Experience babe, kickin' stones and cans
Experience babe, cigarette-stained hands
It's not too late, hear it in the wind
It's not too late for you, feel passion creepin' in
Hyde sat on the edge of the flatbed of the El Camino, parked on Mount Hump at the place he took Jackie for their first-ever date. He breathed out the smoke from his cigarette, watching it dissipate in the night sky. The hair of his mustache tickled his upper lip. He'd grown the mustache because it was something he wanted to try, plain and simple.
He wasn't sure he liked it.
He took another long pull from the cigarette. He hadn't smoked in nearly two years. He'd quit when he started dating Jackie. She'd complained about the smell whenever they made out. Now, he had no reason not to smoke.
He was glad Sam was gone. He'd tried to use her to get over Jackie, but she was no replacement. She was a fine person; they'd gotten along well. But she didn't fit with him like Jackie had. She could never fill the Jackie-sized hole in his life.
He laid back in the flatbed, looking up at the stars through the gap in the trees. Jackie seemed to have fit Fez into her own Hyde-shaped hole. He wasn't happy about it. The only good he could find in the situation was that Jackie claimed she was happy. If she was happy without him, Hyde had no right to be in her life anymore.
But he was fooling himself if he thought she was happy. She hadn't cracked a genuine smile since Sam showed up. Every part of him wanted to make her smile again, that radiant genuine smile he had seen so many times.
He lifted the cigarette to his lips and inhaled, feeling the warmth. He blew the smoke up at the stars, utterly unreachable. He'd looked up at these stars countless times with Jackie. They'd always cuddled and she'd point out the constellations. His only source of warmth now was the burning cigarette between his fingers.
He wished he had Jackie there with him, warming him up. He'd have to settle for the nicotine-scented smoke filling his lungs.
You and I, you and I, you and I,
Arrow through my heart,
Catch a star
Hyde stared up at the stars, his cigarette snuffed out. The tips of his fingers were ice cold due to the cold Wisconsin winter. January wasn't an ideal time to be outside at night.
He could see some constellations. Like Orion and Cassiopeia and the little Dipper. But Jackie had always been better at finding the constellations than he was. She would point them out to him, tell him the stories behind them. He'd always listen.
Now, the night sky was just an infinite expanse of darkness. It made Hyde feel small and insignificant, which brought comfort somehow. If he was truly insignificant, just a speck in the grand scheme of things, it didn't matter that he'd ruined things with Jackie. It didn't matter that he'd married Sam. It didn't matter that Jackie had replaced him with Fez.
Nothing he did mattered. And he found solace in that thought.
It was funny that even months after the fact, he was still feeling heartbreak over the end of his relationship with Jackie. He'd thought, stupidly, that he'd be able to get over her.
He couldn't. His love for her was now just as much a part of him as his sarcasm and his love of rock and roll. He knew that now. He wished he'd known it months ago. Maybe then he would have sent Sam away and made up with Jackie.
No, instead he'd let Sam stay because he foolishly believed she could help him forget the unforgettable. Sam was no way to erase years of real love and- though it still amazed Hyde- happiness. Despite what he'd told Forman, he was happy with Jackie.
It broke his heart all over again to think he'd never be with her again. He couldn't. He'd closed her off as an option forever with his behavior the past few months. He'd tried to push her away because he clearly wasn't good for her. She had to find someone better. Maybe she could find it in Fez.
Who was he kidding? Fez had dyed her hair green not too long ago and called her ugly on the inside and outside.
"Fuck," Hyde muttered as he came to a realization. Fez was even worse for Jackie than he was. And that was saying something these days.
He got up out of the flatbed quickly and got in the driver's seat. He pulled out of the woods and got onto the service road that led to the main street. He started the drive to Jackie and Fez's apartment.
Isolation, rows and rows of cars
Isolation, like Jupiter and Mars
Staring faces, set in celluloid
Welcome to the late show, starring Null and Void
Hyde sat in his car, at a red light. There were surprisingly a lot of cars in front of him. It was late at night and the first day of the new year. He didn't expect so many people to be out.
