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Chapter 40 – Making Amends
Amaya woke to someone pounding on her door. Wide awake, she leapt from bed, moving through her home with ease, even though she couldn't see straight. Whoever was at the door pounded again with more urgency.
Haku started talking the moment she answered. "Genma and Kakashi are hurt."
"You may as well come in while I get dressed," the auburn-haired shinobi said as she stepped aside to let him in. Leaving the young medic-nin in the living room, she dressed quickly. Her heart beat fiercely in her chest, but whether from adrenaline or worry she wasn't sure. Kakashi had been hurt on their Anbu missions together, but never anything a few weeks of bed rest couldn't heal. The concern she'd seen in Haku's face made her decide worry was driving her pulse up. Taking a deep breath, she returned to Haku, who wanted to leave immediately. Amaya pulled him down onto the couch. "We can't do anything for them right now. We'd just be in the way. As much as I'd like to go, waiting is smarter."
The ex-missing-nin nodded despite restlessly shifting his weight. "You're right. I was there when they were brought in. I offered to help but was told I'd just get in the way. I know I haven't finished my training, but I could've helped. I know more about poisons than some of the doctors here."
"They were poisoned?"
"Yes. They were with a couple other Jonin on a mission in Grass Country. Don't know what they were doing there, but apparently they ran into an old trap or something and realized it too late. I heard some of the medic-nin talking. The poison was used a long time ago. Back at the start of the Third War. It was hard to cure then, but a cure was found eventually."
"So why aren't they using it now?"
"Most of the hospital records caught fire during the invasion. Tsunade-sama is working on a new cure, though."
Breathing a sigh of relief, Amaya said a silent prayer to the gods to thank them for the Lady Hokage. If anyone could find a cure, she could. The auburn-haired nin smiled at Haku. "No need to worry so much. I know they'll be fine."
By the time the medic-nin let Amaya see the injured Jonin, night had fallen. She was handed a small tub of cold water and a few white cloths and was told that if she had to be there to make herself useful. She sat in an uncomfortable chair between Genma and Kakashi's beds, making sure the cloths on their foreheads stayed cool and damp. The Tokujo shook and cried out in his sleep, nightmares plaguing his rest. Taking the cloth from his head, the female Jonin soaked it in the water and mopped Genma's sweating forehead. The smile she wore while she did so was soft, full of concern for her friend.
"Don't look at him like that."
A voice full of gravel sounded from beside her. Replacing the cloth, Amaya turned to see Kakashi awake. "Jealousy doesn't suit you."
"You love him."
"Your point? You love Minato and Obito and Rin."
"That's different," the silver-haired Jonin said while avoiding her gaze. "...I'm sorry, Maya. This poison's clouding my head. I can't think straight. When I saw you looking at him, all I could think was that you were going to leave me."
With everything he'd been through, Amaya knew Kakashi's paranoia was well-founded, but that didn't make his comment hurt any less. "What will it take for you to believe me when I say I'm not going anywhere?"
Kakashi sighed. "Nothing. I already believe you. Old thoughts like old habits are hard to get rid of."
Setting aside the basin of water, the auburn-haired shinobi got up and sat on the edge of the Jonin's bed. She pulled down his mask and kissed him tenderly, carefully. How easy it would be to lose herself in him; how easy it would be to go back. Their new relationship was scary. There had been no room for fear in what they'd had before. Fear only existed where there was vulnerability. They tiptoed around each other, afraid one false step would bring the sky down. Pulling back, she smirked when she noticed Kakashi leaning forward to continue the kiss. "Let's leave the past behind us. We can't go back, so the only thing left is to move forward."
It was the silver-haired Jonin's turn to smirk as he pulled Amaya so she leaned against him. "But I like the here and now. Can't we stay like this for a while?"
"Only for a little bit," she said as she relaxed, letting her worry fade a little.
"Excuse me, which room is Kakashi Hatake in?" Sakura asked the nurse behind the desk. The Genin held up the flowers in her hands in explanation. Naruto waited impatiently beside her while Sasuke feigned disinterest.
"Go down this hallway, take your first left, and his room's the second on the right."
Sakura and Naruto thanked the nurse and all three Genin made their way to their sensei's room. Entering, they saw the proctor for the third stage of the Chunin exams sitting up in one bed. He smiled at them, but put a finger to his lips to make sure they knew to keep it down.
In the other bed, Kakashi didn't stir as the trio stepped into the room. Amaya sat near him, his hand in hers. When she saw the Genin, she smiled. "Did you bring those for him?"
"Yeah!" Naruto said enthusiastically. "Ino-chan said they'd cheer Sensei up and help him get better."
"Naruto! You have to be quieter," Sakura admonished.
The blond gave her a puzzled look. "But this is quiet."
"You know how quietly Hinata talks?"
"Yeah."
"You need to be that quiet."
