Chapter 4
Mia and I spent the whole day outside, somehow unbothered by anyone. Cal didn't come home early and scold us for being outside, my mother didn't come outside and tell me what a horrible mother I was, and Elizabeth didn't glare at me from the large windows overlooking the garden.
Seeing as how much they all seemed to dislike me, it baffled me how they agreed on a union between Cal and I in the first place. My mother I understood (though I didn't in a lot of ways): she was desperate to save the "good name" of Dewitt Bukater, and Cal was the best match she could find. However, why would Cal be interested in someone who had such a hatred for his ways and his lifestyle? Why would he actively pursue me after Titanic, when I made him look like a fool? And why did his parents forget our history and pay off my father's debts? I didn't understand.
Sure, things were different back then. After Titanic, after I lost Jack, I was hospitalized for quite a while, left to nothing but my thoughts for weeks. All I could do was think about how I had let Jack slip away. I had promised not to let go, but I did. And the thought that bothered me the most: if I had stayed in the lifeboat like I was supposed to, Jack could've climbed onto the door and survived. He would be alive and healthy. We would be together now, happily married, traveling the world.
I found myself all alone, feeling nothing but grief. That first day on Carpathia, I woke up to find Cal sitting next to my bed, genuine concern clear in his eyes. He immediately apologized for everything he had done on Titanic and before, but of course a little apology wasn't enough for me. I refused to believe that he felt remorse for his actions, sure he was only trying to get me back into that gilded cage. I hadn't put Jack through everything just to cave at the first sign of trouble.
I resided in New York for a while, staying in a small hotel and working in a local diner. Cal remained there as well but in a different hotel. He visited me occasionally, trying to convince me to give him another chance. He paid off my family's debts without making me agree to marry him and provide him with heirs. He continued to send me flowers, visit me at work every day, and make sure I was feeling well. I tried telling him to stop, that it was over between us and that I couldn't forget how he tortured me throughout our engagement.
One morning, when I was working at the diner, I caught a glimpse of a newspaper in a customer's hands. The cover page had the Titanic survivor's list. I politely approached the customer and asked if I could see the newspaper, to which he said yes. I scanned the list, only one name on my mind. When I didn't see Jack's name on the list, I collapsed onto my knees, clutching the newspaper. Suddenly, I felt Cal's arms wrap around me, helping me up. He took care of me for the rest of the day, providing me with tea, meals, and endless support.
Later that day, I agreed to court him. We hadn't the first time, of course. Instead, my mother just led me downstairs, where he was waiting with an engagement ring. I decided that this time, everything would be different. I would make sure I loved him before agreeing to a marriage, that a contract was signed, promising me that his behavior would be honorable, that I wouldn't be forced to do anything I didn't want to do. He eagerly agreed, thanking me for giving him another chance.
I was embarrassed to admit that after a few weeks of courting him, I had fallen in love with him. He really had changed: he was kind, compassionate, caring… everything that I had ever hoped for him to be. I also knew that he loved me too. He provided me with dinners, walks, conversations, and parties, since I informed him that gifts wouldn't cut it this time around. I insisted on being treated properly, not just having my affections bought with a few pieces of jewelry. He did everything I asked of him and more.
One afternoon, we were taking a walk in his family's garden. It was only the two of us, talking and laughing while strolling past the colorful lilies, tulips, and daisies. Cal joked that day that if I agreed to marry him, he'd replace them all with beautiful roses, for his rose. I laughed and told him he was ridiculous, of course. As I did, he took my hand and spun himself in front of me, getting down on one knee. He proposed to me then. It was in private, rather than in front of a sea of people at an engagement gala. I said yes, of course, feeling noting but love for him, a strange thing to feel, given the past relationship we had.
Unlike the last wedding, I was allowed to plan this wedding all on my own, from the gown to the place settings. I was excited to be married to Cal, to have him whisk me away on a romantic honeymoon and to start our lives together. We signed contracts, as I told him I wanted to: his required him to maintain his new behavior, and mine simply required me to provide him with heirs, with no timeline laid out. I read over the contracts myself, and everything was exactly as I saw fit.
