Hi hello.
I know I know! IM SO SORRY! hopefully this chapter makes up for the horrendous wait.
I promise im going to try to do better...
Please do let me know what you think of this chapter, no beta - lemme know if there's any mistakes lmao,
enjoy?
Ive missed writing and missed y'all...
love ya
Vx
Sam looked over the room to Jay sitting asleep on the floor against the window, he knew he had to get him up and about, his team or brother was sure to come knocking soon.
"Hey baby," he said, crouching next to the man, "time to wake up and get a shower ok."
Jay stirred, flinching out of the hands that were rubbing his shoulders, hitting his head off the window in the process.
"Ow" he mumbled, hearing snickering in front of him, he opened his eyes.
"Sam?"
"Jay."
"What's going on? What day - wh - where?" Jay said, all of his highs running out leaving him confused and disoriented.
"Shhh, hey baby. Calm down, ok. You're okay. You're at home, it's Thursday. Voight gave you some time off after that last case. But it's ok, you've been a bit tired and out of it so I've just been waiting for you to come to me. But it's totally on your terms. Just talk to me."
Jay felt more confused, he hadn't heard this tone come from Sam in a while, he sounded concerned. Jay's heart warmed and sank at this, not knowing how to react, not having much recall of the past few day's, nothing seemed to hurt other than his head.
"Ow." he managed to mumble again.
"What hurts baby?"
"Head"
"That's okay, you hit your head pretty hard on the window just now. How about we get you up, in the shower then you can take something for that head."
"Okay, yeah."
Sam took Jay's shaking hands in his own and helped lever him up from the ground and stabilise him, before leading him to the shower.
Standing under the warm stream, Jay tried to think back on the past few days, he knows a case went bad, knows he came home for a drink but from there, nothing. Just blank. He has that familiar itch under his skin so he knows he relapsed, knows now that he most likely spent the past few days in a constant high.
'Oh god!' Jay thought, 'what did I do, what did I say?'
His mind keeps drawing a blank and he doesn't know if the unit knows, or if he's seen or spoken to them, and what did he say if he did?
Quickly stepping out of the shower, he hastily wraps a towel around his waist, ignoring the bruises, and rushes out to Sam sitting on the bed.
"Sam! What the hell. What did I take , how long. The unit, my JOB! SAM, talk to me!" Jay yelled in a panic.
His boyfriend raised a brow in question, "um, who do you think you're yelling at?"
"I'm sorry ok, I just - I need to know what happened ok."
"Say that next time, there is no need to yell. You know how I feel about that."
"I know, I know." Jay tried to hold back a scoff.
"What was that?"
"Nothing" Jay replied, rooting through his drawers for something to wear. Pulling up the jeans, he started rummaging around his bedside table, pulling the draws open and closed.
"What now?" Sam called over, shortly.
"Where's my phone?"
"Your what?" Sam asked, innocently.
"My phone. You know the thing you call and text people on?"
"Less of the attitude" Sam said standing up in a hurry.
"I need my phone Sam. Will is probably worried sick and Voight's probably pissed to hell."
"No, what you needed was to calm down, go through the motions and stay here with me."
"Sam you can't just hand me pills and take my phone away, I have a job to do, come on man."
"I'm sorry but you seemed pretty content with the pills, it was the calmest I've seen you in months. You took them, no complaints, and even unlocked the liquor cabinet all on your own. I gave you them the first night, you kept asking for them."
Jay stumbled back in shock, as if he had been slapped.
"You can't put this on me. You know I - You know my history with oxy. Why would you give me them in the first place?"
"Because you needed to chill out. You came here all down and on one and you needed to take the night off. You're so uptight Jay, just chill for once."
"I can't! You know I can't! It's never just one night - I know this - we know this - YOU know this. Sam I can't just take a night off and 'chill out', I can't go back there, I'd lose my job, I could go to jail." Jay let out an annoyed yell, "Where's my phone Sam?!" He yelled out.
Sam stiffened, glaring straight at Jay, his breathing quick and heavy.
'Shit,' Jay thought.
Sam stalked toward him, grabbing him by the throat and pushing him till his back was against a wall, squeezing.
"What did I say about the yelling?" He seethed.
Jay tried to fight for air, the hand around his neck making that difficult.
