The night was a mixture of torture and praise. Every person I spoke to said my songs were incredible and I was very talented, but the only thing on my mind was Maxon. Why did he come? Why did he come alone? Did he know I was going to be here? Every time I looked up from what I was doing I was met with his gaze. I couldn't escape him the entire night and it was overwhelming. I thought about leaving early, but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he was affecting me. I also didn't want a repeat of what happened at the reunion - leaving and then being cornered by him with no one around to help get me out of the situation. So, I stayed for the entire night, plagued by the weight of his eyes on me, and my head heavy with thoughts of him. I made sure to leave the ball after he left, to ensure there wouldn't be any chance encounters.
At breakfast the next morning I tried to pretend that everything was fine and normal and that Maxon wasn't sitting just a few places away from me. I did everything in my power to make sure I was fully engaged in conversation so he couldn't jump in. It was a good thing people were chatty in the morning.
After breakfast I decided to take a walk in the gardens to clear my head. I had always managed to find solace in the gardens, even during the selection. I had wandered around the gardens for a while before I decided to lay on the grass and watch the clouds in the sky. After a while I felt someone lie down next to me, I knew who it was before they even said anything. "You always loved the gardens," Maxon said softly. I nodded and hummed in response, not sure how to reply to him. After a few moments of silence, consisting of Maxon glancing over at America every so often and America resisting the urge to look back, Maxon took a deep breath and broke the peaceful silence. "America, I want to apologise for hurting you so much. Your song last night…" he paused as he searched for the right words, "it held so much pain. I mean I knew I hurt you, I just didn't realise how much. I was cruel to you that day, I've realised that now, and I'm so so sorry for it. I regret what happened that day more than you could know, but I regret most the way I treated you and spoke to you. I should have given you a chance to explain, but instead I was so harsh to you telling you to just be quiet and smile. I could never imagine myself treating anyone that way, especially you. I don't think I could apologise enough for that day, but please let me start here and say I'm sorry, for everything."
I let go of the breath I didn't realise I was holding. I wanted to hear those words from him for so long. I didn't know how to reply. I felt a tear slip from the corner of my eye, luckily the one Maxon couldn't see, and took another deep breath. I did a slow nod, with a small smile coming to my mouth, "Thank you for saying that," I said quietly. Maxon's hand moved ever so slightly, but just enough to make their hands touch gently between them on the grass. We lay like that for a while, too scared to say anything that would break the bubble of safety and familiarity we had entered. It felt like it had during the selection, when we could just be in each other's company and not have to say anything.
The thought of the selection brought America's mind back to the current reality of their situation. Maxon was married, and I had no right to lie like this with him. We were not together, and we never would be. With that thought I sat up, moving my hand away from his. "I should go, Nicoletta is probably wondering where I am," I said as I stood up and brushed off the back of my jeans to make sure there wasn't any grass stuck to them. "Will I get to see you again before I leave?" Maxon asked quickly before I had a chance to walk off. "I don't think that would be such a good idea," I replied. "Please," he practically begged. He sat up and grabbed my hand, sparks of electricity flowed through me at his touch. It was all I could do not to gasp. I could feel my resolve slipping. I so badly wanted to talk to him and for it to feel like it had all those months ago before everything got messed up, but I knew it could never feel like that again. "I-I'll think about it," I stuttered. I could still feel the tingle of his hand on mine as I walked away.
At dinner that night I could feel Maxon watching me. The few times I dared to look in his direction his eyes were on me. One time he tugged on his ear, our old signal that we wanted to talk to each other after dinner. My heart leapt as he did it. I quickly looked away and pretended to be engrossed in the conversation Nicoletta was having with her cousin. For the rest of the meal my mind was on Maxon and his ear tug. I knew he wanted to talk to me, but this was too fast. I was still wrapping my head around what he had told me this morning.
I paced around my room after dinner, debating on whether I should go see Maxon. Nicoletta had conveniently mentioned where his room was, no doubt hoping that I would want to speak to him at some point, so I knew where to go if I wanted to.
I decided that speaking to him at that moment wasn't the best idea. I was still reeling at his apology, and decided that a letter would do better justice of expressing my feelings than talking to him ever could. I sat down at the dressing table, took out some paper and a pen, and got to writing.
Dear Maxon,
I know that you wanted me to meet you tonight, but nothing I could say in person would fit exactly how I feel. I know that you regret ending the selection the way you did, and choosing Kriss over me, but that doesn't change the reality of our situation. I know that it's been difficult for me to make a life so different from how I imagined it would be, but I've finally found some sort of happiness, and I hope you have as well. I know that you can have a good life with Kriss, and there's nothing I want more than for you to be happy, even if you're not happy with me.
I think I will always love you, but I can't keep doing this. I can't keep seeing you and having my heart break all over again. So please, please, live a full and happy life with Kriss, have lots of children, and one day become the king you were born to be. Have the best possible life. But have it without me.
You will always be in my heart.
Love, America
Attached to the letter was a couple of pages of lyrics of a song that expressed my emotions. I quietly walked to Maxon's door and slipped the letter under his door, quickly running back to my room so that I wouldn't run the risk of seeing Maxon when he opened the door looking for me. I decided I would go back home early the next day to avoid him, and would do my best to never see him again.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, oh, oh, oh
No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more
Keep my head in the fire
Sooner or later I get what I'm asking for
No matter what you say about life
I learn every time I bleed the truth is a
Stranger soul is in danger
I gotta let my spirit be free
To admit that I'm wrong and then change my mind
Sorry but I have to move on and leave you behind
I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize nothing's broken
No need to worry bout everything I done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back got a new direction
I loved you once
Needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo
Just like a tattoo I'll always have you
I'll always have you
I'll always have you
I'm sick of playing all of these games
Its not bout taking sides
When I looked in the mirror
It didn't deliver, it hurt enough to think that I could stop
Admit that I'm wrong and then change my mind
Sorry but I got to be strong and leave you behind
I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize nothing's broken
No need to worry bout everything I done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back got a new direction
I love you once
Needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo
Just like a tattoo
I'll always have you
I'll always have you
I'll always have you
If I live every moment
Won't change any moment
There's still a part of me in u
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything I do, oh
I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize nothing's broken no need to worry bout everything I done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back got a new direction
I loved you once
Needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're in my heart just like a tattoo
I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize nothing's broken no need to worry bout everything I done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back got a new direction
I loved you once
Needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're in my heart just like a tattoo
Just like a tattoo
I'll Always have you
Don't worry this isn't the end! I have more ideas planned for this story, and defo need an outlet for when creativity strikes lol. So don't worry this story isn't going anywhere.
The song is Tattoo by Jordin Sparks.
Hope you all enjoyed!
Hopefully see you soon :)
girlinabar xxxx