We were married a few weeks later, and Cal took me to a beautiful beach in Florida. Of course, neither of us wanted to take a ship anywhere, though it would have been nice to go somewhere exotic. It rained the whole time we were in Florida, and Cal and I stayed in our room. It was nice to be with him, and even on our honeymoon, I still wasn't entirely used to the idea of the new Cal. He supported me in my dreams, such as working in the women's suffrage movement and different organizations. He comforted me while I grieved for Jack and went through countless panic attacks and mental breakdowns. He loved me unconditionally, or at least I thought he did.
In late June of 1914, I became pregnant, which was a surprise to everyone. When I told Cal, he was so overjoyed that he went out and bought a baby tuxedo, for when we could take him to his first gala. It didn't hit me until after Mia was born that he never entertained the idea of having a girl. Something inside of me told me that it was a girl; I somehow just always knew. I would climb into bed next to Cal and hear him talk to the baby, saying how excited he was to take him to his first Hockley Steel board meeting, to teach him the ins and outs of the company. Once I was sure Cal was asleep, I would quietly tell the baby that I loved her, that she was going to have my whole heart.
The day Mia was born was the day of a major blizzard in Pennsylvania. My mother had been in Philadelphia at the time and despite my requests that she stay in case I went into labor, she left to visit her society friends. Cal was stuck at work, since the roads were all closed off and there was no way to reach him. My water suddenly broke in the morning, and by the early evening of February 18, 1915, Amelia Claire Hockley was born.
Being all alone for the birth was challenging, but I was surrounded by the best nurses and midwives money could buy. No husbands were allowed in the room anyway, so the only thing I was missing was my mother. I convinced myself that I didn't care, that she would've only turned the beautiful experience into something rotten. I just wished I had someone with me when tragedy struck.
As I was placed on the bed and helped into the proper position, the midwife gave me an examination. She told me that the baby was in a difficult position that could prove fatal to both of us. I panicked, of course, but one nurse convinced me that everything would be alright. She told me that I was healthy, that I was young, and that in a few hours, I would have a happy healthy baby in my arms. I didn't know if I believed her at the time, but she had been right.
Cal arrived home later that night to find me holding our beautiful little girl. I had already decided on a name for her: we agreed that I would pick the girl's name while he would pick the boy's. I smiled up at him and introduced him to his newborn daughter. I remembered that day so vividly.
The lights were dimmed, and the room was warm. It was dark outside, but I could see the lights still on in the Hockley factory and offices. I was in bed, feeling nothing but exhausted, but that was okay, because I had my sleeping baby in my arms. So far, the only person she knew was me, and I couldn't wait for her to meet Cal.
Finally, I heard the front door open and the maid greet him. My heart beat faster and faster with excitement, somehow not realizing he might not have the reaction I wanted him to have. "Sweet pea!" He called for me. At the time, I loved that nickname, even after everything on Titanic. I wanted to tell him where I was, but I couldn't wake the baby. "Rose, where are you?"
One nurse was still with me, the one who promised me that we would both be alright. She was keeping an eye on us, making sure that we were both out of immediate danger. "Would you mind telling my husband where I am?" I asked her. She nodded and headed for the door. "Thank you."
A moment later, Cal walked into my room. I put a finger to my lips, telling him to be quiet. "Cal, darling," at the time, I viewed 'darling' as a loving nickname, but he would ruin it for me. "This is your daughter." I looked down at her and smiled, then back up at him. He stood still, not saying a single word, but I could see what he was feeling by looking into his eyes. I saw a new emotion in Cal's eyes that night, one that I hadn't ever seen: disappointment. He was disappointed that he had a daughter rather than a son, disappointed in me for not being able to provide him with an heir, at least not yet.
My heart broke seeing that he was unhappy to have a daughter rather than a son. I blamed myself for quite a while, angry at myself for not being able to give him a son yet. I never allowed myself to resent Mia, though. She was too much of a blessing in my eyes to ever be seen that way.
