He started by pacing and that did nothing so he went to organize his belongings. And that was… well, he didn't really have much besides a broken phone and charger, a cracked container, a set of white scrubs (as Leorio had called them), and a sheath for a knife that he didn't have. His hip pouch was safely tucked away beside all of his belongings in the large leather satchel and he huffed as he pulled everything out to look them over. Everything Jasper had was trash but… he just couldn't make himself throw it away. It reminded him far too much of the trash piles at home and digging through them with Uncle Al to find fun pieces to turn into something else. He couldn't exactly do that with his own pieces of useless belongings but he still couldn't just… let them go. Frustrated at the useless activity, Jasper shoved everything back into their spots and stomped over to the bed again. He plopped down, crossing his legs and started meditating pulling his ren around him like a cloak. It was likely to attract attention but he had no idea what else he could do!
Not only will you attract attention, you'll tire yourself out, Harry grumbled.
Which was true. Ugh.
He released his nen and flopped backwards throwing his arms out to either side focusing instead on the sounds around him. He thought he heard footsteps pass in front of his door but beyond that there was nothing. It was a silence so loud it made his ears ring. Extremely disconcerting was a great description for it. There'd only been one time- only one time the silence-
Jasper, stop.
He blinked, taken aback by the ringing voice in his head. What was that?
You were about to have a flashback, Harry sighed. Jasper could just picture the boy running his hand through messy locks.
A flashback?
There was another aggrieved sigh but his headmate did eventually answer.
The way the mind works is… strange. Your memories from before the seal are intact but you're cutting yourself off from them. When I… When I first woke up after the seal, your mind was like a maelstrom, tearing itself to pieces trying to- I don't even know what but it wasn't good. You- I… had to shield you from it. Eventually your own mind adopted it's own shield copying my own. Neither one was perfect and if the situation was close enough a corresponding memory would try to reassert itself in the form of a flashback.
When our nen was released my shield fell but yours is still there. It's weaker now though, with my shield gone, so I try to keep on top of it, catch the bits that slip through, but there's still… Well...
Jasper blinked trying to process that. "So… when you showed me the memory… the shadows weren't you?"
No. The shadows are all you now. I have some control over them but the more holes I poke, the more memories will be able to come through.
"That's a good thing, isn't it?"
… Very bad things happened to you, Jasper. I don't want you having to relive that.
Jasper scrunched his toes into his thighs as he thought over his response. He did want to know what had happened to him but there was a growing uncertainty that plagued him. First, Harry almost felt scared when he talked about Jasper's missing memories and second… The first memory they tried almost killed Jasper. It was a harsh memory, probably a very bad first choice, but it had been done and now that lingering fear of it happening again was still there.
Still, they were his memories; his experiences and thoughts. How was he ever supposed to grow if he couldn't learn from past mistakes?
With a frown he mulled over his relationship with Gon and Killua. If he didn't have the ability to keep his memories now, what would his relationship with them be like? Would they consider him a burden and leave? He couldn't even remember how they first met and how they treated him. And really he wasn't so sure about why he'd been adamant about going after Killua before he'd had his memory restored. There was the burning curiosity- the small amount of information Gon gave through stories only made it burn brighter- but Jasper didn't think that's all it was. Something inside of him told him to go, and told him to bring Killua back.
Or did it? Maybe he's adding these emotions now to his memories of then.
"Argh." He fisted a hand in his hair, the other on the blanket and gave a groan of frustration. He couldn't figure it out and not having his memories didn't help at all! "Aghh!"
Jasper…
"I hate this, Harry! You know so much about me and I- I can't even remember anything my so called friends have told me about themselves when we first met! It wasn't even that long ago! I don't understand!"
There was a lead feeling in his gut that didn't come from him. Harry spoke up, his words tasting strangely of ash and dirt. Wouldn't it just be better to let it all go? To not worry and spend time with your friends?
He grunted in disgust. "No! Everything in my head is me! What if I saw something important that could lead me to my family? What if Gon and Killua told me something I wasn't supposed to forget? Even if they knew I- that I can't-"
I think you're thinking about this too much. Maybe you should just try to sleep.
"And I hate that you do that, Harry! All you do is avoid it! You won't talk about it, you won't let me think about it. You're so scared of it any time it's brought up-!"
I'm not scared!
"Yes you are," Jasper hissed. "You're scared and you're a coward because you keep running away!"
I'm not a coward!
That rage was back, burning into his lungs, suffocating him with the strength of it but Jasper would not be cowed. Even if the rage did not initially belong to him, he could still feel it, he could still use it, feed off of it.
His hand flung out in front of him clutching at nothing as he ground his teeth. Why did Harry have to do this? Why did he have to keep him from his goal!?
WHY!?
Jasper-! Stop!
"How dare you," he growled. "How dare you-!?"
