Chapter 20

October 3, 1918

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

There were very few times in my life that I truly felt as if I had no options. All of them, perhaps coincidentally, were connected to Cal. The first time was soon after my father died, when I was forced to accept Cal's proposal and agree to a life that I had no interest in. I could feel the walls moving closer and closer by the second until I was stuck in a cage, unable to move or breathe.

From then on, I was in a constant state of feeling trapped. The pain and suffering I felt just kept building and building until Titanic, when I was willing to take my own life rather than put up with it all any longer. That was the night that I met Jack, the wonderful, kind, compassionate Jack, who saved me again and again before tragically dying in the sinking. I still thought about him every day, wondered if he could see me, wondered if there was someplace outside of this world, where he, Tommy, and Fabrizio were playing poker. I had to believe that place existed. It was far too painful to think that Jack had just ceased to exist.

This was another one of those moments. Cal and I had gotten married after signing contracts, and mine obligated me to provide Cal with heirs. Although there was no timeline laid out, the fact that I was infertile meant that I would never be able to keep the contract. I had hoped that Cal would act with compassion, reacting to the disappointing news by comforting me, offering me some sort of solution, though I didn't think there was one. He had reacted in the one way I had hoped he wouldn't: he told me that marrying me was a colossal mistake.

It pained me to hear him say something so terrible. I loved Cal, really loved him, and couldn't stand to hear him say that he didn't love me, and that he never did. He told me that I had somehow convinced him to marry me, that I had seduced him into it. I had never been so hurt by someone in my entire life.

I sat on the wood rocking chair, holding Mia in my arms as she slept. She was still small enough that she could lay comfortably cradled in my arms. After everything that had happened with Cal earlier that day, finding out that I was infertile and dealing with the aftermath with him, holding Mia in my arms was the only thing that could calm my nerves. Memorizing every detail of her tiny face as she held onto me reminded me that something good had come from our relationship, something that Cal could never take away.

A knock at the door interrupted me. Mary, my lady's maid, peeked her head in. "Mrs. Hockley," she began. "Miss Ryder is here to see you." Samantha Ryder was my best friend, a real friend, unlike the other society women, who I only pretended to like. She hadn't given into her parents' pressure to marry and instead pursued her dreams. She and I were quite similar, but she had more power. She could speak up, unafraid of any consequences; she could do what she wanted, unconcerned with societal standards or others' opinions. I envied that about her. Needless to say, Mother and Cal weren't fond of her, but I didn't care. Cal never tried to stop me from seeing her, since he had always allowed me to follow my dreams. Mother was powerless in every way; her only powers were cold words and an angry speech, which never scared me.

"Thank you," I whispered. "I'll be right there." I carefully stood up and walked over to Mia's bed, gently placing her under the covers. I pulled the blanket over her small body and brushed a stray curl off her face. I leaned down and planted a soft kiss on the apple of her cheek. "Sweet dreams," I whispered, taking one last glance at her before leaving the room.

I walked quickly to the front door, where Samantha had just handed her coat to a maid. She was my height, with long, straight dark brown hair and dark eyes. She had two different personalities: the way she was around me, Mia, and others she liked, where she could be kind, funny and calm, and the way she was around toxic men and holier-than-thou society women, where she could turn into a complete pistol, destroying everyone in her way. "Hello, Rose," she smiled at me as I continued to walk towards her. "I thought we were going out for tea."

I put on a mask, afraid to reveal my emotions in front of the various house employees standing around us. I faked a smile. "Well, the garden is so beautiful today, I thought perhaps we'd stay here."

Samantha nodded suspiciously. "Alright, that's fine." Without another word, I led her to one of the small round tables outside. We sat across from each other as the maids began to bring us tea. We sat in silence as they brought over the scones and poured the tea. Finally, they had finished, and Samantha spoke first. "So… what's wrong?" I knit my eyebrows and shook my head, trying to deny that there was anything wrong in the first place. "Rose, I can tell something happened."

