Risks
Oddly enough, James decided to skip the holiday. He returned later that evening, greeting Lily with a peck on the cheek as he joined her for dinner.
"Change of plans?"
"Yeah." He paused, swallowing a mouthful of chicken. "Figured it would be better if I came home."
"Why?"
"Didn't seem fair, leaving you here by yourself."
"Oh, please. Like you've ever given a toss…"
"No," he interrupted. "I haven't. But after what happened last night…"
Lily froze, picturing herself lying in Severus's arms. Was that why James had come back? Granted, it would explain his strange behavior, but how could he have possibly known…
"Last night?" she echoed, struggling to keep the tremor out of her voice.
"I don't like fighting with you. Besides…"
The fight. Of course. She forced herself to relax, taking a sip of tea to settle her stomach.
"Go on."
"Besides, you did have a point. I haven't been a very good husband, have I?"
"Oh, I don't know," she said, not bothering to keep the sarcasm out of her voice. "Other than the lying and cheating, the way you manipulated me into believing…"
"I'm sorry, all right?"
"Yeah? Well, you bloody well should be."
"Lily, please." He hesitated, letting out a heavy sigh. "Look, I can't change the past. Can't change who I am either, but that doesn't mean we can't make this work."
"Make this work?" She stared at him, dumbfounded. "How?"
"We could spend more time together. That would be a start, wouldn't it? Maybe if I treated you better, really made an effort this time…"
"What about Sirius?"
"I've already asked him to stay away."
"James…" Lily sighed, burying her head in her hands. She wanted to tell him that it was already too late, demand an annulment and put an end to this farce. But it wasn't that simple, was it?
"Surely you don't want me to stay married."
"Trust me, that's the last thing I want. However, your union with Potter offers certain… protections."
Were it not for Severus, she would've been happy to take the risk. Even now, she was tempted, though she couldn't disregard the fear she'd seen in his eyes, nor the strain she'd heard in his voice when he'd urged her to stay with James. James bloody Potter, of all people…
"Lily?"
Besides, it wasn't like she had a lot of options. If she left, she'd have no money and nowhere else to live. Where would she go? What would she do? It wasn't as if she could just move in with Severus. He was even more trapped than she was, bound by a different sort of vow. He'd try to protect her, no doubt, but that could easily mean blowing his cover, exposing them both to Voldemort's wrath.
She couldn't do that. Not to him. With any luck, the war would soon be over and they'd be free to do as they liked, but until then…
"Fine."
"Really?"
She nodded. "Doesn't mean I forgive you for what you did, but what's done is done. Let's just… try to move forward."
"Fair enough."
A year ago, James's lopsided smile would've made her heart flutter. Now she felt nothing, resisting the urge to cringe as he reached out to squeeze her hand. She pulled it away, their wedding bands reminding her of tiny shackles as she rose to clear the dishes.
"Right," he said. "Guess I'll grab a shower."
He didn't offer to help. Of course not. For all his determination to be a better husband, it obviously hadn't occurred to him that he should do his share of the housework. He left it to her instead, humming to himself as he left the kitchen.
"Prat."
She cast a flurry of cleaning charms, still scowling as she stacked the dishes in the cupboard. Finally, she extinguished the lights, stifling a huge yawn as she trudged upstairs to her bedroom.
"James?!"
"Told you I wanted to make this work, didn't I?" He set his glasses on the nightstand, removing his shoes before he reached up to unbutton his shirt. To her horror, he even took off his trousers, clad in nothing but briefs as he stretched out on the bed. "Figured it would help if we stopped sleeping in separate rooms."
"You really don't have to…"
"Sure I do. I'm your husband, aren't I?"
"I don't mind sleeping alone."
"Yeah, well…" He turned on his side, snuggling deeper into the covers. "If we're ever going to have children…"
Children? She bit back a sharp retort, shaking her head as she retrieved a nightgown from the dresser. What a presumptuous ass he was, assuming she'd even consider such a thing.
"James?"
"Yeah?"
"Why are you doing this?"
He shrugged. "Because I don't want to lose you."
