Life in Alphabet

Harvey Specter & Mike Ross (AU)


Disclaimer: Suits characters don't belong to me, they're property of their creators. I use them to tell crazy stories.


S for Son

"Don't call him. It's no big deal". Harvey demanded vehemently for the third time, though no one else seemed to care. Another of the wonders of paraplegia: you become invisible to the world and are at the mercy of the capricious desires of others. He still felt weak and a little dizzy, but he didn't see any merit in that outrageous concern or in all the hysterical chicken attitude of both women. Sure enough, it could have been a fatal complication, but it wasn't: then why didn't they declare it a false alarm and everyone went back to work instead of wasting time swarming like mosquitoes around him?

"Of course, we'll call him", Donna stated as she sat down on the couch next to him.

"Why? I'm fine".

"Mike will never forgive me if I don't and he finds out", Rachel replied, standing with her arms crossed in disagreement.

"He's in a meeting with a very important client, and he doesn't need to be disturbed every time I have a bloody migraine", Harvey said as he pressed the ice pack against his forehead again.

"There is nothing more important to Mike than this. You should know".

"And tell me, Rachel, what exactly is 'this'? I already told you I'm fine! Why do you have to make it so hard?!", Harvey exclaimed, raising his voice slightly.

"Calm down, please, Harvey… It could have been autonomic dysreflexia and you know it well. We can't hide it from Mike. Also, you must calm down because your blood pressure is still a little high", Donna demanded as she handed him a glass of water.

"And we need Mike to take care of my fucking pressure? I didn't know that in addition to forging a law degree, he had also forged one in medicine".

"It's not for you. It's about him", Rachel pointed out as she reached for her cell phone.

"How!?"; Harvey asked, opening his eyes.

"I promised him that whatever happened to you, no matter what you said, I would call him. I'm sorry, Harvey".

He understands why Mike made that request. He tries to do it. For a moment, he places himself in Mike's shoes. It's not about what he thinks, feels or wants, but about what his protégé has struggled with since the day a drug addict hit him with his car, right in front of his nose: fear of losing, which mutated into a panic attack. Harvey never believed that he would become the reason for someone's panic attacks, but it made him feel terribly guilty, and it didn't get any better with every little inconvenience or hiccup they had with their health, and the overprotectiveness of the people around him.

"If you really cared about my pressure, you wouldn't make me deal with a dramatic pup just because I got a little seasick", Harvey said, sighing resignedly about the emotional tidal wave about to come.

Mike put his cell phone on vibrate, like he always did before a meeting. He didn't answer the first or the second call, but when there were three calls, he couldn't let it pass: that was the agreed key, and he didn't have the courage to ignore the stake that went through his abdomen. He saw Rachel's name on the screen, and immediately excused himself to his client, saying it was an emergency, and heard the first sentence, and then the rest, distantly, like underwater: "Mike, I'm so sorry to interrupt you, but you made me promise and...".

Rachel didn't have to tell him that it was his mentor, and knowing it before she had to say it was a direct blow to his temple; he felt the air being sucked out of his lungs and for a moment he lost the ground where he was standing; he experienced the anxiety, the emptiness in his stomach and the cold sweat, because when he asked Rachel to make that promise he never thought about the real and actual possibility that he would have to keep it.

"He's fine, we wanted to call you before, but…".

"I'm going back":

"Calm down, it was just a little incident and we wanted to tell you why…".

"I already said I'm going back to the office".

Before hanging up, Mike was already in front of his client explaining that he had to attend a medical emergency so he would reschedule a meeting as soon as possible, and the latter, although he was not happy, saw his lawyer as the living portrait of anxiety and fear, and for a second the idea of asking who died crossed his mind.

Mike came running into the office to meet Donna, Rachel, and Harvey. The oldest was sitting firmly at a 90° angle, supported by the decorative cushions and his legs stretched out on his favorite couch. He was also holding an ice pack over his head. Maybe he fell out of his chair and hit the desk. Yes, that's it. Nothing more. Calm down, Michael. Something returned to his body as he witnessed Harvey's chest rise and fall normally and his mentor's eyes roll with annoyance as soon as he saw him cross the doorway with a worried white face.

"What happened!?", the colleague asked before catching his breath.

"Calm down, Mike, I'm fine, and I'm sure you heard the same thing on the phone, so calm down", was what Harvey said trying not to lose his head from minute one; if his blood pressure went up again, he risked being taken to the ER by those paranoid bastards and then he wouldn't see sunlight for a couple of days. Furthermore, it had become his duty to step forward, to be wiser, less explosive, and more understanding, especially when it came to his protégé, his fears, scattered energies, and well-intentioned recklessness. Otherwise, neither of them would get anywhere, and they'd be pulling Rachel, Jessica, Donna, and Louis between their legs. Literally.