"I - I - Sam." He managed to push out.
Sam laughed, slapping him across the face, "that didn't sound like an apology."
Jay started shaking, mind going blank at what to do here. Sam slammed his head against the wall going to hit him again when a knock at the front door interrupted them. Sam went to ignore it, putting a hand over Jay's mouth, bringing a finger to his own lips miming for him to stay quiet.
The knock came again.
Followed by a voice.
"Jay? Hey man you in there?"
Silence.
Will knocked on the door again.
"Hey look we're all worried about you, just let me know you're ok?"
Will sighed, leaning his forehead against the wood of the apartment door. He knew his little brother was in there, he hadn't answered any of his calls or texts. Will knew what happened, he knew that Jay wasn't too good after the case. He knows how his brother gets after a case goes sideways like this, but the fact he hasn't had any contact for a few days gives him cause for concern.
Hitting the door harder he calls out again, "Jay, come on brother. Open up."
Sam was getting angrier the longer Will stayed banging the door.
"Get in the bathroom and turn the shower on. Now. Stay quiet." He seethed, pushing Jay back towards the en suite. Jay did nothing but try to catch his breath and nod as he made his way back to where he came from.
Once Sam heard the shower turn back on, Jay turned on a playlist to add extra noise to the bathroom, he turned and pulled the door to the bedroom closed for extra measure.
Taking a breath, he opened the door to a pissed off and shaking Will.
"Hey Will, what's up?"
"What's up?" Will scoffed, "what's up? You're kidding right?"
Sam shrugged.
"Where is he?"
"Who?"
"Don't mess with me right now Sam, where's Jay?"
"He's in the shower, calm down. He woke up with a nightmare and needed to take a shower. He's been in there a little while, but he must need it." Sam replied, calmly.
"Ok. Could you move? I need to see him." Will said, annoyed.
"Did you not just hear me? I said he's in the shower. As close as you both are I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate you walking in on him in there, boundaries man." Sam finished, chuckling slightly.
"I don't care. Move." Will said, his tone firm.
Both men stepped into the other's space, about to say something they should regret before a shout broke them apart.
"Hey! What the hell is going on here. What the fuck are you guys doing?" Jay yelled out, scared and concerned.
"He just shoved his way in here then threatened to hurt me, I told him you were in the shower after a nightmare but he didn't listen. Then he got all angry and started coming toward me." Sam said, his voice small and almost scared sounding.
Will looked incredulous. Jaw slack and eyes wide.
"What? Jay, you don't seriously believe that?" Silence, "I came here to see if you we're alright, especially after that last case and -"
"What" Jay cut him off, startled. "How do you know what happened?"
"Voight called me in, to see if I had spoken to or seen you as he hadn't and he was getting worried. As were all of us, you went radio silent on us Jay."
Jay was surprised, needing to think of something and quick.
"Oh. Um - I uh - I took a few days off to keep my head straight and I broke my phone on a run the other day and haven't gotten round to getting it sorted. Sorry Will. As shit as I feel about that case, spending a few days with Sam has been nice." Jay said, slowly, looking at Sam, hoping he said the right thing. His eyes not meeting Wills.
The brothers studied each other for a moment, willing the other to crack or back down. Neither did, but Sam stepped in before anything could happen anyways.
"Hey Will, we were just about to head to bed, Jay's been pretty tired lately and hasn't been sleeping well so we were going to try for an early night, if you don't mind." he said, gesturing to the door.
Will looked over to Jay, brow raised, to find him looking ashamed and down to the floor.
"Jay?" he tried.
Jay just shrugged, "yeah man I'll call you tomorrow or something."
"Alright, okay, I can take a hint." he laughed it off "assuming I interrupted something, um - enjoy?" he said backing out of the apartment. As soon as the door closed behind him however, he was dialing Voight's number, answering the gruff 'hello' with a hurried "somethings wrong and I think Jay needs your help."
Jay's heart dropped with the click of the door. He honestly thought his brother would see through it, his and Sams' lies or try and get him out the house - especially if he knew about the case - but evidently his hopes were once again too high.
Jay's heart stopped when Sam turned back round the corner and stopped in his tracks to stare Jay down.
"Look Sam I-" he tried before being cut off.
