Reticence Saga

Severed Web

Chapter 13: Ultimate Deadpool (He's Back)

"After all the craziness down in the Savage Land, it's good to be back in New York. Though things aren't quite the same. Kala has been put on the bench until she gets her fire powers back, Chloe has to deal with being a feathered dinosaur, and we've got a new teammate, Lana, who needs training in-"

"Enough about these guys. Who cares about original characters, right?"

"Yep, it's me again, boys and girls. You readers have been wanting me back, you know you do. It's time for some Ultimate Deadpool. Oh yeah! And what are we doing today, you ask? Well, I hear there's a big bounty on some half-dragon mutant witch girl or something I need da moneh. Problem is, intel's a little low, so I'm dropping by to see someone who knows about her. Isn't this gonna be fun?"

"We're going to 'ask' one of her featherbrains and if he doesn't talk..."


Falcore sat calmly, cross-legged. He could remember when he'd been human...and how chaotic he'd been. One plus of being a model prisoner meant he'd picked up some meditation lessons, after asking, from Iron fist.

Didn't quite do enough to alleviate the boredom though. He wished he had a book to read, preferably one that wouldn't get ripped when he turned the pages.

"Maybe they can install a television?" he muttered before pausing, his senses picking up something before one of the worst disguised intruders he had ever seen walked into view. The guy was dressed in red and black and, for some reason, has a fake moustache glued to his mask.

"Excuse me, I'm looking for Mr. Falcore," said the guy in an obviously fake deep voice.

"You have found him. Give me one reason not to scream for security...who...should have been guarding this place already," muttered Falcore in a small amount of confusion.

"Yeah, had a bit of an old class reunion. You wanna see what happened?" asked the guy.


A few minutes earlier...

"Guys, you ever get the feeling today's gonna be a bad day but you don't know why yet?" asked Spider-Man.

"Isn't that how your spider-sense generally works?" asked Matt.

"This isn't a spider-sense thing. This...is just a vague premonition feeling," said Spider-Man.

"Oh, you mean Mondays. Come to think of it..." said Matt.

Chloe came in at that. "Guys...you get the feeling someone said 'what can possibly go wrong'?" she asked.

"I was just mentioning that," said Matt. Just then, a doorbell rang. "Does the Triskellion have a doorbell?" asked Matt.

"Uh, no," said Spider-Man, "But it sounded like it came from..." He walked to the door leading outside and opened. Sitting out there was a large red box wrapped in black ribbons.

"The hell?" muttered Matt, walking slowly towards it with Chloe, who snarled at it and asked "Who the hell would send us a parcel?"

"This almost seems like... No, it couldn't be," said Spider-Man.

Chloe reached forward, before gently tearing some paper off.

Just then, the top burst off and a lot of confetti shot out, followed by a guy in a red and black suit who jumped out. "Hey everyone, look who's back!" he yelled cheerfully.

"Deadpool!" said Spider-Man.

"You got it, my slightly imitative old buddy," said Deadpool, "You oughta change up the design a bit, look a little less like moi."

Matt paused, before his eyes narrowed, bringing his target into focus. "You…" he snarled.

"Oh yeah, the grumpy guy who bust into the bar and blew a hole in my guts," said Deadpool, "That was a fun cameo, but now it's a full chapter."

"What are you doing here? We're not likely to let you hack the SHIELD database this time," said Spider-Man.

Chloe raised an eyeridge. "Again?" she asked.

"Oh, no way, awesome sauce," said Deadpool, suddenly next to Chloe, "You've got a dino-babe? You've totally been holding out on me. Where did you get her? Look at these feathers. Guess we're stick with the 'accurate' idea of what dinosaurs looked like. But dinosaurs don't have wings. I so want one." As he was talking, he was touching Chloe all over.

Chloe's eyes slowly narrowed before she slapped Deadpool across the room. "No touching! It's bad enough I have to preen every morning," she snarled.

"Mind if I show myself in? I need to use the little mercenary's room," said Deadpool before walking through the door and closing it.

"Did he just lock us outside?" asked Matt.

"Yup," said Chloe, her eye twitching.


"Really? You expect me to believe you beat a dragon that easily?" sneered Falcore

"Oh, just slowed him down a bit," said Deadpool, taking off the mustache, "The other guys here weren't that hard to deal with. Just needed a little of El Stinko Mondo."

Falcore paused. "I don't want to know what that means. Now is there a reason you're here?" he said.

"Yeah, there's this girl I'm trying to get in touch with but she's a little off the grid," said Deadpool, "You might know her: grey skin: five eyes, four arms?"

"I'm going to cut you off there. I may not like her but I cannot betray her," said Falcore calmly, getting up and cricking his neck.

