Hello friends- old and new! Long time no see. Trying the authors note at the top today. I took a bit of a hiatus on here because I've been finishing up my Masters program and have been working in healthcare in Ontario…which has been a wild ride to say the least right now…if you know you know. Thank you so much for all the reviews and shares of this story, I'm so glad so many people are enjoying this as much as I'm enjoying writing it. A few people have also told me this story has got a lot of attention on twitter?! That's really cool and I so appreciate the kind words, especially in these dark times! Plus – 8x11! Wow, we really were served the greatest moments, more to come I'm sure. If you look back a few chapters I wrote about Hailey and Jay having waffles and coffee in bed before it was cool ;). Breakfast is sort of my love language, and I've woven that through many of my chapters and Upstead stories, so funny seeing them talk about it on the show for real. Again, so sorry for the long wait for this update, just being transparent that my life has been super chaotic lately. Hoping to get another chapter up here soon. Until then, buckle up this is a long, emotional one, diving more and more into their past. Enjoy! OH AND 143 :) -K


Chapter 10

He exhaled loudly; Hailey could feel the palm of his hand becoming sweaty.

"I think we should too", he agreed. If she wasn't mistaken, his grip around her small hand became tighter as well.

Hailey had a flashback as they got closer to Jay's house. It was of the telephone pole that Mike had wrapped his car around, the patch of grass where his body was thrown from the vehicle that had never quite grown back in properly.

She paused to look at the boulevard where it happened, a few blocks from their childhood home. She had purposely walked them back in this direction, to take this route. While Hailey looked at the spot head on, it was obvious that Jay was doing everything in his power to avoid it, not making eye contact with the intersection.

His eyes looked empty, full of guilt and shame when they stopped at the corner where it all happened.

"Jay", Hailey nudged him out of his trance.

He exhaled deeply, "Yeah."

"I know it's hard. It took me a long time to be able to walk this way and not have a meltdown", she replied.

"I haven't walked this way in a while", he quietly admitted.

She nodded, "Me neither."

Talking about Mike really did mean talking about her brother and what happened that night, but it was so much more than that. They truly needed to talk about everything leading up to the accident, and everything after, because if they were going to do this they needed to do it all the way. No more dodging the subject, or running away when things got hard. Hailey wanted to go all in with Jay, and she was pretty sure he felt the same.


They walked the rest of the way back to Jay's place, mindful that Will was probably in there still sleeping. He knew all the details of the accident; Jay just wasn't sure he wanted to have this conversation with Hailey while his brother was upstairs. Because there were definitely things about that time in his life that Will didn't know. Hailey seemed to pick up on that as they came through the door.

"Why don't I go make us some tea", she suggested, skillfully deflecting their conversation for a little longer.

"Sounds good", he agreed, walking upstairs to check on Will.

As Jay cracked open the door to his bedroom, he found Will awake, scrolling through his phone.

"Hey", Jay said.

"Hey", Will replied, clearing his throat.

"Have a good sleep?" Jay asked.

"Yeah actually, I did. Thanks for letting me crash", Will said as he sat up, running his hands over his face to wake himself up.

"No problem. Hailey and I are going to talk", Jay said bluntly.

Based on the nervous look on his brothers face, Will figured they were going to have the talk. "Gotcha, I'll get out of your hair", he tried to send Jay a reassuring smile.

"Thanks", Jay flashed him a half smile.

Will came downstairs a few minutes later, grabbing his stuff by the front door and saying goodbye to Hailey.

"Maybe we can have Sunday dinner again", Hailey suggested, pleasantly surprising Will.

"I'd love that. You're cooking this time though", he pointed at her, making a joking face about Jay's cooking skills.

She smiled, "Deal."

"Bye guys", Will closed the door behind him, a strange silence falling between Hailey and Jay in the living room. They were finally alone, ready to talk about things.

"Hailey"

"Jay"

They both started, smiling nervously at one another.

"You go first", she whispered.

Jay was uncharacteristically tongue tied, biting his bottom lip, stalling for time.

Hailey didn't press him though, she knew how hard this was for him, for her, even Will. Mike's death was traumatic, and a tragedy that affected all of them.

"If I could take anything in my life back, it would be that night. And I know that apologizing and talking about everything now, isn't going to bring Mike back. I know last week you said you've forgiven me, but honestly, I'm not sure if I've forgiven myself yet. And you have every right to be mad still, if it was the other way around and Will- …", Jay rambled before he felt Hailey's hand on his knee.

