Chapter 6
"You're just trying to get out of taking me to Bartoli's", Hailey teased.
"I'm gonna be flying crooked for a few days. Cut me some slack", Jay laughed as they walked through his front door.
"Fair", Hailey replied.
Jay attempted to take off his coat independently but caved and let Hailey jump in like she did with helping him put in on. "Here, let me give you a hand with that", she said as she gently removed his arm from his right sleeve and hung up his coat in the front closet.
"Thanks", Jay replied, appearing winded at the small task. The pain medication was starting to wear off.
"Why don't you go sit on the couch, I'll make us a tea", Hailey suggested, Jay nodding in agreement.
She returned a few minutes later, to find Jay sitting upright with his eyes closed, his right hand up protectively over the ribs on his left side.
"How are you feeling?" She prodded, starting to see the paleness coming back to his face, curious if he would tell her the truth or not.
"Not great", Jay replied honestly, watching Hailey spring up to try and make him more comfortable with pillows and the ice pack.
"I'll be fine Hailey, really. This isn't necessary", he told her, hating being a bother to anyone.
"Jay you're hurt. Please just put your ego aside for once and let me take care of you", she replied.
He looked at her, flashed her the puppy dog eyes for just a second. "Okay, it hurts a lot", he laughed, then immediately winced.
"I know it does. Tell me where", Hailey came around to his side, gently cupping the back of his neck with her hand.
"Shoulder. My back is sore too."
Hailey disappeared to find a fresh ice pack.
Jay sat on the couch for a while, trying to take his mind off the pain. Hailey was helping but he was so uncomfortable, and he was getting in his head. The last time he hurt his shoulder like this was in a different car accident. He was getting anxious as to when Hailey would bring it up.
"So, are we ready to talk about the elephant in the room?" Hailey asked him.
Jay's heart started to race; he wasn't sure he was ready. He was feeling the aftereffects of the pain medicine, his anxiety through the roof as it was.
"Hmm?" He asked.
"The job offer", Hailey stated as if it were so obvious. Noted, she does not want to talk about the accident, he thought.
"Oh, ya of course", Jay smiled through the nerves. "So?"
"I've decided to come home", she smiled, holding eye contact with him for as long as she could, she couldn't get a read on the expression he was holding back.
"Really?! That's awesome Hails. Happy to have you back", Jay smiled, trying to control his excitement, he didn't want to appear too eager.
"Yeah, I start Monday. So, surprise, I'm here for the long haul", Hailey grinned, a little disappointed he didn't seem as excited as she was. Things could be normal for them again, or progress into something more even.
"What about your stuff in New York?" Jay asked.
"I'll fly back next weekend and get it all packed up, bring back as much as I can, then ship the rest over here. The firm is paying for all of that anyways", she explained.
"Nice, so you aren't leaving me again", Jay smirked.
Hailey gave him a questioning look, "Hey I never left you. You were the one who left me."
Summer 2003
"Jay honey it's time to go!" Kate shouted from downstairs.
The Halstead's had been working up to this. Will was off to college nearby; Jay was about to ship out to basic training. Pat had been unhappy about his decision and did not hide it. He and Jay had been butting heads all summer. Jay was a bit relieved to be going.
"Jay he's just covering up for the fact that he's worried about you and going to miss you."
"Sure", Jay grunted back under his breath.
There was an awkward silence in their front entry, Pat had gone outside to start loading the car.
"Is Hailey going to come by?" Kate fished, there was something weird going on between the two of them, she suspected it had everything to do with Jay leaving.
Hailey was going to college in town, living in residence for the first year. Jay and Hailey were attached at the hip, but the last few weeks Hailey hadn't been around as much.
"Um, I'm not sure. She's probably really busy packing too", Jay replied, shielding himself from the sadness he was going to feel if she really didn't come to say good-bye. They wouldn't see each other until Christmas.
Kate walked up to Jay, raising his chin so his eyes met hers.
"It's only a few months. Time is going to fly by, you're both going to be so busy. She'll be here", she reassured him.
Jay fidgeted on the spot, uncharacteristic for him, Kate noted. He nodded and continued packing his bag.
Ten minutes later, a familiar knock sounded at the door.