"Tell me what happened", Mike asked again, and Harvey knew perfectly well that this was not a question for him, but for the two women who looked as if they had been found by their mothers making out with their boyfriends in the corner of their apartment.

Mike crouched down beside his mentor and began to inspect him like he was some bloody zoo animal. Harvey didn't think it was possible to hate and love someone so much at the same time: he hated Mike for his exaggerated concern and weak attitude; he loved him because in his puppy eyes he could read the love and fear of a son for his father's well-being; Harvey Specter refused to use that unconditional affection as a weapon against Mike to teach him to be more rational and to act with nerve rather than with bellies. Still, it was uncomfortable and inconvenient: Harvey didn't want to mean so much in anyone's life, because it was equivalent to having the ability to destroy them from the inside.

"Nothing happened. It was a misunderstanding", the older lawyer replied, even though he knew in advance that Mike wasn't interested in anything he might argue.

"I…I walked into the office to drop off a file and saw Harvey at his desk with his eyes closed. I asked him what was happening. He was slow to answer, he told me his head hurt and then I walked over and noticed he was flushed and sweating. I took his pulse, and it was slow, and then I thought…", Rachel tried to explain, knowing ahead of time that her fiancé was two seconds away from a stroke.

Mike didn't have to hear any more to figure out what it was.

"Autonomic dysreflexia... why the hell isn't here a fucking paramedic!? Didn't you call the ambulance? Do you hear and see well, Harvey? Mike mentioned already standing and looking for the wheelchair that was a few meters from the resting place of his mentor. He asked her that last question, but didn't even give her a chance to issue an answer. "We're going to go to the hospital right now", Mike sentenced, adjusting the brakes on the chair and pretending to move the eldest from his place. Harvey clearly read his intentions when he put a hand on his shoulder, to which he responded with a curt dismissal.

"What!? No! We're not going anywhere! I have work!", Harvey yelled, though it didn't seem to have any effect on his listeners. They didn't even show any signs of having heard him.

"We're not stupid, Mike. We checked his blood pressure and it was only slightly high and then we gave him the pill and he told us he felt better…".

"And you believed him. Don't you know that slightly high isn't good for him, right? Heck, you know that this complication is fatal and he had the symptoms. Even with that you didn't immediately call 911... What were you thinking!? He could have a heart attack!".

"In that, unlike you, they do listen to me and they care about my opinion". "Now goes mine, kid", Harvey thought.

"Sorry?".

"I'm not a fucking mindless doll that you can manipulate and order what to do, Michael, and not because I'm crippled, I'm going to allow you to talk about me as if I weren't in this room". Those present tensed at Harvey's lack of tact, but none interrupted him. "You must mature and understand that it is not the end of the world... and even if it is, whether you are present or not will make no difference. What you can guarantee me, and in what you have failed so far, is that my will be fulfilled, and you will respect my wishes. I don't care what your stupid insecurities are, I want you to stop acting like you can't understand that one day, sooner rather than later, I hope, I'm going to die and there's nothing you or anyone can do about it!".

"Harvey, stop it!", Donna reprehend him, quickly sensing the effect those words would have on the junior partner.

Harvey realized that he had pressed the wrong buttons, but it was too late. He watched Michael's eyes lose focus and read an unexpected panic rise from his legs to his chest, threatening to suffocate him. His colleague stumbled back, and he had the urge to get up and help him steady himself, before he was faced with the painful reality of the motionless of half of his body.

"Mike?", Harvey asked, his annoyance turning, in moments, to concern.

Mike put his hand to his heart and kept backing away; he tried to brace himself against the desk, but he misjudged the distance to it and nearly hit the carpet, if it weren't for Donna and Rachel supporting him. In the face of Rachel's fearful screams, he tried to normalize her breathing; however, the attack had begun and suddenly Mike felt that the only way to make it disappear was to run away from there. He wasn't breathing. He couldn't see. His arms were shaking. His head was going to explode. He wanted to scream, but his voice was caught in the blockage in her throat. The junior partner heard his own heartbeat in his ears and felt his eyes burst from their sockets. Get out, get out, get out was his only coherent thought.

