Chapter 24
February 17, 1921
Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin
I tossed and turned all night, unable to sleep. It was strange, I had slept alone my entire life, for twenty eight years. I had grown accustomed to sleeping in a bed with someone else, someone I loved. I had grown accustomed to being able to reach my arms out and hold her close to me. Now, when I did it, it was just empty space where she used to lay.
Once Rose and I had found each other again, I didn't think I'd ever sleep alone again. I didn't really think Cal would ever find her or drag her back to Pittsburgh. Denial, I suppose. Even that night, my first night without her, I hadn't fully absorbed the fact that she was gone forever, that I wouldn't see her again. I wouldn't be able to hold her in my arms, to kiss her, to whisper in her ear that I loved her as she was falling asleep, to see her smile ever so slightly in response. It was all over.
I missed Rose immeasurably, and longing for her consumed my thoughts. My mind was a constant montage of memories, playing moments where we cuddled in front of the fire, mornings when I would wake up next to her and immediately smile, realizing that she was real, that she was laying next to me, and that I would never lose her again... or so I'd hoped.
Although living without her seemed impossible, I was far more worried about Rose than myself, who was being dragged back to a life she ran away from by a man who had abused her. She survived in that house the first time because she had Mia, who kept her happy even on her darkest days. It pained me to know that she was all alone there now, with no one to look out for her.
It took all of my strength to stay where I was, to resist the urge to take a train straight to Pittsburgh to take her back where she belonged, with Mia and me. I wished I could hold her in my arms and protect her from everything that stood in the way of her happiness and freedom. I had lost again, and I wasn't the only one affected: Rose was in danger, and Mia had lost her mother.
The sound of Mia's voice pulled me out of my thoughts. "M-Mommy," I heard her call. "Mommy, Mommy!" She continued to call for Rose, crying louder and louder as time passed.
I jumped out of bed as quick as I could, running next door to her bedroom. Mia was laying in bed, tossing and turning, crying hysterically. "Mia," I ran over and sat on the edge of the bed. "Mia, wake up, you're having a nightmare." I knew from my own nightmares that slowly my words would sink in and she would wake up.
Finally, her eyes opened, and she stared at me in horror. "Where's Mommy?"
My heart broke all over again. A week had passed since Rose left, and Mia had asked me countless times where Rose was and why she wasn't there anymore. She knew that Rose was dragged back by Cal, that Rose hadn't voluntarily left her, but when she woke up from her nightmares in tears, it took her a moment to remember what had happened. "Oh…" Mia looked down.
I reached over and wiped her tears from her cheeks. I constantly found myself wondering what Rose would do in every situation. This time, I knew what she would do… what she would want me to do. "How about I tuck you back in and sit with you until you fall asleep?"
"What if I have another bad dream?" Mia asked. Her eyes were filled with tears threatening to spill. She was so young, so innocent, so undeserving of everything she had gone through. I wished more than anything I could give her her mother back and promise her that everything would be alright.
I paused, scanning the room, my eyes finally settling on the old rocking chair in the corner. "How about this," I began. "I'll be in that chair if you need me. And if you have another bad dream or need anything, you wake me. Okay?" Mia slowly nodded. "Good, now lay down," she did, and I pulled the blanket back over her, right up to her chin. "Close your eyes."
She finally did, and once again, I took note of how little she really was. She was so small, tiny, really. She had large blue eyes, Rose's eyes, that radiated a certain light that you only find in a child. She had Rose's smile too, one that lit up the rest of her face. She was only five years old, about to be six. That was far too young to be worrying about a toxic household with an abusive father, her mother being taken from her, and being left with someone she hardly knew. I knew I was all she had now, that Rose wanted me to take care of her, that I was infinitely better than Cal, but I knew nothing about being a father.
I could tell now that she was asleep. Her head was sunken into the pillow, her eyes were sealed shut, and her breathing was steady. "Good night, Mia," I whispered. I stood up and walked over to the rocking chair. I sat back and closed my eyes, absolutely exhausted. Every night since Rose left, Mia had woken up with nightmares, and she would cry and call for Rose. And every night, I had to break her heart and remind her that Rose was gone.
