TRIGER WARNING: Suicidal thoughts
If you don't want to read them do not look at the bolded words in parentheses, k? I put this here for all ya'lls safety, so. be. safe.
"There. Done."
Killua pulled his hands back as quickly as possible while still trying to make it seem natural. It's not that what Harry was doing was hurting. In fact today was supposed to be the last session. It was just- seeing Nutty's face- Nutty's hands-
His pale scarred fingers so close to the boy he'd killed-
His chest would clench, hot pokers working their way into his forearms, the burn traveling along his arms. And Killua knew it was all false. It was all in his head. He wasn't stupid!
His reactions weren't normal but there was nothing that he could do except bear with it until it was over. This weakness of his was unacceptable and he would get over it. He just… needed time to figure out how.
"So, how does it feel?"
He scowled down at his hands, flexing his fingers carefully. The pain was certainly gone but now they were stiff, the skin pulling unpleasantly tight over his knuckles. He clenched them into a fist and couldn't help but be disappointed at how weak it was. He was using his full strength and his nails were barely digging into his palm, while his whole hand shook as if it was the most exhausting thing his body had ever done.
"No pain," he grunted, trying again to form a fist.
"That's good," Harry hummed, his strange accent rolling over the words in a soft drawl. "Are they working okay for you?"
Did it look like his hands were working okay?
He tsked in annoyance, keeping his mouth shut. He was just annoyed. Annoyed at his limpet younger brother, annoyed at his useless self, annoyed at the easy fights of the arena that weren't allowing him to let off any steam. He was just annoyed at practically everything and he didn't want to take that out on Harry who was going out of his way to help.
He thought it was unnecessary (because he was a monster he didn't deserve it so why did Harry keep helping why why why) but Harry was insistent so it was just easier to let him instead of making a huge fuss about it. Killua would rather not alert Gon to anything going on with his hands. Honestly, with how weirdly sharp he could be about some things, it was a surprise Gon hadn't caught on yet. Killua wasn't about to enlighten him.
"Fine," he finally managed to squeeze out. "I'm going to bed now."
Harry snorted. "Sure. Don't forget Menchi said she has someone she wants to introduce to us tomorrow."
"Yea, yea. See you tomorrow."
"Killua." The white haired boy paused, his back already to the other. "You're a good friend."
No. I'm not.
But the words never leave his lips. Harry's footsteps were already drifting away and all Killua could do was sag against the doorframe for a moment. He didn't need Gon or Kalluto seeing him like this and pestering him but he just… needed a moment. Just one.
With a strangled breath held in his aching lungs, the young assassin finally pushed himself up and staggered over to the bed. His face met the duvet with a satisfying plop and he laid there, even as his chest started burning from lack of air.
(It would be so easy.
He could just stay like this.
No breathing required.
One less monster in the world.)
Killua turned his head to the side and let out the air in his lungs slowly. Then he sucked in a deep breath of cool sweet air.
… He was really tired. Gon would be fine if he slept first right?
Drip Drip Drip
Why was it dripping? Was it another leak?
Killua was so annoyed. Why did he have to be the one to always find the leaks. It was so much work. Training just wasn't fair!
Still, he needed to do it.
He needed to find the way out. To cut these chains off his limbs once and for all. But that infernal dripping wasn't going away!
He padded down the stone hallways, the grey of the stone blurring and bending in his field of vision. He frowned at it.
Drip Drip Drip
Oh. The wall was telling him where to go?
Yes! It was! The small dragon that formed on its surface, scuttled to and fro, it's inky body curling against the gray stones as it directed Killua out and away. Led by the dragon, he confidently stepped through the large oaken door.
Then Stopped.
Drip Drip Drip
Killua stared at himself. He stared at the blood dripping from his hands, splashing onto the white expanse of Jasper's face. Green and blue eyes glared at him from a deathly pallor and Killua wanted to scream.
"I only did as I was told," Killua hummed, studying his sharp bloodied fingernails. His eyes were dull and almost black in their apathy.
"That's right. Killua does as he's told, like the assassin that he is," Illumi agreed, stepping forward from the shadows the dragon had disappeared into. His older brother wandered forward, casually sticking a needle directly into Killua's forehead.
He whimpered, watching this scene. His own hand came up to trace the empty space of his forehead. He wasn't like that. He wasn't.
Killua turned his head down to focus on the body lying beside his foot. "He's a monster anyway. So, what does it matter?"
"That's right. We're all monsters." Illumi wandered around the other Killua, playing with his needles, settling a few here and there amongst the white locks. Each new needle was ignored, like it didn't exist and Killua felt wretched.
