Silver Springs
You could be my silver spring
Blue-green colors flashin'
I would be your only dream
Your shinin' autumn ocean crashin'
Jackie pressed the button for the elevator and chewed her lip. She was a little shaken from seeing Steven cry. She'd never seen him cry before.
She'd kissed him twice. Her self-control seemed to slip through her fingers whenever he was around. Especially when he was letting down his walls and telling her he loved her. God, she would give anything to erase the past few months and go back to the way things were before he married someone else.
She often fantasized of some impossible future where she woke up and found out the past few months had been a dream. She would wake up in Steven's arms, in his room in the basement. He would kiss her softly, and life would go on as it had before.
When she came to terms with life being very real, she would turn to a fantasy of the future where Steven apologized and proposed to her. A future that had seemed just as impossible until tonight.
She got off the elevator and went to her apartment. Fez was sitting on the couch. "What did Hyde want?"
"He just came to tell me Eric's leaving soon. So, you know, we should go say goodbye at some point."
Lying to Fez didn't feel wrong. Not like lying to Steven had felt when they were dating.
"Oh, okay." He patted the spot next to him. "Sit with me?"
Jackie faked a yawn. "I'm actually pretty tired, so… I'm gonna head to bed. See you in the morning." She kissed his cheek quickly.
"Hold on, why do you smell like cigarettes?"
"Steven started smoking again. I guess the smell just rubbed off easily." She folded her arms across her chest. "Goodnight, Fez."
She closed the door behind her once she was in her bedroom. And then she started crying.
Don't say that she's pretty
And did you say that she loves you?
She curled into a ball on her bed, sobbing with her whole body but keeping silent so Fez wouldn't hear through the thin wall. God, these had been the worst months of her entire life. She had never felt so worthless.
And it was mostly because of Steven, she knew that. He'd married someone else, refused to send that woman away, treated Jackie like garbage and encouraged their other friends to do the same. Now here he was, crying and apologizing.
She didn't know if she could forgive him.
A sob wracked through her whole body and she barely muffled it with her hand. She wasn't sure if she could forgive the man she'd loved most in the world. The man she still loved, if she was honest with herself.
How could she still love him after all this? How could he still love her?
She thought she'd always be able to forgive him no matter what. But now she questioned that. She had to put herself first. She wouldn't endure more horrible treatment just to be with a man she loved. She wouldn't go through these past months again. She couldn't.
Maybe she could get over him. She just needed a little more time. She could move away, forget about him and move on. He'd basically told her to do that tonight. She could do better.
So I'll begin not to love you
Turn around, you'll see me runnin'
I'll say I loved you years ago
And tell myself you never loved me
New tears sprung from the thought, but she continued it anyway. She would move away, maybe to Chicago or even Los Angeles or somewhere glamorous like that. She would think of Steven as any other ex, just a boy she cared for and moved on from. Like Michael. And soon, Fez.
Fez would easily become just another ex. She cared for him, but she didn't love him. She never would. He was much better off as a friend.
Steven, though, was not just another ex and she would be foolish to think of him any other way. She'd really, genuinely believed they would spend the rest of their lives together. That belief had been crushed time and time again.
And yet, here it was again, like a persistent flower popping up in a trampled garden. He loved her still. She loved him. Why couldn't she allow herself a glimmer of hope that they might work things out?
Because things had never worked out for them before. He always had a way to ruin it. He always had a way.
She grabbed a handful of tissues from her nightstand and attempted to dry her tears. But each tear wiped away was replaced with a new one. It would be so much easier if Steven hadn't loved her at all. If she had never heard those three words come out of his mouth even once. If she had just let it end after that first summer.
Letting it end after just one summer would have been impossible. She had wanted more of him. He was intoxicating. His touch, his scent, his respect for her body and boundaries. He was like a drug she couldn't quite get out of her system. He found his addictions in drugs and alcohol, she found her addiction in him. Only she didn't want to quit.
And that was why she didn't want to do better.
And can you tell me was it worth it?
Baby, I don't want to know
She heard Fez go into his room and close the door. Once she felt sure he was asleep, she grabbed her newly purchased walkman and a tape Steven had made her about a year ago. Then she left her room, crept to the door, and exited the apartment. She made her way back up to the roof, the stars sparkling overhead.
Jackie laid on her back on the roof and put her headphones on. She pressed play on the tape. Bob Dylan's grating voice assaulted her, but she was willing to brave it for this particular song. It was her song, she felt.