I sighed, looking down at my hands. I didn't know how to tell her what had happened. I didn't know how to explain to her how powerless I was here, but I would try. "Cal and I had a bit of an argument yesterday," it was an absolute understatement, but I had nothing else to say. I couldn't say what had really happened out loud, to anyone. I was convinced that if I did, I would fall apart and never be able to put myself back together.

"What happened?" Samantha asked, cutting a piece of a blueberry scone and eating it.

I had to tell someone about this, I decided. Otherwise, it would just build and eat at me until I exploded. I closed my eyes, gathering the strength. I knew Samantha was a safe person to tell; she would never betray me, she would never judge what I told her, and perhaps she could help me somehow. "I went to a doctor yesterday… he told me I could never conceive another child."

"I'm so sorry, Rose," Samantha sighed. She played with the ends of her hair, deep in thought. "Cal… what did he say in response?" She already knew, of course, that Cal had reacted badly. She was arching an eyebrow and clenching a fist.

I told her how Cal reacted, how he had destroyed me in every possible way. "I just… I don't know what to do anymore." I looked up at her tearfully. "What do I do now? He's never going to be the husband he was again."

"Rose, if he's that quick to revert to his old ways and treat you this way, he never was that husband. He never was the man you thought he was." Samantha gave me a sad smile. "He fooled everyone. God damn him and his convincing ways…"

"I should've never forgiven him in the first place. If Mia hadn't come from this marriage, I would say this was all a mistake… I'm trapped here now. He's going to continue this way… forever." I looked down deep in thought, then looked up and noticed Samantha growing increasingly angry until she finally stood up and stormed inside. "Wait, Samantha! Stop!"

I followed her as she stormed into Cal's office, throwing the door open with a bang. "How dare you, you unimaginable bastard!" She slammed the door, shutting the three of us in the office. "You evil, terrible, cold, embarrassing excuse for a man," she walked closer to him. "You don't deserve her, Mia, or anything. You deserve to be out on the street rotting! How dare you treat her so terribly."

"Miss Ryder-"

Cal was quickly interrupted by Samantha's strong fist bashing right into his face, breaking his nose. "Go to hell."

•••

January 7, 1921

Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin

Unlike every morning since I arrived in Chippewa Falls, this morning, I didn't immediately smile as I realized I was in Jack's arms, safe in his home. I remembered everything that had happened the day before and, despite Jack's efforts to convince me that everything would be okay, I still felt hopeless.

Jack wrapped his arms around me and brought his lips to my ear. "Good morning," he whispered. Usually, hearing Jack's voice, his whisper close to my ear, made me smile instantly. This morning, it didn't make me feel safe, it didn't make me feel warm or happy. It filled me with resentment, something that I never wanted to feel towards Jack. I tried to eradicate it, but I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't even roll over and look at him. All I could do was stare out the frosty window, at the tree branch holding so much snow that it could collapse at any moment. After I didn't respond, Jack sighed and spoke again. "Rose, can you talk to me? Tell me what's going on?"

I remained still and continued to stare at the tree outside the window. "I don't want to talk," I said quietly, and I could hear myself hurting Jack with every word, with every look away.

"Okay," he said quietly, kissing my cheek quickly. "I'll be downstairs if you need me." He climbed out of bed, and I saw him stop at the door and turn back to look at me before leaving and closing the door behind him.

I knew something didn't feel right, like the world was pressing down on my chest. I had only been awake for a few minutes, but I was ready to go back to sleep again. There was no purpose to being awake, and there was no purpose to sitting up and starting the day either. I had no energy to do anything anymore. I had slept at least ten hours, I still couldn't navigate my way out of the fog. I couldn't breathe or turn onto my side, and every little moment required a few minutes to recover before I could move again. Before I knew it, the whole morning had passed and I was still in the same position, unable to fight against the weight keeping me down.

