hi I know excuses excuses!

a lot has been going on but im almost finished my dissertation and then have nothing else to focus on so should be good from here...

just a small trigger warning for dubious consent and drug use

love you guys,

lemme know what you think, enjoy?

Vx

They had all seen their sergeant throw their colleague against the wall, watched as he stormed into his office and called out to the other. Watched as Jay stood with his head bowed, standing stiff to then shifting in place and pleading with almost his full body before turning and storming out the back to what they assumed was his truck.

That was three days ago.

Jay hasn't been back to the district since. None of them had heard from him either. Voight had been his usual shut off self, very short tempered and quiet. Luckily for the unit there hadn't been a case assigned to them that was in dire need of their help, letting them focus on their worry for their missing teammate and the mountains of paperwork that seemed to appear overnight. Voight had been in his office all day and the unit was starting to get restless.

"What are we going to do?" Adam spoke up, hating the silence in the room.

"What do you mean Ruz?" Kevin asked, turning his chair to seek clarification, "Because there's a lot going on so what one are you on about?"

"About Jay man! Anyone else noticed how off he's been lately?"

"Yeah, he seemed extra closed off the other day on the way back from the scene. But that may have something to do with what went down." Hailey chimed in.

"What did he say?" Kim asked.

"He just was quiet and then got mad when I tried to get him to talk." Hailey shrugged, playing the conversation over in her head to see what went wrong.

"Did anyone else notice how different it was at Mollys the other day when Sam was there? Like I get acting one way with your boyfriend and then another way with your friends/colleagues but, I've never seen Jay like that before." Adam offered up again.

Everyone hummed in agreement, nodding to themselves, trying to figure out what was happening to and with their friend.

Before they could get any further, Voight came out of his office to send everyone home for the night. As everyone was packing up their things, he called out to get someone to contact Will to get him to come in for a bit. Which had everyone looking at each other, worried glances shared between them all.

They all planned to meet up at Hailey's place later on, once Will was done with Voight, to see if they could come up with a plan to help Jay out without seeming like they were bombarding him.

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Will found himself sitting in his brother's sergeant's office. Not for the first time he must add. He could tell the man was worried, he had come to learn the difference in his (similar) facial expressions but couldn't figure out what his brother had done this time.

"Sergeant Voight, I'm sorry but why am I here?" he had to ask, and had to break the silence.

"Have you heard from Jay lately?" his gruff voice rang out.

Will felt his heart stop.

"No. Why? Voight what happened?" he asked, panicked.

"He had a bad call; it went south, and he hasn't been in since then. That was three days ago."

'oh god' Will thought. He felt his breath catch in his throat, "what do you mean it went south?"

Voight sighed, he knew he had to give Will the details so that he could both offer insight or help out personally.

"So, there was a hostage situation, Halstead was up top with his rifle as a last resort. It went sideways and the kid was shot instead of the offender." He said in short, knowing there was no need for sugar coating anything.

"Oh god!" Will breathed out, rubbing a hand over his forehead, knowing what this meant.

"Will, hey look at me." Voight said, needing to mention something else, "is everything alright with him? Is Mouse doing alright over there? No anniversaries coming up?"

Will took a moment to run over everything he knew of in his head, "not that I can think of Sarge. Last I heard from Mouse was that he was getting leave and to not tell Jay. And he's not acting how he usually does around anniversaries; I mean I haven't seen him since the bar, but he seemed ok with Sam." He added, not knowing how much his brother's boss knew about his relationship.

"Hmm" was all the sergeant said.

Will was confused, "hmm? Why hmm?"

"Will. What's Sam like? Halstead hasn't mentioned him much."

"Oh, you know Jay, keeps things to himself. Especially relationships. I don't know much really; he doesn't talk about him much. I know they met when he was in a rough patch, but I think he helped him through that, after Camilla and all." He shrugged.

"Has he been having nightmares again?" Voight asked, having had this conversation with the elder Halstead brother at least once a year since they met. Always with Jay's best interests at heart.