"I do forgive you Jay, really. I was angry for a long time, and even up until seeing you last week…I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to let it go. But then I saw you in that window, and everything just came flooding back. And I just wished so hard that things could be like they used to. I know you were hurting then too, and I didn't exactly handle things the best either…"

"We both could have done things differently, me in particular. I was a mess when I came home from my second tour", Jay replied, Hailey nodding her head in agreement. "I got help after you left for New York though. I want you to know that. And I'm still going to therapy", Jay admitted unashamedly.

Hailey's features softened. She didn't know he was still going. She stared at his arm in the sling, he was readjusting the straps trying to get comfortable. Something clicked in her brain then, how Jay's instinct was to stick his arm out to protect Kim, prevent her from flying forward, to the point that she had bruises across her chest from his hand.

"What you did for your partner yesterday Jay… ahem", Hailey paused, getting emotional for a minute, motioning to his injured shoulder.

Jay looked at her, eyes glistening.

"I realize…I realize…," Hailey looked up at the ceiling to prevent the tears from falling. Jay squeezed her leg with his good hand.

"I realized that's what you did for Mike. And I know you tried. I didn't understand then, but I know you tried", Hailey finished, almost in a whisper.


2008

Hailey stepped out to walk across the stage to receive her law school diploma. It was an exciting day, one that she had worked so hard for, but felt incomplete without Jay in the audience. He had never missed a big life event of hers, she realized that as she looked out towards her family, half expecting to see his face in the crowd. Her heart ached, wishing he could be here instead of somewhere in Afghanistan, but then swelled when she looked out to see Jay's parents sitting in the crowd next to her own. It made it feel like he was there with her after all.

They clapped and cheered, and Hailey's smile beamed. She was missing Jay, counting the days until he was home again. The late summer sun reminding her that fall was near, and his deployment would be up. But, little did she know, after having drinks to celebrate with her family and his later that day, she would get a phone call in the middle of the night that would turn her world upside down.


Kate was hysterical. Hailey could barely make out what she was saying, she had this pit in her stomach, refusing to believe anything had happened, but all signs pointed to Jay being hurt…or worse.

It was 2 in the morning, and she heard the phone ring. Usually she was a heavy sleeper and would assume it was a prank caller or a wrong number, but for some reason she had this nagging feeling in the back of her mind that she should answer it, and good thing she did.

She had slept at her apartment downtown, where she celebrated graduation with her family that afternoon and roommates after dinner. As soon as she heard Kate's voice on the other end, she knew something was wrong and sat straight up in bed.

"What?" Hailey kept repeating, in shock.

"Honey, I don't know how bad it is. All they could tell me was that the two of them were alive", she cried.

"They?" Hailey asked, praying that Mouse was the other name Kate said next. She wasn't sure if she could handle a world without him in it.

"Jay and Greg", she said quietly, confirming- "They're all that's left."

She let out a brief sigh of relief. Hailey couldn't believe this. While she was overjoyed that Jay and Mouse, her two best friends on this earth, were both alive, she had just been on Skype with Jay a few days before, which turned into a giant chat with his unit as they often liked to jump in on their calls. They were congratulating her on finishing law school, joking that they might need her services one day soon, on account of all the partying they were about to do once they got back stateside. Owen, Luke, Nate, Ryan…. Based on what Kate was saying, they were all gone.

Hailey tried to ask more questions, but nothing was coming out. What happened? How bad are they hurt? When will they come home? Silence, she felt paralyzed.

Kate seemed to understand what she was thinking, filling her in on some details. They had been medically evacuated to a hospital in Germany, if they were stable enough in the next day or two, they would be flown back to Chicago. It was a waiting game now. She had no idea what their injuries were, if they would be coming back whole… or not. What Hailey didn't realize until years later was that although physically, they made it back, they were not "whole". Neither of them had really come back all the way.


Hailey waited until she saw the sunrise creep through her curtains to actually sit up in bed. After Kate's phone call she hadn't been able to fall back asleep, how could she? After hearing that news, she was worried sick about the two of them, to the point where she actually dry heaved a few times in the bathroom.

Lily heard her in the bathroom again, jokingly shouting in there that they didn't even have that many drinks last night. Her tune changed immediately though when Hailey opened the door, pale face, looking like she had been up all night. Lily's heart sank.

"What's wrong Hails", she approached her friend cautiously, she looked like she was going to fall apart any minute.