"You know, 'cannot' is a funny word. I mean, why do people still use it anymore? Why doesn't everyone just say 'can't'? What do people have against contractions? For instance..." Suddenly, Deadpool had Falcore right up against the wall and saying in a threatening tone, "I'm not leaving empty-handed. So tell me where to find her or I'll start doing this preening everyone's been talking about."

Falcore raised an eyebrow before flicking his talon, and the arm pinning him fell off. "Pathetic," he muttered, before walking towards the open door.

Before he got too far, he slipped on something very slippery. "Not so fast, jailbird," said Deadpool, putting his arm back on, "You weren't finished singing yet."

Falcore looked down to see a banana skin. "You have to be kidding. I am honestly trying to avoid turning you into mince...but if you insist…" he said angrily, his eyes glowing white before the wind in the corridor began to pick up. Just then, a bunch of oil hit him in the face. "Ugh! My eyes!" he snapped.

"Oil spills are no laughing matter," said Deadpool, "Hundreds of animals are put in jeopardy when an oil tanker has an accident. Do your environment a favor and bathe an oily boid."

Falcore snapped, "What the hell are you-glub." he managed before Deadpool tackled him and shoved a stick of soap in his mouth.

"Scrubby, scrubby, let's make you nice and clean," said Deadpool before pouring dish soap over Falcore's face and scrubbing him extra hard.

Falcore managed, "Get...off...ME!" before a cyclone spread out from him like a blastwave. "That was the worst bath I ever had," grumbled Falcore. He tried to get up, but now the floor was too sudsy for him to stand up on. "This is demeaning," he muttered, his wings still too wet to take off.

"Now, now, you just got yourself clean," said Deadpool, walking back. He took out his swords and in a maniacal voice, "You don't want to get bloody, do ya?"

"Is there a reason you are after my lady?" Falcore asked with a sigh.

"Yeah, somebody-" started Deadpool.

Just then, a little imaginary devil Deadpool kicked his head and said in a tiny voice, "Don't tell him about the bounty, dummy. Tell him some sob story about you need to find her for some dumb noble reason."

A second one appeared, an angel Deadpool, "No, you must be honest. It's not like he can do anything."

The Devilpool snapping, "Says you." the two lunging at each other.

From Falcore's point of view, Deadpool seemed to have paused. "Somebody really needs her help," said Deadpool, "There's this little girl who's fallen under a spell cast by an evil gnome and I need an expert in that magic junk to help her."

"Then why not ask Doctor Strange?" asked Falcore.

"We're...not in a good place right now," said Deadpool.


Many things had visited the Sanctum Sanctorum over the years, but having a horde of Deadpool-uniformed monkeys was a first. Dr. Strange glared before muttering "Deadpool."


"Well, it's worth noting that my mistress is a villain," said Falcore calmly.

"This could be an opportunity for her to redeem herself," said Deadpool. Falcore gave him a dubious look. "Hey, how about I let you out of this super-teen high school and give you a coupon for one free sub sandwich?" asked Deadpool.

"Ham and mustard and you have a deal," said Falcore.


"Ok, he's got to have left one door unlocked," said Spider-Man, looking around the hangar.

"Why don't I just blow up the door?" said Matt icily.

"I'm trying to avoid damage to the place while Nick is away right now," said Spider-Man, "At least he wasn't here to see Deadpool again."

"How bad is this guy? I blew a six-inch hole in him last time. He should be in traction," snapped Matt.

"He's got a really good healing factor," said Spider-Man, "Not to mention a lot of weapons and being completely unpredictable."

"Great..." said Matt sarcastically, before the door in front of them was sliced into four neat sections.

"Ok, that should be-" started Spider-Man before the door fell away and a foul-smelling cloud of gas wafted out. Spider-Man, Matt, and Chloe were soon covering their noses and coughing loudly.

Deadpool walked out the door and waved a hand in front of his face. "Do not go in there," he said, "Phew, last time I eat Indian and Mexican on the same day."

A second figure, Falcore staggered out. "You did that on purpose, you...jerk," he gagged.

"No one's stopping us, right?" asked Deadpool.

"There's rules against chemical weapons," managed Falcore before Matt tackled with him a snarl.

Chloe and Spider-Man blocked Deadpool. "You're after Megan..." Chloe snarled, her claws starting to glow green along with her eyes.

"Where'd you hear that? Were you reading the earlier part?" asked Deadpool.

"You're a mercenary, and Megan's bound to have eventually pissed off someone with cash," snapped Chloe.

"But mostly we looked at your blog," said Spider-Man, "Also, '#nextonmyhitlist'? Why would anyone post that?"

