A/N- So where have my loyal readers and reviewers gone? Thank you to those who have been reviewing the last couple chapters, but I've noticed a huge drop in reviews over the few days. Are you unhappy with the way the story is going? Are you losing interest? Are you just really busy? I just want to be sure that people still like this story and plan to continue following it, because if not it's probably not worth me continuing to post every day (though I want to! I love writing this story). So please let me know, and don't be afraid to leave negative reviews, any feedback is helpful as long as it's constructive. I'd rather hear bad things than nothing at all. Anyway, hope you enjoy what is very clearly coming up here and as always, I appreciate your reading, reviews, and recommendations if you're inclined to offer them to others. I do not own Gilmore Girls or any of its characters or concepts, which is unfortunate because I could really use a Luke Danes in my life right now.
Chapter 22
Later that week, Jess received another call from Lorelai. Lord have mercy.
"Jess? It's Lorelai," the voice on the other side of the phone exclaimed in a slight panic.
"Yeah, I kinda figured it wasn't Luke since it's 2 in the morning. Is everything okay?" he groaned, confused and annoyed.
"No! I mean, maybe, I don't know. Um…"
"Lorelai, if you do not get to the point I am going to burn this bed and make you and Luke sleep on the floor when you get here," Jess growled.
"Clearly you did not become any more cheerful," Lorelai mumbled, "Alright, fine. It's really inappropriate and weird for me to be asking you this but Rory's out of town for work and I haven't heard from her. At all. I mean, it's not like we have a set schedule but it's been about five days and I haven't heard anything and I'm just worried."
"Have you tried calling her?" Jess said, rubbing his eyes and stretching.
"Yes, twice," Lorelai replied, "No answer. I left messages. But it's not unusual for her to get busy and not check them. She does that sometimes. It's not like we…"
"Alright, I'm getting the picture," Jess cut her off before she could get too personal, "Look, you said Rory's out of town on business. I'd assume she's busy. You said she goes on trips like this somewhat regularly, and that she's often too busy to check her messages. And that you guys don't have the constant separation-anxiety level of communication that you used to. All correct?"
"Yes," Lorelai said, her voice slowing down, "But.."
"Then I wouldn't worry," Jess said, "I know why you're calling and I'm sorry, I haven't heard from her either. But it's Rory. She's smart, I'm sure she's safe, and if by the end of the weekend you haven't heard from her I'll be the captain of your rescue party, no questions asked, no complaints issued. But give her some time. It's the weekdays, they have to be crazy for her, and I'm sure things will cool down and you'll hear from her soon. She probably just got caught up. Okay?"
"Alright," Lorelai exhaled deeply. He could hear the worry in her voice subsiding only slightly. "Sorry for bothering you."
"Anytime, really," Jess assured her, "It was nothing. I'll see you tomorrow."
"See you then," Lorelai answered.
Jess laid back down in the bed, his head beginning to ache. Dear God, Rory. It wasn't like Jess was unfamiliar with the not-being-interested-in-communicating-with-one's-m other mentality, but this was Rory. To not even send a text or something about the messages? In truth, Jess was worried. Just not in the way Lorelai was.
Jess was one hundred percent certain she was safe. If Rory wasn't safe, he'd know. He couldn't explain it, but he had this sense about her where he knew that if something was really wrong, he'd know and he'd be there. This wasn't like that. She was purposefully ignoring her mother, wanting some room to breathe, some air, some space. But how much space did she need? Why did she need space from Lorelai and Luke and the people who were a part of her life now, but she felt that she needed less space from Jess, who hadn't been an active part of her life in years? Why him? He knew that she felt understood by him in a way that she didn't by the others but she wasn't coming to him with anything. It seemed almost like she was biding time, skating by, and he didn't get it.
What did Jess know about Rory? At some point he would have said everything. In the literary sense, of course. He knew the bray of her heart, the words that were echoing in her head at most moments, her most shameful hidden parts of herself and her most exalted inner triumphs. Today, he knew what all those things had been, and he knew a lot of what could be. He was lacking in what was. He knew that she was devoured by some sort of uncertainty, because it clouded her eyes at nearly every glance, and that avoidance was her current mechanism of coping. Jess of all people was very familiar with both of those things. But didn't she get better?
He thought back to the scene outside the restaurant, where he yelled at her and looked down on her and scolded her and goddamn rightfully so. He remembered leaving her with a pearl of what had been, what could be, the idea of what she really deserved and needed and wanted, not as told by anyone else but by her own heart and mind. But what had she said to him, all that time? Only "I don't know". And when she had come to Truncheon and kissed him, under the false pretenses that had made him so angry that he worried Matt and Chris out of their skin for the next sixth months with his rage. What type of person would do such a thing? Not Rory Gilmore, not the girl with the iridescent eyes and the achingly kind voice that he had fallen so deeply for in the middle of his own purgatory.
She had said that everything was fixed. He needed her to, before anything could happen. It was the catalyst, because no matter how much he may have loved her she needed to sort herself out, fall back into herself or grow into who she'd be, whatever the case was, in order for them to truly have a shot. He'd known that. And she'd affirmed to him, sweetly, that it was done.
Or was it simpering? Was it true? Was it fixed? Truth be told Jess knew only a small amount of what was wrong with her at the time. He'd known she fought with her mom, left Yale, moved in with her grandparents, dated some jackass, and had basically given up on everything. He still didn't know all the "why" about it, feeling that it wasn't his place to ask. He knew that not long after his visit, she'd gone back to Star's Hollow, made up with her mom, re-enrolled at Yale, and left a lot of her grandparent's lifestyle behind. To most people that would seem like the whole story. But Rory was complicated.
He needed to know, he decided. He had to find out why she'd done everything, what had happened, to fill in the gaps. At least enough to try to figure out what was going on. When did the fall start? How far did it go? How ugly did her life get? Some of it wouldn't be easy. Jess had always seem her as perfection, the muse rather than the flawed counterpart. But they were older and despite uncertainty about what would come of it Jess knew that he needed to be the one to do this, that he was the only one that would, or could.
Of course, he'd start where he always did when he needed to find the answers. Getting out of bed, he walked over to his bookshelves, and pulled out an old, worn copy of Howl.
"The weight of the world is love.
Under the burden of solitude,
under the burden of dissatisfaction
the weight,the weight we carry is love. "