Under normal circumstances, perhaps he would've agreed to let her go. He could've found someone else, taking the time to groom them as he'd done with her. But with a war raging outside, time was a luxury he might not have. He must've realized that, afraid of losing what might very well be his only chance to carry on the Potter name.
That had to be why he'd come back early, why he was determined to make amends. She was still useful to him… assuming he could get her pregnant.
"So you still want to have…"
"A baby?" he finished for her. "Of course. Several if we can manage it."
Several?! Her mouth fell open, her body giving an involuntary shudder. Did he honestly think she would let him use her that way, bearing child after child for a man she didn't love?
"James…"
She trailed off, fully recognizing her dilemma. James's determination to stay married revolved around the possibility of her getting pregnant. If she took that away, he'd have no reason not to divorce her. That would place both her and Severus in an impossible predicament, one that could easily end in disaster.
Of course, there was one thing that might still work in her favor…
"Fine," she said. "Let's get started."
She didn't miss the flicker of panic in James's eyes, resisting the urge to smile as she pulled her jumper over her head. Tossing it aside, she unbuttoned her jeans, shivering as the cool night air danced across her skin.
"Shall I take off the rest?"
"Please."
She didn't voice that question aloud, nor was it James who responded. It was Severus's voice she heard in her mind, soft and strained with desire. She could still picture him lying in her bed, dark eyes watching her hungrily as she reached back to unfasten her bra.
Of course, James's reaction couldn't have been more different. He kept his eyes fixed on the wall, his body tensing as she dropped onto the mattress beside him.
"It's all right," she said, her voice thick with sarcasm. "You can look now."
She'd chosen her most modest nightgown, her body covered from neck to ankle in thick flannel. It was enough to set him at ease, which of course, was exactly what she'd intended. She waited for him to turn his head in her direction, giving him a second to relax before she yanked the nightgown up to her waist.
"Ready?" she said, parting her thighs in mock invitation.
She lay there fully exposed, wondering what she would do if he called her bluff. Time seemed to stand still until finally, he shook his head, stifling a yawn that was even more contrived than her willingness to have sex.
"Wow," he said. "I'm more tired than I thought."
"Want me to get on top?" She shifted onto her side, lifting one leg as if to drape it over his hips. "You can just lie there and let me do all the work."
His eyes widened, his body tensing like he was getting ready to bolt from the room. Instead, he rolled away from her, his body teetering precariously on the edge of the bed.
"Not tonight, okay? I really am bloody exhausted."
Six months ago, she would've been stung by his rejection. Now she took comfort in it, knowing she wouldn't have to worry about getting pregnant anytime soon.
"Fair enough," she said. "Why don't we get some sleep?"
Lily didn't have to worry about rejecting James. Her feigned willingness was enough to hold him off, his eyes darting around like a scared rabbit whenever she joined him in bed. Still, he returned each night, clearly determined to sleep beside her.
She'd tried stripping down to her underwear, hoping that would send him back to his room. When that didn't work, she'd come to bed naked, not bothering to cover herself with a blanket. He'd pretended to be asleep, his muscles tensing as she leaned over to whisper in his ear.
"Wanna shag?"
She relied on assertiveness, the one thing that was guaranteed to make him recoil. Unfortunately, it was a flawed strategy, one that failed her when she happened to fall asleep.
"What are you…"
"Shh! Just… lie still. I've almost got…"
She felt him then, horrified to discover that he was relatively hard as he rubbed against her from behind. Why had she thought it was a good idea to sleep naked? Her lack of clothing gave him easy access, panic rising in her throat as she felt him probing between her thighs.
Her first instinct was to jerk away. Instead, she shifted onto her back, taking his hand and placing it on her breast.
"I could use a bit of a warm up," she told him. "You don't mind, do you?"
"Lily, I…" He gave her breast a halfhearted squeeze, sighing as he pulled his hand away. "I can't. Not like this."
"Oh, I see. You'd rather just shove it in and get it over with."
"No, that's not…"
He didn't need to finish. His actions spoke for themselves, a late night erection combined with Lily in her most passive, nonthreatening state. If she'd just lain there, he might've been able to fuck her. He could've closed his eyes and pretended she was someone else, praying she wouldn't move or speak or do anything that made him remember who she was.
