Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Chapter 25 – Breaking Point
Slamming his door, Kakashi stumbled to the couch and flopped down on his stomach. It had taken forever, but he was finally, blessedly drunk. He couldn't shake the memories floating in his head, which pissed him off almost as much as seeing Amaya and Genma together as he returned home. They'd been just sitting under a tree, talking, and too absorbed in each other to notice him. In his mind's eye, he watched the brown-haired shinobi touch her cheek with his fingers to stop her from talking so he could kiss her. He watched the tension melt from her body and watched how she leaned in to Genma. Gods, they made him sick.
The Copy-nin sought refuge from his thoughts in the long-buried memories that had drifted to the surface the more he drank. He closed his eyes, allowing himself to slip fully into the past, for once dropping his hyper-attentive, Jonin paranoia as his body relaxed.
A gentle night breeze ruffled Kakashi's hair as he leaned against the railing around the roof of the Hokage's residence. Minato stood beside him with his back against the rail. The Hokage's blond hair shone under the moon's radiance. He wore his normal black shirt and pants and blue sandals, but his hitai-ate, metal bands, and Hokage haori were missing. He was home and relaxed as any experienced shinobi could be.
The Third Shinobi World War had only been over for little less than a year, but the silver-haired Jonin couldn't get rid of the paranoia he'd developed. The only thing that helped him was a book series he recently discovered. He hoped someday he could learn to relax like Minato-sensei: the easy but ready stance, the calm yet alert expression. He hoped he'd become half the man the Hokage was. Maybe if he found a girl like Kushina…. He silently chided himself. Finding someone who wasn't afraid to stand up to him and who would be more an equal than a swooning fangirl would be a miracle. He had plenty of fangirls already and didn't need one claiming him.
"You know," Minato said, interrupting Kakashi's thoughts, "my son's going to need someone he can look up to as he's growing up. You think you could handle that?"
"What does he need me for? He'll have you."
The Yondaime turned to face his young pupil. No, he corrected himself, his comrade. Yet he couldn't quite stop thinking about the silver-haired Jonin as his student. His expression hardened as he prepared himself to say the words he desperately didn't want to think about. "But if something happens when Kushina gives birth, if the Fox breaks loose, I'll have to stop it. And there's a real chance that my wife and I might not walk away. So, promise me that, if something happens, you'll be there for him. I'm not asking you to raise him. Just be there for him."
"I promise."
Rolling onto his back and sitting up, the silver-haired shinobi took off his flak jacket and headband, tossing both into the nearby armchair. To escape the pain of thinking of his sensei, he laid back down and let his mind drift back to Amaya. He'd tried to let her be happy, to be a good friend. He really had. But he wasn't sure he had it in him anymore. He was still upset with her for the scene she'd made earlier, but his anger had melted away. He couldn't stay angry with her, no matter how baseless her claims. Neither could he deny that he didn't still have feelings for her, though they were somewhat faded from her long absence and the knowledge of her current relationship. But his feelings were still there behind the wall around his heart — the wall that only she had ever truly broken through.
He rose using nothing but his stomach muscles, not because the feat was impressive, not in a village of ninja, but because it reminded him of his strength. Strength that had sustained him through loss and heartache and countless battles. So why did he torture himself, thinking about her? He huffed a sigh, tired of his weakness, and drifted into memory again. At least the pain he would feel there would dull the ache Amaya left in his heart.
"You wanted to see me, Hokage-sama?" Kakashi asked after he straightened from his bow. His eyes fixed on a small wooden cradle and his stomach tightened.
Hiruzen sat behind his desk, his pipe nowhere to be seen. He noted the Jonin's discomfort before speaking. "How are you doing? I know you and Minato were close."
"I'm fine, Lord Hokage. I appreciate your concern."
"Come now. Tell the truth. There's no shame in mourning the loss of a friend."
Kakashi sighed. "I'm doing as well as I can."
"There's strength in admitting when we are weak. Then we can move past that weakness."
"As you say."
Hiruzen nodded and cleared his throat. "Now, as to why I wished to speak with you. I'm putting together a list of shinobi I can trust to put aside their prejudice and care for Naruto. Can I consider you among them?"
The Copy-nin's eyes flicked to the crib. He could see Naruto sleeping peacefully. "I will defend him with my life, but I won't raise him. I...can't. Forgive me."
The Sandaime sighed, rising from his chair and taking the sleeping baby into his arms. He held the child out to Kakashi. "I understand, though I think your choice is a mistake. I knew my successor's wishes. He wanted you to be part of his son's life."
Kakashi stared at Naruto. He wanted to bolt for the door and yet he found himself reaching for the swaddled child. The baby opened his eyes, eyes the same brilliant blue as his father's. The Jonin was grateful for the resemblance to his sensei. Yet the wound of Minato's death was still too fresh and the child's presence stung. Naruto, ignorant of Kakashi's hurt, cooed, pulling at the Jonin's mask. The silver-haired nin held the baby close then, vowing that he would honor the promise he made to Minato. But caring for the child was beyond him, beyond his ability to tolerate pain and far beyond his emotional limit. "I'm sorry, Naruto. So sorry."
Rising to his feet, Kakashi wiped the tears from his face. He had failed Minato, broken his promise. Amaya was right; he neglected Naruto for no other reason than to escape pain that he hadn't dealt with. The older Naruto grew, the stronger he became, the more like his father he seemed. And that...was too much. The silver-haired Jonin knew, though, the time for running, for grief, was over. He would face himself, move past the hurt he bottled up for years, and do as his sensei wished. He would be there for Naruto from now on and embrace the memory of Minato reflected in the Yondaime's son.