Jay opened it, smiling, and a bit relieved, seeing his best friend on the other side.
"You didn't actually think I wasn't going to come say good-bye right?" Hailey smirked, seeing the obvious relief spread across Jay's face.
He laughed and immediately changed his facial expression, knowing he showed his hand.
"No never, I knew you wouldn't break my heart like that", Jay replied cheekily.
Hailey raised her eyebrows jokingly, motioning him to come outside on the porch.
Kate and Pat hung back in the house, the former smiling at the latter.
"Kate please don't cry", Pat told his wife as he started to see her eyes welling up.
"One minute they were just babies and now- look", Kate started to let the emotion of the day bubble up.
"I know. But they're ready to spread their wings. And hopefully, one day, they'll fly back home together", Pat replied, about as sappy as he's ever been, foreshadowing the future for them.
Hailey and Jay took a seat on the front step, like they have time and time again through the years.
"How come you didn't show at the park last night?" Jay asked after a minute of somewhat uncomfortable silence, unable to hide the hurt in his voice.
Hailey caught it but didn't call him on it. "I'm sorry. I had to pack. We had a big family dinner, I forgot." That wasn't the real reason and they both knew it, but Jay didn't bite.
"That's okay. I'm glad you're here now", he smiled nervously.
"I'm gonna miss you", Hailey blurted out, her heart pounding.
Jay looked at her, expecting a witty comment after that, but it didn't come. Hailey was getting emotional and he hated seeing her like this. The gravity of their situation was finally sinking in. They had never been apart from each other for more than a week or so. Now they would be apart for months, maybe more. They didn't even bring up the fact that Jay would eventually be deployed, that was too much to carry right now. Everything was changing.
"Hey. Look at me. You are going to have an amazing freshman year, meet lots of friends, kill it on the track team, you'll meet a guy…. I'll probably hate him", Jay laughed and so did Hailey as she fought through the tears streaming down her face.
"Sounds like you", Hailey laughed and sniffed, wiping a stray tear, just as Jay's parents stepped outside, heading towards the car. They apologized for interrupting.
"Well…I guess this is it…", Hailey breathed in heavily. Jay was starting to feel the tears form in his eyes too. They both stood up off the front step, their lives about to change forever.
He cleared his throat. "I wish you could come with me", he flashed her his boyish grin, his freckles on full display in the late August sun.
"Don't forget about me while you're out there saving the world okay Jay Halstead?" Hailey said to him.
"Impossible to forget you Hailey Upton", Jay replied, so many layers of emotion hidden in his statement, hidden behind his eyes, she saw them all.
He pulled her in for one last hug, holding her tight for what felt like an eternity. Her arms were wrapped around his waist, her hand gently sliding up and down his back. He planted a kiss on top of her head before pulling away.
Their hands lingered together before he left for good, getting into the car with his parents, silent the whole way to the airport.
She waved as they drove off, making note of his face in the window. That same boyish grin, wouldn't be the same the next time she saw him, it would harden and fade over time.
"Ugh I get goosebumps just thinking about that", Hailey admitted, feeling all sorts of emotions reliving their first real good-bye, one of many over the years.
"That was the worst good-bye. Well they were all hard, but the first one especially, was tough…", Jay trailed off.
"It was. But I did always enjoy your phone calls on the weekend, on landlines- before we had cell phones. And that time you surprised me at my dorm just before Christmas break. My roommates were swooning over you", Hailey giggled at the thought.
"Who is THAT", Lily asked Amanda, as they both gawked, watching a tall handsome man dressed in Army fatigues knock on Hailey's door.
Hailey opened the door, her face lit up at the sight of this mysterious stranger on the other side. Her hands coming up to touch his short hair. She jumped into his arms and he held her like that in the doorway for a few minutes as they whispered to each other.
As Jay set her down, Hailey took note of his broader shoulders, and newly formed muscles. He had filled out since she saw him last. Before she got too preoccupied with that thought, she made eye contact with her neighbours across the hall and smiled.
"Lily, Amanda- this is my best friend Jay!" She introduced him. God, even his smile was attractive, the two girls thought as they waved back and introduced themselves, grinning the whole time.
Hailey raised her eyebrows at the girls, winking as she closed the door behind them.
