One Week Earlier
The edge of graduation is on the horizon, and instead of studying or applying for internships, Lily has been doting on Natsumi every free hour of the day. Cuddling her close in empty dormrooms, braiding and brushing her hair in the Great Hall, and (most scandalousy!) snogging her breathless in dark corners of the library.
It's stupid addicting, kissing Lily. Like tempting a dragon or seeing how long she could hold her breath underwater. Not that Lily would hurt her like a dragon or water in her lungs, but she certainly comes off that way…
Even with her constant reassuances that she loves Natsumi. Would never leave her. Never hurt her. Always fight for her. Even with the evidence Natsumi has. She still wondered. Still trembled. If something would ever cause Lily to snap and betray that same love that she showers upon Natsumi everyday. Natsumi wouldn't be able to take it. For years she's been bathing in Lily's light, and to have it suddenly gone? What an ugly fate.
"Lily...when did you know?" Natsumi fiddled with her hands, her fingers, feeling like they'll break or fall off of her wrists, "When did you know that you...loved me?"
Lily's eyes grew distant. Fond. As if she stepped into a dream. Or a drug-induced hazed. A love potion haze. "I'd like to think I've always loved you, Nat." Her hands squeezed hers, "Even on the train. Even before we even met. Before we were born." Lily hummed, her eyes shutting, "Our souls knew each other long before all of this… We were lovers in a past life Nat, I know it. That's why my feelings are so true. So intense. All the past centuries and lifetimes of loving you are all collected in me. Compounded."
Something about Lily's speech endeared and frightened Natsumi. What else was new? Wanting to be loved so intensely while fearing for her safety.
"But...But I knew that it was love for sure when we kissed, Nat. For the first time. Do you remember? I had been so nervous leading up to it, wondering why I...Why I was thinking about you like that. Like how I used to think about John Lennon and Brian Wilson. I didn't know, then." Lily smiled. "Our kiss told me all I needed to know. All we were destined for. I should have kissed you sooner. We've lost so much time."
Lily leaned in to try and snog Natsumi senseless. While Natsumi usually enjoyed the sessions (not that she wanted to admit it), she retracted back. Wanting to keep Lily centered on the topic, "Lily, we're in public!"
"And?" Lily pressed her nose up against Natsumi; she could smell the cloves and cinnamon on her breath from the Sugar Quills she was eating earlier, "We're alone, everyone's out in study sessions or testing." Lily was still pressing for a public relationship, but much less now. Especially since Natsumi had agreed to holding hands in public and sitting next to each other everywhere.
"And anyone can just walk in!"
Lily laughed. Something beautiful and clear. "You're so paranoid, Nat, it's so cute!" She pinched Natsumi's cheek, "Let them come in. Let them see. I want them all to see that I'm yours. You're mine."
Now
"Lily...when did you know?" Natsumi fiddles with her hands, her fingers once again feeling like they're break and fall off. "When did you know that you...loved me?"
Lily blinks, her eyes distant. As if in a haze. "When did you want me to realize?"
Natsumi holds her breath, "When we had our first sleepover of course...That's when you first realized you loved me...as a friend."
Lily blinks again, recognition and realization flooding her eyes, "Yes, that's right. I remember!" A laugh, something hollow. "How could I forget?"
This is bad. Natsumi should feel bad. Terrible. Horrible. She does. But she also feels something else. Something relishing. And in control.
"And...What do you think of Lupin?" She does not dare refer to him as Remus.
"...Lupin? He's fine." Lily blinks, "How did you want me to think of him?"
Holy fuck.
Natsumi presses her lips together, wetting them, hands fiddling together and heart racing. "Nothing. He's just friendly. I think we could all get along marvelously, don't you?"
A pause, as if Lily is processing this information through a very thick sieve. "Yes. Yes, Nat, I agree."
Natsumi releases a breath. "Just...Just listen to me, okay, Lily?" She touches Lily's shoulder gently, "Don't let other people influence you or tell you what to do and feel...Just me, okay?"
"Sure thing, Nat!" Lily's smile is dulled, though still beautiful.
Natsumi swallows the guilt in her throat. "Just be good. Be good and kind. As you are, Lily. To me. To everyone." She grips Lily's shoulder now, perhaps a tad too hard. "And...And if you feel jealous, Lily. If you feel rage or despair, just let it go. It's nonsense. Forget about it. Okay? Can you do that for me? Please?"
"Of course, Nat!" Lily tilts her head, though if she's confused about the command, she does not ask about it. "I'll do it for you."
Yes, she will. She has no choice.
The potion Severus gave Natsumi is his own creation: something she has no trouble believing because the boy is brilliant and a fantastic cook (potions brewing is akin to cooking, and therefore all highbloods who have never made food for themselves are naturally quite lackluster at potions); for Lily's thirteenth birthday, he made her her grandmother's special cookies without a recipe. Through taste alone! Having buried her just the week before, Lily cried and embraced him fiercely. It was enough to make Natsumi just a little envious.
But, returning to the present: Severus helped Natsumi poison Lily. Not poison in the traditional sense: they would never bring harm or death to Lily! But poison as in… There is now something in her body that does not belong there. Something that changes how her body works.
Medicine. Severus had encouraged Natsumi to think about it as medicine. Something that changes how Lily's body works, but that also ultimately helps her. Medicine. It's medicine. Just medicine.