I couldn't fix any of that right now. All I could do was look out for Mia and take care of her the way Rose would have wanted me to. While she was asleep I had to sleep myself, not obsess over how much I wanted Rose here or how much it hurt that she was trapped there and that she would miss watching Mia growing up. Eventually, I started drifting off…
I was in the entryway of my house, right by the front door. I walked inside, everything around me seeming somewhat hazy. It was absolutely silent, empty. "Hello?" I said loudly, trying to figure out if anyone was there. My voice simply echoed and wasn't followed by any response.
As I moved further into the house, I saw a figure standing in the living room. It was a girl, dressed in a white simple dress, facing away from me. I recognized her immediately. "Clara?" My voice was caught in my throat.
The girl turned around, her blonde hair bouncing as she did so. She smiled at me, and I knew then for sure that it was Clara. "Hi, Jack." I would recognize her voice anywhere. She looked exactly the same as she did before… before she died, and her voice was the same as well.
I ran over to her and pulled her into my arms, holding her in a tight hug. She even felt real. "I missed you, Clara," I whispered, as I refused to let go. I hadn't realized just how much I had missed her until moments like these, when she appeared.
I finally released her, and watched as she turned around. Her eyes settled downward, and I saw what she was looking at. It was Mia, standing in the living room doorway. "Hey," Clara smiled, walking over to her. "Hi Mia. I'm Clara, Jack's sister." Mia lifted her arms, and Clara lifted her off the ground. "Wanna sit on my lap?" Mia nodded, and Clara sat down on the couch with Mia on her lap.
Clara allowed Mia to play with one of her hands, the way Rose often did. "So, Jack…" Clara looked down as she spoke. "How are you?" She looked up at me suddenly, and my heart broke.
"I-I'm… well…" I didn't know how to answer her. Things were amazing for so long, but now all of that was lost. Everything in my life had ended in tragedy, and I didn't know how much more of it I could take.
"I know," Clara sighed, looking back down at Mia. "I know how much you've been through, and I'm sorry. But you know…" she looked up at me. "I'm always with you."
"What do you mean, you know what I've been through?" I asked, knitting my eyebrows.
"Jack," Clara looked at me all-knowing. She was a year older than me, but she often acted like it was a decade between us. "I've been with you all this time," she replied. "I've been watching you all these years, I've been keeping an eye on you. I saw everything that happened on Titanic, and with Rose and Mia. I know things are hard now."
"I just don't know what to do, Clara," I sighed, looking down. I looked back up at her sadly. "Mia's heartbroken over Rose being gone. She hasn't been eating or sleeping, she's not herself. And Rose is trapped there, God knows what that asshole is doing to her, and she's missing her daughter's whole life."
"And you?" Clara asked, arching an eyebrow. "You lost yet another person you loved, and not only has that broken your heart, but it makes you think of me." She was able to read my mind whenever I tried to hide something from her. Sometimes it was annoying, to never have a thought that she didn't know, but sometimes it helped for someone to know how I felt without me needing to say it. "Am I close?"
I looked down, nodding slowly. "You're right," I sighed, looking down. "I just… I miss her so much, Clara. I miss everything about her: the way she smiled, the way she laughed, the way she made the house brighter somehow… the way she made me a better person every day."
"Mmm," Clara nodded, smiling as she stared at the floor. "I know what that feeling is like," she looked up at me, and I instantly knew who she was talking about. David.
I didn't want to tell her that he was now married to Bella, her best friend, but I thought I had to. I wrung my hands nervously. "Um, Clara, about that-"
"I know," Clara smiled sadly. "I know he's with Bella now." She quickly wiped a tear from her eye. I wrapped an arm around her, but she pulled away and stood up, walking away. I followed her upstairs to her room, where she stood looking at a drawing I made of her and David.