"They seem nice", Jay replied, looking around her dorm room.
"They are. I think they like you", Hailey laughed as she rolled her eyes.
"Who wouldn't Lails", Jay quipped back, earning a shove on the shoulder from Hailey.
"Ya, ya. Mister 'I wear my Army fatigues for attention from pretty women' now", Hailey joked, sticking out her tongue as Jay gently shoved her right back. It was like no time had passed.
"What's a guy gotta do to get a welcome home", Jay pretended to be hurt, immediately laughing, unable to keep a straight face.
"Okay, okay. I admit it- I'm happy to see you. Do your parents know you're back?" Hailey asked.
"Not yet, was hoping you could help me surprise them", Jay replied.
"Wow, I'm your first stop, honoured", Hailey clutched her chest dramatically, but on the inside, she felt warm and fuzzy. That Jay's actual first thought after landing was to come see her.
They caught up with one another, Hailey showed him around her dorm, and he watched as she packed up for Christmas break.
When it was time to leave, Hailey grabbed her keys to lock up, her roommate had already gone home for the holidays.
The shock on Pat and Kate's faces was priceless, Hailey understood why Jay wanted to surprise them. Will would arrive home in a few days, everyone back in the same place. Jay told them all about his first few months of basic training, saying how hard it was. He was glad Mouse was there with him, it was easier going in knowing at least one person.
"And my bunkmates are really cool too. Luke, Nate and Ryan. Luke's from Virginia, Nate is from Alabama and Ryan's from California. Mouse is bunking with a guy named Owen, he's from Arkansas", Jay explained to his parents over dinner. Hailey had gone home to be with her family.
Jay stopped mid-sentence, still unable to talk about his friends without getting choked up.
"Hey, it's okay", Hailey rubbed his back.
Jay shook his head, biting his lip as he looked down at the ground.
"Still hard to believe, that Mouse and I are the only ones left", his voice cracked before he cleared his throat and made a quick beeline to stand.
Hailey thought about stopping him but let him go, even though he was obviously in pain. Both physically and emotionally.
He took a few deep breathes, steadying his sore shoulder with his free hand.
"I'm going to go upstairs and lie down for a bit, the adrenaline's starting to wear off", Jay explained, he had an instinct to run, although Hailey knew he just needed some space. "Make yourself at home", Jay said and abruptly took off up the stairs.
Oh Jay, Hailey thought. Sitting on the couch, turning on an episode of Friends to distract herself from the noise in her head.
Hailey left Jay to rest for a few hours before heading up with some dinner. She quietly opened the door, finding him lying upright in bed with his eyes closed.
"Jay", she whispered. No response. "Jay", a little louder. That got him up, he looked startled at first, but covered it up well.
"Hey, sorry. Just me. I brought dinner, figured you might be hungry by now", she offered.
"Breakfast for dinner. The Hailey Upton special", Jay smiled.
"Mhmm, thought some of my famous waffles might cheer you up", she crawled in on his right side, setting the tray down in the middle of them.
He gave her a look, not touching the tray. "What?" She asked as she stuffed her face with bacon.
"Can you cut my food, please?", he asked sheepishly.
Hailey felt stupid, she didn't even think about that. "Of course", she laughed. "Want me to feed you too?" She said jokingly.
He paused initially, "No I'll be okay", he said quietly. If she wasn't mistaken, he thought about it for a brief moment.
They sat and enjoyed dinner, turning a movie on afterwards. Jay was still refusing to take anything for the pain. Will sent them home with a few T3's, in the off chance Jay needed something stronger than regular Tylenol and was agreeable to it.
Hailey didn't want to push that though. She had a feeling Jay had been pushed enough today. With the accident, hurting himself, talking about his Army days and the friends that he lost, his mom… the list could go on. She could tell he was feeling overwhelmed.
"She was so happy when I came home that first time to surprise her. And every time after that really. Even up until the end…", Jay quietly said as they were watching TV together.
Hailey turned to look at him in bed.
"Sometimes I look around and it's as if she's still here, she's everywhere in this house", Jay spoke up again, his voice a bit shakier this time.
Hailey didn't say anything, just grabbed his hand and ran her thumb across the back of his knuckles.
"I know. I miss her too", she whispered, letting him just be present with his emotions.
