Chapter 25

Spite


[Torque.]

I opened my eyes, just barely, and it was morning.

I was somewhere. My brain took it in steps. I felt the material beneath me. It was leather, large enough for my tail to sprawl out comfortably. Then my immediate surroundings. I saw a soft blanket, tussled on the floor. There was a glass coffee table nearby, with a cup of water.

Then the room. It was large and mostly devoid of color. The source of light that woke me up was the sun through a thick layer of clouds, hanging high above City 31. The room's windows were huge and allowed the entire outside late morning in. I rose, and behind the couch I saw the beginnings of a kitchen area. Stainless steel fixtures and white drawers. The room was clean, and on the walls there were abstract, rectangular paintings.

This is… Kelly's apartment.

As I leaned against the back of the couch, the brief moment of alertness I enjoyed started to slump.

The memories started flooding in, and my grogginess slowly left me.

Anthony is dead. It doesn't feel real. Maybe it isn't real. Maybe this is just some malformed nightmare, some evolution of my daily torment to now include people that I care about who are still alive.

I pinched my hood with my nails. Hard. I winced. I clenched my fists.

A deep sigh escaped me, and I leaned back onto the couch. There was an emptiness inside me. I knew I was hungry, thirsty. My body was sending the signals. But this emptiness was larger than anything physical. It sat at the bottom of my chest, occupying me, from my head down my entire length of my tail. Nothing was worth the effort.

It even subsumed what my brain told me I should feel. There were tears behind my eyes, and all I could do was stare at the ceiling.

Maybe there was a way out.

I roped out of the couch, and stood tall. For a brief moment I had purpose.

My tail reminded me it was sore as I visited the kitchen and grabbed my implement. I moved with a fervor I haven't felt in days. The tears wet my eyes, but I held them back. I wasn't sure if it was anger or determination.

Because of a few automatic bodily processes I didn't ignore, I knew where the bathroom door was. I peeled off my long sweater– I wasn't sure how it got on my body– and turned on the bathtub's water. Might as well make it hot.

Eagerness flooded me as I watched the tub fill up. As the water rose, so did my excitement. I knew it was sick and wrong, but excitement was the next tool I used to keep my eyes dry. Then worry. I probably wasn't going to do it right.

I slithered into the human-sized tub. The warm water caressed me, enveloping my hips up to my chest, but I had to leave a portion of tail leaning uselessly and cold outside.

The water settled, only disturbed by my breathing. I felt my heart pound as I stared at my body beneath me. I'm doing it. I'm really doing it.

I brought one arm across my chest, and the knife's point pressed lightly into my scales with the help of my right hand.

Was I supposed to drag with the handle? It'd start skipping across my arm– I don't want to botch it. Instead I moved my hand to grip the flat of the blade, meaning I'd have to rely on the sharpness of the knife to do the work.

Kelly would keep her knives sharp.

My heart beat harder as I stared at my forearm, right underneath the blade. The edge drew a few scratches on my scales as my arm shook, my breathing accelerating.

What would Kelly think if she found my gray body in a blood-filled bathtub?

"Fuck."

I released my forearm, and swung my right arm out of the tub. The knife dangled between two fingers harmlessly out of view.

She'd blame herself. She'd say, "I shouldn't have left her alone, I knew it." I can't let you be right Jane. Fuck you.

Fuuuuck, you.

The knife clattered to the ground. My hands pressed against my face, and the tears began to flow.


I snapped alert when the walls muffled a few sounds. The jingling of keys followed by a creak, then a slam. Jane's home.

The footsteps were heading toward the living room. Shit, she's gonna see the bathroom light is on, and she's gonna come in here. Is she going to run? Fuckin' breach in?

Knowing she'd hear the water splash, I rose up enough to lob the knife toward some random corner of the bathroom. Behind the toilet. Perfect, who looks back there?

The footsteps stopped. She's reached the couch. They started again and got closer, and closer.

"Hey." Jane's voice remained quiet through the door, but it still carried her confident tone. She tried to hide the worry.

I contemplated not responding, but that was a bad idea.

"Hey."

An awkward silence slipped between us, before Kelly found more words.

"What are you doing in there?" It wasn't interrogative. Just… curiousness.

"Taking a bath."

More silence. "Do you mind if I come in?"

I tapped my fingers, and my normal response slipped out. "I mind."

No sigh, no rebuttal, nothing from Kelly to tell me she was displeased besides another pause. "Okay."