I sat down on her bed, looking at her. I noticed her sudden sadness. "Clara-"
"I'm okay, Jack," Clara smiled, setting down the drawing and sitting next to me. "I'm with Ma and Pa, I still check on you, David, and Bella all the time…" she looked down. "It was… quick." She looked up at me. "And I know that if that didn't happen, you wouldn't have met Rose, and you wouldn't have Mia." I nodded, realizing she was right. "As for David… I loved him more than anything, Jack, and you know what that's like now. I want David to be happy, to have someone to love him and take care of him, even if it can't be me. I know that if anything ever happened to you, you'd want the same for Rose." Clara looked at me and I nodded. "I really did think you'd end up with Bella."
I smiled. "I never had feelings for her," I admitted. "I always thought I did at least a little, but now that I know what love is, Rose was the only one." I smiled at the thought of her, then frowned, realizing she was gone. "I miss her."
"I know you do, and you always will," Clara smiled sadly. "But listen to me, Jack. You have Mia now, and you need to put her first. You can show her that you're sad, show her that it's okay to be sad, but you also need to show her that it's possible to be happy despite everything, because it is. You're a perfect example of that."
"I know," I sighed. "She's amazing though, isn't she?"
Clara nodded. "She's beautiful," she smiled. "I always thought you'd be a good father, Jack. And you really are." She placed her hand on top of mine. "You have everything you need to be an amazing father to Mia, and the baby." She hit my arm lightly. "Congratulations, by the way. You might wanna make my room a nursery. No use forcing your children to share a room so this room can stay a shrine to me."
"It may be a bit soon for that," I sighed. "Rose is gone, which means the baby's gone. I don't know what's gonna happen. If he finds out she's pregnant… I can't even imagine what he'll do to her."
"Oh please," Clara rolled her eyes. "She'll be back, Jack. You know that she'll do anything to get back to you and Mia. I know she'll be back... She'll be back."
Those three words echoed in my ears as I woke up. I opened my eyes, and standing next to me was Mia. She was shaking my hand to wake me up, and I smiled at her. "Good morning," I rubbed my eyes, remembering the dream I just had. "Are you alright?"
Mia nodded. "I can't sleep," she said quietly. She looked a bit afraid, though I didn't know what she was afraid of. She knew me well by now, she had woken me up more times than I could count.
"That's okay," I smiled. "Should we go make some breakfast?" Mia shrugged, when in the past, she would've given an enthusiastic nod. "I think we should," I said, standing up. I put out my hand and she took it. "Let's go find something to eat."
We walked downstairs to the kitchen. I walked in right after Mia, staring at the spot where Rose stood helping me with the dishes before we had our second first kiss, when we ended up back together. I turned to the left, where the stove was, and remembered times when I'd be cooking, and Rose's arms would suddenly wrap around me, and her head would rest on my shoulder. Chills ran up my spine just thinking about that.
I pulled myself out of my thoughts and looked down at Mia, who was just staring up at me. I smiled down at her. "Come here," I lifted her into my arms and placed her on the counter. "What do you want for breakfast?"
"I'm not hungry," Mia said quietly, staring at me with sad eyes.
I sighed, leaning against the counter perpendicular to Mia's. "You have to eat something, Mia." We had this exact conversation every morning. Mia never wanted to eat, and I told her she had to eat something. I never wanted to force her to do anything, but I couldn't sit by and watch her not eat.
Mia's health and wellbeing was deteriorating rapidly. She was refusing to eat, play games, anything but sit on the couch with her stuffed bunny. She would constantly cry, and I desperately wished I could do something to help her. All I could do was be there for her, take care of her. But this would never go away, I was convinced. Rose was never coming back, and Mia would always want her back.
"What if I make you grilled cheese?" I asked. It probably wasn't right to give her grilled cheese for breakfast, but I was out of options. If giving her grilled cheese for breakfast got her to eat, it was worth it.
Mia shook her head, staring at the floor. My heart broke watching Mia; the little girl I had grown to love was now gone, and in her place was this hollow shell. Everything about who Mia was had disappeared. When I made breakfast, Mia always sat on the kitchen counter and kicked her legs back and forth, telling me about what she wanted to do that day or what dream she had the night before. Now, she didn't kick her legs back and forth, and she didn't speak.
