Chapter 5: Ease Your Stress
CH. 4 RECAP: John could see pain, sadness, hurt in my eyes. But most of all, he could see regret. He knew I was keeping a secret from him. One that I was told to not say anything about. I decided, however ro tell him.
"I have a confession, John. When I was 6, it was late at night when this happened, but I heard strange sounds coming from my sister's room. As I got closer to her room, it sounded like she was trying to scream. I looked in and..."
"For the love of GOD, Randy! Why didn't you say anything?!"
"I got closer and closer to her room, but when I got there and looked in... a man I didn't recognize was sexually assaulting my sister. He was saying, 'I know you like this, you slut.' while his hand covered her mouth. I was so scared, traumatized and frozen in fear. She had a look of panic, fear and helplessness in her eyes. The man slapped her several times, and she just tried to scream louder. Then, she looked at me. She needed my help. So, I went to the kitchen, grabbed a skillet and struck him in the head. I immediately shut my eyes and prayed. Then... as I moved away from my sister, who was crying and hyperventilating, I looked at the man and he turned out to be my sister's violent, crazed ex."
"For the love of GOD, Randy! Why didn't you say anything?!"
"I was so scared! I couldn't even sleep that night. My mom came in and instantly screamed. She knew neither one of us were okay. Right behind her was my dad. He picked me up and took me back to my room. My mom took my sister to the hospital so she could be tested."
"Jesus, Randal. Did you ever tell anyone else?"
"No. I just want to go to sleep now. It's been a rough day."
"Okay, go ahead. I'm going to take a shower."
I knew John felt bad. I also knew he knew I needed love. Going through that was the most terrifying thing I've ever been through. It still haunts me 10 years later. I let John leave and when I made sure he was gone, I put my face in my pillow and screamed. I just couldn't keep it in anymore. John must've heard me because the shower stopped the second I screamed. I kept screaming and crying. 10 years of containing a secret that, had I not let it out, would kill me.
"I WISH I WASN'T HERE ANYMORE! I JUST WANT TO BE DEAD ALREADY!" I screamed through tears. No wonder I would put scratches on myself when I was younger. I was suffering from depression, anxiety and PTSD. I slowly rose from the pillow, still crying, and sat on my bed only to see my dad standing there, but it wasn't really him. It was John, as I would soon discover.
"Mijo, why did you keep it in for so long?" He asked.
"I was sworn to secrecy. About everything! The trauma of watching my sister be raped, the pain of seeing you in a casket, and the loss of mi hermana AND mi padre in my life."
"I know losing your sister in a sense was bad, and losing me was way worse, but you have someone other than myself and your mother protecting you."
"Who?" I shouted while still in tears.
"Me."
I was met with two arms pulling me towards a warm body. It felt like my dad holding me again, telling me that everything was going to be okay.
"Shh... it's going to be okay, mijo."
I didn't move. I didn't say anything. I just stood there, eyes shut and holding the warm body that I envisioned was my dad. I felt a hand touch my face, stroke it with their thumb and wipe my tears away.
"Randy..."
"Yes?" I opened my eyes and standing there was John. A small smile was evident.
"John...?"
"I am right here. I'll always be here. Tú padre querría que su hijo fuera feliz y en paz." (Your father would want his son to be happy and at peace.)
I couldn't hold my tears in and just let it out. The one person who I truly loved is the person I'm in love with. John just held me in his arms and let me cry.
"You need love right?" John asked.
I couldn't say anything. I just let him go and gave him a look that he must've understood better than anyone. My face must've been red because it started feeling hot and I was biting my bottom lip, looking at him.
