Chapter 19
Jack stared at me in shock, not saying a single word. I didn't blame him, of course. Suddenly I told him that he could be a father, that I could be pregnant. I was freaking out myself. "I-I thought that wasn't possible," he said finally.
I shrugged. "So did I," I whispered, looking down at his hand, still secure on my calf. "But this feeling, the nausea, the stomach pain, the fatigue… the last time I had this, was when I was pregnant with Mia. Not to mention… I'm late." Jack didn't say anything, and the silence was eating me alive. "Jack, please... say something."
Jack leaned over and took my hand, squeezing it. "I'm sorry, I'm just... at a bit of a loss…" He looked up at me and smiled. "We have to see a doctor. We have to find out for sure. I mean… for all we know, this could just be a virus."
My eyes widened in shock and fear. "Have you gone quite mad?" I asked. "A doctor? No one is allowed to know about us. How can we have a doctor come here and see me and Mia?"
Jack sighed and shook his head. "I've agreed with you on everything, but this time… you're taking it too far, Rose." I looked at him, surprised, as he continued. "You can't have a baby without a doctor or nurse or midwife or someone. Not to mention, given the complications with Mia, you need someone to monitor you and make sure everything is alright. I'm not letting you talk me out of this."
I shook my head as my eyes filled with tears. "I need to keep Mia safe," I said quietly. "We can't be found, Jack. I can't let Mia end up back in that god forsaken house!"
"Shh, I know," he picked up my hand and gave it a kiss. "I know you want to take care of Mia. But… I need to take care of you. We both need to know what this is. And I promise you, I'll protect Mia if it comes to that."
I nodded slowly, realizing that it was useless to argue. Besides, I didn't have enough energy to fight. "Fine."
Jack smiled. "Good." He kissed my cheek and slipped his arms under me, one under my knees and one behind my back. "I'm carrying you to bed. You're in no condition to walk." I smiled and gripped his shoulder as he lifted me off the ground. He placed me under the covers and pulled the blanket over me as I laid on my side, wrapping my arms around my lower abdomen. Jack leaned down and kissed my cheek. "Will you be okay, until I can get the doctor here?"
I nodded, placing my hand against his chest. "I'll be okay," I said quietly. I closed my eyes tiredly, opening them a second later. "Where's Mia? What's she doing?"
"I don't know," Jack shrugged, "I think she's playing with the dog downstairs... the dog that has yet to be named." I chuckled under my breath. "Do you want me to send her to you?"
"That's alright, let her play," I tugged on his shirt to get him close enough to kiss him, and our lips met in a brief, fleeting kiss. "If I'm right about this…"
"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it, Rose," he whispered. "But I promise you, no matter what, everything will be okay." He kissed my cheek. "It'll all work out, don't worry."
I nodded as Jack gave me another kiss before leaving. I rested my head against the pillow, thinking about what it would be like to have Jack's baby, to be pregnant again, to do it all again, but with someone I knew would take care of me no matter what.
I tried to imagine a beautiful little baby, with that infectious baby smell, the little chubby arms, and a sweet smile. I tried to imagine Mia begging me for a little sister, and Jack and I having to explain to her that we couldn't control if it were a boy or a girl. I tried to imagine those excruciating hours ending with the sharp cry of a newborn as the midwife placed the baby in my arms. I couldn't, however. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw a baby either dying before I could carry it to term, or a small child stuck in the mess that I had created.
I stared at the ceiling for some time, only looking away once there was a knock on the bedroom door. "Come in," I said quietly, my voice completely hoarse. Jack came in, followed by another man. He looked only a few years older than Jack, probably in his early thirties. Jack rushed back over to me, taking my hand and holding it to his chest. He was worried about me, I could tell. "I'm fine, Jack. I promise."
Jack took my hand and kissed it. "Let's just wait to see what the doctor has to say." He stroked through my curls, and finally I was able to relax.
"Um, Mr. Dawson, if you wouldn't mind waiting outside…" the doctor stammered. My cheeks blushed as I realized how improper he must have thought we were. We were an unmarried couple living together with a child and quite possibly expecting another. Jack staying in the room while the doctor examined me would only add to the inappropriateness of it all
Jack shook his head. "No way. I'm staying here," he looked down at me and smiled.
My heart pounded in response. He didn't care what society had to say about anything; he only cared about the people he loved. Just as I was about to respond, I heard Mia's voice calling me from downstairs. "I know you want to stay, and I want you to as well, but… could you please stay with Mia?" I asked quietly. "She's probably afraid." He stayed frozen for a moment so I tried to reassure him. "I'll be fine. I'll call you back here the second we're done."