"Mommy!" Mia came skipping in, and I tried to shove my feelings deep inside, but it didn't work. I inwardly begged that she would go back downstairs or that I'd be able to talk to her without lashing out. Mia plopped down on the bed and rested her head on top of me. "Are you coming downstairs, Mommy?"

I couldn't even look at Mia because if I did, I was sure I'd burst into tears or hurt her. "Mia, can you go back downstairs please?" I asked quietly.

"But why?" Mia asked quietly, a little whine in her voice. "Why are you still in bed?"

"Mia," I clenched my fists, feeling myself growing impatient. I tried to stop myself, tried not to say anything hurtful, but my mouth moved faster than my brain could. "I need to be left alone right now." I squeezed my eyes shut immediately, knowing that I'd hurt her. I was ready to apologize, but it was too late. "Mia-"

"Okay," Mia said sadly, in a voice I hadn't heard from her since our arrival in Chippewa Falls. She climbed off the bed and quickly left the room, the door clicking shut behind her. I put my head in my hands and sighed.

The next thing I heard was the bedroom door close and heavier footsteps approach me. "Rose, I need you to tell me what's going on," Jack touched my leg. "We went to bed last night and everything was fine-"

"Everything is not fine!" I turned over, sitting up quickly to stare at him. "Everything is so far from fine, Jack, and I'm tired of pretending that any of this is okay!" Jack sighed exasperatedly and sat on the edge of the bed. "I'm married, Jack, to one of the most powerful men in the country, a man that abused my daughter and me for years. He can find us at any moment! He could hurt us or kill us if he wanted to! And he will, if he finds out I'm pregnant with your child."

"So what's the alternative?" Jack asked. "That you stayed with Cal, that you let Mia stay somewhere unsafe? He did hurt you and Mia already. The threat of that happening again is better than the reality of it happening again. You did what you had to do for yourself and for Mia!"

It was almost as if Jack hadn't said anything at all. My mind kept spinning in circles. "Here we are, you and I, playing house and pretending that none of those threats exist. We're stuck here, Mia's stuck here, and this baby is going to be stuck here too!"

"Wow," Jack paused and crossed his arms. I could tell he was putting on a tough act when really he was heartbroken. I had hurt yet another person. "I didn't realize that the idea of us being together made you feel so trapped."

I shook my head. "No, Jack, that's not what I meant. Please-"

Jack shook his head and stood up, leaving me behind to think about everything. I had hurt him, the one person who was there for me, no matter what. I showed up on his doorstep with Mia and, without hesitation, he invited us into his house and into his life, promising to take care of us and protect us. How could I start doubting him now?

Finally, I was able to get up out of bed, and I quickly threw my feet into my slippers and walked towards the door, pausing with my hand on the knob before gathering the courage to open the door and go downstairs. Jack was standing in the kitchen staring at a pan, cooking grilled cheese. Mia was sitting on the counter, chomping on a carrot.

"Mommy wasn't trying to be mean, sweetie, I promise," he said, looking at her and smiling warmly. "She's a little… sad, but it has nothing to do with you." He smiled and put his hand on her cheek. "She still loves you very much, okay?"

"Jack's right," I said quietly, finally moving from the door frame into the kitchen and standing next to Mia, putting my arm around her. "I love you so much, Mia, and I'm so sorry I snapped at you this morning. I never want to hurt you."

Mia nodded and wrapped her arms around my neck. I lifted her into my arms and kissed her cheek, glancing at Jack, who was looking down at the grilled cheese. "Hey, do you think you can go play in the other room?" I whispered. I placed Mia on the ground and she ran away. I rested my back against the counter so I could look at him. "You're making Mia a grilled cheese?"

"No, actually, this one's for you," said Jack. He didn't even look up at me. He picked up the spatula and flipped the sandwich, causing a satisfying sizzle. "You're pregnant now, and you haven't eaten anything all day. I was going to bring it up to you."

