Chapter 32
May 30, 1912
Manhattan, New York
I had been living as Rose Dawson for over a month now. My life had begun to come together: I was let out of the hospital, I had a job, an apartment, a friend or two. Still, there was something missing, and it was no mystery what it was. Jack.
There was nothing I could do about that. I wasn't ready to court someone new, to start a new life that didn't have Jack in it. For now, I just tried to make it day by day, tried to keep my promise to never let go.
I walked home from work at the diner, my feet dragging against the pavement. It felt like there was a weight on my chest, one that refused to go away. Finally, I arrived at the front door of my building. I opened the door, walked up the two flights of stairs, and unlocked my front door.
I untied my apron and threw it on the floor, collapsing on the old couch in the bare living room. I closed my eyes, though that didn't stop the tears from running down my cheeks. I was so lonely, alone in a new city, heartbroken over everything I had lost.
There was a loud knock at my door. I wiped my tears as quickly as I could and scrambled to my feet. "Who's there?" I asked. Who could possibly be looking for me? Cal only came to me at the diner, my mother was back in Philadelphia… Who else would be coming to see me?
"It's Samantha, open the door!" I sighed in relief and unbolted the door, turning the knob. Samantha rushed inside, taking a look around. "I heard about Titanic, are you alright?"
I had two options here: I could fall apart, tell her all of my thoughts and feelings, or I could shove them deeper inside, preserving myself and pretending that nothing was wrong. I chose the latter. "I'm fine," I lied. "Some minor frostbite, but I'm all better now."
Samantha knit her eyebrows. "Are you sure?" She asked. "The ship you were on sank, tons of people died, and somehow your engagement was called off… you must be feeling something."
I sighed, knowing that I had to say something to her. She wouldn't just let this go. "I'm just not ready to talk about it yet," I said quietly.
There was a moment of silence before Samantha nodded. "Alright, well, I'm here to visit you. We can do whatever you want. So… what should we do?"
I sat there quietly for a moment. I didn't want to do anything; all I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry. On second thought, I didn't want to just mope around, I wanted to do something different… something crazy. "What if we got tattoos?" I asked.
An hour later…
From the moment I said that I wanted a tattoo, I knew exactly what I would get. Samantha had decided that she didn't want one, but I had gone through with it. Once we got back to my apartment, she asked to see it.
"So can I see the tattoo?" She asked.
"Oh… I got scared," I lied. "I didn't end up getting it. Too scared of needles." I put down my bag and sat down, while Samantha excused herself to use the restroom.
I stood up and walked over to the small mirror, picking up my dress for a moment and smiling at the black cursive on my hip. I touched it, smiling to myself. "I love you, Jack," I whispered to myself, then dropped my dress and pretended that nothing had happened.
•••
April 15, 1921
Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin
Nine years. Nine years had passed since the sinking. The tears rushed down my cheeks as I watched the clock tick closer and closer to two-twenty in the morning, the exact time Titanic disappeared into the north atlantic, only a few minutes from when I lost Jack for- well, not forever, but for a long time.
My mind was torn in two. On one hand, I knew that this was a tragic day, a day when over a thousand people died, a day when I lost one of my closest friends, a day when I lost the love of my life for years. On the other hand, in the past, I had suffered through this day, thinking that I had lost Jack forever. Now, here I was, married to him. It didn't feel the same as it always had.
Jack and Mia were both asleep. Mia, of course, knew nothing of the significance of this day. Jack, asleep in bed next to me, hadn't noticed the date, and I had decided not to remind him of it. It felt cruel to remind him of such a tragic day when his mind didn't want to remember.
The clock struck two twenty, and I doubled over, crying into my hands. It's alright, I tried to tell myself. You're safe, Jack is safe, you're together, that's all that matters. My mind wouldn't listen, however, and the more I tried to calm myself down, the more I would realize how many people weren't alright anymore, how many fathers and husbands had perished that night.
"Rose," I heard Jack whisper, and I started to cry even harder. I didn't look at him, I just kept my face in my hands. He sat up, moving closer to me and wrapping his arms around me. "What happened?" I could hear the concern in his voice. "Please, talk to me."
