Chapter 21

February 10, 1921

Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin

It had been over a week since I found out about my pregnancy, and I had slowly accustomed to the idea of having a baby. Our situation was complicated, no doubt, but this baby was a miracle, wasn't it? I truly believed now that everything in my life had happened for a reason. I had to agree to marry Cal in order to meet Jack. I had to lose Jack to marry Cal and have Mia. I had to be misdiagnosed as infertile and deal with an abusive husband in order to reunite with the love of my life and have his child. It was sometimes hard to look at life that way, but I had to. I couldn't keep dwelling on the what ifs.

Nothing would ever be simple, I told myself. Nothing ever had been, and nothing ever would be. The important thing was that Mia and I were where we belonged. We had each other, and we had Jack. Little did Mia know, she would also be an older sister in about seven months. We would take life as it came at us. We would make each day count, as Jack once said, even if there was the threat of Cal eventually finding us.

Even if one day I did end up getting dragged back by Cal, having Jack for even just this time was a gift. Every day with Jack and Mia was a gift, one that I wouldn't waste just because of a distant threat. I would get out of bed everyday and spend every possible minute with the people I loved.

Today I would spend the day with Mia while Jack was at work. In Pittsburgh, spending the day with Mia would be an absolute gift, and now it was something I had every day. I hadn't started to take it for granted; I appreciated that I got to spend every day with my daughter and that I didn't have to cancel any other activities in order to make time for my daughter anymore. I didn't have to sneak around my own house anymore. I could live freely, able to do what I wanted to.

I opened my eyes and they quickly focused on the window to my right. The snow was still a foot deep outside, and the branches were weighed down by the snow. It looked idyllic; it was the perfect day to take Mia for a walk outside, even just around the house.

I rolled over expecting to see Jack laying next to me, but, much to my disappointment, he wasn't there. Instead, there was a folded up note with my name sprawled across the top:

Dearest Rose,

I had to go to work early this morning. I should be home at a reasonable hour, early enough to take care of dinner. I'm sorry I couldn't be here when you woke up, but I didn't have it in me to wake you, especially after Mia kept you up last night. I hope you have a wonderful day with Mia, and I look forward to seeing you both tonight.

With love,

Jack

I read the letter twice, picturing Jack leaning down over the night table to write the letter, then planting a light kiss on my lips as I slept. I smiled and held the letter against my chest. Jack went to work five days a week, so his leaving in the mornings wasn't new to me, yet I still missed him every minute.

A light knock at the door brought me back to my senses. I closed the letter and slid it into my bedside table drawer. "Come in," I smiled, knowing that it was Mia. The door opened and in she ran, pulling back the covers on Jack's side and climbing into bed next to me. "Good morning," I whispered, holding her in my arms. "How did you sleep?"

"Good," she whispered, resting her head on me as I tightened my arm around her. I watched as she rubbed her eyes with her hands in fists, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She put one of her hands over her mouth and yawned, scrunching her eyes closed. Mia often seemed a lot older than her age, but I realized in this moment how young she still was, how easily she could still fit in one of my arms, how innocent she still was in so many ways.

Thinking back to when she was a baby or even a toddler, she had grown in so many ways. While it made my heart burst with joy to see her grow and mature, I felt a pang of sadness in my heart seeing how fast time was flying by. Mia would never be a baby again, one who would only sleep against my warm chest, who would giggle at my funny faces, who was completely oblivious to the darkness of the world she lived in. I sometimes wished I could go back and have just one more day with Mia while she was a baby.

Back then, no one was able to get her to sleep other than me. Nurses would try and fail; I would hear Mia's wails and pick her up. Within only a moment of being in my arms, she would calm down. I would take her back to my room and recline on the bed, resting her small little body on my chest. She would fuss for a moment once I put her there, but soon enough she would calm down and sleep.

I wouldn't dare move. I would lay there for hours, just enjoying the closeness to this creature that was once a part of me, memorizing every feature, every dimple, every movement. I knew then that time would fly, as every mother told me it would, but it couldn't go that fast, could it?

It could, and it did, I knew that now. It felt as if I had blinked and that helpless newborn was now an inquisitive, observant, beautiful little girl. I loved who she became, and she was absolutely perfect, as far as I was concerned. I loved every single thing about her, how could I not? She was the best thing that I had ever done.

I played with one of Mia's curls, smiling as I admired her. "What should we do today?" I asked. I could just lay here next to her all day, holding her close to me, staring at her, but that probably would not be much fun for Mia, who loved to do different activities.

