PROLOGUE
To recap:
Link was dead. We won't go into the morbid specifics of how it happened, suffice to drop a few key words - Peahat, stampeding cows, Lake Hylia, sex toy, explosions - and move swiftly on.
The first person to know about this tragic occurrence was Navi, who flew off to try to get what she had just seen out of her memory by any means possible, unsuccessfully.
The second person to learn about it was the Happy Mask Salesman, who turned on his tap on Monday morning only to have what was left of Link slop out into his sink and clog up the drain.
'Ho ho ho ho ho,' the Happy Mask Salesman said cheerfully. 'You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?'
To also recap:
Ganondorf, King of Thieves, was likewise dead. Princess Zelda, five minutes after sending Link off on his quest for the Spiritual Stones, realised a much easier way to solve the problem was to run over Ganondorf with a tractor. Which she did, repeatedly, in front of her screaming father.
'Why?!' he screamed at her after she had finally finished.
'Because I'm the embodiment of the Goddess fucking Hylia and I do what I want,' Zelda said honestly.
Once he had finished screaming, Zelda's father sent her to her room to think about what she'd done.
So yeah, that stuff happened.
With both its chosen hero and chosen villain dead, destiny made a rapid change to its plans and chose a new hero to do...something, and shone down its heavenly light on them to let them know that they were now the chosen one.
Dampé was out in the graveyard in the early morning, digging up someone else's grave to begin working on his own intricate racecourse tomb, when the heavenly light of destiny shone down upon him, causing him to overbalance and fall headfirst into the hole just moments after he'd realised he was accidentally digging into the massive underground torture chamber that all the villagers pretended not know about.
Dampé, now the hero chosen by destiny, landed on the hard floor of the catacomb and swore. As his eyes adjusted to the gloom, he realised something was shuffling through the gloom towards him. As the thing got closer, Dampé realised it was a small crowd of ReDeads, the reanimated corpses of Hylians that the villagers also pretended not to know about. Everyone would embarrassedly look away whenever some guards showed up with a delivery of them to casually drop into the well.
Dampé tried to turn and run in the opposite direction, only to be paralysed into place by the shrill screams of the living dead. They slowly surrounded him before, to his horror, their held up their hands to reveal that they were all holding ukuleles. Dampé could do nothing but stand still and be subjected to their mediocre performance while inwardly, his soul twisted and writhed in agony.
There are some fates far worse than death, and this scene just portrayed two of them.
This has a been a prologue for the story to come.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is the first attempt I have made at writing a crackfic. Yes, I will continue the story with more chapters and yes, in doing so, I will probably surrender the right to call myself a decent human being. Will it be worth it? Probably not.