Her footsteps slowly left, somewhere in the kitchen.

I sighed and sunk further into the hot water. I… should go see her.

It took a few minutes to leave the bathtub. It felt like the water wrapped hands around my arms and tail, keeping me in place. Eventually I bit the bullet and got up. After I dried off, I put the long sweater on again and stared into the mirror.

Before me was a gray viper with sunken green eyes. I was surprised to see what I was seeing. I leaned in and looked at my facial scales, and poked away. They've lost their shine. I turned my hips. Was I… thinner? I flexed my bicep and pinched the muscle, trying to gauge the width. Man, I am ugly.

I almost forgot something. My torso leaned against the countertop as my hand struggled to grab the knife. I couldn't bring it outside. Instead, I opened the cupboard underneath the sink and hid it in the far corner, behind ordered toilet paper rolls and extra shampoo bottles. God she's so meticulous it's like she's still sharing a bunk in the Avenger. I'll have to come back for it later before she finds it.

I placed my hand on the door handle, and took a deep breath.

Kelly was sitting on the couch now, a mug nestled between her hands. She stared upon City 31 through her massive windows. She was taking it in.

I felt nervous. I hadn't done anything wrong. Maybe I did. Whatever. I slithered over to the couch and sat on the other end from her.

Kelly was wearing her professional clothes. Charcoal gray and navy blue across her whole body. She put her mug down on the table and looked at me, her white streaks of hair brushed back.

I looked out the window. "What day is it?"

She looked out with me. "April fifth."

I wasn't that surprised. "I've been here for seven days… huh."

"It's nice to talk to you."

I leaned back into the comfortable couch, staring at my thumbs in my lap.

"I haven't eaten anything, have I?"

Kelly folded her arms. "I tried to get you to eat a bagel on Tuesday."

"I think I remember that."

"You ended up eating it, so… I'm glad. Figured you could get up and get food yourself then." She said.

"Sorry about any crumbs, by the way. On your couch. I ate it in the dark."

Kelly just smiled. "It's no problem." Then her smile disappeared. There was sorrow on her face, and I could tell she was building up to actually talk.

I could ease toward the switch. "How'd Ophinasa get in?"

Kelly cast a hand to the side. "Oh. Ophinasa was able to get a few of her agents to work a security checkpoint that day, all the gunmen went through there. As to how she placed her agents, we think there was some psionic persuasion when it came to work ledgers. This operation was in the works for months and no one caught it." She balled a fist on her thigh.

"And the pheromones?"

"Drove a truck into the air conditioning sub-area."

"She was going to spread it by air conditioning?"

"Yeah." Kelly nodded.

I rubbed my fingers together in thought. "How come they never deployed it?"

Kelly's hands went out to explain. "Remember the first pheromone attack. It was one viper who had control of the others. We think the pheromones have to be tailored to work for one individual. Once Ophinasa was off the table…"

She noticed me staring blankly past her.

"...You did a good thing that day."

I snapped out of it. "Was it a hard shot?"

"What?"

"You shot her yourself, didn't you?"

Kelly remained quiet. She wasn't sure what my reaction would be.

She closed herself in, crossing her arms. "I had the most to lose if the shot missed. So I figured I'd do it myself."

It eased me to talk about that day. Still, I could feel darkness pulling at my heart. Kelly noticed too. She knew what was next. I looked at her.

"How'd he die?"

Kelly restarted, and straightened her back. She placed her hands together between her legs and gave me her full attention.

"I'm sorry for what happened that day. I'd hope none of you would have to feel this pain. Losing a squad member, or… a loved one. No one deserves to feel that."

"How'd he die, Jane?"

Jane looked down, forming her next careful words. "He was hit trying to find cover on the second level. The needle pierced his side and traveled straight through his heart. With the amount of adrenaline in his system we don't think he felt much pain. He bled out within twenty seconds."

That was it. A random bullet just struck him down, dead. Twenty seconds.

"I'm sorry."

I looked down to find Kelly sitting next to me, hunched over and close. Her comforting hand rested on mine.

I wasn't even bawling at this point. Water just falls out of my eyes.

"I don't think I can work this job anymore."

Kelly readjusted a little, telegraphing to me she was worried. Regardless, she remained by my side, quiet.

I continued. "I'm just tired of killing, and death. I've had enough in my life. I don't think I can do it anymore. And this city. I need to leave this God-forsaken city. Anywhere else is better than here."