"Jay…. Mouse…", was all Hailey could get out before Lily clued in, bringing her hand to cover her mouth in shock.

"Are they?" She asked softly, scared of the answer.

"Alive… but injured. We don't know how badly yet", Hailey sniffled, the tears starting to fall, she instinctively tried to wipe her cheeks, but the tears kept coming.

"Oh Hailey, I'm sorry", Lily just took her into her arms, trying to reassure her friend, although she wasn't so sure herself.


It had been the worst 36 hours of Hailey's life, waiting to hear how they were doing, waiting to hear anything really. The Army didn't provide too many details, they said it was classified, which made her feel even more uneasy and unsure what version of Jay and Mouse were going to be flying home later that night. She had gone home to wait, and over to the Halstead's, which she thought would be a comfort to her. Turns out, it was just going to turn her world upside down even more. Kate was sick, stage 4 pancreatic cancer- there wasn't much they could do. Will and Jay didn't know yet, which made her feel that she knew a devastating secret she wasn't supposed to. Kate was sort of nonchalant about the whole thing, accepting, not fearful of the outcome. More fearful of what was happening to her boy. But Hailey sat at their kitchen table, like she had hundreds of times before, overwhelmed, and just cried. What started off a happy week was quickly turning into her worst nightmare.

Later that afternoon, Kate got a phone call. Hailey held her breath and watched her body language. There was a lot of nodding, "mhmms", "okay's", before she knew what was going on.

She hung up the phone, Hailey looked towards her, preparing herself for the worst, half expecting to hear that they didn't make it.

"They're on their way back to Chicago, landing tonight. Both of them are stable. They didn't tell me what injuries Mouse had…I should go call his mother…", Kate rambled before getting back to Jay.

"Jay has a bad concussion, punctured lung, couple broken ribs, some shrapnel wounds. They'll keep them in the ICU for a few days to make sure everything is okay. Should expect 6-8 weeks of healing time", Kate explained, Hailey nodding the whole time, taking it all in. It sounded bad, but it also sounded like he got lucky. Those were injuries that would heal. Kate didn't mention loss of any limbs or other serious injuries, for Jay anyways.

"Are we able to see them tonight?" Hailey asked.

"I'm not sure sweetie, the ICU might be strict on visitors. But I can check", she explained.

"Okay", Hailey said sullenly, feeling extremely useless in this situation.

"Jay doesn't know about my cancer yet and shouldn't have to worry about that right now. But I'll tell him when he's in better shape, please don't say anything", Kate asked.

"Of course, I would never. And if it's only one visitor, you obviously need to go in. I can wait to see him", Hailey replied, not wanting Kate to think she was overstepping.

She smiled softly at Hailey. "Jay would want to see you too, I'm sure. He loves you very much you know that Hailey? And so do I. I would never ask you to not come with me tonight. He's going to need you, through all of this", she gave Hailey a knowing look, one that she interpreted as after Kate was gone as well.

Hailey nodded, taking a deep breath before hugging Kate, going back to her house to wait for the call that they landed at Med.


It was nearly midnight when Hailey heard a knock at her front door, suddenly feeling her body flood with nerves.

She could hear her own mother talking to Kate in the front foyer, she could tell by her tone they were comforting words.

"Ready?" Kate asked her bravely. Hailey nodded, grabbing a jacket and swiftly walking out the front door.

When they got to Med, they were directed up to the ICU, where a nurse met them to explain what they had to do before entering. Although Kate was a nurse and knew all this, Hailey didn't so she listened and tried to copy what Kate was doing, getting gowned and gloved up. Kate was intentionally going slow to show Hailey what to do.

The nurse informed them only one person could go into each room at a time, so Hailey told Kate she would see Mouse first. Kate had tried to get Mouse's mom to come with them, but she said she was going in the morning instead. Kate Halstead never yelled, or said a bad word about anyone, but was ripping Mouse's parents a new one the entire way to Med, and rightfully so. But that was a story for another time.

Kate pulled the door open, Hailey could hear the relief in her voice, seeing Jay, although he was heavily medicated according to his nurse.

Hailey took a deep breath and went around the corner to Mouse's bed, unsure what she was going to find on the other side. The nurse hadn't said much about his injuries, she supposed she wasn't allowed to for confidentiality reasons, Hailey wasn't family. So she was truly going in blind.