He needed to get away. He couldn't watch this. He was supposed to be free! What was this? He wouldn't do this!
The other Killua looked up sharply, Illumi standing at his back, hands folded neatly over his little brother's shoulders. "Don't try to lie. You did this."
No!
With a great heave and a roar, he bounded across the room to tear the head off the shoulders of the imposter. With a great tear-
Drip Drip Drip
He could feel his brother's hands on his shoulders but everything was dark. He could not see or breath or hear.
But he could feel. He felt his head torn from his neck. He felt that cold needle pierce his heart.
He felt-
Like a monster.
Killua woke up frozen. Every muscle in his body was stiff and his lungs ached with the need to breathe. His body, long since trained out of making noise, had locked up on him to keep from making any sudden movements or noises.
It took close to ten minutes of effort that left him shivering before Killua was able to get himself to move. He forced himself out of the bed, careful of disturbing Gon, and rushed into the bathroom so that he could shove his face into cold water. He plugged the bathtub and stared, his swirling mind as violent and churning as the water from the faucet as he waited. When it was finally to an acceptable level, he smashed his face into it, breathing out slowly until his head sank, forehead tapping against the porcelain tub side.
The shock of the cold was appreciated. The muffled roar of the still running water pounded into his ears washing away the insistent dripping noise from his dream.
He stayed like this, lungs burning-
(So easy…)
Until he finally gave into his protesting body's demands, yanking himself up hard enough that water from his hair splattered the wall in front of him. A harsh breath from his nose sent water droplets spinning through the air.
Killua stared at his blurred image in the rippling water and sighed before reaching for the faucet and cranking it off.
He knew Jasper was still alive. He was only one room over (Gon and Killua's room squashed between Kalluto and Jasper, while the Hunter was on the other side of Jasper), sleeping soundly, probably frolicking with his head mate in his dreams.
He knew that.
And yet he still needed to make sure.
To see him free of blood, to see him breathing-
"Ugh… I'm so weak," Killua muttered, tapping his forehead against the rim of the tub.
Somehow… somehow he was going to figure out how to make these stupids reactions stop.
But right now… he had time to sneak over to Nutty's room for a bit.
"Alright rugrats, take a seat."
The four boys sat.
Nutty was adamant about sitting next to Gon while Killua took the other side. He even turned on the bed they'd claimed so he was using the taller boy as a backrest. It was such a tiny stupid thing that made his chest clench but his shoulders droop. Killua wasn't nearly as touch needy as the other boy though and ended up crossing his legs so he could knock knees with his friend.
Kalluto had chosen a position in the extra chair that had been brought to the room from who knows where. It was a good position to keep an eye on everything and far enough away from everyone else that Killua wasn't going to nitpick him about it. He just stared at his little brother for a moment, pink eyes returning the gaze until he fluttered and a small black fan with a golden dragon painted on it in front of his face.
Killua frowned at the dragon, unpleasantly reminded of his dream last night.
The Hunter lady cleared her throat garnering their full attention. He wasn't sure why they all listened to her like this. Killua certainly didn't need an adult in his life to care for him (though her food was exceptional he could grudgingly admit). And yet, she was already better than his own mother when it came to handling Killua. She could be funny, stern, caring… Nothing she did felt as stifling as Kikyo Zoldyck.
So… Killua could put up with it… for a while.
Menchi watched them with pursed lips for a minute before sighing. "Alright. I can see something has happened while I've been busy but honestly..? I'm not your mom. I don't give a damn about group drama as long as you little runts don't start causing me problems, got it?"
The awkward silence was broken by Gon who cheerfully responded. "Don't worry, Miss Menchi! We got this!"
"I don't know why but somehow my faith has dipped even lower," she groaned, bringing a hand up to pinch at her nose. "Whatever! I want you to meet your new instructor during your stay in this Tower."
With a grand gesture towards the door, Killua- full of shock and confusion- watched Master Wing trot in with Zushi on his heels. He blinked at the smaller kid, surprised to still see him here, before turning back to the boy's master. The man was just as disheveled as the first time they met him three days ago; his hair was a rat's nest, shirt was untucked on one side and rumpled, and even his shoes were tied messily.
"What do you mean new instructor," Nutty questioned, his weight shifting on the bed, bouncing Killua as well.
"Well, not for you brat," she admitted easily. "I've already put in too much effort with you to toss you to someone else. But the other three? Well, they aren't my problem, so I'm delegating."
Killua couldn't have stopped his eyebrow from twitching if he tried. He took back all his earlier thoughts. This hag was unbearable. Why did they put up with her?
