"Severus," Voldemort said, gesturing at the empty chair to his right. "Sit next to me."
"My lord."
Bowing his head, he obeyed the order, sensing several envious glances as he did so. Like him, the other Death Eaters weren't masked. Anonymity was reserved for lower ranking followers, those who had yet to earn the Dark Lord's trust.
"As all of you know, Severus has provided me with crucial information. For that, he has earned my gratitude, though it will all be for nothing if we don't vanquish this threat."
"A child, my lord? You are the most powerful wizard the magical world has ever known. Surely you have no need to fear…"
"I fear nothing, Lucius," Voldemort replied. "Nonetheless, children have a way of growing up."
"Better to nip it in the bud."
"Yes, Yaxley, that's precisely what I was thinking… which is why I considered eliminating any expectant mothers who fit our criteria."
The woman to his left leaned forward, her eyes bright with excitement. "That would've been…"
"A waste of time, Bellatrix. Do you know why?"
She shook her head, gazing at him adoringly.
"Because the mother in question didn't fit our criteria," he said, tracing his wand with the tip of his finger. "She wasn't supposed to deliver until early September."
Severus stared at him in silence, a cold knot forming in the pit of his stomach.
"The child's name is Harry James Potter, born at 11:51 PM on July 31. According to my sources…"
"My lord?"
"Yes, Severus?"
"Another infant was born the day before, one who seems much more likely…"
Voldemort shook his head. "I'm aware of the Longbottom child. His arrival was quite ordinary, one we've been expecting for months. The Potters, however… a month premature, born in secret in the dead of night? I find that intriguing."
"Secret?" Severus said, struggling to keep the tremble out of his voice.
"The mother gave birth at home without so much as a midwife present. Rather unusual, don't you think?"
"Perhaps there wasn't time to make it to the hospital. Uncommon, yes, but not necessarily cause for suspicion."
"Time," Voldemort repeated. "Yes, that child was certainly in a hurry to be born. One might almost think he acted with purpose, entering the world with less than 10 minutes to spare. Right as the seventh month died… that cannot be a coincidence."
"My lord," Lucius said, "I'd be happy to dispose of this threat on your behalf."
"No, I shall deal with the Potters myself. What I need from the rest of you is information."
"Information?"
"Indeed, Yaxley. While I might know the details of Harry Potter's birth, I do not know his current location. Find it for me, along with anything else you might deem useful."
"My lord?"
"What is it, Severus?"
"Might I speak with you in private?"
Voldemort nodded. "The rest of you are dismissed."
Severus watched the others leave, struggling to bring his emotions under control. He took a deep breath, feeling a bit calmer as the room grew quiet. There was a way out of this. There had to be. He just needed to…
"Now, Severus. What did you want to tell me?"
"My lord, I would urge you not to dismiss the Longbottom child so easily. His parents have been openly defiant, to a far greater degree than the Potters. Need I remind you that Alice Longbottom has killed no less than five…"
"Do you question my judgment?" Voldemort's tone was still pleasant, though there was an edge to it that hadn't been there before. Severus knew he was treading on dangerous ground, mind working frantically as he searched for a different approach.
"Certainly not, my lord. I only meant…"
"It's the mother, isn't it? You have some sort of… attachment to her?"
He opened his mouth and then closed it again, fearing that a denial would only make matters worse.
"Lily… I thought the name sounded familiar. Didn't you recommend her as a potential ally when you first joined us?"
"I did, my lord. Unfortunately, she chose a different path."
"And yet you still seem concerned for her well-being. Why is that?"
He hesitated, searching for an answer that the Dark Lord would be likely to accept.
"Her husband is my enemy," he said, allowing a touch of bitterness to creep into his voice. "During our school days, he went out of his way to make my life miserable. Of course, he lost any power over me when I joined forces with you, but he took something from me, something that…"
"Something that you desire?"
"Yes."
"Well," Voldemort said. "We should never let our enemies get the better of us. In this case, I don't see why we have to. Or why you have to, to be more precise."
"My lord?"
"It's the child I'm after, not the mother. If she agrees to stand aside, I will spare her life."
Severus bowed his head. "Thank you."
It wouldn't be enough. Severus knew that, half panting, half sobbing as he returned to Spinner's End. Lily would never agree to let anyone kill her child, even if that meant dying herself. There was nothing he could do to protect her, no way to stop the Dark Lord from…
"What have I done?"
Of course, there was no one there to answer him. The only thing he heard was his own panicked breathing, followed by a faint echo in the back of his mind.
"You've killed her."
The echo grew louder, taunting him with that single, horrible truth. He hadn't endangered her on purpose, obviously, but what did that matter? Because of his actions, his foolishness and lack of forethought…
"No."