I didn't want to tell him, to bring him down with me, though I suppose my loud sobbing had already done that. "It's April fifteenth, at two twenty in the morning," was all I said, and Jack knew immediately what I was upset about. His face changed, immediately growing sad.
"Oh," he looked down for a moment and closed his eyes. Almost immediately, however, he opened them again and turned back to me, shoving aside his sadness. "Come here," he whispered, pulling me closer to him until my head was on his chest and I was wrapped up in his arms. I continued to cry quietly against his chest as he held me. "Why didn't you wake me?" He asked. "Why didn't you tell me?"
I pulled out of his embrace and shrugged. "I thought you didn't remember," I said quietly. "You hadn't mentioned it, and I didn't want to remind you of it. I thought I could just suffer through it alone, for your sake."
"Well, I did remember, I just thought you didn't want to talk about it," Jack sighed. "And you never have to suffer through anything alone, Rose. Not anymore. Not when I'm here to go through it all with you. I want to go through it with you, Rose. You don't have to hide your feelings from me."
"I know," I said quietly. "These last few months, you've given me the whole world, and I don't know… I just wanted to do something for you, even something small and stupid like this." I took his hand and held it in mine. "You saved me from Cal, you saved my life during the sinking, you took Mia and I in and kept us safe, you loved me even though I was damaged and belonged to someone else."
Jack scoffed and shook his head. He smiled, the way he smiled when I did something that surprised him. "You really don't get it, do you?" he asked. "You've given me everything, at least as much as I've given you. You gave me a life again, a family. Before you, I lived here all alone, with nothing in my life, except the memory with you and the emptiness I felt after losing you. Then I get a knock on my door, and suddenly everything changes." I smiled and stared at my hands. Jack touched my cheek, lifting my chin. "You're my wife, that's something I never thought I'd have… especially not with you. You've given me a daughter I love, and a new baby to be excited about… you really did give me everything." Jack took my hand and kissed my palm. "Do you want to talk about it?"
I shrugged. "I don't really know what there is to say," I said quietly. "It's always a hard day for me, as I'm sure it is for you. I'd always just take a day to myself, grieve for you and Trudy… and everyone else really."
"Trudy?" He asked.
"My lady's maid," I answered. "She was also one of my closest friends. She died in the sinking." I looked down and took a quivering breath. "She cried with me when my father died. She took care of me during my worst days with Cal. Most importantly, she told me to follow my heart and be with you." I smiled for a moment as I thought of the excitement of those first few moments of being with Jack. "It took me months to recover from that night… at least mostly recover. For months, I'd close my eyes and be back there, hearing the screams and shivering as if I was still in the water."
"I had that too," Jack sighed, still holding my hand. "This is always gonna be a hard day for us. It always has been, and it always will be. But now we have each other, and although that doesn't take away the pain and trauma, it means we'll always have someone who knows what we're going through." He paused for a moment, and I could tell he was thinking about something important. "What did Cal do at times like this?"
I shrugged. What did Cal do? Being with him felt like a lifetime ago. I had been with Jack for five months now, and all memories of Cal were shoved into the back of my mind. "He just gave me my space. That's all."
Jack scoffed and rolled his eyes. He reached over and took my hand. "Come with me," he whispered, taking my hand.
I pulled the blanket off of myself, scrambling to my feet. "Where are we going?" I asked. He took my hand and we walked towards the staircase.
Jack turned to me and smiled. "Just trust me," he whispered. When he flashed me that smile, it was impossible for me to say no… not that I ever would. We walked down the stairs quietly, walking into the kitchen. "I had bad dreams a lot as a kid, especially after I fell through that ice. I used to wake my mother, and she would take me downstairs for some milk and cookies."
I smiled and sat down at the table while Jack grabbed some cookies and milk and sat across from me. "Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I didn't meet you," I sighed. "You know, I was at dinner when everything just hit me all at once. I went back to my stateroom, needing to get out of my corset, and Trudy wasn't there to help me. I guess it was all too much, I had a panic attack and that's when I went to the stern… when we met." I took a deep breath, surprised to find that a lot of those feelings were still there, just buried deep down. "I sometimes wonder what would've happened if Trudy was there, if she calmed me down and I never went to the stern in the first place."