"Hello boys," Wing stated, cutting off a potential explosive reaction from everyone in the room. "Menchi has asked me to be your nen instructor. I've kindly agreed to take you on."
"Ossu! Hunter Menchi made lots of delicious food to bribe my master!"
Master Wing immediately grimaced and turned to rebuke his student. "Zushi!"
"Sorry, Master!"
Menchi snorted. "You are pretty weak to food. And you're much more patient than I am. So, do what we agreed and teach them the basics before they get to floor 200 and get slaughtered like the whimpering pups they are."
"Hey!"
There was a bit of a scuffle after that.
Gon and Killua sat watching Wing draw on the white sheets of paper that he'd brought and set up on an easel. Killua was sort of miffed to find out Kalluto had learned this tool long ago and didn't exactly want to sully the family teachings with someone else's. Which was absolutely stupid. All knowledge was important no matter where it came from. As long as you fact checked, of course.
And Nutty had been whisked away by his own teacher… While Zushi was in another room practicing forms or something…
Now it was just the two of them.
Nen.
This was the 'power' that Harry had mentioned. The one that could create unique abilities for each person. Despite how they got here- the scuffle will never be mentioned again for fear of the Gourmet Hunter's wrath- Killua was very excited to start learning this.
Wing capped the marker he'd been using and turned to face them with a placid smile.
"First things first, Nen is the ability to control your life energy or 'aura'. In every person there resides a system of nodes that control the power and flow of Nen. Someone who has these nodes open in their eyes but not in their body, can see the projected aura but not protect themselves against it. For those who have the opposite, they can protect themselves but not see the projected aura. Does this make sense?"
"So far," Gon agreed easily.
Killua on the other hand, had a question. "For that person who can't see the nen, how do they know how to protect themselves?"
That earned him a smile. "A very good question. For the most part, nen is projected through intent. If there is intent to harm, you might feel it as something of a warning, maybe a gut instinct to stay away from this person looking to harm you. For a person who has opened nodes in their body they will be able to 'feel' this intent much more strongly and be able to act upon their situation.
"Though it is ideal to have all your nodes opened, not everyone can achieve this right away. Zushi is training to open them the natural way. But Menchi has convinced me to take a short cut with the both of you because of how stubborn you are. She doesn't want to see you demolished on the 200th floor, so I'll trust her judgement on this."
Killua withheld a snort. Convinced? More like bribed with three whole days of gourmet cooking apparently. If that Hunter's recipes were good enough for his grandpa to trade for then Master Wing has certainly eaten like a king for a good few days.
"Wait a minute," Gon complained. "I'm not against learning, but why do we have to learn before the 200th floor?"
"That would be because everyone on that floor and above are nen users."
Immediately, the hairs on his arms stood on end. If he had continued past that floor as a child… what would have happened to him? He never would have been able to protect himself from something he could neither see nor feel.
"There's a lot of monsters up there," Master Wing continued obliviously. "Quite a few are nobodies looking for fame but there are some that… Well, it's a good thing you're getting this training beforehand is all I'll say."
"Okay, so… how are we going to do this shortcut?" he inquired, fisting his hands into the firm material of his training pants.
"I'm going to force open every node in your body all at once. For most people it would be immediate death but I've been assured you'll survive," their new teacher said calmly, his glasses flashing in the artificial light. "Once this has been completed, they'll settle into a dormant state that allows you the access to use them and see and sense nen being used around you. You'll still have an immense amount of training to go through to tune each node, though. In their half-dormant state they're only like sensors. It takes conscious thought and ability to utilize them and bring power forth."
"Aha… haha… Um…"
Killua tilted his head to see a glassy stare directed at their teacher from Gon. He looked so overwhelmed it caused him to let out the snort he'd stopped earlier. "You look so dumb! Ha!"
Amber eyes squinted at him and golden cheeks puffed up into a pout. "That was a lot of big words! There's no way you understood that, too!"
"Pfft! Of course I did. I'm not an idiot like you!"
"Well then, why don't you explain!"
"How is it so hard to understand? Hah!? He literally just said the shortcut would give us access to nen but we'd have to train to use specific abilities!"
"He said that?"
Master Wing chuckled. "A very good grasp, Killua. That's exactly what I meant, Gon. I'll try to keep it simpler for you in the future. For now, though, are there any questions?"
The boys looked at each other, their excitement for this reflected in each other's eyes. They were both ready!