No, there was still a chance, remote though it might be. If Severus could just get him to listen…
Fumbling for his wand, he managed to cast a Patronus, barely breathing as he waited for a response.
"Please…"
He waited for an hour, two hours, feeling more discouraged with each minute that passed. He'd nearly given up when the phoenix burst into the room, opening its beak to deliver a terse message.
"Isle of Skye. Quiraing."
The island was far to the north, well beyond Hogwarts on the western coast of Scotland. Checking a map to make sure he had the location right, Severus Apparated there without delay. He waited for what seemed like hours, shivering in the darkness, clinging to his wand though he knew there'd be no point in attempting to defend himself if it came to that.
The next thing he knew, he was on his knees, half blinded by a glaring white light. He'd never felt so vulnerable, quite certain he was about to meet his death.
"Don't kill me!"
"That was not my intention."
This was his chance. He knew it, wild hope mingled with panic as he lowered his head. Submissive. Yes, submissive and respectful. He'd grovel if he had to… whatever it took to make Dumbledore believe him.
"Well, Severus? What message does Lord Voldemort have for me?"
"No… no message. I'm here on my own account! I… I come with a warning. No, a request… please…"
"What request could a Death Eater make of me?"
Somehow, he got to the point, explaining that Voldemort was planning to hunt Lily down. He admitted that he'd been the one to deliver the prophecy, far beyond any thought of consequences for himself. All that mattered…
"If she means so much to you, surely Lord Voldemort would spare her? Could you not ask for mercy for the mother in exchange for the son?"
"I have… I have asked him…"
"You disgust me," Dumbledore said. "You do not care, then, about the deaths of her husband and child? They can die as long as you have what you want?"
He'd never heard so much contempt in anyone's voice, stung by the harsh assessment of his character. True, he'd done terrible things, but to suggest that he'd attempted to bargain away her child's life? Didn't Dumbledore get it? Nothing he could have said would've stopped Voldemort from targeting the boy. He'd tried that, tried everything except…
"Hide them all, then. Keep her… them… safe."
"And what will you give me in return, Severus?"
"Anything."
Lily liked living in Godric's Hollow. It gave her a fresh start, a chance to escape countless bad memories she associated with her previous home. She didn't even mind the isolation, content to spend all her waking hours with her baby son.
Really, she would've been happy anywhere as long as he was with her. There was nothing she loved more than sitting with him in the rocking chair, singing softly or telling him stories while he nursed. She'd never imagined anything could be so peaceful, a stark contrast to the war raging just outside their door.
"Ready for bed, love?"
Harry responded with a yawn, releasing his hold on her nipple. Gently, she lowered him into his crib, covering him with a blanket before she shut and warded the door.
His nursery had become her sanctuary, from the comfortable sofa where she often slept to the desk she'd placed by the window. It was the latter that drew her attention now, quill already in hand as she settled herself in her chair.
Dear Severus…
She wrote him often, a habit that had started the day after she'd given birth. At the time, she'd been overwhelmed by emotion, desperate to share what she was feeling. Her joy. Her sadness. The deep, painful longing that underscored everything else, a feeling of emptiness she hadn't known how to cope with.
It didn't matter that the letters couldn't be sent. They'd still given her comfort, allowing her to express… well, everything, really. She explained why she'd ended their relationship, why she'd chosen to take that bloody Vow. She told him about her pregnancy, too, describing her initial panic followed by the realization that she'd have to pass the baby off as James's.
She didn't mention those awkward trysts with James and Sirius, obviously, though other than that, she held nothing back. There was no need to as long as the letters remained private.
On that last point, she was extremely careful. She'd created an extra panel on the side of her desk, invisible to the naked eye. Inside was a wrought iron box she'd conjured, its contents protected by the most powerful charm she could muster.
It began as a series of letters. Soon enough, she started preserving memories as well. Milestones in her pregnancy. Harry's birth. Significant (and not so significant) moments from the first few months of his life. It wasn't the same as having Severus there, but it made her feel like he was with them in spirit. That was the best she could do… at least for the time being.
Severus, she wrote. It's been more than a year since I took the Vow. In less than two years, I'll be free from it, though I don't know what our lives will look like when that happens. Will the war be over? Will Harry and I be able to come out of hiding? And what about you? Where will you be when the time comes? It's so hard, not knowing what to expect. All I can do is hope. That's what keeps me going these days, along with our son, who I love more than life itself.
