Chapter 30
June 3, 1913
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
I stood in my dressing room, staring at my reflection in the full-length gold mirror. My hair was in an updo, tied back in an intricate bun. My makeup was done, covering my obvious eye bags and paleness. My body was held in by a tight corset, restricting my breathing and ability to move. My wedding dress was a white gown with intricate beading and way too much tulle. I had wanted to wear a simpler dress, but that wasn't allowed.
Agreeing to marry Cal this time was different than it was the first time. The first time, I met him only once before he offered me a ring in front of my mother. This time, we courted first, really getting to know each other. Then, when the time came, Cal took me on a walk around the garden before proposing in private.
I knew I loved Cal. He treated me well, told me he loved me, and acted as such. In my mind, however, I knew that things were different with him than they were with Jack, though I attributed that to the amount of time we had known each other. Jack and I had fallen madly in love in two days, so much so that I was willing to do anything to be with him, while the relationship between Cal and I felt like an adult relationship. It was less intoxicating, less fervent, but I blamed that on being older and more mature.
There was a knock at my door, breaking my focus, Samantha entered, dressed in a lavender floor length dress, the color I had once again chosen as my bridesmaids' dresses. She, of course, was my maid of honor, "Rose, you look beautiful!" She gasped. She walked up right behind me, taking a look at herself. "I took a look around outside, and everything is perfect!" I kept my gaze steady on the mirror, not looking at her even once. "Rose? Is everything alright?"
No, everything is not alright, I thought to myself. Something about marrying Cal didn't feel right. I wasn't sure if it was just cold feet or if there was something real, but I felt sick. "No." I turned around suddenly and stared at her. "I can't do this."
Samantha furrowed her eyebrows. "What do you mean?" She asked, then her eyes widened. "You don't mean… not going through with the wedding…"
"What if I do?" I shrugged. "Something's not right, I feel it. I don't know how to explain it, but I… can't do this." I paced around the room, the tulle moving loudly. "I don't want to do this."
"Are you sure?" Samantha asked. "You know I'll do whatever you want to do, but… are you sure this isn't just cold feet?" I didn't know if it was or not, I really didn't. "Cal loves you, and I know from the way you talk about him that you love him too."
"You really think this is just normal anxiety?" I asked.
She nodded. "I really do." She fixed my train, which had turned on top of itself when I paced around the room. "I think, ten years from now, you'll be happy with Cal, surrounded by children, and you'll know for a fact that this was just cold feet."
I took a deep breath. "Alright then," I sighed, fixing my dress. "I guess I'm getting married."
•••
February 28, 1921
Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin
Jack and I were sitting on the couch in front of the fire. I was sitting as close to him as I possibly could, my legs intertwined with his. My head rested on his shoulder, his head rested gently on mine. The fire was lit, keeping us warm from the monstrous winter still happening outside our home. "So we have a day booked at the church," Jack said quietly, since Mia was already asleep. "And we'll obviously invite David and Bella… there's no one else I think I need there." He turned to me. "Is there anyone you want to invite? Your mother, maybe?"
I shook my head. "No," I said simply, not wanting to delve into it further. "I will not be inviting her."
Jack picked his head up, looking down at me. "Rose…" his eyes were narrowed, the way they were when he analyzed me. "Are you sure you don't want her here? It is your wedding day."
I lifted my head from his shoulder so I could look back at him. "The only person I need at that wedding is Mia… aside from you, of course." he didn't say anything further. "I want this to be as wonderful as it can be, and if she's there… it won't be."
Jack looked at me, and his mouth curved into a smile. "I want you to be happy, Rose, and if you don't want her there, that's alright with me." I smiled and kissed his shoulder before leaning back against it. "Anyone from Pittsburgh or Philadelphia?"
I almost made a joke about how I wanted all of Pittsburgh society to be there, but I realized that there was one person, one person who probably thought I was dead, who was probably devastated. I stood up from the couch, walking to the kitchen as quickly as I could.
Jack got up and followed me. "Rose?" He called after me. "Is everything alright?"
"I-I can't believe I was so thoughtless," I said absentmindedly. "I mean, I didn't tell you that I was faking my death, but you only thought I was dead for an hour." I moved some art supplies that Jack had left on the table in order to find the phone. "Sh-she still thinks I'm dead, and it's been over a week since I left! How could I be so stupid?"
"Rose, hold on a second," he grabbed my hand, forcing me to turn and look at him. "Take a deep breath. Who thinks you're dead?"