Jack sighed and nodded, leaning down to kiss my forehead. "Call me back when you're finished."
Finally, the doctor finished the exam and scribbled notes in a small notebook. "Mrs… um…" the doctor stammered, not knowing what exactly to call me. "Miss Rose, you're with child... You're pregnant."
I nodded slowly, shoving my feelings as deep inside as they could go. "Thank you." I was pregnant. I would be having a baby in a few months. "A few years ago, I was told that I would never be able to conceive again, because of complications when I gave birth to my daughter."
The doctor shrugged. "Doctors are wrong all the time," he smiled. "It's possible that those complications can affect this pregnancy, but I'll keep an eye on you and make sure everything goes well. If this sickness gets any worse, have Mr. Dawson come find me again. Just try to rest as much as possible and everything should be fine."
I nodded. "Thank you." I threw my head back and allowed some tears to fall. This was all such a mess. It was a mess before this, but now, it was an even bigger mess. Mia and I were already stuck here, in this house. Although it didn't bother me, I knew it meant that Mia wouldn't get to have many experiences that other children would have. She wouldn't be able to make friends, date, or live as an independent being. Now, there would be another person, an innocent baby, tied down by my mistakes and problems. It wasn't fair.
Jack walked back in once the doctor left. I opened my eyes and looked at him, smiling ever so slightly. I was sure he'd be excited that we would have a baby, but as much as I tried, I couldn't conjure up any emotion other than utter fear I felt. "What did he say?" he asked finally, sitting on the edge of the bed.
I just looked at him and nodded. Immediately, before I even knew what was going on, I started to cry. I felt so hopeless, so doomed to this reality of raising my children in this trapped environment.
Jack climbed into bed next to me, holding me in his arms. I leaned against his chest, soaking his shirt as I continued to cry. I couldn't breathe, talk, move, anything. All I could do was cry. "Talk to me, Rose. Tell me what's going on."
"I… I… I can't..." I could hardly breathe. I was crying so hard that I was hyperventilating, and I couldn't even speak. "I can't bring another child into this mess," I choked out, crying even harder than before.
"Okay, shh," Jack held me tightly, stroking my hair. "Take deep breaths. Breathe." With Jack's help, I was slowly able to calm down enough to properly breathe and speak, even though I was still in tears. "Good."
"This was bad enough when it was just Mia tied up in this situation," I said quietly. "Now… now there's going to be a baby, an innocent baby that will also grow up here, unable to grow up like a normal child! They will resent me. They'll eventually know that things are the way they are because I married Cal and I ran from him and that I'm the cause of all of this!"
Jack shook his head. "The baby will be fine. The baby will be loved and cherished and… I'm not saying it'll be easy, because it won't. But Rose," he stroked my cheek and smiled at me, while I began to calm down. "This baby is going to have us as parents, and Mia as an older sister. This baby will be okay, Rose."
"What if I lose it, Jack?" I said quietly. I didn't want to ask, I didn't even want to consider the possibility of losing it.
Jack sighed and brushed a curl out of my face. "If you lose it, it'll be horrible and heartbreaking, but... you'll survive. You'll be okay. I promise, Rose, everything will be okay."
I smiled for the first time since I found out about the pregnancy. I slowly propped myself up, meeting Jack's lips in a kiss. "We're having a baby," I whispered. "We're… wow." I reached up and played with a strand of his hair, then touched his lips with my finger. "You're going to be a father."
"I already feel like one," Jack smiled, and my heart felt like it could burst. "We'll be a family, Rose. A real one. We'll be together, in love, and Mia and the baby will be happy and loved… and I know Mia already has a father, but I can be someone to love her and care for her too."
I touched his cheek. "You're more of a father to her than Cal ever was. You're her father in every way that matters." I smiled at him. "It's just one of the infinite reasons why I love you."
•••
I fell asleep that night in Jack's arms, after hours of worrying about every possible scenario. I imagined conversations and problems while Jack slept next to me, his arms wrapped around me. Even once I fell asleep, I was having dreams... or rather nightmares…
I slowly walked down the creaky staircase of Jack's house, the cold air hitting me immediately. Usually, the downstairs was warmer, since it had the fireplace. Now, for some reason, it was colder downstairs. I walked towards the lit fireplace, trying to get warm, but it only made me colder.