I hope you'll love him as much as I do. If anything should happen, he's going to need you. He'll need your protection, but more importantly, he'll need your love. You're the only father he has, Severus, no matter what James or anyone else believes. Promise me…
She hesitated, troubled by the direction of her thoughts. Maybe it was only to be expected under the circumstances, but still…
Finishing the letter on a lighter note, she enclosed a picture James had taken that morning. She and Harry were lying on the couch, half asleep as the first rays of sunlight peeped through the curtains. It was a beautiful photo, their expressions peaceful as she stroked his hair with the tips of her fingers. She tried to include as many of these moments as possible, proof that she truly was happy. Did it matter that Harry's existence had forced her into hiding, that she'd had to tell countless lies to protect his identity? Of course not. She wouldn't have traded him for the world.
I love you, Severus, she wrote before signing her name with a flourish. Now and always.
"Unbelievable," James said, frowning as he scanned the slip of parchment.
"What?"
"According to Sirius, Snape's gotten a job. He'll be… teaching Potions at Hogwarts."
"Hogwarts?!" Lily stared at him, stunned.
"That's what it says. I can't believe Dumbledore would…"
"I can."
"A bloody Death Eater? It's absurd!"
"No, it isn't," she said, struggling to keep the excitement out of her voice, "not if he's switched sides."
James shook his head. "Or pretended to switch sides."
"Do you really think Dumbledore would fall for that? Come on."
"Why are you defending him? After everything he did to you…"
"He didn't…" She paused, taking a deep breath. "It's Dumbledore I'm defending. There's no way he would've given Severus a job unless he knew he could trust him."
"Yeah, well, I still think he's a lying little shit."
"If you say so."
With that, she retrieved the baby from his high chair, taking him upstairs for a bath. She closed and warded the door behind them, her face breaking into a huge grin.
"He did it," she whispered. "He really did it!"
Harry snuffled, his attention fixed on the brightly colored shampoo bottle. Naturally, she didn't expect him to understand, but someday…
Someday he'd realize what all of this meant. He'd know his father was a good man, one who'd ultimately chosen the right path despite his earlier mistakes.
Professor Snape, she wrote later that night. I must say that the title suits you. I know you'll be good at your job, and I'm so happy that Dumbledore decided to give you a chance. I don't know what you said to him, but Severus, I am so proud of you. When I think about what this might mean for our future…
It wouldn't be easy. She knew that. They still had Voldemort to contend with, not to mention James, who was sure to be livid when he discovered the truth. But for the chance to be with the man she loved, to rid herself of all her secrets and live an honest life with him and their son…
Will you wait for me? she wrote. I hope so. I know it must seem like I chose James over you, but Severus, that isn't the truth. Someday you'll realize that, even if I can't tell you quite yet. Just a little longer now… I promise it will be worth it.
Love always,
Lily
Tucking the letter away, she curled up on the couch, smiling as she drifted off to sleep.
Days turned into weeks, weeks into months as the Potters remained in hiding. Harry's first Christmas came and went, followed by Lily's birthday, winter gradually giving way to spring as Harry learned to crawl. By summer, he'd taken his first step, teetering precariously as Lily and James cheered him on.
Lily couldn't fault James, at least where Harry was concerned. He obviously loved being a father, playing with the baby for hours and changing his diapers without complaint. Even his letters to Sirius had been reduced to a single topic, filled with boastful remarks about Harry's intelligence, how quickly he'd learned to crawl, his healthy appetite and everything in between. It was endearing, really.
It also made her feel incredibly guilty.
Did she regret doing what was necessary to protect her child? Of course not. James had given her no choice, no reason to believe she could trust him with the truth. But now…
Things were different now. He was in hiding under false pretenses, his life at risk for the sake of a child that wasn't even his. Perhaps she could ignore that if she was a crueler person, as cruel as he'd been to her and Severus in the past. Part of her even wished she could be that person, but in the end, it didn't matter. She didn't have it in her to be that heartless, unable to stop thinking about how awful she'd feel if she got him killed.
Those thoughts haunted her as Harry's first birthday came and went, summer heat giving way to the sharp chill of autumn. Finally, she summoned her courage, driven by some nameless fear that grew deeper by the day.
"James? Can we talk?"
"Sure."
She hesitated, taking a deep breath as she sat down beside him.
"Listen," she said, "you're not going to like this. Pretty sure you'll hate it, actually, but I'll never be able to forgive myself if I don't tell you."
"Hey, it can't be that bad. Whatever it is…"
"Harry isn't yours."
She hadn't meant to just blurt it out like that. She'd planned to break it to him gently, dropping little hints that would lead him to his own conclusions. Still, she felt relieved as the words left her mouth. She hadn't realized how much the secret had been weighing her down, glad she no longer had to carry that burden.