"I have alot of followers," said Deadpool defensively.

"I'm not letting a nutcase like you anywhere near her," snarled Chloe.

"Dakota..." warned Spider-Man as Chloe advanced on the merc, glowing claws out.

"Let's see what you look like as a triceratops," she snarled.

"Interesting idea, but this face is too pretty for three horns," said Deadpool, "So I'm gonna have to give you this." With that, he tossed a lit bomb into Dakota's hands. Dakota looked down more out of surprise then anything before the bomb sent her flying

"Hey, Spidey, wanna tag along for old time's sake?" asked Deadpool, putting an arm around Spider-Man's shoulder, "I mean, that old Taskmaster thing is all water under the bridge, right?"

Matt, who had a struggling Falcore in a headlock, snapped, "Of course he won't! You're a complete fruit loop and I know fruit loops."

"He's right. Not gonna happen," said Spider-Man, pushing Deadpool's arm away.

"Yeah, knew you'd say that. So I left ya a little something," said Deadpool. Then Spider-Man heard something beeping on his back.

Chloe got up dazed and muttered "Sticky bomb." before she tensed up. "STICKY BOMB?"

Deadpool paused next to Falcore as the others ran over to Spider-Man. "Don't just stand there. Help me up," the bird splicer snapped.

"I got you outside, didn't I?" asked Deadpool, "Wait, did I give you the coupon yet?" He paused, putting a small Subway coupon on the hogtied splicer's head before running for it.

"DEADPOOL, YOU'RE DEAD!" yelled Falcore, which kinda synced to Matt and Chloe that it was Matt's alternate under the genetic manipulation.

"Don't worry. You won't be tied up for long!" called Deadpool as he hopped into a SHIELD jet.

Falcore sighed before seeing three pairs of feet. "I had my reasons," he muttered.

"What did you tell him?" asked Matt.

"Where Lady NegaMorph was. I expected to lead him into an ambush," said Falcore in an annoyed tone.

"I almost want to see that," said Dakota.

"Except now he is on his way to her," snapped Falcore.

"Somehow, I doubt he's going to be taking her to a correctional facility," said Spider-Man.


Flintwing walked towards Lady NegaMorph's room, with Taurus. "We can't just leave Falcore in the lockup," she said to him.

"He doesn't seem to be a high priority," said Taurus, "Lady NegaMorph seems more interesting in working on Zack. Though admittedly, a fish isn't really that much use to anyone."

"Hah...remember how weak we used to be?" sneered Flintwing, adding, "Lord knows what Zack will end up as."

"You think he'll be a hippocampus?" asked Taurus.

"Where did you get that idea?" asked Flintwing with a dubious tone.

"Well, you're half horse, I'm half horse..." said Taurus.

"You're all bull," said Flintwing.

The two ceased their argument as Lady NegaMorph walked down with a smug expression. "Boss lady...erm...when are we rescuing Falcore?" asked Taurus.

"Not too long," said Lady NegaMorph, "I want to see how our new aquatic warrior will do."

"Not too long?" snapped Flintwing before wilting under Lady Nega's glare. Luckily there was a knock at that, a deep voice saying "Chimichanga delivery."

"Who ordered out?" demanded Lady NegaMorph.

"Wasn't me. They put shredded chicken in those things," shuddered Flintwing.

Taurus shrugged, "Not me...wasn't hungry." Everyone turning to look at the door.

"Somebody please open," said the voice outside, "These things are hot." Just then, the door started to melt.

The group jumped back as a brief gout of flame came through the door, a figure visible through the smoke tossing a laser cannon aside. "Who the he...KILL HIM!" snapped Lady NegaMorph, pointing.

Flintwing's beak lit up before she breathed fire at the figure. "Ooooh, spicy chicken." laughed the figure before a stream of extinguisher flam hit the hippogriff in the beak. Flintwing coughed and gagged before the fire extinguisher hit her in the head.

Taurus snorted before charging, only to stagger out the other side with a red blanket over his head and running into a wall with a crunch. "Ole!" yelled the figure, catching a rose that seemed to have come out of nowhere, "You know, I didn't order steak with my chicken. I need to eat slimmer."

Lady NegaMorph, before calling in a sweet voice, "Oh, darling." A wall began to crack before Gary smashed through.

"What is going out here?" asked Gary before seeing a figure dressed in red and black, "Spider-Man?"

"No, totally not. That dude totally copies my style," said the figure, "The name's Deadpool, which rhymes with 'too cool for Spidey's school, look out for the power tool'."

Gary looked around at the unconscious splicers. "Not a social call," he muttered, shifting to Nightclaw.