"Mike, please breathe!"; Mike listened to Rachel's dismayed call and wanted to answer, but his tongue was stuck inside his mouth. "You're fine, you're fine, Mike", she repeated, drawing circles with the palm of her hand on her fiancé's back. When Mike was minimally stable, he left Harvey's office and headed for the restroom, because the initial fear and nausea from the panic attack had taken their toll on his lunch. Rachel followed close behind, escaping the gentle hand of Donna, who tried, in her silence, to mediate the situation.

After the two young men had left, Donna gave Harvey a disapproving look, but her expression changed to one of pity as she realized that the senior partner was staring blankly at the floor and had shifted to the edge of his seat in a moment. attempt to get up and help his associate. The secretary knew that the last thing Harvey wanted was to trigger a panic attack with his words, and that his outburst was the result, as usual, of something Mike and Rachel couldn't yet make out.

"You shouldn't have been so harsh. He only cares about you. You can't blame Mike for that".

"Not now, Donna. Better go check on Mike".

"I can't leave you alone, Harvey":

The older cursed under his breath. His intimacy, his decisions, his choices; in short, his autonomy was constantly violated, even by the people he loved, because they did not grant him the ability to continue taking care of himself, as he had managed to do during the first four decades of his life before the accident. That moved his insides and magnified his bad character. He didn't want that level of help, concern, and dedication from others, just as he didn't want to lose power and control over himself.

He's overpowered you again, hasn't he, Harvey? You wanted to act differently, assume the role that corresponds to you, make him feel better, but...

But Mike was just standing there, talking like he wasn't there, like he was some idiot who doesn't know anything about his own condition. That's what he explained to Donna.

Donna took a deep breath before sitting down next to her boss.

"Mike would never think that of you. He admires you more than anyone in the world. He is programmed to expect the best from his mentor. It's not his intention not to listen, Harvey. He is afraid that something will happen to you and he can't do anything to avoid it. Do you remember that Rachel shared with us that the therapist told Mike that this is the source of hs panic attacks? Not only did you use that against him, but you made him relive his worst fear, throwing it in his face".

Harvey nodded halfheartedly, thinking that he really was an ungrateful bastard. The guilt soon turned him into his slave, making him think that he did not deserve such devotion and that it would be better if the others left him alone and to his fate.

"I know, Dona. I'll talk to him and ask for an apology".

"And Harvey…".

"What?".

"It's not that he doesn't care how you think, how you feel, or what you know, it's just that Mike wants to take care of you, and that sometimes means disobeying you".

It was a relief and, at the same time, a torture, when he was left alone in his office. He couldn't get his pupil's gesture out of his head for the rest of the day.

Michael heard the distinctive sound of wheels turning, but he didn't look up from the documents behind which he had hidden his embarrassment for the rest of the afternoon. No, he wasn't going to make it easy for his boss. It was enough that he was aware of his weakness and had dared to use it against him, which was something that he would only expect from his worst enemy.

"Mike?".

No, not that voice; he would bear anyone's but his mentor's. Not that night. He had had enough of his callousness, selfishness, and deception.

"I'm busy. What do you want, Harvey?", Mike got up and pretended to arrange some books on his furniture. He avoided any eye contact.

"We need to talk":

"I don't have time. I must go court tomorrow morning".

"Mike, please. This is important":

"Perhaps it is for you, but not for me…".

"Mike, I know you're upset...".

"No, I'm not. I just want to finish my work and go home".

"Mike, please look at me".

It took an enormous effort for the junior partner to convince himself not to attend to that "please"; he resisted closing some folders, putting some pens in their place and packing some files to finish reading at home.

"Mike, stop moving. Look at me".

When the younger stopped and raised his head, Harvey saw those watery blue eyes and the hurt expression he chose to ignore as he finished his storm of hurtful words.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean those things. I didn't mean to hurt you".

"Then what did you want, Harvey?".

"I wanted you to listen to me...".

The junior partner smiled bitterly.

"Don't worry. You won't have to worry anymore about not listening to you. I finally learned that I don't have to get involved in matters that don't concern me".

For some reason, that not only hurt the major, but worried him, because even though he knew those words were the product of pain, disappointment, and probably anger, his head drew the scenario in which Mike distanced himself from him and abandoned him to his fate.

For a moment, he imagined how different his life would be, in the current conditions, without the help of his protégé; Harvey depended a lot on him, and, beyond that dependency, the kid was a spark of vitality and joy in his day-to-day life. Not only did he help him in the task of maintaining himself as the majority managing partner of an international law firm in an exceptional manner, despite his physical and mental sequelae, but he also obtained from him the care and attention of a dedicated son, capable of put it above any other of his plans; a friend sensitive to his new needs, without the discomfort of making them explicit; a pupil willing to see through his failings and recognize the value of his teachings; a legacy that only Mike could follow, and no other associate no matter how brilliant, could build on it.