Fuck. There was no other word for what he'd attempted to do. What he wanted was to use her body, disregarding the needs of her heart, her mind, her soul. Did it matter that he had every reason to believe she was a virgin? Of course not. He wouldn't have cared if he hurt her, just as he wasn't bothered by the idea of her suffering to bear children she might not even want.
"Where you going?"
"Bathroom."
She headed for the dresser, pulling on a pair of sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt. Resisting the urge to put on several more layers, she hurried to the bathroom, casting a Muffliato before she burst into tears.
It wasn't James's callousness that upset her. No, it was the fact that she hadn't seen it sooner, that she'd been foolish enough to marry him in the first place.
Now she was stuck in that marriage, bound to a man who wanted to use her, abuse her, a cruel combination of deception and manipulation and unfortunate circumstance. Without him, she'd have no resources or protection, no option but to put the man she loved at risk.
What was she supposed to do? If she left James, she'd be endangering Severus from both sides. It wasn't as if she could count on the Order to shield him. James would make sure that didn't happen, insisting that Severus was working as a spy. If Lily tried to argue? He'd claim she'd been Confunded, perhaps even Imperiused.
But it wasn't just that.
"I enjoyed the challenge."
"The challenge of winning me over? Or the challenge of winning me away from Severus?"
He'd chosen Lily as his target, determined to drive her and Severus apart. That was why he'd worked so hard to convince her that he loved her, why he'd made such an effort to hide his bad behavior. He'd done that with the intention of hurting Severus as much as humanly possible, wounds that went far deeper than all those years of hexes and insults.
Even when he'd accomplished what he'd set out to do? He hadn't been satisfied. It didn't matter that he'd broken Severus's heart, depriving him of the only person he'd truly loved. He'd still felt the need to cause him further pain, striking out against him whenever he could get away with it.
"Seventh year, when you told me you'd leave him alone…"
"He deserved it."
That was a testament to his cruelty, a deep, irrational hatred Lily couldn't begin to understand. That hatred hadn't faded in the short time since they'd left Hogwarts. It still burned within him like a disease, ready to flare up at the slightest provocation. If she turned to the Order, revealing her relationship with Severus, what would James say? What would he do when he realized that Lily, the prize he'd worked so hard to steal, had been reclaimed?
More importantly, what would Severus do? If he attempted to switch sides, pitting both Voldemort and the Order against him, how could he possibly hope to defend himself? James would have the freedom to hunt him down, torture him or even kill him outright without any fear of consequences.
That was the irony of their situation, a cold, hard truth she hadn't fully recognized until now. His supposed loyalty to Voldemort was the only protection he had, the one thing that stood between them and disaster.
For that reason, she had to stay married. She had to keep her relationship with Severus a secret while pretending m she was willing to give James what he wanted. So far, she'd found ways to put him off without outright refusing, but that couldn't last forever. What if she awoke one night to find him already inside her?
Even if he couldn't manage that, there were other ways. He was probably too ignorant to know about artificial insemination or other Muggle options, but the magical world had them, too. If he decided to research the subject, he'd find plenty of ways to make her conceive, at least two of which didn't even require penetration.
If that happened? She'd truly be fucked.
Over the next few weeks, James made several more attempts to have sex with Lily. He tried getting drunk before bed, attempting to stimulate himself for several agonizing minutes. He was still clutching himself when he passed out, his body reeking of cheap Muggle whiskey.
"Revolting," Lily whispered as she climbed out of bed. She went downstairs and curled up on the couch, grateful that for once, she wouldn't have to worry what might happen when she fell asleep.
Unfortunately, that didn't last. The next night, James came to bed sober, falling asleep in a matter of minutes. He was still asleep when she felt him tugging at her knickers, clearly in the throes of some erotic dream.
"Mmm, Sirius…"
"I'm not Sirius!"
Her furious whisper jarred him awake, his eyes widening as he looked down at himself. He was fully erect, harder than she'd ever seen him, his voice trembling with unfulfilled need.
"Wow," he said. "Maybe we can…"
This time was different. She quickly realized that, shocked as he reached out to fumble with her breast. He stroked himself with his other hand, obviously too far gone to care who she was. Before she could register what was happening, he'd eased her back onto her side, making another attempt to slide her underwear down over her hips.