"Honey?" asked Lady Nega, before saying in a dark tone, "Crush every bone in his body to a fine powder."

"With pleasure, ma cherie," said Nightclaw. But when he turned back, Deadpool was gone. "Where did he go?" asked Nightclaw.

"I said look out for the power tool," said Deadpool who landed on Nightclaw's back and started using a jackhammer on it."

Nightclaw roared angrily, reaching up and grabbing Deadpool in his hands and squeezing till things stopped crackling.

"That takes care of that," said Nightclaw, "Megan, I think it's time we moved."

"Agreed, for once. Get those layabouts up," said Lady NegaMorph.

Nightclaw walked over to Flintwing and Taurus and said, "Get up. He didn't hit you that hard." Just then, someone tapped on his shoulder. "Yes, ma cher?" asked Nightclaw, turning. However, something was shoved into his mouth, followed by a strong electric charge through his body.

Lady Nega turned in horror as the 'dead merc' finished shocking her last line of defense down. "Ok, feeling a little woozy. Now let's see who's worth the bounty," said Deadpool before turning to face Lady Nega.

"Stay back!" snapped Lady Nega, getting into an attack position.

Perhaps his brain wasn't getting enough blood to it right now, but Deadpool didn't see a big bounty for him to bag. He saw a bodacious babe that he wanted to grab. "Whoa, mama. Where you been all my life?" asked Deadpool. The next second a blast of dark magic embedded him in the wall. "Playing...hard to get," rasped Deadpool.

"Did Matt send you here? I forget what his alias is," said Lady Nega.

"Cupid sent me here, sweetie," said Deadpool, pulling himself out of the wall, "Actually, it was some guy called...I forget his name. But no payday's worth more than you, babe."

"Are you...hitting on me?" said Lady Nega in disgust.

"I know you wanna hit on me," said Deadpool, "All the ladies do."

"You are so right," sneered Lady Nega, several metal crates lifting up in her magic as she shifted to dragon form.

"Just when I thought you couldn't get any hotter," said Deadpool in awe.

Lady Nega's reaction was to pummel him with the boxes before torching the pile. Lady Nega turned to the others and said, "Ok, we're going to need to clear out so-"

Suddenly, a bouquet of flowers was shoved under her face. "I hope you're not allergic. I can get hypoallergenic," said Deadpool.

"But I fried you. You shouldn't even be ashes," snapped Lady Nega.

"Didn't anyone tell you about my healing factor? No? You need to get out more," said Deadpool before saying suggestively, "Where would you like me to take you?"

The response was him being crushed under her claws. "Ok, so now can we," started Lady Nega before chocolates were presented before her. "I know everyone's counting calories these days, but you can't say no to chocolates," said Deadpool.

Lady Nega snarled, using her tail to wrap up the merc and lift him to eye level. "Are you some kind of chaos spirit? Where are you getting this stuff?" she snarled.

"Maybe I can tell you over dinner," said Deadpool suggestively.

Lady Nega growled and tightened before she began to feel a little sleepy, noticing a dart in her tail. "Oh...you asshole..." she managed, her voice getting slurred.

"How about we take this to someplace more scenic?" asked Deadpool.

"No!" yelled Nightclaw, who had partially recovered, his gargoyle skin now definitely flesh.

"You mind staying down? Trying to have a little chat with the lady," said Deadpool.

"She's my girlfriend!" snapped Nightclaw.

Deadpool glanced between Nightclaw and Lady Nega. "Hmm, you know, I think she can do way better," said Deadpool.

Lady Nega snarled, her eyes unfocussing as, for a second, Megan took the wheel. "Don't insult my BOYFRIEND!" she snapped, throwing Deadpool out the window and into the harbor outside.

"Megan?" asked Nightclaw hopefully, shifting back to Gary.

Lady Nega shook the dizziness away before snapping, "Let's just go. If he'd managed one more dart, I'd have been out." shifting down to anthro form.

"Oh, you are out, toots," said a voice. The two of them turned only for them to be both covered in separate nets. "Going out with me, that is," said Deadpool, grabbing Lady Nega and walking towards the door, "Later, monsters. Hey, gargoyle, go find a church to sit on."

"No! Megan!" snapped Nightclaw, trying to break free.

"Oh, one more thing," said Deadpool before a lit bomb rolled in front of Nightclaw.

"Shit, shit, shit" snapped Flintwing, trying to get away from it before a blast of water extinguished the fuse, but by then Deadpool was long gone.

"Ok, we're not going to die," said Flintwing before she heard a growl. She looked up to see some sort of monster looming over her, something that looked like a huge wolf wearing the skin, dorsal fin, and tail of an orca and with teeth enough for both of them. "Yet..." squeaked Flintwing.