"My best friend, my only real friend," I said quietly, almost inaudibly. "God, I'm so insensitive! She helped me through all the madness with Cal, she promised to send you letters for me, deliver any letters that you sent… how could I leave, let her see the newspaper, and let her think I was dead?"
"It's been a crazy few weeks," Jack said, taking hold of my hands. "Don't beat yourself up over this. You'll call her, you'll talk, and everything will be alright. She can come here for the wedding, if you want her to…"
I nodded, then sat down to dial her number. "We also have to invite Molly," I realized. Jack smiled and wrote her name down on the list he made, which now consisted of four names. Before I knew it, the phone was answered by a housekeeper.
"Good evening," she said. "How may I help you?"
"Hello," I said nervously. "I was hoping to speak to Samantha Ryder."
There was a pause, and all I could hear was some speaking in the background. Then, the original voice spoke again. "Miss Ryder isn't taking calls right now. May I take a message?"
No, I could not leave a message like this. I needed to talk to Samantha in person. "Please," I begged. "Tell her…" I glanced over and saw Mia walk into the kitchen. I watched as Jack put his finger to his lips, then lifted her into his arms and asked her why she was awake. "Tell her this is Amelia Hockley. I need to talk to her."
The housekeeper asked me to hold, and after only a moment, the phone was answered. "Hello?" It was Samantha, thank god. "Amelia, darling, are you there?"
I finally spoke. "Samantha, it's Rose. I'm alive."
"Rose! Oh my god," she said suddenly. "Are you alright?"
"I-It's a long story, but I just realized that you must have heard that I was dead. I just had to call you and say that it's not true. I also wanted to tell you that I'm in Chippewa Falls with Jack… and we're getting married."
"So am I invited?" She asked, and I could tell she was grinning. "I would love to come visit you, meet Jack, come to your wedding."
I smiled. "Of course you are."
•••
March 3, 1921
Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin
I stood in my bedroom, staring at the bed, where there were three white dresses laid out. I had found them in some of the local stores; they were the only ones that were white and would fit. Two of them either didn't look right or weren't my taste, so they were rejected. Now, I had to try on the last dress.
I stepped into it, sliding my arms into the sleeves. I reached behind me to fasten it, determined to keep the dress a secret from Jack. I managed to get it closed and sighed in relief, only to look in the mirror and realize how dreadful the dress looked. It didn't fit my body right, tight in all the wrong places. I sat down on the bed and threw the other dresses off. "Damn it!" I said, frustrated that I couldn't look the way I wanted to.
Jack knocked on the door. "Rose, can I come in?" I stood up and opened the door for him, and he walked inside. "Wow… you look…"
"Horrible," I said, collapsing on the bed again.
"Hmm… I had another word in mind. Stunning… beautiful." I laughed under my breath. He sat down next to me and took my hand, moving his finger in nurturing motions. "So… what's wrong?"
"I knew that I wouldn't have the nice things I used to have, and I was more than willing to give all of that up for you and this life," I said quietly. "This is our wedding day; this is the important wedding day, and I just want to look beautiful. I want you to watch me walk down the aisle and think I'm beautiful."
"I already do, Rose." He put his hand on top of mine, and I moved my thumb on top of his. "I know it's really hard, and I also know we're not doing things conventionally-"
I give a small smile. "When have we ever been conventional, Jack?"
Jack laughed. "That's true." Hearing his laugh made my heart almost burst. It was so pure, so wonderful. "I mean… things aren't what you're used to. I know that. And I wish I could give you a real wedding dress-"
"Stop." Now it was my time to be the calm, sensible one in our relationship. We always seemed to switch off, comforting each other when necessary. "This is not how I expected things to go, that's true. I didn't expect to be fat and hormonal when we were getting married, but… I also never expected to marry you or have a child with you, so I'll happily take these changes. They'll just… they'll take some getting used to."
"Mommy! She's here!" Mia called from downstairs. I looked out the window and saw a car pull up in front of the door, and I walked down the stairs with Jack. "Aunt Samantha!" I heard Mia squeal as she ran out the door.
Standing on the path leading up to our house was Samantha. She had a bag in each hand, her hair pinned up with a few pieces falling in her eyes, and a simple dress on. Once she saw Mia, she dropped her bags and opened her arms to her. Mia ran right into them, and Samantha lifted her into her arms.
Jack and I stood in the doorway watching them. "Oh my god, look how big you are," Samantha gasped, looking down at Mia. "What are you, sixteen now?"
