The person I'm ghostwriting for hasn't contacted me in months, and the last time I spoke to her, she was going through a really rough time.
Unsure about the future of this fic, but I wanted to post this because I know a lot of people like it, and it's (surprisingly?) one of my most popular stories. It's also grown to mean a lot to me, and I hope I'll end up finishing it one day.
If you want to talk to me elsewhere, my writing tumblr at skooffuskalid is active and always open for requests.
ALSO: holy crap, sorry to FF readers, I never uploaded a chapter (No, Part 3), SO YOU'RE MISSING SO MUCH JDKFJDKL GO READ IT NOW
They haven't had sex. Or anything beyond heavy snogging sessions (which are much enjoyed by Natsumi, despite her sexual repression). But she can tell that Lily's more than ready. Eager. Waiting. For that granted permission. That nod of her head. That guiding hand. That moan of approval. Sometimes Natsumi wants to give in and indulge herself, but she gets too scared to. One: because it's natural, of course. It would be her debut into sex, and her inexperience would render her wildly insecure. Would she do a good job? Please Lily? Be pleased herself? Or flake out and be boring in bed?
Two: she doesn't like the moral implications of bedding Lily while she's under the influence of the potion. It keeps her under control and from pushing herself onto Natsumi, but it also has her following her every order without question or hesitation. It reminds her too much of her biological father. The monster who shares half of her genes. It doesn't matter if Lily would happily sleep with Natsumi without the potion. It's not a line that Natsumi is going to cross anytime soon.
Of course, this leaves her absurdly powerful teenage hormones without an outlet. Not outside of masturbation (she still feels mortified at doing it, but has gotten the hang of what she likes and doesn't like to be done to her) and sensual dreams. There's certain sensations she doesn't know, and there's only so much her own hands can replicate, so her brain fills in the blanks of pleasure with feelings of warmth and joy. Replaces the softness of Lily's breast with the softness of her hands.
Natsumi doesn't feel as guilty anymore, not since Lily admitted to her that she had also touched herself to the thought of her. The confession shouldn't have come as a surprise, but she found herself blushing furiously and stuttering at the revelation. Lily had laughed and pinched her cheeks, delighted that Natsumi was flustered, because she had missed her stuttering.
"It's normal, Nat, I promise." Her head tilted, in the before times, when the potion was still in progress, "There's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm happy. If you had thought about anybody else, I'd kill them."
Natsumi never doubted that.
.
In the middle of the night, Natsumi wakes up from a nightmare.
The details of it disappear in the fogginess of consciousness, but the feeling remains. Running. Trapped. No hope. Lily. Rescue Lily. It's not Lily.
There's no Lily in her bed. There's no Lily in her own bed either.
She slips on her slippers and robe, tip toeing quietly out of the room and dorms, down the tower and into the common room. Empty, not even a ghost in sight. Odd. Lily didn't have patrols tonight. She would have told her, surely. She's punctual about that…Unless…
She swallows her nerves. Lily's either in the kitchen or…
Natsumi journeys outside Ravenclaw Tower towards the Room of Requirement. A much more secretive, secure place for her and Lily to…Indulge in their teenage wants. Tell each other how much they love each other (which, lately, has more turned into Lily telling Natsumi how much she loves her while Natsumi takes it all). There's no reason for Lily to be here without Natsumi. Since she's been taking the potion, Lily has only hung out with her. Her and…
When she enters the room, Lily and Severus are speaking harshly to one another. They notice an intruder and the two break apart as they turn to look at her. Surprise. Regret. Guilt. As if she had caught them cheating, in the midst of the throws of passion. Considering their tired eyes and haunted look, Natsumi might have preferred that. Even if the thought of Lily embracing another makes her teeth itch.
"Nat!" Lily is both happy to see her and upset. "You're up past curfew!" What a silly thing to point out, considering… "We were just planning your birthday par–"
"She's not an idiot." Severus sounds resigned. He doesn't look at Natsumi, preferring to look down and away. His hands at his side, tightened to fists.
"I didn't say she was!" Lily hisses, desperate to keep her thin facade up, "It's not even a big deal, not even a big secret, I just wanted it to be a surprise–"
"-You've been hiding something from me for years!" Natsumi's voice raises, almost cracks from the unusual volume. "Keeping secrets since fifth year at least… Don't you trust me? Don't I deserve to know what's happening to my own friends?" Her only friends?
Lily looks pained. Conflicted. More of her old self from before the potion seems to slip into her gaze and actions. The way she leans forward to immediately attempt to comfort Natsumi, reaches for her with a hint of desperation. "Nat, Nat I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry Nat, please forgive me, you know I…I would never hurt you on purpose or keep you in the dark if it wasn't for the best, I'm just protecting you, Nat, you have to believe me, Nat, please–"
Severus just looks frustrated. "Lily." He commands. "Focus."
Lily's entire body changes. Her posture and aire give serious confidence. The body language of a soldier. She obeys Severus' commands too...? Natsumi should have expected that. It's normal and natural (he's a Slytherin, after all), but that doesn't mean she has to like it. Or accept it.