The wolf thing smirked at that. "Gotcha," he teased, helping Flintwing up, "I heard the commotion from my splice tank. Who was that joker?"

"Apparently that was Deadpool," said Taurus as he got up, "Is that you, Zack?"

"Actually, I think Akhlut would suit me better," said the orca-wolf. The others gave each other confused looks. "It's a creature from Inuit mythology, half wolf, half killer whale," said Akhlut, a little annoyed.

"I always thought that you were Cherokee," said Taurus.

"No, I told you my family's from Alaska. You never listen," said Akhlut.

"Look, we need to focus. That merc stole the mistress. WE MUCH CRUSH HIM!" snapped Taurus.

"Worse than that," snapped Nightclaw, "He was stealing my girlfriend!"

"Ok...so where does he live?" said Zack, an awkward silence falling, "Ok, tell me someone other than Falcore actually got to leave this place.

"Technically Manticora, but she's still in the chamber," said Taurus.

Just then, they heard barking. They looked to see Weirdwolf sniffing the floor. "Weirdwolf, can you smell Megan?" said Nightclaw, the splicers exchanging a bewildered look.

"Megan's smell, yes," said Weirdwolf.

"Ok, lead the way," said Nightclaw encouragingly, before he turned to the others, "You know I disagree with Me-...Lady NegaMorph on violence. But I think tonight, we can make an exception." The splicers all grinning toothily...or, in Flintwing's case, just grinning.


"Yeah, I didn't trust Deadpool for a second. And yeah, I kinda knew he was putting something on my back. But what he didn't know was I was putting something on his back. An improved spider-tracer, now with wi-fi connection, visual link, and guaranteed not to multiply into an insane swarm."

"This is not the time for monologuing," snapped Falcore, attached as the guide to Megan's hideout. His cooperation was helped as Matt had a blaster aimed at him.

"Pardon me if I think you might lead us the wrong way to your mistress," said Spider-Man.

"I gave you my word, did I not?" said Falcore, looking at Matt with what could only be described as a dark look.

"If nothing else, he'll at least want some payback on Deadpool," said Matt.

"Indeed...but we may be overlooking this. There are three of my brethren there as well as Nightclaw. Your Deadpool may think twice," said Falcore calmly.

"Well, he was good enough to take on Taskmaster and his army of mercenaries," said Spider-Man, "I don't know what his track record with monsters is."

"Hmm...turn left here. Warehouse 431," said Falcore calmly, looking down a small road that led to a disused area of the docks.

"It's always the docks, isn't it?" asked Spider-Man. "It's a classic location," said Matt.

"We chose an area SHIELD had recently been through. Where one of Octavius's laboratories was," said Falcore smugly, "Why would SHIELD look for us in a place they had already examined?"

"Makes sense," said Spider-Man before looking at his watch, "Wait, why does Deadpool seem to be going away from here?"

"What?" snapped Falcore, before several blasts shot from below.

"Hey! Who shot that?" snapped Matt.

Falcore peered down before sneering, "My fellows." before, even before Matt or anyone could react, he went into a nosedive towards the group.

"Hey, not so fast," said Spider-Man, dropping after him.


1 minute earlier.

"Ok, so which way next, ya mutt?" said Zack.

Flintwing looked up before she called, "Hey, heroes," spitting a fireball upwards.

"We don't have time for this," snapped Nightclaw.

The splicers weren't listening though, laughing as they began firing upwards, except for Taurus who picked up a car and threw it...before said car was smashed to pieces as Falcore landed. "Urgh, I spend a few weeks in prison and you let it fall apart, Nightclaw," he sneered.

"I have my priorities in order, they don't," said Nightclaw.

Spider-Man landed nearby at that. "Ok, so we got a hippogriff, a minotaur+, a gargoyle... and a dragonwolf and a whalewolf?"

Falcore looked at his side of the group. "Ironically they're with me. I'm assuming Deadpool got here first," he said, glaring at them. "And then you shot at them and me," he said in a voice overflowing with arctic temperature.

"You're allying with SHIELD?" growled Taurus.

"Of convenience. This Deadpool does not seem the sort to hand his quarry to the police," said Falcore icily.

"And whoever put that price on her head probably doesn't want her decorating advice," said Spider-Man.

Nightclaw and Weirdwolf walked forward, Weirdwolf padding ahead and jumping up at Spider-Man, sniffing him, before panting happily. Nightclaw smiled, "He is a good judge of character, monsieur."

"Uh, good dog," said Spider-Man, patting Weirdwolf's head.