She was pleasantly surprised to find Mouse's bed mostly upright; he was fully awake and staring at her. Looking more alert than she was anticipating. She could feel herself smiling, tears of joy forming in the corners of her eyes.

Mouse on the other hand, had a flat affect, didn't look phased at all. It was eery. His face was pale, eyes sunken in, big dark circles encompassing them. Didn't have the usual sparkle. His face lit up for a brief second when he saw Hailey come in, but the smile was forced.

"Hi Mouse", Hailey exhaled all the worry she had been holding onto, doing a quick scan, elated that he wasn't in as rough of shape as she thought he might be. Although her greeting came out a little more choked up and emotional than she was planning in her mind, she had to keep it together right now, they had been through so much.

"Hi", his eyes welled up, trying to get more words out, his voice was hoarse and broken.

"It's okay, you don't have to say anything", she reassured him, he nodded quietly in response. She moved closer to his bed, carefully laying a hand on his cheek, wanting to touch him to make sure this was real.

"I'm so happy you're okay", Hailey replied, choking on her words now too, feeling her resolve to be strong weaken, grabbing a hold of his hand that wasn't attached to his IV.

He was quiet for a minute, just staring at her blankly. Hailey kept her gaze fixated on him, he was paler than she had ever seen him, just looked exhausted and defeated. From what she could tell after scanning him, he didn't have any broken bones, but it did look like there were some burns on his chest and legs, in addition to some expected cuts and bruises. She pushed the call button for his nurse, as she watched him wince after making the slightest movement in bed.

"I don't feel okay", he admitted out loud, showing the tiniest bit of emotion for the first time since Hailey came into his room.

"I know, I pressed your call button for you, for more meds", Hailey replied.

"No, not physically. My head- I can't sleep Hailey, every time I close my eyes…", his hand came up to signal that his heart hurt, not from his physical injuries.

"Oh", it dawned on Hailey. That he was opening up and telling her that he was struggling most mentally.

She silently asked permission to sit down on his bed with him, to which he nodded in agreement.

She was careful not to jostle him or any of the lines that he was connected to.

"It's okay to be feeling that way Mouse, and extremely valid. Thank you for sharing that with me, I can't imagine what you went through", she said calmly, taking his hand in hers again.

"We're done now. Medically discharged. I don't know what I'm going to do, or who I am anymore", his breathing increased.

"I'm going to be here every step of the way Mouse. For you and Jay. Whatever you need alright?", she replied as she wiped a stray tear from his cheek.

He nodded, knowing that Hailey would keep that promise as if her life depended on it. But still he couldn't seem to shake this feeling of guilt and emptiness brewing inside of him.

"Have you talked to my mom?" He asked quietly.

Hailey shook her head, "Kate has. I think she's planning on coming here in the morning."

Mouse snorted slightly, "Right."

Hailey squeezed his hand one last time, gave him a quick peck on the cheek and whispered 143 in his ear before getting off his bed. That at least got a small smile out of him.

His nurse knocked, and came in to check on him, at which time Hailey decided to make her way over to Jay's room, anxious as hell to see him. She had this pit in her stomach, like she did at the cabin with them, that Mouse was struggling then, and even more so now. She decided right then and there that she would do everything in her power to help him, help both of them.

While she was in the hallway, waiting for Jay's nurse to finish re-dressing his wounds, Mouse's nurse approached her.

"Hi there, are you a friend or relative of Greg's?" The young woman asked her, she couldn't have been much older than Hailey.

"A friend", Hailey smiled and confirmed.

"Good, I'm glad. You know, I was starting to get worried. He hasn't said a single word since he got here hours ago. Mind you, it's not often I have patients that are alert and able to communicate up here. But, he's a soldier…so young...surely someone out there cares to know what happened to him…", she said solemnly and confused.

Hailey felt herself tense up with anger, and sadness. It wasn't a surprise to her that his parents didn't rush here to see him like Kate did; Pat was at work, and would come straight here after his midnight shift. It just made her feel so sorry for Mouse, who had tried his whole life to fit in and make them proud, and here he is now, lying in the ICU and they didn't even make it a priority to come see him the second they could.

She tried to force a smile, the nurse picking up on her disdain at that news. "I'll be back to see him again."

"That's good. You know, I've seen a lot of trauma come through these doors…he'll recover from the physical things… I'm afraid of the long-term impacts for people like him mentally…", the nurse alluded, in a brief moment, revealing the harsh reality of their situation.