"Just shut up." he snapped, Jay slightly flinching.
They stood there for a few minutes, Jay's mind overworking, Sam taking calculated and regulated breaths.
When Jay thought he would collapse from the impending anxiety, Sam snapped his eyes open and reached a hand out over to Jay.
"Oh sweetheart, look how badly you're shaking." He hadn't even noticed, "How do you want to ride this out? Shower or a drink on the couch?"
"Huh?" Jay was thrown. His head was absolutely done in due to the past few days. "Ride what out?"
"You're either coming down or came down and now in withdrawal because we didn't properly care for you the last ride and you came out of it pretty riled up. So want to keep going or will you let me take care of you?" Sam said matter of factly.
Jay was baffled, he honestly couldn't think of an answer, his head kept screaming at him to go and find his brother or to climb back in the shower and calm down.
"I uh i don't-"
"That's okay" Sam cut him off again, "how about you go take a shower and I'll order some food?"
Jay could do nothing but nod.
Stepping under the stream once again his mind started to race. Sam had gone through a complete 180 since he first woke up. Jay knows that's just how Sam is. He loves him so much he gets angry when Jay won't take care of himself, is what he had been told, and seeing how the past few days have been and Sam's reaction earlier on, he fully believed it to be true. He is an addict, it's not fair to put his problems and inability to stay level onto another person, especially his boyfriend who is trying his best to look after them both. Yeah so maybe Sam offered the pills in the first place, but he could have said no. He didn't have to take them, he wasn't forced to, but he did. That was on him. And he didn't have to keep taking them, he should have stopped. Maybe Sam tried to get him to stop.
'Oh god!' Jay thought, 'what if Sam tried to stop me and I hurt him.'
Sam first met Jay when he was going through the whole Camila fiasco, Sam knew how he got on the pills and how he was when his PTSD acted up. Jay never remembered but they had both woken up with bruises enough times for Jay to realize he wasn't good or safe to be around.
Jay quickly jumped out of the shower and hastily dried and threw his sweats on, before rushing out to the living room to find Sam.
"What did I do?" he asked, quiet and rushed.
"Come again?" Sam asked, confused but with a slight smirk.
"When I was out of it." Jay went to step forward but stopped himself, "what did I do? Did I hurt you? God Sam I-"
"Woah, hey. Calm down ok. Jay, I need you to calm down." Sam said, slowly stepping towards Jay, treating him like a spooked animal. "Yes, okay there were one or two incidents but hey, I'm alright. Nothing I haven't handled before from you. You didn't mean it, you were so out of it you couldn't see which way was up. Come on now, stop crying and calm down."
'Nothing I haven't handled before from you' god that made Jay feel sick. He really wanted a pill right now, to take the edge off. He knew he couldn't and knew why but that didn't stop the itch he felt under his skin. Was he that bad of a person he wanted to take the exact thing which made him hurt his boyfriend earlier.
"I think I'm gonna puke" was all he could say.
"That's just the comedown and anxiety talking. Here come have a drink then we can head to bed, sound good?"
Jay nodded and let himself be dragged over to the couch and pushed down into it, he felt a glass get put in his hand before he realised he was taking a long sip of the strong sharp liquid, swallowing and leaning his head back he tried to let his mind stop running wild and just be in the moment. Here on the couch with his boyfriend.
"Just relax man. You're going to have to think of a better story if your brother decides to drag your boss over here tomorrow. Drink up and I think you should sleep out here again. I love you, I'm sorry."
Jay sat up, startled. He didn't understand why he was being shunned this time, he had done what was asked of him, so why was he being punished.
"Sam?" he asked quietly.
"It's just till you're settled and even keel again. Don't want anyone getting hurt again." Sam said with a shrug.
"Oh," he said disheartened, "ok."
'At least he said sorry this time' Jay thought to himself.
Night rolled around, Sam and Jay said their goodnights, Sam closing the door to the bedroom as Jay placed a glass of water on the coffee table.
The feelings from the other night resurfaced and he found himself missing Mouse more now than ever. Mouse had never closed the door on him, no matter what he had done wrong, no matter how much hurt he had caused, Mouse would never shut him out like that.
'God Mousey. Please come home.' Jay begged in his mind, hoping somehow Mouse could hear.