But tonight…. Tonight he needed to grieve, as he had not since his sensei's passing. He strode back to his room, and opening the bottom drawer of his dresser, reached to the back. His hand wrapped around the hilt of the kunai his sensei had given him for his Jonin present; however, as he brought the weapon out, something else snagged on the kunai. A small velvet-covered box escaped the confines of his dresser along with the knife. Laying aside the weapon, he picked up the box and opened the lid. Inside, nestled in more velvet, lay a ring, a simple silver band studded with emeralds.
He snapped the lid closed, shoving the jewelry box back into the drawer. He could only deal with so much at once. Finding the ring he'd planned to give Amaya the night she told him she was leaving crossed the line into too much. One problem at a time. Before he could pick up Minato's kunai, someone knocked on the door. Apparently, the gods didn't want him to even attempt to finally move past his grief.
Amaya's thin smile greeted him as he opened the door. He stared at her for a moment before moving aside to let her in. They sat on his couch, the physical distance far smaller than the emotional gulf he felt stretching between them. He waited for her to speak, watched her play with the ends of her hair.
She took a deep breath. "I don't regret what I said earlier, but I do regret not understanding where you were coming from. I know how much you loved Minato-sensei and I know it can't be easy for you to be around Naruto, but that—"
The silver-haired Jonin pulled down his mask, stopping her with a kiss in the same heartbeat. She didn't kiss him back. He pulled back only to kiss her again and push her back against the armrest. He wouldn't sit idly by and let Genma take her from him. She'd be his again.
"Kakashi," she said before their lips could meet again.
He changed tactics, placing kisses along her jawline. "You're not stopping me."
"Because I don't want to hurt you."
"You're letting me because you want this." His lips ghosted down her throat. He slid her jacket off while following the ridge of her collarbone to the soft flesh right above. His tongue drew circles there before he gently bit down. A moan worked its way from Amaya, encouraging him onward.
Her hand clamped around his wrist as his fingers found their way underneath her shirt. He couldn't break the steel of her grasp and soon found himself alone on the couch. Amaya stood out of his reach, arms wrapped around herself.
"Why can't you accept that I'm with Genma? I thought we were okay."
"He doesn't deserve you."
"And you think you do?"
"Yes. I love you."
She shook her head. "If you did, you'd let me be happy."
"You can be happy with me. Remember that first time we kissed? How the stars shone and how you pressed against me? Remember that night we came so close to making love, but you said you wanted to wait?"
The auburn-haired Jonin's voice was small when she answered and she wrapped her arms tighter. "I remember."
"Why can't we have that again? What's stopping us from picking up where we left off? Why can't we be together? I want you and it's obvious you want me too." He rose from the couch, walked over to her, and put his arms around her. "Please, be mine again."
Amaya leaned her head against his shoulder, and for a moment, he knew he'd won. But that dream shattered with her words as she pulled away. "I don't feel that way about you anymore. And I think it will be better for both of us if we…. If we're not friends anymore. Maybe that way we can both move on."
Without looking at him, she headed for the door, closing it gently behind her, before the tears started flowing. Kakashi stood dumb, not knowing what to do. Never had he imagined it would come to this. His mind, already slow with drink, didn't want to process what just happened. Instead, he went to sleep, crawling into bed and staring at the wall. Amaya's words chased him round and round his head until finally his mind caught up and he cried. At some point, exhaustion took him into a dreamless sleep, a thing for which he was eternally grateful. Tomorrow would bring fresh tears, but for now, he was safe.
When Genma opened his door, Amaya threw herself into his arms. The tears she'd hid on the walk over flowed freely. With her head buried in his shoulder, she missed the bewildered glance cast between Genma and Raido, who sat in an armchair enjoying a cup of tea. The Tokujo guided her to the couch and gathered her close. Amaya cried until she couldn't cry anymore.
"What happened?" Concern clouded the brown-haired shinobi's words and drifted to his gaze when he saw the red mark on her neck.
She sniffed, raising her head to look at him. "Kakashi tried to convince me to come back to him." She saw the way Genma bristled and so clarified her words. "He didn't hurt me."
"Not all wounds can be seen," Raido offered from his chair.
"I know and I'm not upset about what he did—"
"What did he do?" Genma barely kept the anger from his voice.
"He kissed me, that's all."
The brown-haired nin ran a finger over the red mark. "And what's this?"
"Okay, he did a little more, but I stopped him before things got out of hand."
As far as Genma was concerned, letting things go as far as they did was out of hand. But he knew now wasn't the time to speak his mind. He didn't think he'd say anything at all, though. He had to pick his battles. "What did you tell him?"
"That I didn't feel that way about him anymore and that it might be best if we stop being friends. The problem is I don't know if I meant it."
Raido chimed in again. "Well, it seems only natural that you would still feel something for him. He was a big part of your life for a long time."
The Tokujo glared at the scarred nin; he could stop any time he wanted to. Returning his attention to Amaya, he kissed her forehead. "As much as I hate to say it, I don't think you'll ever be completely rid of the feelings you had for him. But I trust you and know you'll do what's right. For you and for him."
Amaya wiped her face and nodded. "Thanks for not getting mad."
"I could never be mad at you, my love. Only at him for causing you pain. Want to stay here tonight? I wouldn't feel right leaving you alone."
Before Amaya fell asleep, Genma's arm around her, she said a prayer for Kakashi. She knew she'd made the right decision, but she hoped her choice wouldn't cause him too much suffering. Her prayer done and Genma's warmth against her, she drifted off, pleasant dreams accompanying her through the night.