Natsumi straightens up. Alert.
Severus sighs. "Tell...Tell Natsumi about what's been happening...You know I cannot." Cannot? Was she right about him keeping an oath of secrecy?
Lily nods once: determined. "It's an organization Dumbledore started."
"...Organization? For what?"
"Taking down Voldemort."
The name makes Natsumi shutter still, though she is pureblood. "Lily, don't say that name."
"Of course. What should I call him?"
"You-Know-Who or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."
A nod. "Yes, Nat. Dumbledore started an organization called The Order of the Phoenix to defeat You-Know-Who."
That in itself is not altogether surprising. Dumbledore is the great wizard who defeated Grindelwald, after all. People expect for him to repeat his performance and defeat this new Dark Lord as well. What does surprise her is why Lily (and Severus) know this.
"What does that have to do with you?" Natsumi dreads the answer.
"We're a part of it. An important part, I would say–Sev's a"
"Lily!" Severus interrupts, "Are you sure?"
Lily pauses, still dazed, still clouded, trying to process the allowance of free will. After a few seconds, she nods "Yes, Sev. I trust Nat. She's my friend. I love her."
Guilt grips Natsumi's heart as she smiles through the feeling, "I love you too, Lily–You can trust me."
"Sev's a spy for us… He's been doing it for months now. No one's supposed to know. Not even me. But we're friends! So of course I know, and now you do too."
Yes, by forcing it out of her. Natsumi glances at Severus for a split second before speaking again, "Why did you hide it from me then?"
In her eyes, Natsumi can feel the Lily she bound struggling to break free. Her face looks conflicted, helpless, apologetic. "I want to protect you Nat! You know that!" Still, the witch is restrained. Does not reach out to touch or embrace her. Because they are not alone. She still listens to orders. That's good.
"You just had to be the hero, Lily." Such a…Gryffindor thing for her to do. Perhaps that was the house the hat wished for her, at first. "You're so…" Natsumi laughs softly, under her breath, feeling shy suddenly, "You're so good. Of course you'd want to save others. To protect me." She would say to protect my family but she knows better. "And of course you would drag poor Severus into this."
Severus rolls his eyes but looks mildly amused. Lily looks on the edge of tears, "Yes yes, all of that, Nat, you get it, you understand, right?"
"...I understand." Of course she does. Brave Lily who's always been a leader. A witch of action. Putting herself in danger for others. "I…I'm still hurt I wasn't told, but I understand." Natsumi opens her arms just the slightest, and Lily doesn't hesitate to rush into her arms. Squeezing her tightly and burying her nose into her shoulder, sniffling.
Natsumi can smell Lily's shampoo. Feel her hair tickling her cheek and nose. This closeness was missed. Unfortunate that it had to happen in front of someone else.
When they break, Natusmi whispers, "And Lily?"
"Yes, Nat?" Her eyes are so wide. So desperate to please. To earn her love.
"Never lie to me again."
.
Lily is sent to bed, and it's when she and Severus are alone that true concern grows.
"My missions are growing more intricate… I won't have time to brew the potion at this rate."
Alarm fills Natsumi's gut, "She can't just come off it, she'll–"
"I know." Severus huffs, annoyed at being interrupted. "That's why you'll have to start weaning her off it right now,"
"I can't do that!" She wrings her hands, "Sev, you know how she was like before this, she'll attack someone for looking at me."
Severus presses his lips into a thin line, "My hands are tied. She's probably had enough of it that the effects might stick around…"
"Might?"
"Might. I've adjusted the dosage for someone of her size and weight, but it's not perfect. If it can linger in past test subjects who had more mass and weight, then it could linger in her."
"Like…Like the effects are permanent?"
"Not permanent, just…A factor."
His wording confuses her. She wrings her hands out of anxiousness, "Then teach me how to make the potion."
Severus scoffs, "That would take longer than actually making it."
"I can read your writing! And I'm not half bad at potions myself!"
"Not half bad doesn't cut it. One mistake and you could kill her. Or worse." His voice is sharp and scolding. The moment Lily's safety comes into question, Severus' demeanor changes. Natsumi rises to meet his energy.
"If she doesn't continue to take it, she'll kill someone, Severus. I know it. You know it. She'll kill someone, and it'll be our fault. She'll kill someone and they'll take her to Azkaban."
The two stare at each other. In a battle of will or in serious contemplation. Both, perhaps. Natsumi (she regrets to admit) does not know him well enough to know if he's trying to wear her down or if he's conflicted with the arguments put forth. What she does know is that Severus is stubborn. Set in his ways. Hard to change, unless it's Lily pushing him towards a direction.
He angrily digs into his robe pockets and practically throws a notebook, thick with pages, at her breast, "Stubborn chit!" before leaving in a huff.
Natsumi looks down at his notebook, filled to the brink with detailed notes on the potion that's keeping Lily in the palm of her hand.