He had to at least show Jackie that she deserved better. Better than Fez. Better than Hyde himself.
His words to her the first time they'd ever really hung out echoed in his mind: "You'll find somebody great." Jackie had once joked about that moment, about a year ago.
She'd said, "Who knew the 'somebody great' you were talking about was you?"
He'd smiled like an idiot, really believing what she was saying. He hoped she realized it was a lie too.
The light turned green and Hyde continued towards Jackie's. About ten minutes later, he parked outside her apartment building. He got out of the car and looked up at the sky again. As he looked up, he caught a glimpse of Jackie. She was on the roof of the building with Fez, pointing up at the stars.
Suddenly, Hyde felt very lonely. She really had replaced him.
"What am I doing?" he muttered to himself. Jackie didn't want to see him. She wouldn't listen to anything he had to say. He'd broken her trust long ago, when Sam had shown up saying they were married. Why did he expect her to believe anything he said?
He got back in the Camino and banged his head against the steering wheel, causing the horn to go off. "Fuck," he said, jerking away from the wheel. "Shit, shit, shit."
He'd just called attention to himself. If Jackie and Fez hadn't noticed his car, they would now. He looked up at them, but neither seemed to actually notice. He exhaled.
He groaned. He was pathetic, sitting in his car outside his ex-girlfriend's apartment that she shared with her new boyfriend at nearly midnight. Why did he think he still had a chance?
He turned on the radio, setting the volume relatively low. Thank You by Led Zeppelin was on, worsening Hyde's already terrible mood. He'd listened to this song thousands of times with Jackie. She'd always said that it would be their first dance at their wedding. He'd always said they weren't getting married. He hated being right.
He would never listen to this song with her again. It might be on while they were in the same room, but they would never actually listen to it while they were alone together again. He'd never get to hear her talk about their wedding.
It was then that the first tear fell.
Complications, things get in the way
Sweet sensation of knowing you are near and not too far
Hyde clearly wasn't thinking straight, because he actually let the tears keep falling. He wasn't sure he could stop them if he wanted to. He hadn't cried at all since he and Jackie broke up for good. He'd spent his emotional energy lashing out at her and being angry. He couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't bottle it up anymore.
He panicked when he caught sight of Jackie approaching his car. He frantically wiped his eyes, but to no avail. Each tear wiped away brought a new one. Jackie tapped on his window. He gave his eyes one last futile wipe and began to crank down the window.
He didn't look at her as he said quietly, "Hey."
"Why are you here?" she asked, hugging herself from the cold.
"I just wanted to-" He broke off as his voice cracked. "Fuck, I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"Everything. Nothing. I don't know anymore."
"Mhm." She brought her elbows to rest on the edge of the car window. "Why are you crying?"
He took a shaky breath in. Then he smiled a little, but it went as quickly as it came. "I finally realized I'm never gonna be able to love you fully again."
God, he really was pathetic. Crying in front of the girl he'd been hurting non-stop since she found out he was married to someone else and spewing his feelings to her. He wished he could just turn to dust and float away into space.
A few tears had fallen from Jackie's eyes. "And what does that mean?" she asked quietly.
"I, um… I was thinking a lot tonight. About all the things I'm never gonna be able to do with you again. Like stargaze or dance or talk or… anything, really. And I came to tell you that you deserve better than Fez. Better than me, too. But then I saw you up there with Fez and I saw that you replaced me."
"You replaced me first," she reminded him.
"Sam could never replace you. No one can. Believe me, I tried. Which sounds bad, but it's true."
Jackie frowned. "Did you want to replace me?"
"No. But I ruined everything, so I felt like I had to."
You and I, you and I, you and I,
Arrow through your heart
Catch a star
"You didn't have to," she said.
"I know." He stared resolutely at the steering wheel.
"And I didn't replace you with Fez. Just like I didn't replace Michael with you. I just moved on. Which, according to you, makes me a slut."
Shame washed over Hyde. "You're not a slut. I'm really sorry for all the shit I've said to you the past few months. I'm actually really surprised you're being this nice to me now."