He fell upon the man with righteous anger, his knife going in and out and in and out and-
Jasper fell back onto his butt with a sob. He ignored the ever growing redredred that stained his hands and clothes. How was he supposed to find his family if he couldn't get a Hunter's License? How could he go back to them and tell him that he was a failure!?
(Would they still want him?)
Jasper surfaced, gasping for air, sitting up straight so fast that he tumbled off the bed with his forward momentum.
I'm sorry! I'm so sorry-!
"Did I-? I killed him? I stabbed him so many times! That was me?"
But Harry was beyond unhelpful, stuck in a constant loop of apologies. Jasper swallowed harshly trying to calm his racing heart with calm repetitive breaths. It worked slowly, not that Harry was helping with his never ending litany. Eventually he snapped at his head mate and Harry shut up immediately.
Without that constant background noise, Jasper found it easier to ground himself, digging his fingers into the carpet over and over.
"Harry… was that me? Please… answer me honestly."
There was silence, a staggering lack of emotion too when all Jasper was used to were the constant brushes of Harry's strange emotions whispering across his mental and physical body. Finally, when he was becoming so unnerved at the situation that his eyes were starting to burn, the other boy spoke.
It was you.
His breath left him a great whoosh, a terrible feeling of stickiness clogging up his throat. Why would he go after someone like that? Jasper wouldn't- No… he probably would kill someone if it was to save himself. Uncle Gin, Aunt Fei, even Daddy had all told him that it was better he survive than someone else but-
But, that wasn't survival. That was anger. Jasper had been angry and he'd stabbed the man over and over-
I'm so sorry.
"Stop apologizing," he rasped, bringing one hand up to rub at his forehead.
This- this is why I didn't want you to know! You shouldn't have to see-
"I did that, though, Harry. That was me. I should know what I did so I don't do it again." Jasper breathed deeply, glad that his heart had calmed, that he could breathe again. "Who was he?"
You called him Camo, Harry started hesitantly. He was one of the people partnered with you for the Third Phase of the Hunter Exam.
"You mentioned them before, didn't you? We killed the man… you said that. But it was all me. I didn't even do it because he was hurting me… he was just- just in the way."
He didn't know how he felt about that right now. Numb? Probably. Was it even the fact he killed the man he was upset about, or that he had done it in a fit of tantrum? He couldn't tell… He didn't really want to.
Jasper….
"Don't. Just don't." He sucked in a deep breath trying to focus on something else… anything else. "Why did this time feel different from the last?"
…. What do you mean?
"When I went into my head to view the memory I was still partially aware of where I was… I still knew I wasn't there even if the emotions overwhelmed me. But this time… It was like I was really back there. Like… I don't know."
I don't know either. Everything happening… It's new. This is your mind and now I'm here… I don't know what to do.
"Why do you do that," he asked thoughtlessly, tugging at the soft fiber between his fingers.
Do what?
"Talk like we're not- Like you're not a part of me." He could feel Harry gearing up for another stupidly avoidant answer so he kept talking. "I don't care if you weren't me once, you know? Like if I'm your reincarnation or something. We're the same soul, right? Everything I have is yours and it should be the other way around too. I just- You always talk like we're separate and we're not and I hate it!"
Jasper…
"Stop doing that too! Saying my name like that! I hate it, so stop it! I'm not stupid and I'm not weak! I don't need to be coddled, Harry!" His fingers dug into the carpet, gripping at the small bit of shag available, enough to almost rip it from the floor in his anger.
I'm not coddling-
"Yes, you are!"
Will you stop arguing with me-?
"No! Because you're not getting it! I can handle it, okay? Maybe I chose wrong when we looked first but I can handle the past! I got through this memory fine, didn't I? No heart attacks. I didn't hurt myself-!"
You mean besides launching yourself off the bed-
"AND THEY'RE MY MEMORIES!"
His words echoed slightly in the room and he held his breath in the aftermath. When no footsteps sounded, no butlers or assassins came charging in, he slowly let himself relax, his shoulders slumping as he dropped his forehead to the floor, his knees bent beneath him.
If we're one and the same, why can't you just trust me to hold onto these memories?
Jasper scoffed. "Of course I trust you… Why can't you trust me?"
Harry didn't answer, his silence an answer all in itself.
"We don't have to start big, Harry. That was a mistake. I get it. But I at least want to know my friends. I want to see the Hunter Exam… you told me I should start with that first anyway, right?"
Fine.
"Sir!"
Gotoh glanced up from the paperwork he was working on. Supplies were becoming short in Kakin and he was going to have to do a subtle investigation. The last time this had happened there was unrest in their underground. If that was the case again, some butlers were going to have to sort things out. Whether there were issues or not, the metal they were being supplied was important to young master Milluki as well as the Lady Kikyo and it was his duty to see the masters were supplied with everything they needed.