Weirdwolf barked happily, going to lick Spider-Man before both Matt and Nightclaw pulled Weirdwolf off. "Acid saliva," explained Matt.

"Enough talk," said Flintwing, "Where is Deadpool?"

Spider-Man checked his watch and said, "Well, according to my spider-tracer, he's in...Central Park?"

"Central Park? That's an idiotic place. The police would be all over him," said Matt.

Falcore nodded before a female voice Chloe recognized screamed, "So...lock me in the speed healer and go out for pizza?"

"Is that who I think it is?" asked Matt.

Falcore just nodded, Matt sensing the shame going off him as he stepped aside to let the voice's owner come into view. Unlike the others, this splicer's human features were more obvious. Her body's dimensions hadn't change asides from putting on a little more muscle and her legs becoming digigrade. And while her face still had a few feline features, it was still obviously Chloe. But there were still some abnormal additions, like the scorpion tail growing out of her spine and the bat wings on her back.

"Manticora, we didn't leave. Lady NegaMorph has been kidnapped and these...heroes are helping us rescue her," said Falcore calmly.

"What did she do to you?" asked Matt, horror in his voice.

Manticora looked at Matt before saying in a curious tone, "Do I know you?"

"Not truly," said Matt a little forlornly.

"Matt, don't beat around the bush about," said Chloe, "That's what got her nabbed."

"Falcore...who are these idiots?" asked Manticora.

"SHIELD heroes, that's all I know," said Falcore.

"Oh, come on!" snapped Matt.

Falcore walked forward, pulling Matt back. "Should I tell her who we both are?" he snarled.

"Why-" started Matt before stopping himself. He knew why, why he wanted to keep Chloe out of this. "Fine," he finally said.

Falcore nodded, calling to the others, "We head for Central Park."


When Lady Nega started to come to again, she thought she heard water. Getting her eyes to focus, she saw that she was surrounded by water. Further attention revealed she was sitting in a rowboat. "Oh God no..." she muttered, the connection quickly made.

"Nice little spot, isn't it?" Lady Nega turned to see the boat's other occupant.

"Deadpool, let me be clear: I hate you. I hate you beyond any possible measurement. NOW LET ME GO!" she snapped.

"Go where? We're in the middle of a lake," said Deadpool teasingly. Lady NegaMorph spread her wings and took off. "Oh, you can fly. Should have thought of that."

"And I can do this," said Lady Nega, smugly, sending a beam of magic out that sliced a hole in the boat.

"Oh, you silly little minx. Claiming you hate me and trying to sink our love boat. But I know your games. I just know that you're blubalabalaba..." said Deadpool, the last part being when his head sank into the water.

"Urgh, this is getting stupid," muttered Lady Nega, pulling out a comm unit. "Nightclaw, tell me you're on your way," she snapped.

She got warbled radio static before an unwanted voice said, "Sorry, your call has been redirected to someone a lot more handsome."

She glared down before firing a destruction spell into the lake where the boat had been. "Just drown already," she snapped.

"You know, the water looks good from up here," said the voice. Lady Nega turned to see Deadpool beside her. "Check it out, I got a jetpack. Now we can go on a flying date," he said.

"I swear to God I will shove you in a black soul gem," muttered Lady Nega before trying to fly for it.

Deadpool got ready to chase before a phone rang in one of his many pockets before a voice said, "Deadpool, we are not paying you to seduce villains."

"Then you shouldn't send me after the hot ones," said Deadpool, "Look at her, she's at least a 7.7 on the hotness chart, probably 9.4"

"Deadpool, you can choose to do the job or NOT GET PAID!" snapped the voice.

"You people are just no fun," said Deadpool with a pout.

"NOW, DEADPOOL!" screamed the voice before Deadpool hung up.

"Oh well..." he said before saying in his dark voice, "Back to business."


Meanwhile, Spider-Man and the, er, others had arrived at Central Park. "Ok, this is a big place so we may need to spread out," said Spider-Man.

Weirdwolf sniffed the air before running into the undergrowth. "Weirdwolf's got a scent," called Matt, before a couple of screams were heard. "That sounds like the wrong set of screams," said Matt.

Dakota looked through the bush and said flatly, "He just broke up a couple's picnic. Not our couple." Weirdwolf trotted back, burping happily.

"Ok, who's got the cash to pay for the traumatized lover's picnic?" asked Matt. Everyone looked at him at that. "Haaaate…" he muttered.


One payment later...

Ok, Weird, FIND MEGAN!" Snapped Matt.

"Maybe I should be the one tracking her," said Akhlut. Weirdwolf turned to Akhlut as he continued "What's one little mutt supposed to-" before Weirdwolf grew to tower over him, snarling "-loyal, clever mutant dog." said Akhlut, without missing a beat.