She shrugged. "I have my reasons. It's not really your business right now." She tapped her fingers on the door. "Why'd you say those things to me? I never thought you could say things like that to me. You always got mad at Michael for saying things like that about me. Why'd you start doing it too?"
"I wanted to push you away. I wanted you to see that I wasn't good for you. I shouldn't have tried to do that. I shouldn't have done a lot of things. And I should have done a lot of things I didn't do."
She rested her chin on her crossed arms. "Like what?"
"I shouldn't have married Sam. I shouldn't have let her stay." He smiled. "I should have sent her back and begged for your forgiveness."
She smiled a little too. "You should've been on your knees at my feet, apologizing."
"Yeah. I shouldn't have treated you like shit. I should have tried to make our breakup at least peaceful. I shouldn't have let everyone else treat you like shit. Fuck, Jackie, you deserve so much better than all of us. You should've gone to Chicago and made better friends and found someone who was good for you."
Jackie tugged her bottom lip between her teeth. "I think you were good for me. Until the end, at least."
That made a new round of tears spring forth. Hyde just let them fall. "Sorry," he said, his voice shaky.
"You don't have to apologize for crying. It's normal. You're allowed to have feelings. Plus, I'd much rather have you crying than being angry at me."
"Do you really think I was good for you?"
Jackie smiled softly. "Yes. I loved you. I knew you loved me for a while. There were so many things I treasured about you. Your smile, your laugh, you. You had a way to balance me out. You made me think. You made me realize so much I never could have realized when I was Michael." She half-sobbed, half-laughed. "God, it hurt so bad when she came. The second before she showed up, it really felt like we were gonna work things out."
"I'm so sorry, Jackie. I really, really am. I didn't want her there. I didn't want to marry her. I don't know why I did. I shouldn't have gone to Las Vegas at all. I should've-" his voice cracked, and he started again, "I should've stayed with you."
"Yeah, you should've."
You and I, you and I, you and I,
Freeway through your heart
Catch a star
Hyde wiped his eyes again. He took a deep, shaky breath.
Jackie took her elbows off the window, but stayed standing next to the car. "I should probably head inside. It's late and cold."
Hyde nodded. He looked at her, knowing his next move could either ruin things even more or give him a glimmer of hope. "I love you. I just want you to know. I don't expect you to love me anymore. I just… I need you to know."
Jackie smiled ruefully. "Goodnight, Steven."
She leaned in through the window and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. She pulled back before he could register her lips near his. "By the way…" she said, "I hate your mustache."
"Me too," he said honestly.
"And I thought you quit smoking."
"I did. Then I started again today. Easier to start a new addiction when quitting an old one."
"What are you quitting?"
"Drinking."
"Good." She looked up at the sky. "You picked a good night to come out here. You can see Taurus really clearly."
Hyde smiled a little. "That's the bull, right?"
"Yeah." She sighed, then smiled softly. "Goodnight, Steven. For real this time."
"Goodnight, Jackie."
She walked away, but then he remembered something. He got out of his car quickly and caught up to her. "Jackie, wait."
She turned to him. "What?"
"I mean it when I say Fez isn't good for you. You're a beautiful person, on the inside and outside. You should be with someone who knows that. Someone who cares."
"Do you care? Lately it seems like you don't."
"I do care. But you can do better."
Jackie sighed and looked away from him. She crossed her arms over her chest. "Maybe I don't want to do better."
"What does that mean?"
She pressed a kiss to the other side of his mouth. "Shave your mustache and quit smoking. Then we can talk."
She disappeared inside the building before he could respond. He lightly touched his mouth where her lips had made contact. Then he walked back to his car and drove to the Formans'.
He went straight to the bathroom in the basement. He got his razor and shaved his mustache. Then he threw his pack of cigarettes away. He was going to be better. For Jackie, but also for himself.
He went back outside once he was finished. He looked up at the sky and picked out the shape of Taurus in the stars. He smiled. Maybe he could find a way back to Jackie's heart. If not, he always had the two years they'd spent together.
And he always had the comfort of knowing that his actions were insignificant in the grand scheme of the universe. Looking up at the great big bull in the sky reminded him of that.