He glanced up with an aborted sigh, setting down the sheet he was running calculations over. Canary stood before him, her back ramrod straight, a vanilla folder clenched in her hands.
Now, Gotoh had worked with his apprentice for a very long time so, despite her blank mask and posture he could still see the small ticks that gave away her emotions. Her shoulders were higher than normal indicating a hesitance but the tilt of her mouth was more excited than anything else.
"What have you brought me?"
She held out the file and he took it, reading the top label.
M M C 19
"I think he's one of them, sir," Canary said firmly, folding her arms behind her back. "Jasper Lucilfer. The looks and age are a match as well as nen activation confirmation. He also described a disease specific to Meteor City as if he had witnessed it."
"Did he now," Gotoh murmured rhetorically. The suspicion of the boy being head of the Phantom Troupe's son had already been mentioned by Master Silva and Master Zeno earlier but they had denied looking for confirmation. If it was not confirmed, they were under no obligation to inform the parents. He understood why the masters did not want to confirm anything even if he did not approve of it. Gotoh was a soft-heart, he always had been, which was why he knew how to handle rearing Canary into a loyal butler. So he absolutely understood her desire to reunite Jasper with his family. Unfortunately, the Zoldyck Family came first.
To give him more time to formulate a response for Canary he flipped the file open, flipping through them. The first six were the confirmed deceased, the next four were the confirmed found, and the last nine were still missing. In the middle of these nine, Gotoh stopped on Jasper's file looking it over with a grim frown.
There were very few details on the first page with the second only detailing contact information, the same as all the other children. At least this one had a photo, a hand painted one but still more than most of the other children had. Looking over the file, seeing the portrait compared to the older version…
Gotoh sighed.
Whatever had happened after his abduction from Meteor city was not anything close to kind. Currently, Jasper was worryingly thin (though that was thankfully being seen to) and had multiple suspicious scars that stood out upon closer observation. The boy deserved to go back to his family and yet-
He snapped the file shut.
"Per our master's orders we are not to confirm any relation between our guest Jasper and the missing Meteor City children."
Canary's jaw dropped, her composure faltering. Normally it would be an instant reprimand, but on this occasion he could allow it. As Meteor City residents themselves it was a most heinous act to turn on other citizens that were being threatened from 'outside'. Never before had the family interfered in assisting their home city for multiple reasons; never before had they been made to choose. And yet-
"But- Gotoh, sir-"
"Canary."
She stopped, her mouth closing with a click of dipped her head in a nod, her mouth forming a pensive line.
"Canary. We are sworn to the Zoldyck Family and to protect the young masters from any potential backlash we cannot inform Meteor City of the whereabouts of Jasper Lucilfer until such a time as they are separated. Do you understand?"
The clock in his office ticked softly, the time dragging on into the night until Canary's eyes slipped closed. "I understand, sir."
Jasper yawned, rubbing his eyes trying to douse the itching… It only made them feel heavier.
Maybe staying up wasn't the best idea?
Assassin household, Harry grumped.
Ugh.
At least the morning rays were starting to peak over the window ledge which meant he could leave the room soon. Probably. They never did say if they were supposed to wait for someone to get them or not. What if they were just supposed to leave?
With a groan, Jasper forced himself up from the floor where he'd been viewing memories the whole night, already regretting moving in the first place. With a grunt he started on the stretches Menchi had showed him back when they first started training at the guard house. When first attempting them, he'd felt quite the burn but now it wasn't so bad. He could bend himself in half from the waist, stretch his legs out to either side in a straight line, and even bend his torso straight back from a standing position to grab his ankles. He'd been rather pleased with his progress and Menchi's proud smirk was a great motivator. Not that he'd ever tell her that.
He still hadn't technically agreed to be her apprentice but she was training him in spite of that and it was working. Despite her dodge or die methods, Jasper appreciated what she was doing for him. And he could admit that he felt a lot better, a lot stronger, now that he was eating on Menchi's schedule. His mentor was harsh and had a bit of a temper but he liked her anyway.
"Hey, Harry…?"
Hm?
"Thanks for last night."
Getting dragged into his headspace again with Harry left him with that same weird feeling of his whole self being wobbly. He wondered why that only happened when Harry was around but honestly he'd been too excited to look at memories to think about it too much.
And wow… he was really glad that they had looked last night. The memories from the Hunter Exams ended up being a mixture of small fractures of light that looked like stars in the shadowy part of his head and more shadowy curtains that Harry pulled open for him. Just like the first time, Harry left him to view on his own, instead choosing to monitor Jasper's body and the happenings outside.