From then on, my life was somewhat separate from Cal's: we still ate dinner together every night and ended up in the same bed at the end of every day. But we drifted apart in a way. It was upsetting to watch as he failed to recognize Mia as a blessing, and instead saw her as something of a nuisance. All he wanted was a son, and I never heard the end of it.
Even so, Cal treated me well. He still told me he loved me, he still gave me hugs and kisses, and he still supported me as much as I supported him. He was still a wonderful husband, simply staying uninvolved in Mia's life. That didn't bother me, since many high society fathers did that, mine included.
After months of trying to get pregnant, I decided to visit a doctor. I was met by examinations, consultations, and confused looks, the doctor informed me that because of the complications and excess bleeding that came along with having Mia, it would be nearly impossible to conceive another child.
To say I was heartbroken was an understatement. I desperately wanted another child, not to mention provide a brother or sister for Mia. But I knew that not being able to provide Cal with an heir would be most problematic. Part of me wanted to tell him, to discuss what to do about the situation. I also wanted him to know that Mia could be his only child, so he could appreciate her and savor every moment, just like I would. The other part of me wanted to keep it to myself. I knew that if Cal found out I wouldn't provide him with an heir, he would act out. The second part one.
I didn't get a chance to tell Cal about the doctor's appointment: the doctor had called him directly, informing him of my appointment and his findings. As I entered the estate, Cal came towards me, screaming about how I had ruined all of his plans. He told me that marrying me was a colossal mistake, that he was blinded by my seduction methods and that I was lucky we were married and that he couldn't throw me out. He told me that since I couldn't uphold the contract I had signed, he was no longer obligated uphold his side.
That night, I didn't return to his bedroom. I settled down for the night in the bedroom next to Mia's. I would never return to his bedroom again, we would never make love again, he would never tell me he loved me again, and he would never be the person he had been for those wonderful years again. That's how I became trapped in this life, this life I never even wanted.
I wiped away a tear as Mia ran back towards me after skipping around and playing for a few minutes. I was sitting on a blanket on the grass, looking up at her. "Having fun?" I asked, shifting my attention away from my memories and over to her.
She nodded, taking her bunny back from me. "I like playing outside," she smiled. I wished I could give her more days like this one, where she could just play without having to worry about anything happening inside that house. She looked down at me and patted the top of my head, making me laugh. "Can I sit on your lap?"
I nodded. "Of course," I smiled. I reached over, taking her in my arms and sitting her down on my lap. She took my hands in hers, clapping them together. I leaned over and kissed her cheek, smiling as I thought about the perfect day we were having. I desperately wanted to ask her a question, one that I probably shouldn't have asked, but I couldn't stop myself. "Mia, do you like living here?"
She leaned back against me, turning her head to face me. "I don't know," she shrugged innocently. "I wish I could be with you every day." She looked at me with those large blue eyes, just breaking my heart.
God damn it, that was the last thing I wanted to hear. I was glad she loved spending time with me, of course, but I just wished I could spent all of my time with her. I wished sometimes that I didn't have access to the maids and nannies. Then, I would be able to take full control of Mia's care. I realized in that moment that I hadn't changed a single one of her diapers, I hadn't bathed her recently, and I couldn't remember a time I cooked her a meal.
Those were things I wanted to do for my children. I wanted to wake up early, preparing tea and coffee, along with a big breakfast. My husband would come downstairs once it was all ready, giving me a good morning kiss. I would hand him a mug of his choice of beverage and playfully scold him for sleeping so late. My children would come down the stairs and quickly eat their breakfast before running off to their activities, leaving my husband and I alone for the day.
It was all a dream that would never come true. Mia and I would always be here, at least for a while. I needed to accept that and make the best of the situation. I had, in a way, by doing what I could to take care of Mia as much as I could. I just always wished there was more I could do.
I stroked her cheek and smiled sadly. "Me too," I told her. "But I promise, I'll always spend as much time with you as I can." I took her little hand in mine. "You know how much I love you, right?"
She nodded and threw her arms around my neck, hugging me tightly. "I love you too, Mommy."