She wasn't sure what Steven's intentions were when he put this song on the tape. It was probably meaningless, just a song he enjoyed and wanted her to listen to. She'd put songs like that on mixtapes for him. But he never did stuff like that. There was always meaning with him. Nothing was ever trivial with his gifts to her.
She listened to every word until finally it got to the part that had been tugging at her heart the past few months.
"Ain't it hard when you discovered that… He really wasn't where it's at.. After he took from you everything he could steal… How does it feel? How does it feel? To be on your own…"
She let the song go on, but she was only half-listening to the rest of it. Her thoughts were taking over.
Steven had taken from her everything he could steal. And now it seemed like he was trying to give it back. He'd always been a thief. What would stop him from stealing from her?
And now she was alone, with only the stars. Her only consistent companions were hundreds, thousands, and millions of light years away. She was so terribly lonely.
Why did she feel so lonely and terrible about herself when Steven was extending apologies and olive branches? When he was finally coming around and seeing his faults? Why did she feel so hopeless when he had given her reason to hope?
Because he had stolen everything from her, including her belief in him.
I know I could have loved you
But you would not let me
The song changed. Now it was Love You by Syd Barrett. She couldn't help but giggle, despite how horrible she was feeling. Steven would- when he was feeling playful and they were alone- sing along to this song and do silly dance moves with her. They always ended up laughing uncontrollably with each other.
Moments like those couldn't be faked, especially not by Steven. Those moments were so very real and meaningful. Their two years together had not been meaningless or fake or a waste. They were two years of real love. And that was reason for hope.
Steven had never been good at accepting affection from others. He'd gotten better at it with Jackie, but he'd never gotten fully used to it. He always felt that need to protect himself. Protecting himself usually hurt her in the process. They had to find a way for him to feel safe and for her to not get hurt. That seemed an impossible feat, but Jackie was willing to find some kind of solution.
The love she'd found with him was worth the work. It was worth the pain, if he was willing to truly make up for what he'd done.
She just wanted to be able to love him again. His words from earlier rang in her head: "I finally realized I'm never gonna be able to love you fully again."
There was so much information she was missing from him. Did he want to love her fully again? Probably, since he had been crying about it. Did he believe he was past forgiveness? Did she believe he was past forgiveness?
If she was honest with herself, she did not believe he was past forgiveness. In fact, she believed he had a pretty good chance. Maybe that made her weak, susceptible to pain, but she didn't care. She saw the good in him, the good he didn't see in himself. And that made her willing to forgive, if he was willing to apologize.
I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you
Give me just a chance
You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you
Jackie took a deep breath. She felt hopeful now. If Steven was planning to own up to his mistakes and make it up to her, she was willing to give him a chance. Maybe it made her foolish, maybe it made her weak, but she loved him more than she'd ever loved anyone. And more than anything, she wanted to be with him.
She wanted him to love her fully again.
If she got hurt again, she didn't know what she'd do. Spiral into self-hatred, probably. Maybe run away. Hopefully it wouldn't come to that. Or maybe she could find a way to protect herself from getting hurt again. A way that didn't hurt Steven either.
She needed a plan. She turned off the tape on her walkman and took the headphones off. She stared up at the stars as she worked out the steps.
Step one, she'd break up with Fez. That would be pretty easy. Being in a relationship with him wasn't… super enjoyable. She'd break up with him tomorrow.
Step two, she'd see if Steven had shaved his mustache and quit smoking. And that he still planned to quit drinking. If he had, she'd move on to step three.
Step three, she and Steven would talk things out. She'd get all the answers she needed. She'd find a way to rekindle something between them, a method he was willing to follow. Something that would allow them to fall in love again, because Jackie had no doubt that would happen.
The Steven she fell for was still in there, somewhere beneath the horrible, stripper-marrying Steven that had been around the past few months. Her Steven had shown through tonight, crying in his car and being open with her. She wanted that Steven, because that Steven wouldn't hurt her.
Step four, she and Steven would be happy together again.
Step four was just a hope, a wish, a prayer even, but it wasn't impossible. Jackie didn't believe in fate anymore. She used to, and then she decided she didn't like the thought of her future being predetermined and out of her control, so she took things into her own hands. And if Jackie was the one controlling her own future, she had faith that she'd be happy in that future. And that Steven could be a part of that future.
She smiled up at the night sky. She was not hopeless. She controlled her future. She had faith. She felt hopeful.
She was hopeful enough that she felt like she could reach up and catch a star from the night sky. After all, the stars were her only consistent companions. Why not catch one and keep it close to her?