Hailey nodded, aware of what she was implying. "Thank you for doing what you do, I know this job must not be easy on you either", Hailey squeezed her shoulder and headed towards Jay after seeing Kate come out.

"How is he?" She asked quickly, unable to read Kate's face that well right now.

"Hurting, confused. He's pretty drugged up, so it was hard to get anything out of him", she said in a hushed tone. "He might open up a little more to you though."

Suddenly Hailey felt a little nervous, like she wasn't equipped to handle this, or know what to do or say. Kate seemed to pick up on that and reassured her. "Just be there for him Hailey. Like you always have, he'll be so happy to see you. He was asking me about you", she nudged her with a smile.

That made her relax a little bit, that Jay still knew who she was, that he didn't suddenly lose his memories or anything like that. Although things might be different now, it was still just Jay in there, the Jay she had known her whole life, and loved so deeply.

She made her way around the corner to his room, to find him fully horizontal, hooked up to IV's and oxygen, with a chest tube sticking out of his right side, which Kate had pre-warned her was there to help with his punctured lung.

"Jay", she breathed out heavily, not really believing that he was okay and in one piece until she saw it for herself.

His eyes darted hearing her familiar voice, wincing at the sudden, tiniest of movements.

His eyes looked glossy from the concussion and all the medication. It took everything in her not to run up to him, squeeze him, kiss him, never let him go. But she held back, he was fragile in more ways than one right now, and she needed to keep it together. But then, as she was staring at him, his bottom lip started to quiver, and she lost it. All the emotions she was bottling up over the last few days exploded, and she couldn't stop herself from bawling.

She felt frozen in place, not really knowing what to do at first. Then her feet started moving before her brain did, approaching his bedside, kneeling over him and planting a kiss directly on his lips, unable to stop herself.

Jay, although pretty out of it, looked up at her stunned, flashing her a small goofy smile. "Hi to you too Hailey Anne."

Hailey's eyes widened, not sure what possessed her to do that.

"You know, it's not fair, I can't really kiss you back right now", Jay tried to lift his arms to motion about his situation, not coherent enough to realize that was going to cause him a world of pain.

"Ahhh", he let out.

"It's okay Jay, shh, you have a chest tube in. Try not to move too much", she said trying to calm him, gently helping him place his hands at his side again.

"Hailey", his voice sounded as hoarse as Mouse's did.

"Mhmm", she replied, trying to give him space, but also trying to be close. He looked like he was freaking out.

"Why won't anyone tell me what happened?" Jay questioned her, looking confused. "Are we in Chicago?"

Hailey tried to keep a straight face, unsure what she should tell him.

"We're in Chicago Jay, you're safe. You're at Med in the ICU. You were in a Humvee accident that's all I know", she offered, which wasn't a lie.

"Mouse too? Is he here? Where are the others?" Jay asked, looking like he really didn't know now. Must be the concussion talking, she thought internally.

"Mouse is here, he's a couple rooms down." She hesitated before what came next, "I'm sorry Jay, you two were the only ones that survived", Hailey hated that she was the one telling him this, but she couldn't lie to him, that would only make it worse. Maybe he wouldn't even remember this conversation, or the kiss, tomorrow.

His lip started to quiver again, and he closed his eyes, almost as if he was remembering all at once. She set a hand over his forehead as that seemed like the safest place to touch him, with all the tubes and leads and IV lines coming out of him.

"I love you Hailey", Jay whispered, causing her heart to skip a beat, his words slightly more slurred as the pain medication started to take effect.

"I love you too, Jay. And I'm not going anywhere", she said softly, as she ran her thumb across his hairline, and watched him drift off to sleep again.

He felt a bit warm, which the nurse warned her about. His temperature was up, but that wasn't completely out of the norm for someone in the ICU with his injuries. They were monitoring him closely for any signs of infection and hoped to discharge him sometime this week if all went well.

She sat at his bedside as long as she was allowed to, Kate had been sitting in with Mouse. Hailey felt herself starting to doze off as she felt a hand on her shoulder, Jay's nurse telling her Kate was waiting for her in the hall, that it was time to go.

"We'll take good care of him for you, go home and get some sleep sweetheart", a kind nurse told her, Hailey was sure she assumed Jay was her boyfriend, and she was okay with not correcting that right now.

On the drive home, Kate asked her what she thought about seeing Mouse and mentioned something about how he had been on a Form 1 while they were in the hospital in Germany. Hailey didn't know what that meant, but she told Kate that Mouse seemed like he was in a dark place.

