HI OMG SORRY!
*Insert horrendous excuse here*
I really do not know what im doing with this story so chapters are gonna be very varied and that with no upload schedule.
Also in my final month of uni so a lot of work to be done! ahhhhhh!
Also this started from one of my modules last semester and I got the grade back for that essay and got a 2:1 (if you don't understand the UK uni grading that's a good thing!)
but yeah sorry again, any and all mistakes are mine - many apologies.
lemme know what you think,
enjoy?
Vx
The first hour of the shift dragged on slowly, not much to do until a call came in, everyone bantering and finishing off their paperwork.
"Get home ok last night bro?" Adam asked Jay, leaning over Haileys empty desk.
"Yeah, all good. Why?" Jay asked, hiding his panic. He knew how drunk he had gotten in front of his colleagues, something he never did - but thought he had managed to hide it well.
"Just asking, we left before you guys did. Have a good night though?" he ended with a chuckle, noting the paleness to Jay's skin, prominent eye bags and catching a glimpse at a bruise on his neck. However, he just brushed it off as a hickey, both not seeing more of the bruise and knowing how private his team mate liked to keep his personal life.
"Yeah. Was nice to get Sam out with you guys again, Will enjoyed it too." Jay said with a nod, indicating he wanted the conversation to end.
"Alright man." Adam said, backing off.
'Fuck' Jay thought.
He knew he was now being watched, his body language had been catching the eyes of the officers and detective in the room all morning. Self consciously, he pulled the collar of his hoodie higher up his neck, sighing, knowing he needed to get the attention off of himself.
So raising his voice slightly, he turned back to Adam, winking and saying "what about you man, good night?" tilting his head toward the break room where he knew Kim was standing with Hailey, getting a new cup of coffee. His response was a laugh from Kevin, and a blush alongside a "shut up" from Adam. This caused a smile to grow on Jay's face, a laugh bubbling up as Voight emerged from his office, cutting the 'locker room' banter short.
"We got a body and a hostage situation. Everyone gear up, Halstead grab your rifle."
The unit rushed out of the office, down to the roll up to gear up and head out.
Arriving at the location, Jay made his way into the building across from the room the offender was holding the hostages in. He found his best vantage point and went through his checks, setting his line of sight up, checking for any other angles should things change and setting his radio to his side, "in position."
Voight goes in as the negotiator, trying to defuse the situation. Jay, however, can see it going south - quickly.
"Sarge, I've got a shot."
"Hold, Halstead" Voight manages to reply, the offender having looked away for the moment.
Jay could see the number of ways this situation could go wrong, he could see how they could all avoid all of this but knew there was nothing he could do until he got the go ahead from his sergeant.
It felt like time was dragging on, or that time had stopped. He didn't know how long he had sat perched looking through the scope of his rifle, time meant nothing in this moment. He was alone with his thoughts, his breathing. This was never usually a problem, he was able to switch his thoughts off easily, revert back to his training from the Rangers. Today however, everything felt different. He couldn't tell if it was because of the events of last night, the lingering aches and pains, the slight hangover or the recurring struggle to breathe, but something was off.
'Don't you love me'
Jay outwardly flinched at that, his face pulling a grimace as his neck twinged, a headache forming behind his eyes. He pulled himself away from his rifle for a second. But that's all it took for everything to go wrong. The minor change in his position shifted his barrel not even half a inch, but that was half an inch too much, the suspect caught a glimpse as the sunshine reflected off the tip of Jay's sniper rifle and in a split second pulled the young girl towards him so they swapped places, at the same time that Voight shouted into the radio for Jay to fire, his bullet going straight through the little girl.
The scene stilled. Jay lost control of all his senses: his hearing abandoned him for a staticy wailing, his vision blurred, his breath left him. He watched through the scope of his rifle as the little girl dropped to the ground, blood pooling around her. He saw his team and swat rush the room to arrest the offender in his distracted state.
He doesn't know how long he sat watching the scene unfold, doesn't know how long it was before his hearing returned to him. It wasn't until there was a light and gentle hand pushing weight on to his shoulder did he come back to earth.
"-ay?"
"Hey Jay? You good partner?"
Hailey. It was Hailey, his brain supplied.
"We've got to go, Voight wants us all back in the district. Pack up your stuff, I'll be in the truck." she said gently, patting him on the back, knowing he liked to be left alone in these situations.
Jay dismantled his rifle, packed everything up into the case and grabbed his radio and jacket before heading down the stairs to his truck. He didn't even fight or argue when he saw Hailey sat in the driver's seat, just placed his gun in the back and climbed in, leaning subdued against the door, looking and feeling like he wanted to run.
The drive back to the district felt both too long and too quick, the silence in the car both suffocating and refreshing. Jay was lucky enough that Hailey knew not to offer condolences to him in situations like this, he needed straight facts, straight faces and someone to help keep him out of his head.
"You want to talk to me about what happened back there?" Hailey started, turning the truck off and turning to face him.
Jay took a deep breath but stayed silent.
"Alright then, want to tell me what had you so off this morning?"
"Hailey. Drop it, I'm fine." Jay replied, short and snappy.
He turned to get out of the truck to find Hailey had locked the doors, effectively trapping him in.
"No. You don't get to brush this off. Any of it. It didn't work last time and it sure won't this time either!"
He just huffed, facing forward, avoiding looking at her.
"Jay, come on. Talk to me, please. I know this is going to trigger some memories, you shouldn't be alone."