"Again, I don't know. He's been living with Sam for a while now and Sam's about as stubborn as Jay is. He won't reach out for help until its literally the definition of life threatening. I tried to offer help the other night when we were out, but he just got all snappy."

"Jay or Sam?" Voight cut in.

"Sam. Jay had been drinking more than he usually would while in Mollys and with the unit around. I obviously got worried and asked if he needed a hand and Sam just short of bit my head off." Will sighed, shaking his head, not knowing why he was relaying the night to the older man but here he was.

"Jay was quite quiet the whole night, Sam kept handing him whiskeys as he stayed silent and drinking them. When it was just the three of us, Jay was just playing with his full glass. God, he looked like a little kid again, just waiting for someone to tell him it was time to go. They left and Stella Kid pulled me and told me to keep an eye on Sam, saying she had 'seen too many guys like Sam in her time'. What does that all mean, Hank you have to know something?" Will said, voice getting quieter and sadder as he went on.

Voight swore under his breath, shaking his head he sat down on the chair in front of the desk. Looking over at Will who was leaning forward and had his elbows on his knees on the cough in the office, he was wondering how to voice what he could sense had happened.

So, he started with something Will had handled before.

"Will. When was the last time Jay used? When was his last relapse?"

"Um, I think he had a small one after dad died, maybe after the Angela fiasco, especially if he was given pain meds. I know it took a bit to get him back after that one. Why, what are you thinking?"

"He shot another kid, Will. He hasn't been seen in three days. And with what you told me about the other night, I'm not too sure on Sam having his best, sober, interests in mind."

"What? You think he's gone on a bender?"

"I heard him whispering to himself when I dragged him into the office and laced into him the other day, he was saying 'I can't carry another kid'. I'm sorry Will but I think it's going to be a tough one this time round, especially if I'm right about Sam."

"So, what are we going to do?" Will asked, wanting his brother back home, in the bullpen or the cage if it comes to it.

The two men spent the better part of two hours concocting a plan to find Jay then sort out whatever was happening with Sam and sober him up if needed.

Once they were done, Will was told to go to Hailey's to meet up with the rest of the unit to fill them in but not give them all the information, and to meet back in the bullpen the next day with everyone to start.

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Jay was sitting on the floor of his shower, water cascading over him. He couldn't tell what temperature the water was, not really caring, letting the buzz of his most recent high wash over him.

He had been in the bathroom for about twenty minutes now, Sam came to stand in the doorway to help.

"Hey Jay. Want to get up? The waters got to be cold now." He said with a soft tone.

When he didn't get a response, he walked over with a towel to see him sat in his boxers, knees to his chest, hands in his hair.

"Come on baby, time to get out." Jay looked up when he felt the water turn off. Lidded and cloudy eyes stared up at his boyfriend.

"Sam." Was all he said, it came out as a sigh, before he let himself be pulled out of the bathroom and sat on their bed with a bottle of beer.

"Hey baby. How are you holding up?" Sam asked, running his own fingers through Jay's hair, who hummed and leaned into the touch.

Over the years Sam had learned that Jay always calmed at the sensation of someone rubbing his head, running their fingers through his hair, and playing with his scalp. Sam had also learned that when drinking and using, that Jay either got cuddly or pulled away from people all together. This time round, Jay had leant into the cuddly side, spending his days blissfully high with his boyfriend by his side. Jay had noticed that Sam hadn't gotten angry or mad with him in three days, not since he had come home that day with a heavy heart and taken the pills offered to him.

He hadn't meant to break his sobriety or not come down for a few days, but he couldn't see what was wrong with it. He wasn't sad, his boyfriend wasn't mad, he wasn't hurting anyone. He didn't know where his phone was, so didn't know people had been trying to reach him, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. He just wanted everything to stop.

Not only had he started using again; but his nightmares had also come back with a vengeance. He hadn't slept more than two hours a night and had been staring off at nothing as his mind flashed back through memories he would rather forget.

"Hey baby, I know you don't feel like talking right now but I need an answer. Are you ok? How are you feeling?"

Jay just shrugged, not really knowing.