Mia shook her head seriously. "No, I'm only six."
We all laughed as Samantha gave Mia one last hug before placing her back on the ground. "You must be Jack," she smiled and put out her hand to shake Jack's. "I've heard a lot about you."
Jack laughed and looked down at me, taking delight in the fact that I talked about him. "Really?" His smile was teasing, but I loved it. "You talked about me?"
"I know you did too," I smiled. He smiled and made a funny face at me before leading the way inside.
•••
I poured two cups of tea and walked from the kitchen into the living room, where Samantha was sitting by the fire. "Here you go," I handed her a cup and sat next to her on the couch. "We just have to keep our voices down. Jack's putting Mia to sleep."
"Jack putting her to sleep?" She chuckled and her eyes widened. "He really is the anti-Cal, isn't he?" I smiled and nodded. "Listen, Rose, I came here to meet Jack and to attend your wedding, but I also came here to make sure this was right." I knit my eyebrows. "You told me the day of your wedding to Cal that you didn't want to marry him, and I convinced you that it was just anxiety. I just wanted to make sure this is what's truly right."
I smiled. "This is what's right," I told her. "Jack loved me when I was still married to Cal, when I thought I was infertile. He loved Mia. He took care of us all this time." The fire crackled in front of us, and I smiled. Sitting in front of the fire was one of my favorite things now. "I know this is very different from how we've lived, but… I love it here, Mia loves it here…"
"I see why, Rose. I mean…" She looked around and laughed. "This is a beautiful life. It's a beautiful home, Jack obviously loves you, Amelia looks happier here than I've ever seen her before… is this what every day is like here? Sitting in front of the fire, the games, everything?"
I nodded. "Yes, it is," I smiled. "It feels like Jack and I are extensions of each other, really. We love each other so much. Cal and I… we were never like this, even at our absolute best. And this wedding is exactly what I want, unlike the last one."
"Oh, that reminds me." She set down her cup and walked over to her luggage. "I brought you a wedding present of sorts." I followed her and watched as she pulled out a white gown. "I thought you might have trouble finding one here, especially since you're pregnant-"
"You shouldn't have," I gasped, admiring the dress. It really was a beautiful gown, and it looked all too familiar. It was the evening gown that I wore on Titanic, the one that I wore to the steerage party, but in white. "Wait a minute, isn't this-"
"Yes," Samantha smiled. "I was shopping in Pittsburgh when I saw this. I remember we found the original dress together, and I remember how much you loved that dress. So when I saw this one, I couldn't not buy it." She laid it across the large chair. "So, I had it tailored, adjusted it since you're pregnant… it should fit."
"Oh my god," I hugged her tightly. "This is amazing! It's absolutely perfect!" I looked down at it again. "I can't believe you did this." I touched it, gasping at the familiarity of the material. "Can you do me a favor? An easy one this time, I promise."
Samantha laughed. "Of course."
"Don't tell Jack about this," I smiled. "I want to surprise him." I smiled down at the dress. This was perfect: Jack would see me walking down the aisle in the dress I wore when we fell in love.
•••
March 5, 1921
Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin
I stood in my bedroom, staring at my reflection in the full length mirror. My hair was down but with some pieces pulled back, tied in some ribbon. My makeup was simple, only a little bit on my eyes and skin. I didn't think I needed it, though; I wasn't trying to hide any nerves and doubts this time. I wasn't wearing a corset, partly because I knew I could be free around Jack, and partly because I was pregnant. My dress was perfect, accentuating my waist while also showing my slowly growing stomach. Everything was perfect.
I knew this wedding was right. Even spending one day apart while we each got ready was torture, and I just wanted to see him again. I pictured him in my head, how he smiled at me, how he took my hand, how he kissed me… I knew we would be doing those things for the rest of our lives, and I couldn't wait.
The door opened, and Mia came skipping in, followed by Samantha. She was wearing a lavender dress, her favorite one. "Mia, you look beautiful," I knelt down and hugged her.
"You look so pretty, Mommy," Mia gasped. She took my hands in hers and clapped them together. "I'm gonna go see Daddy!" She let go of my hands and skipped out of the room, leaving Samantha and I.
"The dress does look absolutely stunning on you," she smiled. She looked in the mirror and fixed her hair. "How do you feel? Any nerves? Because if you tell me you're having doubts, I promise that I'll listen to you this time."
I shook my head. "No," I smiled. "I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him." I looked back at my reflection and tugged gently on the back of the dress. "Is something wrong here? It doesn't feel right."