"Wait," she said.
"For what?"
"Um… it's that time of the month. I mean, if you still want to, we can, but…"
She didn't need to finish. He'd already pulled away, still touching himself as he moved to the other side of the bed. He didn't even notice when she left the room, shutting herself in the bathroom with a sigh of relief.
"You know," James said a few days later. "Maybe we should try aphrodisiacs."
"I don't think that's a good idea."
"Why not? Wouldn't it make things easier?"
"Yes, but…" She hesitated, glad her knowledge of potions was far superior to his. "Are you sure you want to take that risk?"
"What risk?"
"You know, the dragon's blood."
"Dragon's blood?"
"Don't you remember that essay we wrote in sixth year?"
"Probably had Peter write it for me," he said with a shrug. "Anyway, what's wrong with dragon's blood?"
"Nothing if it comes from a Hungarian Horntail. Any other breed? There's a 50/50 chance the potion will have the opposite effect."
"So? If it doesn't work, we're no worse off than we were before."
"I guess not," she said, "as long as you don't mind waiting a few months before you can… you know…"
"Months?!"
"Usually, yeah. I did read about a couple cases where it took years, but…"
"Nevermind," he said hastily. "We'll figure something else out."
Lily found countless ways to avoid having sex with James. Avoiding him in general? That was another matter entirely. He rarely left her side these days, even accompanying her on morning walks or the occasional trip to Diagon Alley.
Why? Was he still afraid she'd leave him? Or did he think that the close proximity would somehow make him more attracted to her? The latter seemed ridiculous, though to be fair, he was desperate to get her pregnant. That was all he talked about anymore, increasingly obsessed with his numerous failures.
"What about Polyjuice?"
"What about it?"
"If you looked like Sirius…"
"That's insulting," she said. "Besides, it wouldn't work. I'd have male anatomy, remember?"
"Yeah," he said, his expression wistful. "Well, what about a glamour? Or maybe you could hit me with a Blinding Hex, or…"
"Ouch."
"I'm not trying to be rude. Really, I'm not. But if this is ever going to work…"
"Hey," she interrupted, "why don't you go to the pub tonight?"
"The pub?" He blinked, obviously thrown by the change of subject.
"Yeah," she said. "It's been a while since you've seen your friends. Who knows? Maybe that would help."
"How could that possibly…"
"I think you've been putting too much pressure on yourself. If you could just relax, you know, have a bit of fun…"
"Right, I guess that makes sense."
She flashed him a brilliant smile, exhilarated by the thought of having an evening to herself. Unfortunately, her plan backfired spectacularly. He invited all three Marauders over for dinner, leaving her the unenviable job of cooking for them before they roped her into several games of Exploding Snaps. As soon as they left, he followed her upstairs, his expression filled with contentment as he crawled into bed beside her.
"You were right," he told her as he drifted off to sleep. "That was exactly what I needed."
"I miss you, Severus."
"I miss you, too," the Patronus said as it appeared in the bathroom. "When can I see you?"
"Whenever I can get away from James."
"He's keeping close tabs on you these days. Are you sure he doesn't know?"
"About us? How could he? Anyway, it has nothing to do with that. He's… Lily hesitated, deciding it was best not to tell him that James was trying to get her pregnant. I guess he's trying to fix our marriage. Trying to be more attentive, you know, be a better husband. I guess that's better than him ignoring me, but he takes it too far. I feel like I can't even have an hour or two to myself."
"Why don't you slip him something?"
"Severus! I'm not going to poison him!"
"Of course not… though do let me know if you ever change your mind. For now, I'm merely suggesting a sleeping potion. Something that will knock him out for the evening. Nothing that will harm him, I assure you."
"What do you suggest?"
"I suggest," Severus responded, "that you check the rear garden."
"When?"
"Give me an hour."
"Did you give him the potion?"
"Yes. Worked like a charm."
"Of course it did. I brewed it myself."
Lily stared down at the Patronus, her lips twitching. "How quickly can you get here?"
"I've already arrived."