With this, Killua would become stronger. He'd never fall prey to his big brother again. He'd be able to protect himself from the Zoldycks maybe even rescue his sister and eventually he could wipe them out so they'd never be a problem again.
He'd never hurt his friends with his own two hands.
His hands clenched, shaking in his lap as they both turned back to Master Wing and shook their heads negatively.
"Very well. Stand up you two, and turn around. This is going to hurt but bare with it."
A large hand settled in the middle of his back and-
White.
The aura around him glowed a brilliant pure white. He thought it might be stained black or red, his sins writ across his very life energy. But it was white…
"How do you both feel?"
"I feel so much more sensitive," Gon exclaimed, twisting his hands around to stare at the wisps that danced around his fingers.
"I feel stronger," Killua contributed. He definitely did. Though Harry had worked on his hands, Killua had hid the other minor aches that plagued him. What use was telling the other boy that his back ached? That his knees creaked? That his head throbbed on and off? There was none. They didn't hinder Killua in any way and he'd long been trained to handle pain. They were nothing serious.
But now.
They were gone. Those aches faded. He felt a little bit more whole.
"That glow around you is your life energy and under my tutelage we will be refining it until you have the basics down for Ren, Ten, Zetsu, and Hatsu. Now, go ahead and sit back down, get a feel for how your energy flows while I finish up a few things for the rest of the lesson."
So, they did. Killua watched for a moment, seeing a new diagram being drawn on a fresh sheet but the words meant nothing to him, instead he turned his attention onto the new energy that flowed through his body like a livewire. Staring at his glowing hands truly did nothing so he closed them, focusing on the feeling instead of the sight.
They sat there for… a very long while. Gon felt like a mini contained volcano next to him; burning with flowing magma. And yet there was also the sensation of their arms brushing and there was no overt warmth besides normal body heat. Two sensations at once… So strange.
As for himself, the white haired preteen was soothed by the constant circuit of the energy inside of him. There was no true 'flow', no track set for the energy to flow along, and yet it could still be considered conductive as it bounced from place to place to place inside of him, never staying in one spot. The energy that he had, as lively as it was, brought to him a deep sense of happiness that he grasped tightly, desperately in his scarred hands.
Slowly, he allowed himself to return to the sensations outside of himself. He could hear their new teacher calling, and knew no matter how reluctant he was to leave, he still had more learning to do so he could control the energy he had.
"That was very deep meditation, Killua. I'm impressed," Master Wing was saying as Killua blinked back to awareness.
"Thanks," he grumbled as he lost most of the sense he had gained earlier. "Not hard to learn with the Zoldycks."
Gon laughed. "I almost thought Killua was asleep!"
"Psh. Idiot."
"Now, now. We still have to finish today's lesson. I'm going to change it up a bit seeing how Gon is more of a practical learner and I'll do some demonstration of each category we are going to go over before I have you try them."
"First is Ren- gathering your aura and projecting it with intent. This is most commonly felt and is widely known even amongst civilians as Killing Intent. Though, it doesn't have to be killing intent, that is the easiest way to demonstrate for now. Killua."
He perked up.
"I'm going to 'kill' you now."
He scoffed. He knew what killing intent was, thank you. He didn't need a demonstration.
And yet, somehow he ended up attached to the ceiling, his fingers aching and scars throbbing.
It felt all too much like Illumi and Killua hated his automatic reaction to that man.
"Are you ok?"
He sniffed at Gon, easing himself to the ground and subtly shaking his hands out. That had taken way too much effort to hold himself. His legs had been fine, his abs and arms too, but his hands? He was going to have to strengthen them significantly. His nails had only sharpened for half a second before giving up. It had allowed him to embed his fingers in the wall but not to cling to it like he should have been able to do.
"I'm fine," he finally huffed after a few more seconds of shiny amber eyes pointed in his direction.
Master Wing was watching them patiently and when they finally turned their full attention back to him, he continued. "Now to protect against another's aura, we rely on our own. We have to project our own Ren to either match or overpower the other person's Nen lest you start to slowly die. Being under someone else's Nen without enough protection long enough is like standing naked in a blizzard and wondering why you're cold as you freeze."
Killua twitched, now even more resentful of Illumi. He knew for a fact that Ren had been used on him multiple times growing up just based off of the feeling.
"Now, Ren will protect you from projected Nen but Ten will strengthen and protect the body. First you use Ren to push out your aura," Master Wing did just that, his own white aura flaring around him in a wide uncontrolled bubble that seemed to waver around the edges. The Aura slowly shrank, the shine getting brighter and brighter until it settled into an almost completely clear coat only centimeters from the man's skin, the edges firm and solid. "Then you slowly shrink it, condensing the pressure until you've formed a shield around yourself."
