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Chapter 30 – Moving Forward
Amaya lay in bed, sick with fear. She knew she couldn't put this off anymore. She'd avoided him for long enough. Three days was entirely too long, but still as the fourth day dragged on, she couldn't make herself get up. She'd always avoided her emotions as best she could, putting off dealing with them for another day. She'd lived her whole life that way, but it wasn't just her anymore. Genma needed her to get a hold of herself; he didn't deserve this.
Still, she didn't move except to curl into a tighter ball, as if making herself smaller would shrink the enormity of the emotions raging inside her. Staying with Genma wasn't an option; there were too many cracks to ignore. Yet she feared losing him above all. Taking a deep breath, she tried to ease the constricting feeling in her chest. She cast her mind back, searching for the first hint of doubt. The auburn-haired Jonin found it easily and slid into the well-worn memory.
Amaya and Genma lay in her bed, both tired after a night out with a freshly single Raido. They knew he needed the distraction, even if the break-up had been mutual. She pressed herself against his back, seeking his warmth. The Tokujo was already fast asleep, and she wasn't far behind. She was content just to lie next to him.
As she drifted between sleep and consciousness, she realized she never wanted this to change. She was happy to stay in this moment; there wasn't any reason to go anywhere.
Her eyes closed, her breathing deepened. Her body relaxed as it only did when she felt safe. Yet even while tumbling into her dreams, a small voice in her head asked if moving forward was such a bad thing. Amaya shoved that voice away into the deepest recess she could find. Of course moving forward was a bad thing; moving forward meant right now would end.
Amaya had managed to ignore that seed of doubt for a while. The only thing that mattered was that she was happy. Or so she'd thought. Now, that tiny seed had grown into a choking vine around her heart. Restlessness stirred within her, pacing like a caged animal. She could see the stagnation in their relationship and that sameness scared her. The kunoichi got up, dressed, and walked out the door without any idea where she was going.
Lost in her thoughts, she barely noticed the people she dodged in the busy streets of Konoha. The sounds of construction barely reached her; the village was already beginning to recover from the failed invasion. Another memory welled to the surface. Walking back through their relationship seemed to be the only way she could justify what she was going to do. She had to be sure it was the right decision, as if going back once more would help alleviate the pain she felt.
With Raido gone on a mission, they had Genma's apartment to themselves. The brown-haired Jonin let her straddle him before pulling her head down to kiss her. She didn't resist his attempt to control the situation, but soon made it clear that she was the one who would make the decisions.
Amaya forced her tongue into his mouth; he didn't put up much of a fight. She found him more than willing to go along with her, so she slid her hands underneath his shirt. Her fingers were light against his skin and a shiver passed through him. Breaking their heated kiss, the auburn-haired shinobi rid Genma of his tight shirt, revealing his muscled chest that had hidden behind cloth.
A niggling tendril from the back of her mind made her pause for a fraction of a second on her way down to suck on one of his nipples. A quiet whimper escaped the Tokujo's parted lips. Ignoring the uneasiness that had squirmed inside her for a brief moment, Amaya shifted back so she could reach the fly of his pants. Their mouths met again, though Genma's enthusiasm was noticeably less.
He was gently pushing her away before her fingers found the zipper. "Stop." He pushed her away so he could sit up. He remained silent for a moment, choosing his words carefully and bracing himself for her reaction to them. "This doesn't seem...weird to you?"
By his shaky tone, she knew there wasn't any chance of starting where they'd left off. She moved so she sat beside him. "Weird how?"
"I don't know. Just weird. It's not that I don't want to, but…." Genma trailed off, frustrated at his inability to voice the discomfort clinging to his thoughts.
Taking stock of the uneasiness that resided in her own mind, Amaya spoke slowly, careful in her words. "Something does feel off. Maybe we're rushing things? Maybe neither of us is sure if we really want to take this step yet. Any of that sound right?"
"I think it's a bit of both. And something else I don't have a name for."
She too felt that nameless, formless feeling hanging between them. Neither of them knew how to make it go away, so they parted ways for the night to think.
This happened the day after she'd confronted Kakashi, telling him they couldn't be friends anymore. The next time she and Genma met, a few days after, the uneasiness was gone, drowned by the contentment that ruled their relationship. Neither wanted to admit or relive that failed attempt at intimacy, so yet another unpleasant event found itself in the darkest corners of their minds.
Amaya knew what that faceless thing had been: repulsion. They had tried to move forward when neither had really, truly wanted to. By then, they'd both begun to feel restless and they wanted to do something about it. Having sex had seemed to be the best way to further their relationship. She shuddered at the thought; she loved Genma, but sex with him wasn't something she wanted. It would be like sleeping with a close friend for the hell of it; it would ruin whatever good was between them.
The repulsion had come back a few days later when they tried to make out. It came back again and again until only chaste kisses felt right. By then, both silently acknowledged the cracks growing wider by the day. But just as before, they continued on as if the ground wouldn't crumble out from under them at any moment.