She threw a cloak over her shoulders before she slipped out the back door, her heart pounding as she hurried toward the rear garden. A tall figure separated itself from the shadows, a sharply inhaled breath reaching her ears as she drew near.
"Severus…"
He swept her into his arms, kissing her fiercely. It was the first time they'd seen each other in nearly two months, August heat replaced by an early October chill. At the moment, she hardly noticed the cold, the heat from his body wrapping around her like a blanket.
"Kiss me again."
Without hesitation, he obeyed, his arousal blatantly obvious as he pressed himself against her. Before she realized what she was doing, she had his trousers unzipped, using her other hand to unfasten her cloak.
"Are you sure we should…"
"Probably not," she whispered. "But if you can be quick about it…"
"Muffliato."
He yanked up her nightgown, tossing her underwear aside as he backed her against the fence. She hadn't realized he could be so aggressive, gasping as he lifted her off the ground. There was nothing to do but submit, her legs wrapped tight around his waist as he plunged himself inside her. His thrusts were hard and swift, almost brutal in their intensity, making her quiver from head to toe as she clung to him in the darkness.
"God, Severus…"
"Too much?" he managed to rasp out.
"No. Don't stop. I…"
She trailed off on a whimper, wave after wave of pleasure shuddering through her. He finished soon thereafter, a low groan emerging from somewhere deep in his chest as he buried his face in her hair.
"I have to go," she said as soon as they'd both had a chance to recover. "I'm sorry I can't…"
"Don't apologize. Here, take this."
He handed her a vial, retrieving her cloak from the ground and wrapping it around her shoulders.
"I'll see you soon," she whispered, rising up on her tiptoes to kiss him goodbye.
"I hope so."
Fortunately, James had no idea that Lily had given him sleeping potion. He remained clueless, giving her the courage to dose him again a few days later.
"Severus?"
"I'm here."
This time, he'd spread his cloak on the ground, the pitch dark of a moonless night shielding them from view. That darkness created an illusion of safety, her senses dominated by the sound of his voice, the smell of his skin, the exquisite feeling of him moving inside her, filling her completely. She forgot about the rest of the world, at least for a while, moaning softly in response to his slow, deep thrusts.
She wanted to stay like that forever, or at least for the next few hours. James wouldn't be waking up anytime soon, and besides…
"Fuck."
There was an edge to Severus's voice, one that had nothing to do with his state of arousal. He let out a low hiss, his muscles tensing as his hips grew still.
"What's wrong?"
"I'm being summoned."
She expected him to withdraw. Instead, he started moving again, filled with a newfound sense of urgency. She heard him curse under his breath, pleasure mingled with pain, his body slick with sweat until finally, finally…
"Fuck!"
His pain seemed to recede, at least for the moment, his relief almost palpable as he slumped against her. She held him close, desperate to make the most of the few precious minutes they had left.
"Bloody hell," he said, lifting his head to glare at his forearm.
"You'd better go."
"I don't want to."
"I know."
"Oh," he said, withdrawing a vial from the pocket of his cloak. "I almost forgot."
She swallowed the contraceptive potion, resisting the urge to cry as she watched him dress. One quick kiss and he was gone, leaving her no choice but to carry on with the life she'd been trying so hard to forget.
Just before Halloween, an owl swooped through the window. Lily unfurled the message with a flick of her wrist, her eyes widening as she read what it contained.
"What's that?" James said as he wandered into the room.
"It says that You-Know-Who's headquarters have been located. The Order is gathering for an ambush."
"Where?"
"Do you remember that house? The old abandoned one where he tried to recruit us?"
"That's where he's been hiding?"
"I guess so."
She handed him the note, not surprised when his eyes lit up with excitement. It had been months since they'd done any work for the Order, both of them desperate to feel useful.
"Bloody fantastic!"
"Well," she said, "I wouldn't say that."
"Why not?"
Obviously, she couldn't tell him the truth. What would he say if he knew she was worried about Severus, terrified that she'd end up fighting against him? Of course, she'd never hurt him intentionally, but if he was wearing a mask…
"I just…" She hesitated, giving her head a little shake. "I hope none of us get hurt."
"Oh, some of us will," James said almost cheerfully. "You can be sure of that. Anyway, you know what this means, don't you?"