I knew that wasn't true, she knew that wasn't true. She remained supportive.

"I can arrange that. It's just a few papers to sign."

I expected her to stop me somehow, or discourage me. She would advise that it wasn't the best idea or something. But she didn't.

"Thanks Jane."

"Of course." Jane stood, and wiped a few crumbs off of her shirt as she headed for the kitchen.

"You're welcome to stay here for as long as you need."

I picked up the blanket off the floor and wrapped it around myself. "You mean that?"

Jane paused as she was opening a cupboard. "I'd kick you out eventually, but I know you'd leave before that. I'd drive you crazy."

I smiled. "Heh. True."


[Thursday, April 5th, 2040. 9:39 PM. Torque.]

Talking with Jane made me feel something, like there was a fire ignited within me. It didn't take long for it to extinguish as the thoughts of missing Ramirez in my life entailed. I reverted back to previous behaviors I exhibited during the past couple of days: Sleeping, staring, doing nothing on the couch.

City 31 lit up the living room as rain dappled against the glass. Streaks formed and fell, distorting the bright, structured skyline. He understood me. Partially. What mattered is that he wanted to understand me. He was willing to listen, compromise and talk… everything that he was is gone now. Even his struggles were reduced to nothing. His debts would default and the state would take ownership of his assets. Who writes a will at twenty?

The city moved before me. I could spend a few hours watching before I fell asleep.

Then I remembered. The knife.

I got up quickly and headed toward the bathroom, switching on the light. It took a while before my eyes would adjust to the warm yellow. I reached into the cupboard and found the handle. Perfect. Hopefully she wouldn't–

Jane looked down at my hand, and then at my face. The surprised look she held betrayed how comfortable her bathrobe looked on her. Of course she would get up at this time.

"Uh, hi Jane. I was just…"

"I wondered where my missing paring knife was." She hid her face behind a hand, somehow ashamed.

I stood frozen. She put her hand by her side.

"Let's just put it away."

Like a scolded child, I slithered over to the kitchen and slid the knife into its wooden block. I didn't even want to look at her. Instead I leaned over the granite countertop, staring at the striations in the stone.

She leaned with me. "I was there once."

I looked over. "You were?"

Now she was the one staring ahead. "I lost someone who mattered to me, during the war. It was hard."

I wanted to argue. How dare she compare?

She put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "I had thoughts like these, too. But I never committed. And… I'm proud of myself that I didn't. I could have thrown myself away then, but now, every day I work with people whose company I enjoy. And live in a future that was just a fairy tale during those days."

"What kind of future does a viper like me have?" I was getting sick of the water intruding onto my eyes.

"Whatever you make of it."

The small puddles beneath my head splashed onto my forearms.

"How can you say that? I have no… useful skills. I'd end up like the rest of my kind. I'd be shoved to the bottom, no opportunity. If I was having a hard time working for you, in my own apartment that I could afford, what future do I have?"

"Torque. You are the most determined person in Chimera Squad. Yes, you. Your stubbornness is why I knew you'd be a good fit. And it's a tough job. It's okay to want to quit. But you're still stubborn. You're still determined. Hell, we had to chase you down across half the midwest because of how stubborn you are. Point that determination at anything you want in life; see how high you soar."

It felt good to hear that from her. But a piece was still missing.

"I mean emotionally. I had no friends before you. And even then, I started running us into the ground. Anthony– He listened. He understood me. He was the only person in my life I could talk to about anything and he'd still listen, or at least try..."

Kelly dropped her gaze.

"...no offense."

She placed her hands together. "No. You're right. I wasn't the best I could be in our relationship."

Silence filled the air. She sighed. She didn't seem bothered by my admission. Instead, she seemed focused on the next words she could say.

"Ramirez's funeral is this Sunday. I hope you come with me."

I twiddled my thumbs. "It's too soon."

Kelly laid her hands flat on the countertop.

"One thing I still haven't forgiven myself for– I didn't go to her funeral."

I remained quiet.

"Consider the option for me." Jane pushed herself off the counter and walked toward the bathroom.

My arms lifted me up. For a while I just stood there and stared at the patterns in the stone, letting the cold sink into my palms.

Jane called over. "Do you need anything?"

"I'm alright."

I slithered back over to my couch with Kelly's words burned into my brain. I thought over them again and again, with the roar of raindrops filling my ears.