When Mia used to wake me up in the morning, she would cheerfully knock on the door and jump on the bed between Rose and I. She would squirm into Rose's arms and giggle constantly. Now, she slowly walked over to me and touched my hand, almost afraid.
Mia's favorite thing to do was build snowmen, and now, I couldn't get her to go outside at all. She used to chase the dog around the house, and now she left him alone. She used to read books and play games, and now she didn't. It was clear that Mia couldn't be Mia without Rose.
I decided to make some toast for her and just beg her to take a few bites. I held out the plate. "Please, Mia," I begged. "You have to eat something. Please." I didn't know what to do. What would Rose do?
Well, Rose would never have been in this situation in the first place. Rose would never have to deal with this version of Mia. "I'm trying to take care of you Mia. And in order to do that, you need to eat something." Mia finally gave up and took the plate from me, taking a bite of the toast. "Thank you."
"Do you have to go back to work today?" Mia asked. I had taken off the entire week to take care of Mia, which was easy to do since I had a boss who liked me and was understanding once I explained what had happened. Mia's presence wasn't a secret anymore, since Cal had already found out where Rose and Mia were hiding.
I did have to go back to work today. I had already taken a week off, and I couldn't take off work forever; I had to go back at some point. "I do," I said quietly. I didn't want to upset Mia, and I didn't want to leave her in this state, but I had no choice. "But you're going to be with Bella. You remember Bella, right?" She nodded. "Well, you're going to be with her today, just for a little while, and then I'll be with you all night."
For the next hour, I got Mia dressed and ready, I packed up everything that she could want for the day, I got dressed myself, and I walked with Mia over to David and Bella's house. It was a short walk, since they lived very close by. I knocked on the door, and Bella opened it. "Hi," she smiled. I had told her about the problems I was having with Mia, and she was trying to help me any way she could. She knelt down to Mia. "Hi, Mia."
I walked inside with her, setting her up with a toy in the living room. "Thank you for doing this," I whispered to Bella, and she nodded. I walked back over to Mia. "I'm going to go now, Mia. But I'll be back later, I promise."
"No!" Mia whined, walking back over to me and grabbing my leg. I lifted her into my arms and held her close. "I don't want you to go." Tears ran down her cheeks. "Please don't leave." I sighed sadly, not knowing what to do. I looked over at Bella, who looked down at the floor and sighed. Seeing Mia like this broke us both.
"Okay, I won't leave yet, I'll stay for a few more minutes," I told her. I needed to talk to Bella, to figure out what to do. "Why don't you go back to your game?" She hesitated, refusing to let go. "I promise, I won't leave without telling you." She let go, and I placed her back on the ground. "What the hell do I do, Bella?" I asked. "She's… she doesn't talk, she doesn't eat, she doesn't sleep much, she doesn't play… I just don't know what to do."
Bella paused for a moment. She was leaning against the door frame of the living room, her eyes glued to Mia. "Okay, here's what we're going to do," she turned to face me. "You're going to take today off too. I'm going to ask David if he can either cover your shift or talk to your boss. I'm going to bring Oliver over, hopefully he and Mia can play together, become friends. Maybe if they're friends, she'll be more willing to let you go to work." I looked down, feeling absolutely awful. Bella put her hand on my shoulder. "I know it's hard, Jack. I can see how you're struggling with this, and I can see that Mia is too. I think this could help, at least a little bit. It's worth a shot, isn't it?"
I took a deep breath, then nodded. "I guess so." I looked at Mia and smiled ever so slightly. I turned to Bella and gave her a hug. "Thank you for everything, Bella. I really mean it." I walked back over to Mia and smiled. "How about I stay home with you for one more day?"
Mia gasped and smiled. "You're staying?" She asked. It was the first time I had seen her smile since Rose left. She wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me tightly.
•••
Mia and I had arrived at home. I hoped things would work out this afternoon with Mia and Oliver, that Mia would have someone her own age to play with. I knew nothing would ever be fixed, that Mia would miss Rose forever, that I would never be able to fill the void, but I was desperate to help Mia any way I could.