"What's that?"
"If Dumbledore knows where they're hiding, we might be able to put an end to this bloody war."
For the first time, Lily began to feel excited, too. Just to imagine what that would mean, the freedom she would have if Voldemort was defeated? She'd be able to annul her marriage, free to move on with her life however she saw fit. She could even get a job, without having to worry that her Muggleborn status would limit her options or place her in danger. She'd be able to rent a little flat, perhaps even move in with Severus.
Severus…
If they both survived, she'd find a way to free him, too. She'd plead with Dumbledore if she had to, or… well, she'd just have to figure it out when the time came. Either way, there was one thing she knew for certain: he sure as hell wasn't going to Azkaban.
"Ready?" James said.
She nodded, reaching for her cloak. "Let's go."
Unlike last time, they didn't Apparate directly to the house. Dumbledore had instructed the Order to meet at a safe distance, their presence concealed by a thicket of trees.
"Welcome," he said. "I presume that all of you are ready to fight?"
"Hell yes!"
"Thank you, Mr. Black. I appreciate your enthusiasm."
Sirius smirked, moving to stand next to James. "Good to see you, mate."
"You, too."
"I watch your back, you watch mine?"
"Of course."
"Actually," Dumbledore said, "I'll need all of you to split up. I've had no indication that Lord Voldemort is aware of our plans, but we can't be too careful. He'll likely have sentries positioned around the house – we'll want to make sure they're incapacitated so they won't be able to warn him of our approach."
"Incapacitate?" James said. "You don't want us to kill them?"
"If it's a matter of your life or theirs, then do what you must. If it's possible to spare them, however, I'd prefer that you do so."
"Filthy Death Eaters," Sirius grumbled. "Why shouldn't we…"
"Because," Lily said, effectively cutting him off. "They're more valuable to us alive."
Dumbledore nodded. "Precisely right, Mrs. Potter. Winning a battle has little to do with how many enemies you kill. In most cases, it's rather more nuanced than that."
"Where's he hiding, anyway?" asked one of the other Order members. "I thought that house was abandoned."
"So did I," Dumbledore said. "But according to my source, the basement has been converted into suitable headquarters. One way in, one way out – clever of him, wouldn't you agree?"
James frowned. "If there's only one entrance, they'll be able to pick us off…"
"One entrance," Dumbledore interrupted, "and one exit. We'll have to lure them out."
"How?"
"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. In the meantime, let's take care of those sentries."
Lily withdrew her wand, clutching it tightly as she headed deeper into the woods. She could hardly see where she was going, her world pitch black other than an occasional shaft of moonlight. Resisting the urge to cast Lumos, she aimed a silencing charm at her feet, careful not to reveal her location.
"Stupefy!"
The shout came from somewhere to her right, though it wasn't directed at her. Glaring red light illuminated the forest, followed by the crash of a body hitting the ground. Order member or Death Eater? She couldn't be sure, though she was relieved that the target hadn't been killed.
Suddenly, there was no shortage of light. Flurries of spells flew from every direction, darkness replaced by a full spectrum of color. Noise filled her ears with the fury of a thunderstorm, screams and shouts and curses, the awful cracking of trees as they were blasted apart. Swallowing her panic, she lifted her wand, aiming it at a hooded figure as it appeared on the path in front of her.
"Expelliarmus!"
The spell worked, though not as she'd intended. The Death Eater flew backward, his head smacking against a jagged outcropping of rock. She moved a little closer, horrified as an impossible amount of blood pooled on the ground around her feet.
He was dead. He had to be. But who was he? She needed to know.
"Not Severus," she whispered, leaning down to remove the mask. "Please."
Too late, she recognized her mistake. She heard a rustle of leaves behind her, gasping as something hot and sharp sliced into her back. Losing her grip on her wand, she hit the ground hard, unable to defend herself as the Death Eater slashed at her a second time. She felt blood soaking through her clothes, struggling to remain conscious as a second Death Eater stepped into her line of vision.
"Sectumsemp…"
"Avada Kedavra!"
Lily opened her eyes, blinking furiously as she took in her surroundings. She was lying in an unfamiliar bed, surrounded by furniture she'd never seen. Where was she? And how the bloody hell had she gotten there?