"Every time was so hard saying good-bye to my parents, Will, you, everyone…"
So much of their adult lives had been focused around saying good-bye to each other. That they never really got the opportunity to relish in being together when they had the chance, like when they were younger, and more carefree. Before college, before the war, before death and destruction, before everything. Some days, they would give anything to go back to that time.
2006
Jay's coming and going went on for the next couple of years, but they met up every chance they had. Jay always came home for the holidays, and Hailey had two track meets a year in Georgia near his base that he always came to. He flew in for her college graduation, a year ahead of schedule. All of his predictions had been right, she had a great experience, met lots of friends, won tons of medals and awards for track. All but one anyways, she never really dated anyone in college. A couple here and there, but none that matched up to Jay in her eyes. She had worked hard to finish her degree in three years instead of 4, her sights set on law school in the fall. Her face lit up once again when she saw him in his dress uniform with a bouquet of flowers, roses to be specific, in his hand for her.
"What a guy", she smirked, running and jumping into his arms. He picked her up easily, giving her a huge hug. They had been apart for almost 3 months now as he completed Ranger training.
The onlookers in the small crowd around them clapped, the natural response to a soldier homecoming. What they didn't know was that Jay had yet to deploy, and he wasn't her boyfriend. Nonetheless all eyes were on them. They didn't bother clarifying the details.
Her roommates were the first to comment after Jay had stepped away to talk to Hailey's family.
"Okay. Seriously, when are you guys going to start dating?!" Lily exclaimed.
"It's been years. YEARS. I need some sort of confirmation", Amanda agreed.
"Oh, I don't know. Jay is…Jay. It's complicated", Hailey admitted for the first time out loud.
She kept staring at him in his uniform, suddenly realizing things were more than just a little complicated. They had grown up together, shared everything. Laughed, cried, fought, you name it. She didn't know what life was like without Jay, and she was sure she didn't want to find out.
This grey period of having feelings for each other but never acting on them was starting to become strange. They were building up to something, but what, they just weren't sure yet.
It wasn't until Jay's first deployment to Afghanistan, during Hailey's first year of law school, that he made the decision to finally act on his feelings.
The night before he was flying out, Hailey came home to see him.
He was anxious as hell, although trying to keep it hidden from everyone else. Kate knew otherwise though.
"Are you finally going to tell Hailey how you feel?" She asked bluntly, just before Hailey came over.
"What? No. That's a bit morbid mom don't you think? Jay joked, suddenly realizing he wasn't sure if he wanted to put Hailey through that. In case he really didn't come home.
Kate picked up on his change in facial expression, perhaps realizing just now the gravity of the situation he was embarking on. Jay swallowed loudly.
"It's okay honey, Hailey loves you. You know that, she knows that. Your father and I know that…the whole neighbourhood…"
"Alright mom I get it", Jay said blushing.
"All I'm saying is that confession or not, Hailey knows how deeply you love her."
"How do you know?" Jay asked quietly.
"A woman just knows. The way that girl looks at you, the way she has supported you, taken care of you, laughed with you all these years… It's pretty obvious. And obvious that you feel the same about her."
Jay nodded, admitting it for the first time, giving his mom a hug, before watching Hailey walk up their driveway like she had done a thousand times before. He inhaled sharply, fidgeting with the gold necklace he had tucked in his pocket, with 143 engraved on the back of it.
"Wait you were going to tell me you loved me that night?" Hailey asked, sounding a bit shocked.
Jay chuckled, feeling more relaxed with Hailey's hand still in his. "Hailey, I gave you a necklace literally with I love you engraved on it. But, yeah, I thought it was a good idea in my head until my mom called me on it and I chickened out."
"Called you on it?" She asked confusedly, ignoring the rest.
"Ya she asked me if I was finally going to tell you how I felt. And I was ready to lay all the cards on the table but then I responded- out loud- isn't that a bit morbid, in case I don't come home", Jay laughed but Hailey kept a straight face. "What? Come on, granted I had no idea at the time what was going to go down, the chaos. But it's a little bit funny now", Jay reasoned.
Hailey smiled cautiously. "Why didn't you?" She asked seriously. "I still have that necklace by the way."
