trigger warning
He was drowning. His lungs filled with smoke as he took a drag from his cigarette; he wished they were filled with water. He closed his eyes, imagining the dark embrace of water closing over his head. His feet dangled off the edge of the roof; he felt the cool night breeze on his face, tugging at his dark curls.
Hopelessness and despair washed over him. He couldn't do it. No matter what anyone did, nothing could bring back Remus. He couldn't keep living without him. He felt bad for leaving James and Peter. He knew it would destroy them, but part of him didn't care.
Sirius struggled to his, the copious amounts of alcohol attempting to keep him down. He pulled off his outer robe, revealing a mess of burns and cuts on his arm, all in various stages of healing. He took another long drink of the bottle next to him, dropping the cigarette butt into the growing pile on the roof of the astronomy tower.
He imagined Remus's voice in his head. It was so clear, it seemed as though Remus were standing right next to him. "It'll be ok, Siri," Remus's voice said softly. "It'll be over so fast."
Tears started to run down Sirius's cheeks. "You're not real, Remus," he said weakly, trying to convince himself.
"Don't be ridiculous, Siri. I'm right here with you. I miss you so much."
"Stop it," Sirius said, though even he wasn't sure if he really meant it. Tears continued to stream down his face.
"It's ok, Siri," Remus said. "We can finally be together again. I miss you so much."
"No! Remus wouldn't tell me to- to- to do that."
"Siri, I am Remus. What are you talking about?"
"Shut up shut up shut up shut up." Sirius clapped his hands over his ears, trying to shut out the voice that sounded so exactly like Remus's.
"They'll understand, Siri. James and Peter. They'll get it. Maybe they'll even join us too."
"Remus, please!" Sirius whispered brokenly.
"Please what, Siri?" Remus asked innocently.
"You know what!"
"It'll be ok."
Sirius wanted to believe that it was true. Remus sounded so real, so comforting, so reassuring. He opened his eyes. He could have sworn he saw Remus, reaching a hand out to him, standing just a few feet away.
"Let's go, Siri," Remus begged. "I miss you so much."
Sirius's breath hitched. "Remus-"
"It's ok," Remus said. "I love you, Siri."
"I love you too, Remy."
"Everything will be ok."
Sirius took a deep breath, reached out to take Remus's hand, and stepped off.
Sirius's death tore James and Peter apart. James didn't leave the room for days at a time, Peter was never there. The only thing keeping James afloat was Lily, who spent all those days in James's room with him.
Being in that room, being with James, was too much for Peter. He found a group of new friends. He wasn't especially close to them, but they were a distraction. They had alcohol and drugs and sex and everything he needed to forget about his problems. To forget about Sirius and Remus.
James Potter and Peter Pettigrew graduated from Hogwarts in a class that was distinctly missing two people. They tried their best to heal, to move on, although they would never forget.
James continued to keep himself busy, working as an Auror and throwing himself into work for the Order. Peter helped as well, though less enthusiastically. They were young. They had barely finished school and now they were preparing for a full-blown war.
Lily and James got married shortly after graduation. It was a small ceremony, just their families, Peter, and Dumbledore as the officiant. Both would have preferred a big affair, but there was the whole problem of an impending war.
It was held in a Muggle church. Lily's parents and sister sat in the front pew on one side of the church, James's parents and Peter sat on the other side. There were two seats marked as reserved next to Peter.
After the ceremony, James excused himself for a moment. Peter followed him into a back room, where he found him sitting on the couch, his head in his hands.
"They were supposed to be here," James whispered.
"I know," Peter said. "I know."
"I miss them."
"Me too."
James wiped his eyes. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be," Peter said. "It's ok."
"I hope that they're at peace."
"I'm sure they are," Peter said firmly. "Everything will be ok."
And it would be, James was sure. They might have lost Sirius and Remus along the way, but at least half of the Marauders would make it. They would make it through the war, they would live long, happy lives. Peter would find someone, he and Lily would have a family.
In five, ten, fifteen years they would be older and happier, watching little children run around a yard while talking about work and life. The war would be over, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named would be defeated. And no matter what, they would never forget about Sirius and Remus. Everything will be ok.
A/N
well it certainly has been a time.
i sincerely apologize for this and also just in general. i finished my first year of school, and am doing surprisingly ok all things considered. i'm also going by dean now, and he/him pronouns.
i am going to be writing a oneshot epilogue for this, which will hopefully be posted in the next few days. it will be in the same series (if you're on ao3).
again, i sincerely apologize. i initially had longer plans for this fic, but it has been forever and i'm no longer held at gunpoint by a maurauders hyperfixation. i did want to finish this tho! i'm currently running over plans for a new fic, for a tbd fandom, but it will be posted at some point hopefully soon. i finally got a new laptop, so it's much easier to write now.
this fic is dedicated to /padsandtamprongs on ao3, my friend arrow who took their life during the time i was writing this series. i fucking miss you dude, and i'm sorry, and i hope you're at peace now.
anyways, i love you all, if you're reading thank you so much i love you sm and wish you all the best
dean 3