"Does your tummy hurt today?" Mia asked. She knew that I was experiencing stomach pains, morning sickness, one of the symptoms of my pregnancy. Mia still didn't know about the pregnancy, that she was going to be an older sister, that soon enough there would be a baby in the house. Jack had been encouraging me to tell her, but I just couldn't.

I was afraid to tell Mia about the pregnancy in case I miscarried. If I lost the baby, it would be heartbreaking for me, but it would also break Mia. I couldn't bear to picture the look on Mia's face when we told her what happened. I was also worried about how she would react. How could I explain to her that I was pregnant, that I was having a baby, without her asking impossible questions?

I didn't know when I would tell Mia, and I certainly didn't know how. For the time being, I told her that I was just a little sick, but that I would be alright. She believed it; after all, she had no reason not to.

"My stomach's okay right now," I answered, a smile tugging at my lips. Mia and I were both on our sides, facing each other, and she was wrapped in my arms. She leaned closer and touched her little lips against mine.

She wasn't the only one to kiss me anymore, but it didn't make it any less special. I knew that one day she'd be older, that the thought of kissing her mother would make her uncomfortable, and that was okay. For now, it could be something we did, and then it'd be something I would remember fondly.

"Can we build a snowman?" Mia asked, smiling. "Jack and I built one yesterday while you were sleeping and it was so big! When I looked out my window it was already gone."

"It probably fell apart because of the wind," I smiled. "But guess what? We can build a new one!" Mia giggled and nodded. I started tickling her, and she squirmed in my arms as her laughs echoed. "Come on, let's get some breakfast."

We both got out of bed and went downstairs to start a fire. Jack had taught me how, though he often made them himself. It's all about putting newspaper in with the wood, so I've learned.

After making the fire, I lifted Mia into my arms and placed her on the kitchen counter. It was getting harder to lift her now, and I wondered if it was because I was getting more tired or if it was because Mia was growing. Still, while I used to be able to climb the stairs with her balanced on my hip, I could now only lift her for a moment before needing to put her down again.

"What should we make?" I asked, brushing a curl out of my face.

Mia had told me the other day that she liked my hair better down, and I agreed with her. Having my hair in an updo was far too pretentious for my liking. Jack, I remembered, wrapped his arm around my waist and brought his lips to my ear. "I like it too," he whispered, close enough that I could feel his breath against me, as goosebumps spread across my body.

A smile crept up as I thought of Jack, as I thought of all the playful and wonderful things he always did. It still felt strange at times that I had a partner now, someone who I was in love with, someone who would tell me every day how much he loved me. It was strange in the most wonderful way.

"Can I just have toast?" Mia asked. I smiled and kissed her cheek, grabbing the bread to make while also putting the kettle on the stove to make tea.

After making Mia's breakfast and my tea (I was far too nauseous to eat), we sat down at the table. "Mia," I began, staring down at my tea. Nerves filled me as pressure fell onto my chest. "Do you like living here? I mean, compared to living with your father."

Mia nodded happily. "I love living here," she answered. She smiled at me for a moment, and I smiled back, but suddenly her smile disappeared and was replaced by a sad and anxious face. Tears gathered in her eyes as she spoke. "We don't have to go back, do we?"

"Oh, no, no!" I quickly answered, desperate to put her at ease. "Mia, we're not going back there." I patted my leg, inviting her to sit on my lap, and she did. I wrapped my arm around her, positioning her sideways on my lap so I could still see her. "I just wanted to ask you if you liked it here, that's all."

"Oh, okay," Mia answered, the anxiety and fear disappeared from her eyes, and she finally relaxed against me. In that moment, I knew that no matter how dangerous it was that Cal could find us, Mia was better off here. That was all I needed to know: that my baby was safe and happy. "I love it here. I love Jack, and I love the bunnies, and I love building snowmen!" I chuckled under my breath as Mia lifted her head off of my chest. "But I mostly love it here because I get to be with you every day."

"Aww, Mia," I whispered, holding her in a tight hug. "I love spending every day with you too." I kissed the top of her head, holding her as close as I could. "We're never going back there, Mia. I promise." Perhaps that was a promise I couldn't make, but I meant it. I at least knew that Mia would never end up back there. I would make sure of it.

•••

As I gathered our coats, gloves, and hats from the closet, Mia looked for a carrot for the snowman's nose. "What does Jack usually do for the snowman's eyes and smile?"

"We take pebbles from the side of the house," Mia answered, skipping back over to me. I helped her into her coat and buttoned it up to the top. "You're choking me," she whined.

"I'm sorry, baby, but it's cold outside! I don't want you to get sick," I leaned forward and kissed her cheek, then attempted to loosen her collar. "Is that better?" I asked.