She sat up, gasping as she stared down at herself. Not only was she naked, but she appeared to be freshly bathed. She could smell soap on her skin, a spicy, strangely familiar fragrance. What…
Suddenly, it all came back, memories flooding through her as she spotted several objects on the bedside table. Jars of ointment. A pile of bloody rags. Her own wand, which she remembered dropping when the Death Eater cut her down. She cringed, remembering the agony she'd felt when he'd sliced her open. Following that, her recollections were hazy, a flash of green light followed by darkness.
"Ah, you're awake."
"Severus?"
She turned her head, her eyes widening as they met his. He was sitting in an armchair on the other side of the bed, his face pale with fatigue.
"I'm not dead." The observation was stupidly obvious, but it was the only thing she could think of to say.
"No, you're most certainly not."
"But he… he cut me. He hit me with the Killing Curse."
Severus shook his head. "He didn't cast that curse. I did."
"You killed him?"
"Yes."
"And then you…"
"I took you away from there, brought you here to Spinner's End. You were deeply unconscious by then, barely breathing… I was afraid it was too late. So much blood…" He trailed off, his expression haunted. "To think I might've been responsible for…"
"You weren't the one who cursed me."
"No," he said. "But I invented the spell. Fortunately, I also invented the counterspell."
"You healed me."
"Yes."
"How bad was it?"
"Bad," he said quietly. "Your back was sliced to bits along with deep slashes on your thighs and stomach. He caught you across the chest, and even your face…"
She lifted the blanket, taking another look at herself. There was no sign that she'd been injured, her skin smooth and unblemished.
"No scars?"
"I made sure there wouldn't be."
"Thank you."
"Bloody hell, don't thank…" He sighed, giving his head a little shake. "How are you feeling now?"
"Thirsty," she said. "A bit hungry, too. Other than that? I feel fine."
He nodded. "I'll get you something to eat."
She waited for him to leave before she ducked into the bathroom, feeling like she hadn't relieved herself in days. Of course, she knew it hadn't been that long – a quick glance at the clock told her it was just after 3 AM. She could afford to stay for a few more hours, couldn't she? She'd just tell James…
James. What had happened to James?
"Severus?" she said, relieved he'd chosen that moment to return. "The battle… was anyone…"
Setting a tray in front of her, he poured her a glass of pumpkin juice. "Potter is fine, if that's what you're asking. There were only minor injuries, with the exception of…"
"I killed someone."
"So did I."
"Do you know who they were?"
"No one you should lose any sleep over, I assure you. The one you killed was quite fond of murdering children."
"And the other?"
"You don't want to know."
"What's worse than murdering children?"
"If I hadn't come along when I did…" He shook his head. "Nevermind. The point is that they're dead and good riddance to them both."
She hesitated, taking a bite of her sandwich. "So they never made it to headquarters then? The Order, I mean."
"Headquarters? The Dark Lord has no permanent headquarters. There are more than a dozen places where he chooses to hold meetings – not even his followers can predict where he'll be at any given time."
"But the house…"
"He hasn't used that location in months."
"But he knew we were coming?"
"Naturally."
"How is that possible? Do you think there's a…"
"A traitor in your midst?" Severus said as he joined her on the bed. "Yes, I do. I wouldn't trust anyone with your secrets. Don't give them information unless it's absolutely necessary to do so. Even if it's someone you think you can trust… "
"People aren't always what they seem."
"Precisely."
She sighed, her mind conjuring up an image of James. She knew how much it could hurt to trust the wrong person, had felt the consequences of having that trust betrayed. Her lapse in judgment had condemned her to a loveless marriage, one she couldn't hope to escape anytime soon. Of course, things would be different after the war, but how much longer would she have to wait?
"What's wrong?" Severus said, his voice quiet.
"I'm just… I'm so tired of living this way."
"I know."
He wrapped her in his arms, holding her close as she rested her head on his shoulder. She didn't know how it had happened, but he'd become her primary source of comfort, a single ray of hope in an otherwise dismal existence. How had she ever fooled herself into believing he was her enemy? He could've betrayed her a thousand times and he hadn't. Instead, he'd risked his life time and again for her sake, whether that was showing up in James's backyard or defending her in a battle where he might've easily blown his cover. He had to have known what was at stake when he'd killed that Death Eater, but obviously, it hadn't mattered. He'd been willing to risk everything to save her, would've died for her if need be.