"I'm not alone" he cut in quickly.
"Right yeah, you've got Sam."
Jay turned to look at her then, hearing the tone change when she said his boyfriend's name.
"What was that?"
"What was what?" she said, shrugging.
"Why did you say his name like that? You got a problem with him?" Jay asked, getting defensive.
"Yeah, actually but that's a conversation for another day."
"What the hell, Hailey! You keep pushing, trying to get me to open up and when I tell you that I have someone at home waiting who I can talk to you get all weird. And now you won't even tell me why. How is that fair?" Jay could feel his anxiety and anger rising, his breathing picking up.
Jay ran a hand through his hair and across his face, trying to calm himself down, this argument was not what he needed right now.
"What's that on your neck Jay?"
It felt as if his breath had been punched out of him, startled as he turned to his partner.
"What? Nothing"
"oh, come on Jay! That's not nothing, that wraps around your neck! Is this why you were so spacey this morning? What happened?" Hailey tried, lowering her tone, trying not to spook him.
"I've got it handled! Just drop it, Hailey!" he yells out, not missing the hurt look on her face.
"Open the damn doors" he spits at her, leaping out the second he hears the click of the lock.
He knew the rest of the unit was already back in the bullpen, he knew he needed to calm down before he went upstairs but his brain could connect properly to form the thoughts to even begin the process of breathing and calming down. He storms through the roll up, slamming the door in the process, makes it to the gate, swinging it open once his code works and runs up the stairs. Only to be stopped in his tracks as hands grab the front of his shirt and slam him into the nearest wall.
"Woah!"
"Sarge!"
"Voight!"
"Hey guys calm down!"
The protests from the unit echoed in chorus as Voight shoved Jay up against the wall near the top of the stairs, his hands curled into fists around his collar, "What the fuck was that Halstead?!" he seethed in his face. Jay tried to hide the flinch as his head collided with the wall.
"Answer me! How cou-"
"Hank!" Trudy Platt cut his yelling off with a stern shout.
"Move it to your office, now! My district is not a place for your soap opera so move it from the top of the stairs or so help me." She finished, turning on her heel and heading back downstairs.
"Halstead. My office. Now."
Once in the office with the door shut behind them and the blinds closed, Voight wasted no time in standing on his side of the desk and staring the younger man down. Jay, to his credit, remained silent, stood in parade rest, head bowed.
"Any explanations for what happened out there? How did you miss? How did you manage to get the shot so wrong? What is going on, Jay?" Voight pushed, Jay did not respond.
"Well?" he yelled out again, noting the slight jump and flinch his subordinate tried to hide.
"I don't know Sarge." he replied, head still bowed, posture still tense, "I was lined up perfectly, I could see it going south so tried to warn you but I don't know the guy must have gotten spooked by something because when you told me to take the shot he moved the girl but by then it was already too late." he rushed out.
'Oh god. I can't. I killed another kid. I can't carry another kid,' he thought.
"Jay. Halstead, look at me."
Jay looked up, still not meeting his sergeant's eye.
"Take the rest of the day, wait till the shooting team clears you and get some sleep. We'll finish this conversation later."
"What? No, Sarge, I can't just leave."
"You can and you will. Go home Halstead."
Jay's gaze returned to the floor, his breathing had picked up again as he shook his head, and noticed the shaking of his hands. He ran his fingers through his hair, tugging on the strands to try and ground himself.
"Sarge please." he tried to beg.
"No Jay. You have to wait till the shooting team clears you. Nothing I can do about that, but you also need some sleep. I can see you getting tired and sloppy and not only does that affect you and your performance as a detective but it also affects the team and I can't have anyone else hurt out there because one of my guys was falling down a hole and not accepting the help being offered to him."
"Bu-"
"No Jay. Go home."
Jay shook his head again, choking on a sob as he tried to keep his emotions at bay. He rushed out of the office and down the back stairs before hopping into his truck and speeding away for home.
He doesn't remember parking, unlocking his front door, or getting in the shower but what he does remember is Sam pulling him up off the floor, eyes glassy face coated in tears as he was wrapped in a towel and placed in the bedroom before a glass of water was handed to him.
"Hey babe? What's wrong? What happened? Are you ok?" Sam tried to ask, voice soft, gentle and caring. Which didn't help Jay's mood. He started crying again.
"I - I - ju-just want it to stop. I keep messing up and I can't" he choked on another sob.
"Can't what Jay?" Sam sounded scared, not knowing where his boyfriend was going with this.
"I can't carry another kid." Jay whispered out, voice devoid of emotion.
"Oh babe," Sam breathed out, still drying Jay off and trying to get him into some clean sweats.
"I know what will help. Just wait here ok."
Jay didn't even respond, he didn't see or feel Sam letting go of him and leaving the room, only clocking he came back when a hand was placed on the side of his face and a palm outstretched in front of him. He looked up, confusion coating his face.
"It'll help take the pain away. Make it hurt less. Might help you get some sleep." Sam offered as the only explanation before handing over two of the small white pills with the discarded glass of water. Jay swallowed the pills and allowed himself to be pushed to lying on the bed, a blissful darkness and numbness filling his senses.
'Don't you love me?'
'What's that on your neck?'
'How did you get it so wrong?'
'I killed another kid'
'Go home'
'I know what will help'
All the yelling, the voices, the words circling, echoing around his head faded to illegible mumbling as he let a sigh escape his lips, letting the numbness take hold.