"What?"
"I said," she repeated, "that Harry isn't yours."
"That's impossible."
"No, it isn't."
"You took the Vow! Took it weeks before I got you pregnant! So how else could you have possibly…"
"James," she said quietly. "I was nearly a month along the first time I went to bed with you and Sirius."
He shook his head, his voice barely above a whisper. "The baby… he didn't… he didn't come early."
"A week overdue, actually."
"That's why you wouldn't go to St. Mungo's."
"I was carrying a 9 pound baby. They would've known he wasn't premature."
"But… he looks like me. His face and his hair… he looks just like…"
"Severus has black hair, too. As for his face…" She sighed. "I used glamours. Powerful ones. If I hadn't, you would've known…"
"Why?"
There was an unfathomable amount of pain in that word, so much that she almost regretted what she'd done. But then she reminded herself that deceiving him had never been what she'd wanted. He was the one who'd hurt them both, his selfishness and cruelty driving her to act out of desperation.
"Because," she said, "you didn't give me a choice. You've never given me a choice… not where Severus is concerned."
"He's evil, Lily. I was only trying to do…"
"It wasn't your choice! Why can't you see that? What you think of him… it doesn't bloody matter! I had a right to come to my own conclusions, to decide for myself whether I wanted him in my life. You… you took that from me. And then you want to sit here and talk to me about evil? You're the one who's evil."
"Evil?" James stared at her, stunned. "How can you call me that? I might've made a few mistakes, but…"
"Evil is being motivated by hatred," she said. "Hatred is what drove you to come between us back at Hogwarts, why you tortured him the way you did. Choosing me instead of some other girl… you only did that because you wanted to make him suffer."
James opened his mouth and then closed it again, giving his head a little shake.
"Then you married me. Married me under false pretenses. I was miserable, but did you care? Of course not. You only cared about what you wanted. My feelings…"
"I wasn't trying to hurt you."
"Oh, bollocks. You knew what you were doing. You've known since the moment we met and you've never given a damn. You don't…" She swallowed hard, resisting the urge to cry. "You can't even imagine what it's been like for me to be married to you. Those first few months… I can't even tell you how lonely, how heartbroken, how rejected I felt. You did that."
"I know I did, but…"
"I'm not finished," she said. "What you did… I started to believe that I'd never know what it was like to be loved. I felt like my life was over… until I found my way back to Severus. He… he changed everything. I found comfort in him, started to heal… I finally felt loved, and what did you do? You tried to shame me for it. You said awful things about the man I loved, and then you forced me to take…"
"The Vow was your idea."
"What choice did I have?! If I hadn't done that, you would've gone after him, would've…"
"He slept with my wife."
"And Sirius slept with my husband!" she shouted. "Have I ever threatened to hurt him? Have I ever tried to force the two of you apart?"
"That's different."
"So you can have someone to love but I can't?"
"I never said that. If it had been someone else…"
"Don't you get it? I'd already made my choice! I made it years ago, long before you and I got together. Severus and I might've had our ups and downs, but I loved him, James. Thinking you could change the way I felt, that you could win me from him like I was some sort of prize… it doesn't work that way. You couldn't stop me from loving him… any more than I could stop you from loving Sirius."
Finally, finally, she seemed to have gotten through to him. He opened his mouth and then closed it again, his expression bewildered.
"So," she said, determined to drive the point home. "If I told you Sirius was evil, if I insisted that he was the worst person in the world… would you see him any differently?"
"No."
"Is there anything I could say or do that would change your feelings toward him?"
"No," James said quietly. "There isn't."
She didn't respond. There was no need to, really. At long last, he understood on some level, stonefaced and silent as he stared down at his hands. He didn't apologize, though of course, she didn't expect that. To apologize would mean he truly regretted his actions… she wasn't sure he was quite there yet, nor if he ever would be.
"Harry…"
"Ah, yes," she said. "Let's talk about Harry. Let's talk about the choice I was forced to make. You see, by the time I figured out I was pregnant, I'd already taken the Vow. Obviously, I couldn't turn to Severus for help, couldn't even let him know he was going to be a father. And then, of course, there was you. What would you have said if you'd known the truth? What would you have done?"
"I… I really don't know."
"I didn't know either, but I had no reason to trust you."
"I know." James said, letting out a heavy sigh. "I guess I can't blame you for…"
"Damn right you can't blame me! It's your fault that…"
She trailed off, glancing at the ceiling as Harry let out a wail. She started to get up, but James beat her to it, panic clawing at her throat as she watched him head toward the stairs.
"Shit."