It doesn't feel like Natsumi just gave Lily medicine. Not by a longshot.
She's extremely suggestible. More so than when Natsumi bribes her with kisses or affection. Lily does everything Natsumi says without a second thought. Agrees to whatever she says. Remembers whatever Natsumi tells her to remember.
Lily has completely forgotten her obsession with Natsumi.
The change is stark and incredibly noticeable. To her and Severus, that is. Everyone else outside of their trio is oblivious. Thinking that Lily's just a little sleepy. Just a little day dreamy. Nothing's wrong. Just a case of Seventh Year Pox[1].
"I have an idea." He confesses, as if said idea were his very last resort, "But it's not very ethical."
Not at all. It's a hair's step up from the Imperius Curse if that. The only reason it's legal is because no one outside of her and Severus is aware of its existence. If anyone knew… If anyone found out about what they had done (had planned for weeks ahead!), then…
Natsumi shivers. She is not her biological father. Not even close. The situations are entirely different. There's no question about it. She's not taking advantage of Lily. She's protecting herself. She's protecting Lily by extension! What if Lily were caught hurting someone out of jealousy? Expelled? Sent to Azkaban? It's for her own good. For their own good. To keep their little trio together. To be able to breathe.
Somehow it's not very convincing to Natsumi.
The potion isn't exactly a permanent solution either… It's not a curse or even a hex, and so it will eventually leave Lily's body naturally (like medicine, her head provides). She will have to be dosed regularly in order to keep control. In order to keep her docile. Even outside of Hogwarts. While Severus made a large batch, enough to last a good bit if they ration it out, it takes so long to make it. What if… What if something were to happen to the batch? If it spoiled or spilled or got contaminated? And they were just left with Lily as she is? The raw, unfiltered, terrifyingly affectionate Lily?
And then… Well, while the other Ravenclaws, prefects, and girls in their year don't notice anything off about Lily, Petunia will definitely know something is up. The blonde girl (woman now, really) has been with Lily since the beginning. Knows her best, Natsumi's sure, despite what Lily or Severus might try to claim. Petunia knows how Lily is towards Natsumi. She knows Lily's nature. As a sister does.
The closer to summer break they get, the more nervous Natsumi gets. She even debates (for a short, painstakingly awful moment) dosing Petunia with the potion as well. But dismisses the idea almost immediately: Petunia is married. She has her husband and life now. Her own household and routine. She will be too busy to notice. She will believe that Lily is just waiting for her NEWTs results. For a return owl on a job offer.
That's what Severus says, anyways.
Natsumi thinks Petunia might try to kill her. That's what she would do if… If someone had poisoned Mao like that.
Petunia is a red flag to watch out for, the other Ravenclaws and prefects are not. But what of those meetings? The ones that Lily runs off to without warning and with such secrecy? Natsumi's long learned that Severus was also a part of it, and since she's started observing the leaves of absences, she's noticed others gone as well. Potter, Pettigrew, Meadows… If the rumors are to be believed, they're a part of a new cult or organization, but there's just about nothing all of those people have in common with each other. Other than, thankfully, not being a part of the aspiring Death Eaters group (of which Severus was dangerously close to being inducted in, she fears). Natsumi's asked Severus about it, but he's very tight lipped about the whole thing. As if he was sworn to secrecy (which she's starting to believe he was). As if it was Lily who made him promise not to tell specifically Natsumi.
Damn wizard is a little too good at keeping secrets. But that might be a good thing considering their current situation with Lily.
...Now that the stress of the potion is off her mind (for the most part, anyways), it leaves room to wonder… Why does Severus know how to make a potion like this? For what has he needed it for? If Natsumi thought he was dangerous, surely she would have reported it long ago (would she?)
She bites her lip. Lily had told her, in passing, small anecdotes (horror stories, really) about how Severus' father was. Someone Natsumi had only seen in passing, and rarely for any longer than a few seconds. He's a broodish figure, perhaps much more handsome in his youth, reduced to something bitter and...festering. She can see the resemblance, even if Severus wouldn't like hearing it.
Natsumi has never suffered any abuse, mental, emotional, or physical, from her family. At least, abuse that was given on purpose. So if her suspicions are correct, does she truly have any right to say how Severus should deal with his father?
She wonders what his mother would think of all of this. If she knows. Wonders. Suspects. Encourages it.
What will Mama say if she knew...If she knew what Natsumi did to Lily?
She'll never find out. She'll never ever find out and Natsumi and Severus will take this secret to their graves (oh God, will go that far?)
No. She has to believe in an alternative. That Lily will calm down as time goes on. That a better form of help will come in the form of real medicine. Of advanced legilimens. Because otherwise…
"Nat." Lily speaks slowly, laying her head down in Natsumi's lap, playing with her fingers, "Nat, it's strange, I...I want to call you love. My love. Is that alright?"
She sounds confused. As far gone as Natsumi's mother on her bad days. "Yes, Lily, of course." Natsumi combs her hand through Lily's auburn hair, "But only when we're alone. I am your love. You are mine...Okay?"
"Okay!"
This is for the best.
[1] Wizard version of senioritis.
Why did it take so long to update? Depression pit. Sorry to everyone who waited for this and Serpentine to update. They're both updated now! Check it out.