"Since when could Weirdwolf do that?" squeaked Chloe.

"Since he drank that gamma potion," said Nightclaw.

Weirdwolf shrank back down and sat down in dog form, wagging his tail.

"Ok, now find Megan before Deadpool gets away," snapped Matt.

"Yo, you rang?" asked Deadpool, stepping out behind a tree, "Hey, don't want to keep you all waiting and stuff, but I need to borrow the lawn ornament for a while. See ya later." With that, he grabbed Gary and ran behind the bushes.

Matt and Falcore in unison fired their blasts, resulting in several dozen falling trees that immediately fell into two neat slices. "Those trees don't grow back up overnight, you know," said Spider-Man.

"We were trying to stop that annoyance. Splicers, spread out. Most of you have as good a nose as Weirdwolf," Falcore said calmly.

"He can't have gone far," said Flintwing.

Just then, a big cloud of noxious brown gas blew in. "Oh, not again," groaned Dakota.

Falcore glared lifting a few feet of the ground and flapping hard. "Not this time, fool," he said in a low voice.

The cloud blew away before it could reach them ."Ok, that's a relief," said Dakota.

"What does he want with Nightclaw anyways?" asked Taurus.

"Either bait for drawing out Lady Nega or getting rid of the competition," said Dakota.

"After that gargoyle!" called Matt, changing to dragon and taking off, Dakota flying after him.


DEADPOOOL!" roared Nightclaw.

"Yeah, that's mah name," said Deadpool, "Now, less about me, more about her. She seems to have a thing for you and, for some weird reason, she doesn't seem to have that thing with me. Care to explain that?"

"You wish for the truth?" said Nightclaw angrily.

"The Deadpool charm is irresistible," said Deadpool, "Hasn't been a lady yet who would say no."

"You are an uncouth fool, who barely thinks one step ahead. You have no idea of romance, unlike my fellow French. You have no chance with her," sneered Nightclaw.

"Oh, I get it now," said Deadpool, "She's got a thing for French guys. Bet she even digs that Batroc guy, right?"

Gary glared at that, before charging Deadpool. Deadpool sidestepped Gary, not even appearing to realize she was attacking. "So I just need to whip up a little Parisian charm and she'll be all over me. Easy enough. How hard could it be?" said Deadpool.

"I'LL KILL YOU IF YOU TOUCH HER!" roared Nightclaw.

"And as for you, I got you a return ticket," said Deadpool.

Mind-twisting confusion wasn't often a good way of stopping rampaging anger, except in Deadpool's case. Nightclaw paused and asked, "Excuse me?"

"I'm sending ya home, mon ami," said Deadpool, "Fastest way possible."

Nightclaw looked confused before Deadpool kicked him back against something behind him...something metal. "What the-" started Gary before Deadpool clamped against it.

"Buckle up. Seatbelts save lives," said Deadpool.

Nightclaw heard a whine getting higher pitched before he glared. "You didn't…" he began before the rocket booster ignited and sent him skywards.

"Yeah, have fun in France! Eat plenty of frog legs and snails! Au revoir!" yelled Deadpool as the rocket flew out of the city.

Deadpool's phone rang again at that. "Deadpool, tell me you have her. And if I even think you're still after her romantically, you are not getting paid," snapped the voice.

"Relax. I'm just getting rid of some competition," said Deadpool, "So many people are after her bountiful, I mean, her bounty."

"For that, I'd deducting $100,000 off your fee," said the voice angrily.

"$100,000?!" snapped Deadpool, losing his playful attitude for once, "That's just, you can't, grrrrrr!" He paused and said, "Any of the younger readers should cover their ears. Or skip this part, whatever."

"I am gonna deduct another 100 grand each 30 minutes you don't deliver Lady Nega to my men," snapped the voice.

Deadpool would have gone totally red if that wasn't already his main color scheme. "Ok, ok, you get your point," said Deadpool, "I'll get you your girl."

"Alive, Deadpool. Alive, or you take her place," snapped the voice.

"I wasn't going to un-alive her," said Deadpool.

His little Devilpool said sarcastically, "Oh yeah, totally. Weren't thinking that at all."

"My team will be landing soon. Now get her NOW!" snapped the voice before it went dead.

"Last time I deliver any bounties to that jerk," said Deadpool, "Ok, enough with the cat and mouse. Time to bring out the dog."


Lady Nega landed in one of central parks forests, looking around carefully to see if Deadpool was around. No doubt the small fire nearby was Matt and his friends. "I'm almost tempted to go to them," said Lady Nega, "Anyone would be better than that creep."

