A/N- Wow. I am amazed by and very grateful for the response to the last chapter. What I liked most is that whether you liked it or hated it or thought Matt was harsh or Rory was awful or both it seemed like it really resonated with a lot of people, brought your own emotions/stories/pain to light. The fact that it got at some of your realities makes me really happy. (Ha, I'm sure that sounds bad for those who were upset by it. I don't mean it that way. You know what I mean). Anyway, I hope you enjoy the continuation of this, and I plan to keep having more emotionally-strong chapters like this whenever possible. The reason we read is to understand and to feel. It's also the reason we write. So these have been two of my favorites to write and you can expect more like this.
Also, my pain may be in these chapters too. So I hope you enjoy the channeled hurt and rage, haha. Please read and review, your feedback is what I look forward to most every day. And as always, I do not own Gilmore Girls or any of its characters or concepts, and I really wish I did because I could use their wisdom in my life right now.
Chapter 58
"Look," Rory began, her voice lower than it had ever been in her memory. She was fighting back tears with every breath. But this was important. "I'm not trying to justify what I did. I can't. Not to you, not to him, not to me. Ever. And that's something I'll have to carry."
Matt looked at her impatiently. "Yeah, but you know what? So will he," Matt countered, "And he didn't deserve it. Not one ounce of it. He changed, he made something of himself. And all of it was for you."
"Okay, that is shit," Rory burst out, "Maybe he did it because of me, maybe he thinks I inspired him, maybe I even did. But he did it for himself and by himself. He deserves at least that much credit. It wasn't like Jess making something of himself and living up to his potential was some Say Anything grand gesture to get me back. If you care about him as much as you claim to, you should damn well know that and have more respect for what he did than to think that."
Matt was slightly taken aback. Taking advantage of the moment of silence, Rory continued. "And no, he didn't deserve it. I agree with you. I agree with you completely about this. On everything from how wrong what I did was to how bad of a person it made me. Makes me. But wallowing in self-loathing seems pretty damn unproductive. So you can sit here, hating me and judging me, just as much as I sit here and hate and judge myself. But I can't do that forever, I have to move on. I have to keep living my life. And whether or not I deserve the opportunity I'm getting, here, with Jess, which both of us agree I don't, I have that chance. And I'm going to damn well take it. Because for the most part I'm learning that I have no idea what makes me happy, but I know he does. I've never doubted that, when it comes down to it. So selfishly, narcissistically, undeservedly, I'm going to take advantage of that and be with him for as long as he will fucking choose to have me. And if I make him happy, whether or not you agree with that, whether or not it worries you, whether or not it pisses you off, you have no right and no authority to choose whether or not he pursues his own happiness and how he goes about it. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that as his self-proclaimed closest friend, or one of the two, you're obligated to at least try to be supportive if it's something he's this goddamn stubborn about, something that isn't going away. And as much as you hate it, that's me. I'm something that's not going away, whether or not I should. So you can either learn to deal and work with this or you can continue having dramatic bullshit with everyone until one of us dies of exhaustion from all the effort it takes to keep up this hatred."
Matt stared down at the keyboard. After a few moments he looked up at Rory. "Most people can't talk about themselves like that," he said slowly, "For good reason. It's not healthy to tear into yourself that hard."
"Well, my own health isn't really my priority in this conversation," Rory replied sharply, "This is about Jess. I don't deserve shit. But he deserves peace and the opportunity to be happy, and even with how badly I've treated him in the past, if the best I can do to try in some tiny way to make up for the pain I caused him is to help give him that chance now, I'm going to fucking do it. Whether you like it or not. I'm not going to give up, or take off, or any of it. Unless he wants me to. And he doesn't, and I don't think he will, so if I were you I'd think really carefully about which choice is going to have the best long-term effects."
"Even if I agree with all those things you said about yourself, which I do," Matt responded, "I have to admit it takes a lot to reach that kind of self-awareness. I didn't expect you to be able to admit that what you did was so shitty. To really understand it."
"That doesn't make it any better," Rory said flatly, "I still did it. Knowing it was wrong doesn't change it."
"No, it doesn't," Matt agreed, "But it does make me hate you a little bit less. Because if you feel this awful about it, it seems pretty damn clear to me that you wouldn't pull anything like this on him again. So even if I think you're bad for him, and you don't deserve him, I don't think you're going to hurt him as badly as you did before. In fact, I know you won't."
"No, I won't," Rory answered, her eyes fixed on Matt's. He sighed deeply.
"Here's the best I can offer," Matt began, "I can stop getting in your way. Being a thorn in your side. Constantly trying to find things to fault you for and making things worse for you here. I can stop saying negative things about you unsolicited and trying to convince Jess that you're a bad decision. And I can attempt to spend more time with you in a group setting, to give you a shot to make a second impression. A better one. I cannot and will not promise to change my mind about you, or even to try. Or that I will ever say I think well of you if I'm asked. But I can do my best with the couple things I know I realistically have the ability to do. How does that sound?"
"More than fair," Rory agreed, her expression still serious, "Thank you. It'll mean a lot to him."
"I know," Matt replied. Rory stood up and nodded a goodbye before exiting the office.
The moment she walked out onto the street the tears started flowing. As she walked toward the coffee shop, she knew he wasn't crying about Matt's words or even what she'd done to Jess those few years ago, the way she'd treated him. She was crying for the person she was becoming, the person she now knew herself to have been, and the fact that she had just realized that she hadn't known who they really were until just now.