"Use your words, Jay." Sam commanded, Jay flinching slightly.

"I – fuzzy. I just want it to stop."

"I know, baby. What happened today? What are you seeing?" Sam asked, as he had every day, knowing Jay was going through flashbacks. He needed to know what he was dealing with, especially if it would mean dealing with Jay potentially becoming violent.

"Mouse, the desert" was all he said. Sam knew this meant Afghanistan, their second tour. He braced himself.

"You're not there, remember. Not anymore. Mouse isn't here, you've got me now, ok? You don't need him." Sam told him, still standing over Jay, running his fingers through his hair.

"Yeah," Jay breathed out, a small smile coming to his face. The edges of his vision were starting to clear, he knew his high was wearing off and he would soon feel everything he was trying to avoid again. Wanting to chase the high, be numb and just shut off for a while, Jay leant up into Sam, pulling him in by the waistband of his sweatpants.

"Oh ok." Sam said with a smirk.

Jay knew by now what made Sam happy with him, what made him calm and likely to help him. So, he gave it to him, he let Sam do with him as he pleased all for another of those small white pills.

Now he knew he could just go to the closest corner and score, but he couldn't tell what would be more humiliating; letting his boyfriend use his as he wanted for a fix or get caught out by a dealer or banger who knows his face. This would also mean leaving the comfort of his apartment and he couldn't find a shred of him that wanted to do that.

Taking the next pill with a swig of beer as he sat on the floor of his living room, staring out of their floor to ceiling window, legs curled up to his chest, Jay couldn't help but look up at the moon. He missed Mouse. That's all he knew at this moment, things hurt, and he missed Mouse.

This was something they used to do when they got back from overseas; when one of them was having a rough day, they would sit at the window or on the roof of their apartment building and talk about what was swimming through their heads. That or sitting in silence, knowing the other was there was enough at times.

'God' Jay thought, 'what I would give to sit with him right now'

He hoped he was doing ok, wherever he was over there, hoped he was still going, with his head on straight. Jay scoffed to himself and shook his head, mutely laughing at the fact he was sat there drunk and high – the exact place he and Mouse had dragged each other from on too many occasions.

There's the ever-pressing feeling of guilt pushing against his chest every time he tries to take a deep breath.

Deep down he knew that what happened was not his fault, that the suspect wasn't going to go down without a fight but that still didn't mean that he should have let his head wander like that. He was trained for situations like that, trained to clear his mind and focus on the task at hand. So why in the hell did he let his mind wander like that.

'don't you love me?'

He flinched. Choking on a sob, he curled further into himself.

Things had been going alright with Sam, until about an hour ago. He had found himself stuck in another flashback, needing to find Mouse but just sitting in silence, staring at the tv screen as Sam watched one of his shows. Jay's head was in his lap, he had moaned quietly and turned his head further into the legs below him.

"What was that baby?"

"Mouse."

"Are you fucking kidding me right now." Sam yelled, shoving Jay off him.

Jay was confused, he hadn't known where he was, coming off a high, before he knew it, he was on the floor, his boyfriend yelling at him.

"What? I don-"

"You just mumbled another guy's name into my dick. What were you thinking about?"

"I don't? I couldn't find- "

"another excuse? Come on Jay, you know I hate those."

Jay just looked down to the floor, biting his bottom lip. Sam saw the slight submission and grabbed his chin, "look at me when I'm talking to you. We talked about this, I don't want to hear that name coming out of your mouth, especially not in this house and especially NOT when your face is that close to my dick." He almost yelled, keeping his tone stern.

"I'm sorry, I didn't – I wasn't" Jay tried to argue his case but found that he could quite connect his thoughts, brain still too mumbled from the come down and flashback.

"Exactly, you weren't. I'm going to bed; I'll see you later." Sam said before storming off to the bedroom, but not before leaving the baggie of pills on the coffee table, knowing Jay would see them.

So that's how Jay found himself staring up at the moon, letting his newest high wash over him, praying that Mouse was looking up too.

"Love you bud." He whispered to himself, taking another swig and leaning his head against the cool of the glass.