When I got home from the reunion I went straight to my bedroom. I couldn't believe Maxon had said that to me. My head was still reeling. He made a mistake. He wants me. I laid in my bed as his words spun around my head over and over again. I couldn't believe he had said that to me. I clutched a pillow to my chest as a tear started to fall from my eye, Maxon is still in love with me. My chest tightened and I clutched the pillow tighter, as if it were the only thing keeping me hanging on.
After what felt like a lifetime, but was probably only an hour or so, of laying on my bed feeling numb, I decided that maybe it might be a good idea to get out my songbook and try to put these emotions to good use. As I was flicking through the pages I came across a song I wrote pretty soon after I was kicked out of The Selection. My fingers ran down the page as I read through the lyrics I had written so long ago. They were filled with anger and hurt.
Ooh-ooh
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Brown guilty eyes and little white lies
Yeah, I played dumb but I always knew
That you'd talk to her, maybe did even worse
I kept quiet so I could keep you
And ain't it funny
How you ran to her
The second that we called it quits?
And ain't it funny
How you said you were friends?
Now it sure as hell don't look like it
You betrayed me
And I know that you'll never feel sorry
For the way I hurt, yeah
You'd talk to her
When we were together
Loved you at your worst
But that didn't matter
It took you two weeks
To go off and date her
Guess you didn't cheat
But you're still a traitor
Now you bring her around
Just to shut me down
Show her off like she's a new trophy
And I know if you were true
There's no damn way that you
Could fall in love with somebody that quickly
Ain't it funny
All the twisted games
All the questions you used to avoid?
Ain't it funny?
Remember I brought her up
And you told me I was paranoid
You betrayed me
And I know that you'll never feel sorry
For the way I hurt, yeah
You'd talk to her
When we were together
Loved you at your worst
But that didn't matter
It took you two weeks
To go off and date her
Guess you didn't cheat
But you're still a traitor
God, I wish that you had thought this through
Before I went and fell in love with you
(Ah-ah-ah)
When she's sleeping in the bed we made
Don't you dare forget about the way
You betrayed me
'Cause I know that you'll never feel sorry
For the way I hurt, yeah
You'd talk to her
When we were together
You gave me your word
But that didn't matter
It took you two weeks
To go off and date her
Guess you didn't cheat
But you're still
You're still a traitor (ah-ah-ah)
Yeah, you're still a traitor
Ooh-ooh-ooh
God, I wish that you had thought this through
Before I went and fell in love with you
I screamed and started ripping the pages out of my songbook. How could he have put both of us through so much only for him to completely change his mind and expect me to come running back to him? My heart hurt. So did my head. I couldn't take this anymore. I hurt so much and I couldn't stand it. No one else could ever make me feel this way, only him. He didn't even care that he put me through hell, he just cared about his own feelings.
The feelings of anger I had worked so hard to overcome had come flooding back. The dam was broken and I couldn't keep it in any longer. My hands were trembling, angry tears started making their way to my eyes.
I slid down off the bed onto the floor as my crying increased. I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. After a few moments my mother came into my room, presumably she had heard me screaming. She sat down on the floor next to me and took my hand in hers. She started guiding my breathing so that I could calm down. After a few minutes I had finally calmed down enough to stop crying. My breathing returned to normal and I wiped the leftover tears from my face. We sat like that for a while, before I told her about the conversation I had had with Maxon. She was shocked, but she was more worried about me. When she noticed the pages of lyrics in my hand she suggested I record the song to try to get my emotions out of me - hoping that saying them outloud would help me to get past them. It usually did help when I sang about my feelings, so I decided to go record the song and see how it would turn out.
A bit of a shorter one, but I've been itching to write something for this story for weeks. I also wrote this in about half an hour so sorry if it sucks lol, I promise other chapters will be better.
Song is traitor by Olivia Rodrigo.
Hope you all enjoyed it, more to come soon (I hope)!
Love you all,
girlinabar xxx