"Severus?"
"Hmmm?
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
"Thank you for saving my life."
"I saved us both."
With that, he lowered his head, covering her mouth with his. The kiss was gentle, though that was quickly replaced by an intensity that took her breath away. It was as if they were trying to communicate everything they'd ever felt for each other, a thousand things that couldn't be fully expressed through words. Love and fear, frustration and loss and hope, underscored by desperation. Desperate to be together. Desperate for the war to end. Desperate to free themselves from a past that shackled them both, to escape to a world that was purely their own.
Escape they did, at least for a little while. She forgot about everything but the taste of his lips, the touch of his hands, the way his body felt against hers. Closing her eyes, she surrendered completely, whispering his name like a prayer. He seemed to understand what she needed, his lips alighting tiny fires along the curve of her neck before he moved lower, drawing her nipple into his mouth.
"Please…"
In response, he dipped his head, long hair tickling her stomach as he kissed her navel. She held her breath, quivering with anticipation as he moved lower, lower, her thighs falling apart as he buried his face between them. She arched her back, moaning helplessly as he teased her with the tip of his tongue.
"Right there, Severus. Yes…"
She lost herself in a haze of pleasure, unable to utter more than wordless cries as her head fell back against the pillow. He didn't stop until she was satisfied, her body still trembling as she opened her eyes to find him poised above her. He kissed her then, hot and fierce, reaching down to position himself as he whimpered against her mouth.
"Lily…"
"I know."
Lifting her legs to give him better access, she moaned in response to his swift, pounding thrusts. He was beyond any thought of restraint, beyond anything but the need for release. It didn't take him long, his harsh pants giving way to a series of shuddering groans. She cried out at the exact same moment, feeling him pulse within her as her body quivered in response.
"That was…"
"Perfect," she finished for him, reaching up to brush the damp hair away from his forehead.
"To say the least."
He shifted to one side, pulling her into his arms as their heartbeats gradually slowed. She wished they could stay that way forever, but there was no ignoring the clock on the wall, nor the faint gray light that now spilled across the bed.
"It's 6:30," she said, letting out a heavy sigh. "I'd better go."
"What will you tell him?"
She shrugged. "I'm only a few hours late. I'll just say that one of the Death Eaters led me on a bit of a chase."
"A few hours? Lily, you… you've been here for two days."
"What?! Why didn't you tell me?"
"I thought you knew."
"How the bloody hell was I supposed to know? I was unconscious!"
"You're right. I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking…"
"Where are my clothes?"
"Destroyed in the battle."
"Great," she said. "Not only do I have to explain where I've been, but I also have to come up with an excuse as to why my clothes are gone? What am I supposed to…"
Severus rose from the bed, retrieving his discarded shirt from the floor. He transfigured a cloak that somewhat resembled the one she'd lost, muttering an apology as he wrapped it around her shoulders. He obviously felt terrible, though unfortunately, she didn't have time to reassure him. Her lengthy absence placed both of them in danger – she had to get home and try to mitigate the damage.
"Closest Apparition point?"
"This way."
He led her outside, pointing at a scrubby patch of grass near the back fence. She reached it before he did, her heart pounding as she glanced back over her shoulder.
"I… I guess I'll see you later."
"Wait! Take this."
She shoved the vial in her pocket, closing her eyes against a dizzying swirl of shapes and colors. The next thing she knew, she was standing in the Potters' rear garden, swallowing her panic as she slipped through the back door.
"Ah, I've been wondering when you were planning to come back. Or if, I should say."
James was waiting for her in the kitchen, clutching a half empty bottle of Firewhiskey. He lifted it to his lips, taking a long swig before he slammed it on the counter.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I know you must've been worried. I can explain."
"Can you? Then by all means, go ahead."
"I was…"
"Off shagging a Death Eater? Yeah, I already know that part."
"What did you say?"
"And not just any Death Eater," he said, pausing to take another drink. "Snape."