"Oh, you're a bit twisted," she adjusted the dress. "Perfect." She put her hands on my shoulders. "You look beautiful."
I turned around and hugged her tightly. "Thank you for everything," I whispered. "You've done so much for me, I can't even tell you. Befriending me when I was a scared sixteen year old forced to get engaged to Cal, helping me with my grief for Jack, helping me keep in contact with Jack, and now this."
"You forgot about breaking Cal's nose," she smirked.
I laughed. "Oh yes. How could I forget?" We both laughed. "That was my favorite."
We both had tears in our eyes, and I carefully wiped mine away, trying to preserve my makeup. "Oh, this is so silly!" Samantha laughed despite the tears in her eyes. "This is supposed to be a happy day! No more tears."
"No more tears," I nodded. We both knew that these tears were not about the wedding, they were about me moving away and not being able to see each other as much anymore. We hugged one more time.
When we separated, I saw Mia open the door and stand in the doorway. "Mommy?" I could tell by her tone that something was bothering her. "Can I talk to you?"
I looked down at her and nodded, then turned back to Samantha. "I'll meet you downstairs." Once she was gone, I sat down on the bed and pulled Mia onto my lap. "What's wrong?"
"I don't know," Mia sighed. She seemed sadder now than she had in weeks, since I had first returned. "Does this mean you won't be Rose Hockley anymore?"
I sighed. "No, I won't be Rose Hockley anymore," I answered. "But all that will change is my name, MIa. Nothing is changing for you. I'm still going to be your mommy, Jack is still going to be your daddy. That's it."
"But Jack isn't really my daddy, right?"
Biologically? No, I thought to myself. But biology doesn't matter to Jack. "He can be your daddy if you want him to be," I said, then smiled, satisfied with my answer. "I think he's more of a daddy to you than your father ever was."
Mia nodded, and I reached over and wrapped my arms around her, holding her in my arms. Sometimes I wished I could tell her how much she had done for me, even without knowing it. She had saved my life, she really had. "I want him to be my daddy," she said finally. She looked up at me, then said, "I don't want Father anymore."
I don't know what went through my mind in the next moment, but my mouth spoke before my mind could tell it not to. "Mia, would you want to really be Jack's daughter?" I asked. "To be named Amelia Dawson instead?"
Mia gasped with a smile. "I can do that?"
My heart skipped a beat as I realized, what if Jack didn't want to adopt Mia? But this was Jack we were talking about, he loved Mia with his whole heart. He told me weeks ago that he already felt like a father to her. He wouldn't want to keep her related to Cal in any way if he could help it. "Let me talk to daddy, okay?" I kissed her hair. She nodded, jumping off the bed and giving me a tight hug. "I love you."
Now I had to see Jack. I didn't plan on bringing up Mia. I just needed to see him before our wedding. I opened the door and nervously walked down the hall to Mia's room, where Jack was getting ready. I opened the door to find Jack adjusting his tie. He looked up at me, smiling instantly. "Oh my god," he walked over to me, taking my hands in his. "Rose, you're so beautiful."
I blushed, playing with Jack's fingers. "This wedding is going to be amazing, one of the best days of my life. I just wanted a private moment with you before all the craziness starts."
Jack smiled and touched my cheek. "Can I kiss you?" He asked. "I don't wanna mess up your makeup or anything."
I laughed. "Yes, Jack," I put one of my hands on his arm. "You can kiss me." I leaned forward, pausing for a moment, just appreciating what a miracle all of this was. Jack pulled me closer and put his hand behind my head, pressing his lips against mine. As we kissed, a montage of our kisses played in my mind, from the slow, hesitant kiss at the bow of Titanic, to the desperate kiss once I had jumped off the lifeboat, to our first kiss once I had arrived in Chippewa Falls, when I pushed Jack away because I was scared, finally to the sad, heartbroken kiss once I had come back.
I pulled away, tears in my eyes. "I love you," I whispered, smiling despite a tear running down my cheek.
Jack reached up and wiped my tears with his thumb. "Are you sure you want to do this?" He asked. "You know I want to marry you, but we don't need to rush this. We can take it slow."
I put my hands on his shoulders. "I want to marry you, Jack," I smiled, and he smiled back. "I want to be your wife, I want to know we'll be together forever, and I want to be Rose Dawson. After eight years of waiting to be with you, that's all I want."
Jack smiled at me, then took my hand. "Let's go get married."