"I think so too, and it's going to be up to us to help him out of it, we both know his parents aren't capable of giving him the love he needs right now", Kate said bluntly. Hailey agreed, thinking about what it was they could have possibly been through. It took Jay almost a year to tell Hailey what had happened, it was so traumatic for him to speak about. Once he told her the whole story, she understood why, it was more horrific and violent than she ever imagined.

The rest of the car ride home was silent.


They did it. They made it through talking about Jay coming home after his second tour. It was difficult for him; she could tell by the way he was clenching his fist and his eyes were red and watery. It was difficult for her too, in a different way, reliving all this. That was a rollercoaster week in her life.

"I don't remember you kissing me in the ICU", Jay admitted sheepishly.

"I figured, you were hopped up on painkillers", Hailey grinned shyly. "I think I was just so happy to see you, wanted to be as close to you as possible. With all your injuries, your mouth seemed like the safest place to touch", she reasoned.

"Hmm, right. Not my cheek, forehead, hand...", Jay teased her, earning him a shove on his good arm.

"Yeah, yeah. Sue me", Hailey rolled her eyes. "Do you want to take a break and call Mouse? I know the last hour reliving all that…. was hard." Hailey's voice turned soft again, seeing Jay resist the urge to flee, she could see it in his eyes.

"That's a great idea, fitting too, for the next part", Jay replied, taking a deep breath, pulling out his phone to video chat Mouse.

It took a few rings, but he eventually answered, his face lighting up with a smile when he saw Hailey and Jay come into focus.

"Well, well, well. What do we have here, never thought I'd see this again", Mouse joked.

"Hi buddy!" Hailey exclaimed.

"So, how are things?" He asked, noticing Jay was quiet, and also in a sling.

"Not bad, just talking about some stuff", Jay replied, Mouse raising his eyebrow at that.

"Stuff?" He asked.

"2008 stuff", Jay elaborated.

"Ahh, gotcha. Finally working through some of that", Mouse asked.

"We're trying", Hailey confirmed, smiling gently at Jay.

"Good, because I miss you guys. I miss us", Mouse admitted.

"We miss you too Mouse", Hailey replied.

"The second I touch down in Chicago, the three of us are getting together, like old times", he replied. "That is if you're around Hailey", he quickly added, unsure whether or not she was still living in New York.

Hailey looked at Jay and smiled. "I'm actually officially back for good. Start my new job Monday."

Mouse congratulated her with a big grin on his face, "This adds up why your letters have been few and far between lately."

Jay looked at her confused, "You guys write each other letters? You're such nerds", he laughed.

The three of them chuckled, Hailey agreeing to forward her new address to him.

"Mouse, we went for a walk today, had a nice pitstop at our favourite bench, and guess who we saw at the park?" Hailey asked.

"By the bench? The one Jay carved both of your initials into?" Mouse inquired, getting a little dig in after Jay's nerd joke; Hailey almost spit out her tea.

"Greg!" Jay's cheeks went bright red. That made Hailey laugh even more.

"Mrs. Connors", she spared Jay the embarrassment of diving further into that comment.

Mouse seemed pleased with himself, and in no way regretted bringing the bench up. "Wow she's still around? That's hilarious, we used to be so scared of her."

"She thought we were dating", Hailey added.

"I don't know why either of you are surprised by that", he laughed.

They both just shook their heads at him, ignoring the obvious.

"Hails, I'm really happy you're coming back from New York. I know you kind of only went there because of me", Mouse admitted. Jay was the one to look confused by that.

Hailey paused, looking at Jay, then back at Mouse. "Oh, he doesn't know?" She directed at Mouse, who shook his head. This explained a lot actually.

"Know what?" Jay asked, Mouse gathering the courage to tell him the truth.

"Back when I got in trouble…you know…2008 and beyond…more particularly 2009", he started, trying to avoid talking about the obvious, he wasn't exactly sure what part in their ancient history they had made it up to yet.

"Yeah?" Jay encouraged him to continue, 2009 was the year Mike died. Jay and Mouse were both really not doing well during that time, long before that even. But that's when things truly bubbled over.

"Well, when I was addicted to opioids, you know I got into some trouble", he lowered his eyes.

"I do", Jay nodded, unsure where this was going, other than Mouse getting into trouble with the law and hacking government satellites.