"The same reason you didn't meet me on the park bench that night", Jay replied, his turn to call Hailey on something.
"Oh, ya and what's that?" She tested him.
"Because I was scared to tell you I love you", Jay said honestly. Hailey noticed how he didn't say loved, he intentionally said love, as if it were still a current thought he had.
"Remember when I asked you where I think it all went wrong?" Jay nodded, his eyes starting to get heavy as Hailey laid next to him.
"In hindsight, I think right there. That night, when I didn't come meet you at the park. I was scared too Jay. I had feelings for you then, and I knew you had feelings for me too. But you were leaving, and so was I, and we were going in separate directions. I couldn't handle the thought of losing you. And we got stuck in this grey period…We were so young…", Hailey trailed off. Yet here they were, mid 30's, sleeping platonically in Jay's bed again, just as they had done so many times, many years before.
"All those years we wasted…", Hailey continued.
"I don't know about wasted. Misused… maybe. But not wasted. Missed chances", Jay reasoned out loud.
"Missed chances", Hailey repeated, digesting this somewhat new information. Surprised at how openly they were discussing this.
She glanced over at Jay, whose jaw was now clenched, the muscles in his face twitching with every movement. She could tell her was tense, and in pain. They were inching closer to the most painful part of their history together, after his deployments, his mom being sick, Mike… she was sure that wasn't helping. They had unpacked a lot, but there was still a lot to go.
"Jay please take something before we go to bed", Hailey begged.
He shook his head. "I'll be fine", he said through gritted teeth.
Hailey reached over to feel his forehead and his cheek, "You're clammy. And pale. Please Jay, so you can get some rest."
"I don't like how it makes me feel. I know Will gave you stronger stuff you're going to pass off as Tylenol", Jay accused her, with one eye open.
"Jay I wouldn't do that. I know how it makes you feel. But I don't like seeing you in pain either, it's unnecessary."
"I don't trust myself-…", he started before Hailey cut him off.
"I have slept in bed with you during much darker times, when you've been in way more pain, way more injured, way further gone. I trust you. I will give you space if you need it", Hailey reassured him, reading his mind. He didn't want her to be scared of him. He's lashed out at her in his sleep before.
"Okay", he agreed reluctantly, his body screaming at him to take something for the pain. "The ones Will sent?"
"Okay", Hailey was relieved he was wanting to take something strong enough to take the edge off and got out of bed to grab the meds and a glass of water.
When she returned Jay was yawning, accepting the tiny pills from Hailey's outstretched hand.
He gulped them down with some water, not having the energy to get out of bed to brush his teeth.
"Do you want your shirt off?" Hailey asked.
"Um, ya. If that's okay", Jay asked sheepishly. There was still a newness to their current friendship rekindling, he didn't know what she was comfortable with.
She rolled her eyes. "Nothing I haven't seen before Jay." She unclipped his sling, supporting his back while he gently eased his way onto the pillows.
"Okay, right arm first", she pulled his sleeve out and over his head, being extra careful removing his left arm. He groaned slightly as she did that, the drugs not quite kicking in yet.
"Easy, there all done", she said as she clipped his sling back on, making sure he was comfortable. She rummaged around in his closet, finding his weighted blanket and pulling it up until just before his shoulders. She came around to her side of the bed and pulled the blankets back.
"Those were T3's weren't they", Jay started to feel the familiar grogginess kick in, he wasn't crazy about T3's, but the upside was that his shoulder no longer on fire.
"Good guess. It's alright, they'll help you sleep", she said, reaching out to hold his hand again. If memory served her correctly, this helped with his anxiety.
"Thank you. I'm not scared anymore", Jay replied half coherently.
She waited until Jay was fast asleep, it didn't take long. She leaned over, brushed his hair back with her free hand, and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek.
"I'm not scared anymore either", she replied back in a whisper, the double meaning of what they were really saying was not lost on her.
TGIF, Ahh sorry for the wait! Diving more and more into their past, getting closer timeline wise to what led them to where they are today. Next up: The aftermath of Jay's deployments. Hope you enjoy! Thank you so much for the support, reviews and nice messages. Sending love to you all! P.s. I got vaccinated this week. Fingers crossed for happier, brighter days ahead! – K