The auburn-haired Jonin climbed the stairs to Genma's apartment as the last memory, a dinner they'd had only a few days before the Chunin Exams, replaced its predecessor. It was by far one of the least painful but perhaps the one that she thought highlighted their troubles best.
She sat across the table from Genma. A half-eaten plate of dumplings rested between them, forgotten in their conversation. They'd been talking about everything, things they hadn't thought they needed to talk about, things they thought they knew about the other. Amaya was amazed at the things she didn't know about him. She hadn't known he preferred cats to dogs whereas she was the opposite. She hadn't known he had quite a nice sum squirreled away in case of an attack on the village, a sum which he carried in a special sealed pouch given to him by the Yondaime. After years of wandering, she had little money to her name. She hadn't known his feelings about children.
"I could see myself wanting to settle down in the next few years. You?"
"I don't really see myself as a mother. Even if I wanted them, there'd be a lot of things to consider. I wouldn't want to put any child in my situation. No one should have to grow up without their parents."
"I see your point," was his reply. She could hear the "oh, that's too bad" underneath. Tension stretched between them, something they'd grown used to over the past week. None of their conversations seemed to flow easily anymore; they'd stumble from one topic to another.
"For what it's worth," the Tokujo said, trying to dispel the sudden lull, "I think you'd make a great mother."
What could she say to that? Nothing came to mind, so she simply smiled.
"So, how're you feeling? You tossed and turned all night."
"I had a nightmare."
"About?"
"The usual. Losing my team. I never sleep well when I have it. And to top it off, I dreamed about my parents."
"We all have nightmares, and with all you've been through, it's not surprising it still bothers you. Hell, look at Kakashi. He still hasn't recovered. He'd never admit it, but he has nightmares more frequently than you. I've been on missions with him, seen how little he sleeps some nights."
Amaya smiled at his words and plucked a dumpling from the plate, biting into the cold meat and pasta to give herself time to think. He was trying. He really was, but he'd obviously never experienced any great loss. Not like she had. Not like Kakashi had. Kakashi would've just taken her hand, offering silent support.
Their conversation waned until she finally suggested they go to bed. Waiting for Genma to finish brushing his teeth, Amaya wondered how long they could keep pretending.
The Jonin took a deep breath before knocking on Genma's door. The Tokujo answered and a small smile crept to his lips. "Hey." He stepped aside so she could enter.
"Hey." Like him, she didn't know what else to say. They both knew why she was there. She sat on the couch while he closed the door. Genma joined her, but silence stretched between them. Amaya didn't know how to begin. She suspected a small part of her still wanted this to work, still wanted to stay in this comfortable place with him.
"So," the brown-haired man said, "I guess this is where we stop pretending, huh?"
"I think it's for the best. We'll only wind up hurting each other if we don't."
"Good. Pretending's hard." He wiped a hand across his forehead and smiled at her. "I wish we'd been able to pretend longer, but I'll take what I can get."
She couldn't help but return his smile, her words losing the edge they would've had. "Stop joking around. This is serious."
He raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Really? I thought we were just playing house. Nothing serious about that."
"I guess we were, in a way."
"And after we stop playing and we go our separate way, back to our own homes and our own beds, what happens then?"
Her smile grew with his metaphor. "We meet up and drink sometime, like friends do."
"I don't know what kids you've been letting drink, but we'll go with that." He paused, returning to a more serious state of mind. "Just because I'm losing you, doesn't mean you have to vanish completely."
"Of course not. We work. Just...not as anything more than friends."
"We're a little more than friends, Amaya. You have to realize that. You're important to me in a way that no one else is."
"I don't know what we are, but you're right. You mean everything to me. I can't lose you, not completely."
His smile returned. "We good?"
"We're good."
Footsteps stopped in front of the door and Raido came in, carrying a couple sacks of groceries in his arms. "Is it safe? I saw Amaya coming this way, so I thought I'd take the long way home."
"It's safe, Rai," the auburn-haired Jonin assured him. She was surprised at how smooth and painless their break-up had been. But then that was Genma's way. He wouldn't pursue something he knew in his heart was a lost cause, counter to the persistence of another Jonin she knew. They might not meet up for drinks for a week or two, but they would. And she thought their friendship would be stronger for their experience.
She turned back to Genma and Rai's conversation right when the scarred shinobi began talking again. "Yeah, Gai said Itachi was in the village this morning and that they took Kakashi home to rest. He thinks that traitor was after Naruto."
"Genma, I…." Amaya stopped, not quite wanting to admit she was worried about Kakashi, but she knew if she said she was going to check on Naruto, he'd know she was lying. She didn't even think Naruto was in the village; the last she'd heard the Genin and Jiraiya were off to find Tsunade.
The Tokujo pulled her into a quick hug. "Go on."
She was out the door by the time he finished speaking.