Mia nodded, putting out her hands for her gloves. I slid them onto her hands, then repeated the process with my own coat and gloves. I opened the door, letting Mia out first, then closing it behind me. Immediately, Mia started gathering some snow to shape into a ball, the way Jack had taught her.

I helped a little bit with the snowman building, but I mostly just watched how happy Mia was playing in the snow. She was free, unrestrained both physically and emotionally. I hoped this baby would grow up the way Mia was now, happy and loved, the way Jack promised me they would. Even so, there was a bit of doubt in the back of my mind that our whole life could come tumbling down in an instant. "Mommy?" Mia interrupted my train of thought. "Can you bring me that branch?"

"Sure," I smiled, reaching up to the tree to grab a branch. As I did, I felt something cold hit me right in the middle of my back. I turned around to look at Mia, who had a mischievous smile spread from ear to ear. "Did you just throw a snowball at me?" She didn't answer my question, but her smile and slow nod was enough for me. "Oh, you are dead!" I joked, running over to her and lifting her into my arms. I tickled and made her laugh until I was too tired to continue.

I placed Mia back on the ground, catching my breath for a moment. I put my hand against my stomach for comfort. "Mommy?" Mia looked up at me sadly. "Are you okay?"

I looked at her and nodded. "I'm fine, sweetie, I promise." She looked so scared, and I realized in that moment that her thinking I was sick was taking a toll on her. How could I let her think I was ill when instead, she could know that I was fine? She could be excited about the fact that she was going to have a baby brother or sister! How could I deprive her of that joy and excitement just because there was a chance of something happening. I reached out my hand for hers. "Let's go back to the house. I want to tell you something exciting."

•••

Mia and I shed our large coats and gloves and settled in front of the fire. I had her on my lap, wanting to be as close to her as possible. "Mia, sweetheart," I began, "Would you ever want a brother or sister?" I was nervous for her to answer, I had given her the perfect opportunity to say no, that she liked things the way they were.

"I don't know," she answered, leaning back against me. "I think it would be nice to have an older sister." She looked up at me and smiled. I tried to stifle my laughter, knowing that that was the one thing I couldn't give her.

"Okay," I said, trying to figure out what to say next. This would be a big deal for her, no matter how I put it. Here we go, I thought to myself. Just this one final step and everything was out in the open. I hoped she would be happy, I hoped the rest of my pregnancy would be smooth sailing, but I didn't know for sure. "I can't exactly give you an older sister, but you're going to have a baby brother or sister."

Mia gasped. "I am?" she asked. "I'm gonna be a big sister?"

I smiled and nodded, holding her tightly. "Yes, you are," I whispered, overjoyed by her reaction to the news. Mia's reaction made me realize once again how incredible this was. We would figure everything out, like Jack promised, even if things were not always easy.

"Where is the baby?" Mia asked.

I touched the tiny, almost unnoticeable bump and smiled. "Right here," I told her. Slowly, Mia reached out her hand and placed it on my stomach, right where mine was. I guided it to the right place and watched as she smiled. "Do you feel that?" I asked.

Mia nodded. "That's a baby? It's so small!"

I laughed and touched her cheek. "Yes, it is small now, but it'll grow and grow and then it'll be born!" We smiled at each other: Mia was amazed by what was going on, and I was just amazed by her ability to make everything good. "That's why I've been more tired and sick lately, but everything is fine, I promise you that."

Mia smiled and leaned against me again. I wrapped my arms around her, noting that I had both of my children in my arms. Children… what an odd thought. Mia turned slightly to look at me. "Jack is this baby's father?" She asked.

I nodded. "Y-yes, he is." Oh goodness, if this had turned into a conversation about where babies really came from, I might not have made it.

Mia turned a little more to look at me. "Why can't Jack be my father too?" As she stared at me, I could see the sadness in her eyes as she wished for something that she was sure she couldn't have. She could have it, though. She already did, really. I knew that biology didn't matter, not with Jack, and I also knew that Jack loved her as if she was his own.

"Sweetie-" I began, but just as I started to speak, Jack came rushing into the house. There was something about his urgency, his facial expressions, that told me that something was terribly wrong. "Mia, can you please go get your book from the kitchen?" Mia nodded and jumped off my lap, skipping away. I stood up, rushing over to him. "Jack, what is it?"

"I-I was in the town square and I ran back here as soon as I saw…" he panted, exhausted from running.

My heart pounded in my chest. "Jack, out with it. Saw what?" I asked.

"H-He's here," Jack stared at me, his eyes filled with fear. "Cal… He found us."