Jack sat quietly for a moment. He often waited a minute before responding, letting my words sink in. "I think we still would've met at some point," he said finally. "You and I are meant to be. I think the universe would've led us together no matter what. We could be dragged apart a thousand times and still find each other. At least that's what I'd like to believe."
"I don't know how you do that, Jack," I sighed. "I don't know how you're always so optimistic." I looked down at my glass. "When I was in Pittsburgh, I was just in such a dark place where all I could think was that this was the universe trying to keep us apart."
"Oh Rose," he reached out and took my hand. "That's not it."
I shrugged. "How can you be sure?" I asked. "We got together the first time, and an iceberg got in our way. We were apart for eight years: I was in an unhappy marriage, you were miserable. I spent only three months here before getting dragged back, and now here I am again, waiting for the next shoe to drop."
"Hey, listen to me," Jack leaned across the table, grabbing my other hand and holding them both in his. "Nothing will tear us apart again. I won't let anything get between us." I smiled ever so slightly, still unconvinced. "You and I are going to spend the rest of our lives together, raising our children, traveling the world, doing all the things we've ever wanted to do. I know there's no way to convince you of this, but we can't just wait for the next disaster to occur."
I nodded. "I'm sorry, Jack," I looked at him. "I've never had a life that I was this afraid to lose before."
Jack smiled. "Me neither," he whispered. "But nothing is going to tear us apart again. I won't let it." I leaned forward, touching his nose to mine. "I love you," he whispered. I smiled, then closed the gap between us. "You ready to go up to bed?"
I nodded. Jack stood up and walked around the table, taking my hands and helping me stand up. "Jack, I can still get up on my own," I laughed. "Give it a few months, when I'm too big to move around." I touched my stomach, which was still quite small.
"I just want to help you any way I can," he whispered. We quietly walked upstairs and got back in bed. We were both laying on our sides, facing each other. Jack reached out and touched my stomach. "Are you nervous?"
"For the baby? Not so much," I placed my hand on top of his. "It's all just so wonderful, Jack. I'm so excited. I'm excited for you to experience it. And most of all, I'm excited to do it all with you."
Jack smiled. "It'll all be amazing," he whispered. "What about actually having the baby?"
I sighed. "I haven't really thought about it," I admitted. "I am afraid, I suppose. Not afraid of the pain, though… it is painful, but it's worth it in the end. I remember that was the scariest part with Mia, the fact that I didn't know what any of it would be like. My mother didn't tell me anything, no one did, so I just knew what I could find in books."
"So… what part are you scared of?" He asked.
"The dangers of it all," I sighed. "I don't want anything to happen to me… or even worse, the baby. Mia and I both almost died… it was truly one of the scariest days of my life. It's all worth it once it's over and everything's alright, of course. I just don't know if it will all be alright."
Jack sighed. "I'm a bit scared too, to be honest." I reached over and touched his cheek. "But I'm going to do everything I can to keep you and the baby healthy and safe, you'll rest and take care of yourself, and it'll all be fine. I'm more nervous about having a baby."
I laughed. "Jack, you'll be an amazing father to this baby. I know you will." I moved closer to him, touching my nose to his, then kissing him. "You are such a good father already. I know it won't be any different with this baby." Jack leaned forward and kissed me again, but I pulled away after a moment. "Jack…" I looked down. "If something happens to me-"
"Nothing is happening to you," Jack replied.
I sighed, placing my hand against his cheek. "I know neither of us want to think about that possibility, but we have to." Jack rolled away from me, turned on the lamp and sat up. I sat up too. "The last thing I want is for something to happen to me, and for you not to know what to do."
Jack took my hands and held them on his lap. "Rose, I promise you that no matter how much we talk about this, if something happens, I won't know what to do." My heart broke, and I squeezed his hands. "You know that I'd take care of the children, I'd do whatever I had to… but nothing is going to happen to you."
"How can you be sure?" I asked.
Jack shrugged. "We can't be sure," he replied. "Just like we can't be sure that ships won't hit icebergs, houses won't randomly catch fire… there are a million things that can go wrong each day, but they don't." He pulled me into his arms, holding me as close as he could. "We'll take every precaution we can, you'll rest as much as possible, and everything will be okay." Jack leaned down and kissed the top of my head. "And then, five months from now, we're going to be here, sitting with our two beautiful children."