I shivered as I turned around to see two little girls sitting on the floor, playing with dolls. One was significantly older than the other, and the older one had dark red curls while the younger one had blonde straight hair. They were mine, I knew immediately. I smiled and walked towards them. I opened my mouth to say something, ask If I could join in their little game of make believe, when they turned around and both shot me cold, dirty looks.
"We don't want you to play with us," said the younger one with a look of pure loathing.
The older one spoke next, with an expression equally as cold. "Yeah, it's your fault we're stuck here."
As sadness coursed through my body and I opened my mouth, but I could only close it again, shocked and hurt that my own children could view me in such a way… but they were right, weren't they?
I turned to see Jack walking towards us. I felt a bit of relief then, since I knew he would help me. He'd always loved me and I knew that he would tell them that it wasn't my fault, that I couldn't control a thing, but all he said was, "You're right." He knelt down to join them, staring at me angrily. "This is all her fault."
I shot up out of bed, still heartbroken from that horrible dream. I turned to look at Jack, hoping I hadn't woken him, and I was relieved to find him lying on his side with his eyes shut. I slipped out of bed, put on my kimono and slippers, and snuck downstairs.
I lay down on the couch, covering my legs and feet with the blanket. I placed my hands on my stomach, feeling just the tiniest little… something there. It was almost impossible to feel, but I knew it was there. A lump formed in my throat, only disappearing once I had burst into tears. I covered my face with my hands, trying to quiet the sound of my crying so as not to wake Jack or Mia.
Of course, it didn't work. I felt Jack's arms wrap around me only a moment later, and his lips touched my temple. I nearly jumped out of my skin at his touch, the picture of his cold gaze still clear in my mind. "Rose," he whispered. "What is it?"
"I can't do this," I whispered. I had nothing else to say, though my mind was spinning in circles. I felt Jack lay next to me on the couch and wrap his arms around me. My head was against his warm chest, and my tears were soaking right through his shirt. "I can't bear to watch the three people I love the most start to resent me."
"Resent you?" Jack asked, the shock clear in his voice. "No one is going to resent you, Rose. Mia loves you more than anything, so do I, and so will this baby. No one will resent you, I promise."
I sighed, looking away from him. "You feel that way now, Jack, but what happens later?" I looked away from him. "Trust me, I know, when you have a baby, you're so in love with the baby that all you want to do is show them off to everyone. And… you won't be able to do that."
"Nothing will ever change," Jack said, his gaze so intense that I couldn't possibly doubt him for a moment. "I could never not love you, Rose, and neither could Mia or this baby. I promise you that."
I wrapped my arms tighter around him, leaning against his chest. "I'm scared," I whispered.
Jack held me closer and leaned down to place a light kiss on my forehead. "So am I," he admitted. I looked up at him as if he had lost his mind. If there was anyone who could be a wonderful parent, it was Jack. "Listen, you've done this before. Look at Mia! Look how absolutely perfect she is! I know that was all you, Rose, and I know you're an incredible mother." He leaned over and kissed my temple.
"Did I ever tell you about the day Mia was born?" I asked, and Jack shook his head. "Well, it was the morning of a blizzard, and suddenly my water broke. Cal was at work, though he wouldn't have been allowed to be there anyway, and my mother was in Philadelphia. We were getting along then, since I had done exactly what she wanted me to," I rolled my eyes. "So, I wanted her there. Still, she insisted on going to Philadelphia, and so she wasn't with me. I was all alone.
"It was one of the scariest moments of my life," I continued, feeling my eyes fill with tears again. "My water broke all of a sudden, then midwives and nurses came in. Once I was examined, I was told that she could die… that we both could die… I didn't know anyone in that room. There was no one to hold my hand, to tell me that everything would be okay. And the thought of having to do that again… not having you there with me… it's terrifying. I-I don't know if I can do it again."
Jack looked at me and smiled. "Okay," he said confidently. "So then I'll be with you."
I propped myself up to look at him properly. "Jack," I tried to stifle my laughter. "This isn't a joke."
"I know it's not," Jack answered. He smiled at me and touched my cheek. "I'll be there with you. I'll hold your hand, and I'll tell you that everything will be okay. I'm serious." I blushed at how kind he was. I hated comparing Cal and Jack, especially since it was no competition, but Cal would never have put my concerns over societal standards the way Jack did. He never did, even when we were at our best. "If any doctor or midwife tries to stop me, I'll tell them that I'm staying and that there's nothing they can do about it." I laughed, feeling a bit more relaxed. Jack leaned down and kissed my hair. "I know everything's complicated right now. But I promise you, Rose, we'll figure this out. We will."