Bella brought Oliver over a few minutes later. Bella and I introduced them to each other and set them up with a game. Bella was keeping an eye on them while I made coffees. I brought them back to her and sat next to her. "Thank you for doing this," I said quietly, watching the children play. "I'm lost, Bella. I'm in over my head here. I mean… I've been alone for most of my life. I can't be a father!"
She chuckled under her breath. "Jack…" she looked at me and arched an eyebrow. "You've been that girl's father for months, even if you didn't realize it. You woke up early every day and made her breakfast, you built snowmen with her, you read her stories, played games, bought her toys… if that's not being a father, I don't know what is."
"That was when Rose was here," I said. "Now that she's gone, not only am I the only parent, but Mia isn't who she used to be. Mia's… Mia may never be the same, Bella, and I don't know what to do about it. It's only been a week since Rose left, and I just don't know what to do!"
"You have to cut yourself some slack," Bella sighed. "You've been taking care of her for a week. How could you possibly know what you're doing? You're new to this, and you're in an impossible situation. Look, Rose would be so grateful for the way you're taking care of Mia."
I nodded. "She's pregnant." Bella's jaw dropped. "Yeah, I know. Great timing, right?" Bella smiled sadly, and I continued. "She was told she wouldn't be able to have more children. That's why things were so bad with her husband. When he finds out that she's pregnant, he'll never let her go, and she'll be stuck with him."
"Oh god." Bella covered her mouth with her hand. "Jack, I'm so sorry."
Just as I was about to respond, Mia and Oliver started talking to each other. They were playing with separate toys: Mia had her bunny while Oliver was playing with building blocks. Mia looked up at him. "Bella's your mommy?" she asked him suddenly.
Oliver nodded. "That's my mommy." He motioned towards Bella.
"Oh," Mia looked down at her bunny. "I don't think I have a mommy anymore."
Tears blurred my vision as I looked down at the floor. Bella heard what Mia said and could see the look on my face. She placed her hand on my arm. "Jack…"
I looked at her and shrugged. "She's right," I whispered so Mia wouldn't hear me. "Rose is gone forever. Mia may never see her again." I shrugged sadly. "She's right, and there's nothing I can do about it."
Bella pulled me into a hug. "I'm so sorry, Jack."
•••
Bella took Oliver home a few hours later, leaving Mia and I in the house again. Mia was sitting on the couch holding her bunny. I had just made her grilled cheese, even though she said that she wasn't hungry.
I placed the plate on the table in the living room and sat next to Mia. "Do you want to take a couple of bites?" I asked, and Mia shook her head. I looked down and sighed. "Okay, come here." I lifted Mia and placed her on my leg, so she could face me. "What if I read you a book, any book you want, and you take a few bites of grilled cheese?"
Mia looked up at me sadly. "Okay."
I smiled, grabbed a book, and started to read. Mia ate her grilled cheese, the entire grilled cheese, and fell asleep against me. I closed the book and lifted her into my arms, carrying her up to bed. I pulled the blanket over her and whispered good night.
"Jack?" I looked back at Mia and saw that she was awake. I sat down next to her on the bed. "I miss Mommy," she whispered, tears running down her cheeks.
"Oh, Mia," I sighed, touching her cheek. "I know you do." She started to cry harder. "Come here." I pulled her into my arms and held her close. "Shh, shh, it's okay."
I held her until she fell asleep, then placed her back in bed. I went downstairs and found the newspaper from this morning that I hadn't read. I was too tired to read, but I was too awake to sleep. I picked up the newspaper and collapsed onto the couch, untying the string that kept it in a roll.
The newspaper unrolled, and on the first page. I saw the headline on the first page and gasped, covering my mouth. "Oh my god," I covered my mouth with my hand.
Rose Hockley of Pittsburgh - Dead at Twenty Five
I couldn't read any further. I closed the newspaper and cried into my hands. Rose was dead? How was that possible? Well I knew what happened, though the newspaper didn't say it. The paper would probably say that she died of some mysterious illness, but I knew what really happened: Hockley did something to her.