"Whoah…"
Killua could admit that it looked very impressive.
"Next, I'll show you Zetsu. This technique is the act of suppressing your aura to keep it from leaking from your body. It's extremely useful if you want to remain hidden but has its own downsides. If you are already in range of someone else that has sensed your Nen, suddenly going into Zetsu will give you away as a large void in their sensory range."
"Wait, you can sense people when they aren't using Ren?" Killua interrupted.
"Indeed. There's a general sense that most people have. You two have awakened with all three of us in the room so the auras in here are 'normal'. Once you leave you'll be able to see more of what I mean. And there's an even more sensitive technique named En that allows you to sense everything up to a certain range but that technique is advanced and we won't go over it until much later."
Then Zetsu wasn't a perfect technique but it was still an amazing tool for assassins like his big brother. Which… was a problem he shouldn't be thinking about if he wanted to focus.
"The second downside to using Zetsu is that it makes you more vulnerable to Nen attacks as your body is not protecting itself anymore. Here, let me show you now. Pay attention to your senses and see what it tells you when I use it."
Killua jolted, feeling the very obvious void in front of him that should contain their teacher. He could see him standing there but the extra sense that he hadn't even realized he'd been using was now scratching and filling the space that had been previously occupied. It was really unnerving.
Then, just like that, his sense of Master Wing returned and the breath he didn't know he was holding was released in a rush. "Very strange," he grumbled.
That same smile was still on their teacher's face as he asked again, "Any questions?"
"Nu-uh," Gon chirped. "It's a lot easier when you show me! What's the last thing? Hagasu or something?"
"It's Hatsu," Killua yelped in offense. "How thick are you?"
"I'm not thick! I'm just dumb!"
Killua took a moment to process the words that just came out of his friend's mouth. Then he smacked him on the shoulder and turned back to their teacher, ignoring his whining.
(And his hand that stung.)
Master Wing's eyes curved up in crescents as he scratched the back of his head. "Well, this last one is a bit more complicated. Hatsu is a personalized ability so we won't be going into details until you master the first three." Gon whined again but their teacher valiantly carried on. "I can tell you that there are five types of abilities and everyone falls under one type but each person can still personalize their abilities based on their type."
Killua wondered for a moment what type Harry was as a healer. Then he remembered that he could see what Harry was doing now and started plotting ways on getting the boy to use his ability again. Actually, Killua almost smacked himself for never wondering this before but could Jasper use Harry's ability? Or did he have a completely different one that hadn't been seen before?
And what type of ability would he and Gon have?
AN: Holy smoly guacamole... I finally messed up on my posting schedule T~T
Sorry folks but I've been super busy and stuck in a depression rut on top of that so it's been hard to get this next chapter out. But well... Tada! Have some Killua!
Also, I'm probably going to take a break on the main story for a bit until I get my creative juices for it back. Instead, I'll start working on one or two of the AU's that EccoSims and I are always discussing! I'll post a few of the ideas and you can vote for one if you'd like to see it come to fruition!
Now, I have a long list of potential AU/Non-Canon Omakes (If you're ever interested in seeing something hit me up. I might write it!) But I'm only going to leave a few for you folks. I have three types of AUs. Originals (which are still based in the HxH universe or its characters in a different setting that is not specifically a crossover and are more what if scenarios), Melting Pots (which mix the two- or more- worlds into one setting), and Universe Crossing (in which Jasper and/or other characters cross to a different universe). I'll give you two from each Category. If you're interested enough in the summaries, I'll post them on Tumblr in the next day or two!
Original-
Harry Replaces Jasper
Baby Dragon Jasper was Stolen (Havoc Reigns)
Melting Pot-
Dragon Age
One Piece
Crossing Universe-
Scum Villain Self-Saving System
Omniscient Reader (Apocalypse Game Show World)
And now onto my fantastic reviewers!
Q&A: Tetractys- Kalluto is definitely underutilized and underrated. I really hope he gets some development when Togashi comes back! Thank you so much for the review~ I appreciate the show of support as always!
KrixLight- My wonderful loyal reviewer! I'm so glad that you're still here! Kalluto is rather adorable ;)
Drakality- I love the length and time you spent on a review! Following a main character is always a delight but I love to dig into the meat of other characters as well and poor Kalluto has almost no substance to him, so I have to try to flesh him out myself. Jasper may be learning a few bad habit from Killua lmao. And I'm so glad the omakes were appreciated! ;D As long as they get at least one laugh, they were worth it.