"Jack, I didn't mean trapped with you," I said quietly. "You had a whole life before we came here, a life that I interrupted. When you leave this house, you have to watch everything you say and do. You can't have friends here anymore. Meanwhile, I had friends back in Pittsburgh, not many, but a few. Mia had friends, she could go to the park and play with children her age." I placed one hand on Jack's neck and the other on his opposite cheek. "Being with you, Jack, is a dream come true. Having your child is a dream come true. I used to lay in that horrible room in the Hockley mansion and imagine having a life with you. It's not a curse, Jack. Please hear me when I say that."

Jack wrapped his arm around me, pulling me closer. "You have to talk to me, Rose," he smiled. "I know you're scared, and I understand why, but you have to talk to me, please." I smiled a little and nodded. "Good," Jack grabbed a plate and flipped the grilled cheese onto it. "Now eat."

I smiled and took the plate, placing it on the counter for a moment so I could grab him and kiss him. "Thank you," I whispered, planting another kiss on his lips. I grabbed the plate with one hand and his wrist with the other. I led him into the living room, where Mia was playing with the dog.

We all sat together for a few minutes before Mia jumped up and skipped over to Jack. "Can we build a snowman?" she whispered. Jack had recently taught Mia how to build a snowman, something that she couldn't experience before. She was hardly allowed to play outside, and even when she was, she certainly wasn't allowed to play in the snow. I could imagine my mother's face finding out I had allowed my daughter to do such a thing; she would give me a neverending lecture that I would, of course, ignore.

Jack chuckled and nodded. "Of course," he stood up from the couch and kissed my cheek before walking over to the coat closet to take out his and Mia's coats and gloves. "We'll use some branches for arms this time for a more realistic snowman."

Mia smiled and walked over to me with her coat on but unbuttoned. "Come here," I took her coat buttons and started fastening them, working my way all the way to the top since it was freezing outside. I slid her gloves onto her hands and kissed her cheek. "Keep your gloves on, okay? It's cold outside."

Mia nodded. "Okay," she wrapped her arms around my neck, and I wrapped my arms around her small frame, holding her in a tight hug. "I love you, Mommy."

"Oh, sweetie," I held her tightly and smiled. "I love you too." I waved as I watched Jack and Mia walk outside into the snow. I watched through the living room window, pulling a blanket over my legs and laying down across the couch. As I fell asleep, I imagined what it would have been like to be married to Jack all these years instead of Cal, what it would be like to tell Jack that I couldn't have children…

I walked up the front porch stairs feeling nothing but absolutely devastated. All I wanted to do was give Jack a child. How was it possible that I couldn't do the one thing I was supposed to do as a wife and as a woman? All of the horrible mothers out there, my mother, were able to have children. I was in love with my husband and ready to give my child everything and all the love in the world, and I was unable to have a child. How was it any fair?

I opened the front door to find Jack sitting on the couch reading the paper. He looked up at me and smiled. "Hey," he looked back down at the paper but looked up again a moment later, noticing that something was bothering me. He jumped up from the couch and ran over to me. As soon as I felt his arms around me, I collapsed against him and cried. "Rose, what is it? What's wrong?"

I picked up my head and looked at him. "I-I can't," I put my head back down against his chest and continued to sob. "Jack, I went to the doctor today and he told me…" I paused and looked at him, trying to steady my emotions. "He told me that I can't have children."

Jack stopped and looked at me sadly. "Oh, Rose, I'm so sorry," Jack wrapped his arms tightly around me and kissed my hair. He held me in his arms and looked at me. "This doesn't mean that we won't have children. We can adopt, we can figure something out. Or if it's just you and me, that's more than enough for me. Whatever you want to do. I love you. That's all I need." I nodded slowly and Jack wrapped his arms around me. "It's gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be okay, I promise."

I woke up a little later and glanced out the window to find Jack and Mia still outside but now, they were standing beside a fully formed snowman. Mia was sticking branches in the sides as arms while Jack placed pebbles in the shape of a smile. I smiled as I watched them; this was where I was always meant to be. This was where Mia and I belonged.