He was conflicted: on the one hand, he didn't want Mike, and consequently Rachel, to grow apart, because there was no way he could convince himself that his world wouldn't be shaken by his departure: they were his chosen family, they were a reason. to go on, they were strength and enthusiasm that he no longer had.

He wouldn't accept it out loud, but what they provided him daily in attention and affection was usually enough to divert his concentration from the aberrant pains that overwhelmed him.

On the other hand, Mike's overprotection, being the center of his concerns, the inconvenience he caused them when his health deteriorated, the way Mike and Rachel canceled plans and moved agendas to be able to accompany him and help him... it was disturbing, and in more than one occasion, he felt embarrassed that they were forced to put him first on their list of priorities. It wasn't fair to two young people who were about to start a life together. It was not something that Harvey Specter's pride would allow, and yet it happened, and they cunningly sold it to him not as the fulfillment of a moral duty, an act of charity, or a resigned burden they could not refuse, but of a conviction born of family love, of the one that does not abandon despite the difficulties, despite the illness, despite the obstacles; the one Harvey never believed existed. Either way, the senior partner understood that he wouldn't survive long without that support, no matter how much his skills and tenacity forced him to overcome his circumstances. Still, he was evaluating the situation not based on his own selfish interest in keeping his legal career alive, but on his traumas with abandonment and his fear of loneliness: it would break his heart and he didn't think he could last long after that.

"Mike, please sit down". It was the tone of voice Harvey used that made him obey. Mike sat right in front of his boss. The older lawyer took courage, unconsciously tightening the arms of his chair.

"I'm sorry. I behaved like an asshole".

Mike couldn't help but express his surprise at the choice of words. Not that it was wrong.

"I'm the last person you'd expect to use your weaknesses against you, but I needed you to stop acting like I wasn't there and realize that's not the way to react. You do not help me. It upsets me to know how you'll be when it really comes down to a serious situation. I need to know that someone will act with a cool head".

"Harvey, I…I was going to do it. You had to go to the hospital. You could have had a heart attack".

"Let me finish. The thing is, I am an adult, and I am still empowered to make decisions regarding my health status. And, of course, you are too. If one day I am… unwilling to take them, you will do it for me, and I fully trust you will do the right thing".

"You said you were disappointed about that".

"I was wrong. Actually, you are doing exactly what I expected and it is your role: to worry excessively, take care of me and everyone in this firm, make sure that I behave up to the standard and do not get us into more trouble by neglecting my health, and disobeying me every chance you get".

Mike smiled lightly, the sadness on his face not completely erased.

"There is something you have to stop at, however, and that is to think that you can solve it and control everything…".

"Harvey, you're bleeding from your tongue".

"Funny. Seriously, Mike. How do you think I feel knowing that I'm the reason you started experiencing panic attacks?".

"It's not your fault".

"Why do you say that?".

"I don't want what happened to my parents to happen again. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. When I woke up, they were gone. I can't afford... to be late again...".

"Mike…", Harvey's voice betrayed him. "I promise you that I will do what is in my hands so that we can say goodbye when the time comes. You don't have to worry about that: I know what I'll take from this life about who we are and what we mean to each other. Regardless of what happens tomorrow, the next, or the next: I know it. I have it present. I will not forget it".

"I'm sorry, Harvey; for losing control, for losing my head, for not getting over it...".

"I do not pretend that you overcome it, but that you learn to deal with it and it does not mean an obstacle for our relationship".

"I try, but every time I think you might die…".

"Stop thinking. I'm not that fragile. I'm fine".

Mike looks up and is greeted by the sly and wise serenity in his boss's eyes. In them he reads calm, pride, patience, understanding; somewhat different from the feelings they reflected when they started working together. Yes, they have both grown. Mike was aware of how damaged Harvey's body was after the accident, but also how strong was his conviction is and how resilient was his will.

Harvey clapped him on the shoulder.

"I'm not going away anytime soon, son. I know you're not ready yet".

The paternal nickname and tone took the junior partner by surprise.

"You've never called me that before".

"It seemed pretentious to me, but it's to make you clear who are you talking to. Not with your boss, not with the mayor partner…".

"I understand, Harvey. Thank you".

Harvey just smiled, give him and eyehug and leave.