She raced after him, skidding to a stop outside the nursery. Her eyes widened as she watched him lift Harry out of the crib, cradling him in the crook of his arm.
"Bloody hell," he said as he noticed her expression. "You didn't think I was going to hurt him, did you? I'm not a monster."
With that, he laid the baby on the changing table, replacing his soiled diaper with a fresh one. He carried him downstairs, setting him in his high chair before he retrieved a box of cereal from the cabinet.
"What are you doing?"
He shrugged. "Feeding Harry."
She sank into the closest chair, utterly baffled as she watched him lift a spoon to Harry's mouth. Of all the reactions she'd been expecting… well, she hadn't known what to expect, honestly, but it wasn't this. To act as if nothing had changed?
Suddenly, she realized that it hadn't. Not really. What she'd said before…
"Is there anything I could say or do that would change your feelings toward him?"
She'd been talking about Sirius, of course, but it was true in this case, too. James had become a father, had learned to care for Harry like he was his own son. Even his resentment toward Severus couldn't change that – the love he felt was strong enough to overpower his hatred.
"James?" she said quietly. "Do you know why I told you?"
He shook his head, handing Harry a tiny cup of pumpkin juice.
"Because you don't have to do this."
"What do you mean?"
"You're not his father. You don't have to put yourself in danger for his sake."
"Are you asking me to leave?"
"No," she said. "I'm just pointing out that you do have the option."
"Doesn't matter. I'm the only father he has, at least for now. I'm not going to just…" He hesitated, giving her an odd look. "What was it the prophecy said?"
"Which part?"
"Something about parents. Parents who thrice defied him. Do you think that applies to me? Or to Snape?"
"Could be either of you. Severus saved me during that last battle, killed another Death Eater to protect me. Both of those things would qualify as defying You-Know-Who, I'm sure. Other than that? I know he's switched sides. Maybe you don't believe it, but…"
"What I believe doesn't matter, does it?"
She smiled. "Not really."
"Yeah, well, I just hope you're right."
"James?"
"Yeah?"
"What are we going to do? You, me, our marriage, all of it."
"For now? I guess there's not much we can do. We're still in hiding, and it doesn't look like the war will be over anytime soon."
"What about Severus?"
James frowned. "What about him?"
"He's Harry's father. Nothing's going to change that."
"Maybe not, but the Vow is still in effect for…"
"363 days," she finished for him.
"That all?"
She nodded. "I took the Vow on October 29 two years ago. Today's Halloween, remember?"
"Right. Well, if Snape manages to survive another year…" Judging by his expression, James wasn't thrilled by that prospect. "I guess we'll figure it out when the time comes."
"Fair enough."
Lily left the kitchen, sighing in relief as she headed upstairs. Their issues weren't fully resolved, perhaps, but she felt like they'd made progress. Would it last? She couldn't say. There was no telling how James would react when she reunited with Severus, no way of knowing if it would be possible for both men to be part of Harry's life. But for now…
For now, she couldn't help feeling optimistic, smiling as she settled herself at her desk.
Dear Severus…
She wrote for hours, telling him all about the conversation she'd had with James. By the time she'd finished, it was well after nightfall, the house utterly silent as she crept downstairs.
"James?"
He had Harry in the crook of his arm, both of them dozing on the couch.
"Sorry," he muttered as she leaned over to retrieve the baby. "Must've fallen asleep."
"That's all right," she said. "I'm just going to…"
The rest of her words were lost, replaced by a crash of splintering wood as the front door was blasted apart. She spun on her heel, gasping as she spotted a black clad figure stepping through the shattered doorway.
"Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off…"
That was the moment Lily truly forgave James. She forgave him for everything, though it was too late to make any difference. All she could do was barricade herself in the nursery, clinging to Harry as she heard heavy footfalls on the stairs.
Author's note: Judging by all the "don't kill Lily" reviews, I'm guessing some of you won't be happy with this outcome. I apologize, though I did include a warning in the summary/introductory notes. "Canon compliant until the HBP, expect a major character death, etc." :)
So where do we go from here? Part One was about Severus and Lily – Part Two will focus on Severus and Harry's relationship (i.e. Severitus). I'll be exploring what happens when Severus uncovers Lily's secret, how that affects the dynamic between him and Harry, and how both of those things will ultimately change the course of the war. The romance might be over, but this will always be a love story… there's tragedy, yes, but more than that, it's about love conquering hatred and finding healing through forgiveness. Most of all? It's about lies. How deeply lies can hurt us, yes, but also how they lose their power in the face of truth.
Veritas Omnia Vincit – truth conquers all.
I hope you'll stick with me throughout the rest of this journey. I promise to make it a good one.