"Hailey…um Hailey got me some help", Mouse looked up and made eye contact with her.

She smiled softly but allowed him to continue.

"After I got into some hot water with the law…. Hailey stepped in and made a deal with the ASA. She got me into rehab, and I got clean and had a second chance at life. But that meant she had to take a job in New York", Mouse explained.

"Wait, what?" Jay questioned, looking back and forth between the two of them.

"I knew someone, a friend of a friend, that could get his charges dropped in exchange for him going to rehab. But asking for that kind of favour came with the caveat that I would take this job in New York that they really wanted me at. I was barely a year into practice, they wanted new blood", Hailey filled in the blanks for Jay.

"Wow", Jay felt a little speechless, he had no idea Hailey did that, pulled those kinds of strings for Mouse, he always just assumed he sought out rehab on his own after they kept begging him get help. It made all the sense in the world though that she would and did do that. Hailey loved Mouse, and he certainly would not have had that grace or support from his own family. His parents practically abandoned him, moving 6 hours away up north, a few months after he was home and medically discharged. It's a wonder he made it out with only the issues that he had at the time. Everyones family was complicated, but his was just cruel.

"I sold my soul to the devil for that favour", she shuddered thinking back to her first boss in New York, who was a total nightmare. "And I'd do it again", she reaffirmed after watching Mouse's face fall on the screen.

"I owe Hailey for the rest of time for that", Mouse replied sheepishly.

"You don't owe me anything Mouse, I have no regrets about doing that. Seriously, zero", Hailey stated, even though she knew that would hurt Jay a little to hear, moving away from Chicago was sort of the straw that broke the camel's back for their friendship at the time. But really, she didn't. It was the right move at the time, and one that she wanted to do for her friend, to get him the help he desperately needed and to give him the second chance he deserved.

"You've both saved my life you know that?" Mouse said out loud. "We hit the friend lottery, for real."

"Agreed", Jay smiled, feeling emotional about this new information.

"Listen I gotta go, let's talk soon though okay?" Mouse waved someone off in the background.

"Definitely, stay safe Greg", they both added, before ending the call.

Things were quiet for a few minutes.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Hailey said sheepishly, expecting some questions, but all that came out was gratitude.

"I can't believe you did that for him. You have no idea how much that turned things around", Jay said. "Why didn't you guys tell me?" He asked, feeling like he had been left out of a big secret.

"Wasn't my secret to tell Jay, plus things were…strained for us then. I told Mouse that first night back in the ICU that I would be there every step of the way, anything he needed. And that's what he needed. Plus, I promised your mom…", Hailey was cut off, surprised by a few tears sneaking up, in Jay's eyes too.

She composed herself and tried again. "I promised your mom that I would take care of both of you, she knew…she knew things weren't okay with you guys."

Jay was trying hard to blink back the tears now, not realizing that all this time Hailey had played such a huge role in Mouse's recovery, and in turn his own, setting up both of their futures. She was so selfless and loving, he had no idea how or if he would ever be able to repay her in this lifetime.

Hailey saw him trying to hold it together, so she changed the subject. "Did you really carve our initials into that bench?" She asked with a teasing in her voice, although she was touched by that gesture.

He nodded, biting his bottom lip, scrunching his nose. "Bit of a high school move, but I thought it was a good idea at the time. I've gone almost two decades without anyone knowing that, Mouse had to call me out", he laughed.

"Now who's keeping secrets", she joked.

"I'll show you when we walk again tomorrow", Jay suggested.

"Oh, bold to assume I'm staying the night again", Hailey raised her eyebrow.

"Aren't you?" Jay challenged her right back, grinning mischievously.

She flashed him her dimples, "Okay, okay. I was planning on doing that", she admitted.

He pulled her in for a good side hug, kissing the top of her hair. They stayed like that for a minute before Jay spoke again.

"We need to keep going", he whispered.

"I know", Hailey agreed, dreading this part.

Jay inhaled, trying to calm his racing heart, just deciding to get right to it. "I knew Mike was drunk when I got in the car with him. And I knew there was a chance we could crash and get hurt or… and at the time Hailey, I was in such a bad place…I didn't care..."

Hailey waited while he was quiet for a minute. "I got in because I didn't care what happened to me."

Her breath hitched at what came next. Jay admitting a dark, dark part of his soul that he had never said out loud before to anyone, not even Hailey.

"When I woke up in the hospital and found out Mike was dead, I wished it was me instead."