She paused with a smirk. SHIELD's prisons would be laughable to escape from. A couple of weeks till Deadpool got bored and she could escape, maybe get Falcore out too if he was willing to let her polish his loyalty. He should have fought his way back to her ages ago.

"Ok, how should I do this? Do I want to seem desperate to get away from him? No, a little too undignified," said Lady Nega. Just then, she heard turbines overhead.

She also heard Deadpool's voice in the distance, speaking in a terrible French accent, "Oh, ma'cherry? I got snails."

Lady Nega said desperately, "I hear SHIELD prison gets cable." With that, she sent up a flare of fire magic.

A second flare went up in the distance, Lady Nega running towards it and out into a clearing where the dropship was landed, before two blasters were aimed at her, a dozen more SHIELD operatives aiming. "SHIELD is stepping up their game," remarked Lady Nega.

"Lady NegaMorph, you're under arrest," snapped one of the troopers.

Lady NegaMorph's instincts were telling her to fight, to knock these fools down and flee. But that would mean more chasing from Deadpool. "I surrender as long as you shoot Deadpool," she said calmly. Just then, a shot went off behind her, making Lady NegaMorph instinctively duck.

"Hey! That's my bounty!" snapped Deadpool, the troopers turning to aim.

"The way I see it, we caught her while you were fooling around," said the field commander.

"Wait a second," said Lady Nega, "That bounty on my head was put there by SHIELD?"

"You're a lunatic with genetic weapons. And Deadpool, Commander said you're not getting paid. We caught her. Not you," said the field commander.

Deadpool's eye twitched as he heard a merc's three least favorite words. "Not...getting...PAID?!" he snapped before pulling out his guns.

Lady NegaMorph looked at the commander. "Please?" she begged before blasting Deadpool away Team Rocket style before they could stop her. "Totally worth it," she said happily as they tackled her.


The hunt for Lady NegaMorph was not going well with Spider-Man and the others. The young sorceress was surprisingly hard to track and the splicers got distracted when a rocket suddenly shot out of the park. Ok, they were all distracted by that.

"Is that Gary?" asked Matt, watching through his helmet's zoom.

"Clamped to that rocket," said Falcore with an annoyed sigh.

"Captain," said Matt's wrist comp, "A SHIELD armored transport has landed close by. Miss Roph's signal is there."

"Huh, that's weirdly convenient," said Matt.


The group didn't take long to reach the clearing, Lady Nega in power dampening cuffs, Matt turning to see the splicers melting into the shadows, though Weirdwolf was still with them.

"What happened to Deadpool?" asked Spider-Man, looking around.

"Just take the win," said Chloe darkly.

"Speaking of which, why aren't they handing her over to you?" asked Spider-Man.

Matt walked forward. "That's our prisoner, thank you very much," he said confidently.

"After all her crimes, I think not," said the field commander, "She has a lot to answer for."

"I'm so sorry. I didn't hear that. Nick fury said me and my team could handle her, not you," said Matt, his jovial tone starting to drain.

"You'll have to take it up with him," said the commander, "But she's coming with us."

"For your sake...Or I'll personally floss with you," snarled Matt.

"If it's any consolation," called Lady Nega mockingly, "You wouldn't have held me any longer than these coppers will."

Matt glared as the transport took off, the splicers finally coming out. "Fat lot of good you were," snapped Taurus.

"What did you think was going to happen when we caught up with her?" asked Chloe, "We'd make Deadpool go away and let her go?"

"Enough, arguing will get us nowhere," snapped Manticora.

"Shall we deal with these so-called heroes?" asked Flintwing, flames licking the sides of her beak.

Falcore glared before saying, "No, we're all exhausted. We wait for Nightclaw to return. Weirdwolf, come." Weirdwolf looked at him before trotting over to Chloe's side.

"What do you think you're doing, you mongrel?" snapped Taurus.

"No like you," said Weirdwolf.

"Not that surprising," said Spider-Man, "Don't they have deodorant for minotaurs?"

Taurus snorted. "Can't I just snap the spider man?" he asked.

Falcore glared, "No...we have a new hideout to find anyway."

"That much is true," said Akhlut, "It better be someplace by water."

Falcore gave Matt one last glare before leaving, Chloe finally asking "What did you say to him?"

Matt said, "The truth..."

"Did he believe you?" asked Chloe.

"We'll have to see if he did or not," said Matt, "But first, I need to talk to a certain one-eyed director."


Here's a shorter chapter, featuring the aggravating Deadpool. This chapter's more about humor and it's a prelude for the next chapter that's coming. It should be up on Wednesday. Keep an eye out for it and please review.