A/N- Hello! Glad everyone enjoyed part two of Rory-is-flawed-as-are-we-all-and-we-need-to-fuckin g-face-those-facts. It was a good week for me to write it. Anyway, I hope you guys like this chapter. Please keep reading and reviewing. As always I do not own Gilmore Girls or any of its characters or concepts, but I would probably marry ASP. Definitely if we could do it at the Gazebo. Sorry Dan, no hard feelings.
Chapter 59
An hour or so later, Rory walked in the door to the apartment. Jess immediately stood up and walked over to her.
"Are you okay?" he asked, his voice low, "I heard Matt out talking to Chris like forty minutes ago. Where were you?"
"Went to get coffee," she mumbled, "Sorry."
"Don't be," Jess said, looking at her strangely, "What's going on?"
"I just…" she began, willing the tears to stay back. They didn't.
"Fuck this," Jess hissed, starting toward the door, "Whatever he did, whatever he said…"
"It wasn't him, Jess," Rory sighed, "It's me. I just…need a minute."
"So the tears?"
"Have nothing to do with Matt. We worked it out as best as we can. I'm pleased with the results. This isn't about him."
"Then…"
"Jess, can you sit down? I want to ask you something."
Jess nodded slowly, walking over to her bed and sitting down next to her. She sighed, looking down.
"Jess…when I…when I showed up here, at Truncheon, the first time…" she said quietly. Jess's face remained stoic.
"Yeah?"
"Did you know that I…could you tell that I wasn't okay?" she choked out. A grim smile appeared on Jess' lips.
"So you figured it out," he exhaled.
"Jess…I don't even know how long I've been like this. The person I was, the things I was doing…I know that when we were together I was more like I am now. But I just keep looking at everything and thinking that I really, really screwed up. A lot. And that when I fixed everything, I really didn't. I just made everyone think I did."
"You fixed a lot," Jess countered, "Even if you didn't fix the underlying shit, you fixed your circumstances. Gave yourself a fair shot to do better, be better."
"So…"
"Yeah, I could," Jess answered, "Are you kidding? You kissed me, Rory. I know you, that part of you especially, better than anyone. I could tell that you were still a mess the second your lips touched mine. Before I knew about him, or anything else, or that you didn't really want to be with me again yet. I just knew that you weren't…"
"Okay."
"Yeah," he finished, "You weren't okay."
"Then why didn't you…"
"I was angry," Jess admitted, "Really, really angry. I wasn't sure if I could do anything. If it would work. Or if I could even handle the attempt. It really wrecked me."
"Really meaning…"
"You don't want to know."
Rory nodded slowly.
"Jess, I'm…"
"I know."
"But you don't!" she exclaimed, "I didn't even know until today! I couldn't face that I was that kind of person, that I could do those kind of things. That I really did them, that I was responsible for them, and that there was no one to blame but me. The person who does those things…that's me, Jess. That's a part of me. I did that. I have the potential to be that selfish and awful and completely just…cruel."
"That's true," Jess replied. His eyes met Rory's. "But there's a couple things you're missing here. First, just because you have that potential doesn't make you a bad person. It just means you have to be strong enough to choose not to take that course. And you are. You're doing it now. And why are you asking me this now? What are you afraid of?"
"How could you love someone like that?" Rory asked, her voice low, "Even think to. Just even consider forgiving that person. Stand being in a room with them. Eventually it's going to hit you that I'm that girl that did that, and I'm still that person, and you're going to…"
"No, I'm not," Jess cut her off, "Look, I know that about you already. I know you did that. I know the ugliest things about you, and I'm not going to spin them into gold. But knowing all those things about you, I want you here anyway. Here, in Philadelphia. Here, in my apartment. Here, in my life. Even with the broken, ugly, jagged parts. I know the risks and I accept them. No one's perfect. I know your flaws. I can live with them, and more importantly, I want to."
"You shouldn't," Rory responded, "It's not smart. It would be really easy to find a girl who hasn't completely fucked you over. In fact, I think that's the entire remaining 99.9999 percent of the female population."
"But none of them are you," Jess said simply, "I don't care if it's smart. I don't want them, I want you. Whether or not you think you deserve that. I never thought I deserved you anyway. So I guess we're even."
"You really don't hold it against me?"
"Of course I do," Jess replied, "And I always will. It's never going to go anywhere. But it's also never going to stop me from feeling the way I do about you."
"God, I really wish you were still teenage Jess sometimes," Rory grinned, wiping the tears away from her eyes, "It'd be a lot easier to handle being the awful person here if you were a jackass."
"He's still in there," Jess smirked, "And trust me, I've fucked up enough that we're at least even. You just haven't seen most of it."
"Will I ever?"
"God I hope not," Jess smiled at Rory, "But probably."
"I'll start carrying a video camera."
"Kind of inconvenient."
"Tap the FBI's resources?"
"Probably difficult."
"I could hack it."
"You didn't go to Yale for nothing."
"Or maybe I did," Rory grinned, beginning to crack up, "I'm shelving books. Not exactly worth the 200 grand."
"Disagreed," Jess laughed, "The pleasure of my company is priceless."
"You've either been smoking crack or watching two many Mastercard commercials."
"Close. Both."
"I should've seen the signs."