Left to his own devices in the middle of a hallway looking structure with several curtains opened to look like doors and shimmering fragments lighting his way, he'd explored to his heart's content. The first time he'd met Gon, shown in the cracked shimmer of a fragment in time, had given him a bit of a laugh. It was good to know the boy was exactly the same as was the promise he'd made to stick around and help him find his family and explain things to him. Killua on the other hand had a colder start, seeming much more interested in Gon's exuberance, which made sense even if it had been slightly disappointing. Leorio and Kurapika were in there too, each showing their own level of worry and care. It was slightly annoying that he had to be cared for so much, that he couldn't have passed the exam without their help… but it also made a soft warmth curl inside his chest.
The first bad memory that he viewed was also a fragment, a cracked reflection of a red head with his hair slicked back, yellow eyes full of amused cruelty. It had shocked him so badly that Harry had shown up once again ready to end everything.
"I won't push," he had ended up promising. "I just wasn't expecting it to be here after everything else."
"I tried to keep the worst out," Harry admitted, "but I'm not perfect and the bad is tied to the good. Be careful, Jasper."
Once again he was left to explore and he was careful after that. He'd run into a few other nasty surprises, like the oppressive darkness covered in stone and red flickering torches and the clown-dressed red-head again, but nothing ever startled him as badly as the man breaking his wrist in the first fragment.
Jasper started visiting the bigger memories hidden behind the half-open curtains as soon as he ran out of fragments. The first one had been on a boat the ocean spread before him. The awe of the moment mixed with the awe of the retelling as he studied how the light glimmered over the open blue, darks and lights mixing for the most beautiful scene he'd ever witnessed. Then Gon and Killua were there and he learned about the badges for one of the phases. The next curtain was a continuation. He got to witness his own triumph in getting a badge and getting back to the beginning even not knowing where he was going. The one after that was Gon speaking to him in a clean room about his family, Jasper sharing his memory of Mimi.
It was all just…. Him. Everything he should have known, should have remembered.
You're welcome.
Harry's quiet statement drew him back into the present and he grinned up at the ceiling as he arched himself back up into a standing position.
"We should do it more often," he hummed happily.
We really shouldn't.
"What! Oh, come on! Stop teasing," he huffed, throwing his arms above his head to stretch those as well. He could never get a good stretch burn from his arms like he could from his torso or legs.
I'm actually serious. I- I don't mind doing it every now and then… You should… you should see the good memories at least. But Jasper, regaining memories is a strain on the mind.
He frowned in thought, tossing an arm over his chest and clutching at it with the other, trying to stretch it further. "I don't feel strained? No headache or anything."
That's because I'm helping out-
"Aren't you always going to help?"
AND the damage seems to be cumulative. The more you watched the worse it got. It's nothing serious, not like the first time but I want to wait a while to see if it fixes itself.
He wondered exactly what the damage was that Harry mentioned as he tossed his other arm across his chest, switching them. But what came out of his mouth was completely different and he didn't realize what he said until after. Not that he didn't mean it or that he would take it back. "You promise?"
Yeah, Jasper. I promise.
Relief loosened his muscles and he allowed his arms to drop glancing over to the window. It was still dark but bright enough now to be considered dawn. His window wasn't facing the sun rising though so he wasn't sure if sunrise was a thing happening just yet. They were on top of a really tall mountain so they'd probably be the first part of this side of the world to see it. Actually he wondered what a sunrise looked like from so high up?
Maybe he should leave his room to look?
Except before he could even try, his door knob was twisting as he watched it. There'd been no sound before that, no footsteps at all. Even the knob wasn't making any noise as it slowly twisted open. He stared at it wide-eyed, his heart racing against his ribs.
Was he about to be murdered? Oh no… were his friends okay?
The door slowly opened, still silent and terrifying.
White hair. Round blue eyes.
His lungs abruptly deflated.
It was only Killua.
AN: So I've been having a blast with one of my readers coming up with prompts and AUs. Eventually, once I get to a certain point in the story, I want to start working on them so I'm wondering if I should start a discord/tumbler/twitter for this story. Is it even popular enough for that? I dunno. I leave that up to you readers to tell me, would you talk to me/ask questions if I gave you a different avenue of contact?
Alright and now for our regularly scheduled ending! As always tell me what you think~! Oh! And here's a link for a pic I made on Jasper's file ;)
(Erase the spaces as well as the parentheses around the .com!)
drive . google (.com)/file/d/1J3AXhPTSZ0vOdHuI6zYEBrS9CuYWHvUy/view?usp=sharing
Q&A: Tetractys- Good thing these are well-trained wolves ;) Harry's lucky they didn't do anything after his outburst.
Drakality- Menchi's recipes are pretty expensive but yea, they're Zoldycks! Also, she had them sign a contract stating they couldn't sell her recipes. Poor Jasper is in for a tough time! And Harry absolutely does not like Silva now. Kalluto is gonna be fun to play with~! And Kurapika is definitely going to speed forward full force! As always thanks for the review!