"Oh." The orange-clad Genin said, noticeably quieter.
Amaya suppressed a chuckle. "It's ok, Sakura. He wasn't that loud. Besides, I don't think he'd wake Kakashi anyway."
"Why? What's wrong with him?" Sasuke spoke up from his place beside the door.
Genma answered the young Uchiha's question, surprised at the concern he heard barely covered by boredom. "Poisoned. It's not pleasant, what he's going through right now. I was in his position a few days ago."
"What's happening?" Sakura nervously glanced at Amaya, who nodded for Genma to tell them.
"He's reliving some of the worst times in his life. Think if you had to relive your worst memories over and over for two days straight."
Naruto and Sasuke glanced at the floor in sympathy while Sakura simply looked concerned.
"He'll be fine, Sakura. He's strong." Amaya said this with as much conviction as she could. In truth, she wasn't sure what would happen. Kakashi wouldn't die; they were far beyond that danger, but being forced to relive all the trauma he'd suffered…. She would take his place in a second.
A sound from the sleeping Jonin drew everyone's attention. His eyes fluttered open and darted around wildly before settling on Naruto. "Minato-sensei..."
"Sakura, why don't you go find a vase for those flowers. Sasuke, can you go get some fresh cloths, please?" Amaya spoke quickly. This wasn't something they needed to hear. Naruto didn't need to either, but it couldn't be helped.
The Genin frowned but did as they were told. Naruto glanced after them before returning his gaze to Kakashi. He stepped forward to stand beside Amaya. "Is he having nightmares?"
The kunoichi nodded. "Bad ones."
"I have those too, sometimes. What can I do?"
"Just play along. Please."
Kakashi's eyes opened a little wider, tears forming at the corners. "I couldn't protect your wife. I couldn't protect you. I failed."
"You didn't fail," the blond said, a sympathetic smile on his face. He understood the pain he saw in his sensei's eyes. Being alone hurt more than most people realized. But not his Sensei. Naruto put a hand on Kakashi's arm. Naruto could tell the Jonin had been alone for far too long, had held the pain inside for far too long. "You did the best you could."
"No, I didn't." Tears flowed freely down the silver-haired man's face now. "I let you down. I let you die and there's no one else now. Everyone I love is gone."
"No." Naruto grew serious, his hand tightening on Kakashi's arm. "You have people who love you, if you'll only take the time to look."
"But I...I can't let you go."
"Yes, you can. Letting me go doesn't mean forgetting me. I'll always be with you."
The Jonin put his hand over the young blond's. "Can you forgive me?"
The Genin smile was soft. "I never blamed you."
Hearing those words, Kakashi let his hand fall and closed his eyes, relaxing back into sleep quickly.
"Naruto…. You did well," Amaya said, laying her hand on his shoulder.
He shrugged. "I just told him what he needed to hear."
"How did you know what to say?"
Frowning, the Genin shook his head. "I just...knew. I can't explain it. It seemed so...obvious."
"Well, thank you. You helped more than you will ever know. How about we find Sakura and Sasuke and we all get some ramen. My treat."
Naruto dashed out of the room so quickly that Amaya lost her balance for a moment.
Genma snickered. "You've done it now, saying the magic words. I hope you have deep pockets."
Moonlight filtered into the hospital room, showing Kakashi that Genma was asleep and Amaya slept in a nearby chair, her mouth half open. He smiled at the sight, wishing he had a camera. The moment she found out he'd taken a picture, though, he knew she'd be upset. It would have been worth it anyway.
The dream that had woken him still floated in his mind. He saw Minato standing by the bed, smiling at him and telling him it was all right, that he had never blamed Kakashi for his or Kushina's death. His sensei's smile had burned away his sadness; Minato's words had chased away his guilt. What he wouldn't give for that dream to be reality.
His eyes drifted to Amaya. She'd tucked her head against her shoulder. She was always strong, even when he could see she wasn't. Over the years, she had lost just as much as he had and yet she had found a way to move on without forgetting. The Jonin sighed; he knew letting go didn't mean forgetting, but it scared him anyway. Without sadness and guilt to shield him, he'd have to deal with the deaths of his friends and comrades. A process that had been neglected for over a decade.
Would they be able to forgive him if he let go, if he moved on, if he found peace at last? In his dream, Minato-sensei said he never blamed his student for the tragedies that happened during the Nine-Tails attack. Maybe he could start there? Forgive himself and finally put the memory of his sensei to rest. As sleep tugged him back into darkness, he let Minato's memory fill him and let it out with a sigh. Minato didn't blame him, so he shouldn't blame himself. In that moment, he caught a glimpse of that elusive and shy creature, peace. He couldn't quite catch it, but he knew where to find it now. He would work a little every day, coaxing it out of hiding until it knew him, trusted him. If he was to have a future worth living, peace would have to be part of it.
