Saten Twist Adventures BEST OFS


MASTER SWORD:

1:

Saten finally took a train back to Ponyville.

Loud police voice: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND ASSHOLE! (Saten freaks out and hides on the ground surrendering) I'LL SHOOT YOUR LEGS OFF!

Master Sword: (comes into view, driving police car). Hahaha! Gotcha.. Naw, it's just me.

Saten: Sword? You scared th- Oh shit, did you steal cop car!?.. That's crazy!

Master Sword: No, what's crazy. Is leaving it unintended, anyone cold of stole it.. Prove.. I did!

Saten: But dude! You can't steal police cars! You know how illegal that is!?

Master Sword: Pffffft, who will pull over a police car.

Saten: I- ... Wow., you're actually right.

Master Sword: Have I ever NOT been right?

(shows an image of Saten about to be lite from a powerful cannon in a very dangerous and unprofessional way, and Master Sword giving him thumbs up, as it was Master Sword's idea).

2:

Derpy: I really messed up on those invitations! I feel just awful!

Master Sword: Why'd you bring me to Cake N' Bacon for our third date, I HATE this place!

Derpy: I told Cranky I could get 'em printed for cheap, but that meant hiring somebody with no experience using a printing press... Oh, I wish there was a way I could go back in time and fix all this.

Sword: To prove my hatred of this place, I'm gonna leave a lousy tip...under fifteen percent!... And then I'll send my meal back, even though it's EXACTLY what I ordered!

Derpy: Is it possible we're having two different conversations?

Sword: How should I know, I'm not listening to you!

3:

Twilight: (sleeping soundly).. (she is suddenly awaken by a loud gunshot) WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!? (runs done stairs, and suddenly gasps)..

Master Sword: (holding pistol, and Santa Clause is seen laying dead from a bullet though his head)… Before you start.

Twilight: Jesus christ!

Master Sword: (annoyedly) Okay! Before, you, start!

Twilight: HOLLY SHIT!

Master Sword: (annoyed) You gonna let me explain!?

Twilight: (angry) Yes Sword! I would love to know why you shot and killed, FATHER CHRISTMAS!

Master Sword: He startled me!

Twilight: ... He startled you?!

Master Sword: He! Startled me!

Twilight: (sarcastically) Oh, guess he should apologize than!

Master Sword: Well. That'll be kinda hard, cause.. I shot him..

Twilight: Great... So what now.

Master Sword: Well. Looks like I better save Christmas..

Twilight: You can't be serious!?

Master Sword: I don't see any other opinion..

Twilight: ... You planned this, didn't you!?

Master sword: Whaaaaat!? No!

Twilight: You planned this! I know you did!

Master Sword: You honestly think I wou-

Spike: (comes out, in elf costume) Hey Sword. The sled is ready, an. (sees twilight). Uh oh..

(long pause).

Master Sword: You would not believe how cheap that elf costume was.

Twilight: (starts growling)

Master Sword: (happily) I stole it.

Twilight: SWOOO-

Master Sword: LET ME HAVE MY NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS MOMENT!

4:

Master Sword: I've been waiting for this all year.. (pulls out the turkey) Giving you people the bird.

Saten: Oh.. (hand goes to the turkey) Looks so go- AH! SHIT!

Sword: (stabbed the hand with large fork) Neh uh.. Not til we say grace.

5:

Sword (him and Saten riding in Santa's slay): Hey dude, that one reindeer just kind of pooped in the other reindeer's face, and the other reindeer just kind of ate it. Isn't Christmas magical?

7:

Saten finds Sword at a control room, somehow Sword's allowed to smoke weed. Saten grabs a microphone. ''Sword, whatever you don't press the Destruct button!'' Saten shouts.

Transmitted into the booth: Sword (Static) Press (Static) Destruct button!

Saten (stoned): sure thing pretty lady.

Saten: Don't do it! You'll kill everyone!

Transmitted: (Static) Do it! (Static) Kill everyone!

Sword very very slowly reaches his hand/hoof to the button, even lamp-shading this by saying ''Sure is taking me a long ass time to reach it.''

Saten begins panicking, where suddenly Glaze walks in with a security guard outfit. ''Saten look I have a new jo-''

Saten immediately grabs the handgun she was licensed to have. ''Hey!'' she shouts.

''Must, kill, best friend!'' Saten cried, firing three shots though the glass, all three hitting Sword in the chest. But he just stands there.

''Damn it man fall backwards'' Saten groaned.

Sword dramatically paces all over the room, landing on his stomach, near the button.

''Phew.'' Saten said.

Sword suddenly flips over to his back, inches from the button.

''Phew.'' Saten said.

Sword's tongue sticks up, pressing the button.

Saten; Aw, YOU STUPID SON OF A-

The town violently explodes in a nuclear explosion.

8:

Sword: Everyone relax, let us consult old Harry Nilsson.. (pulls out paper with the lyrics).. She put the lime in the coconut, drank 'em both up.. Belly ache... Called the doctor. He says put the lime in the- (angrily) Bullshit! Doesn't say anything on how to open it! And the doctor's cure is the exact same thing that upset her stomach in the first place. What a whackadoo!

Trixie: (slaps him) Langaaage

9:

Trixie: (falls to her knees) DAMN YOU COCONUUUT! (begins crying, as does Saten who wraps around her)

Saten (crying with her): Is it even worth it anymore?! The carnage! The shattered lives!? [crying continues]

Sword: Don't give up, we all remember how happy that woman looked when she was drinking from that coconut, don't we? We want to be like her, don't we?!

Trixie: (sniffs) Course.

Saten (angrily): What kind of a question is that?!

Sword: Then we're gonna have to think outside the box.

Sword throws the coconut onto a gas fire-pit and turns it on.

Sword: We're gonna smoke it out! (the other two give satisfied smiles)

Sword: This might take some time, so we need to be patient.

Short pause.

Sword: Be right back.. (walks off, returning with an AK47, the other two jump to cover as Sword immediately opens fire on the fire pit, destroying it but the coconut is unharmed)..

Derpy crawls over.

Sword (angrily) stupid coconut! (begins whacking it with the gun, each accidentally fired bullet unwittingly hitting poor Derpy, who wasn't seen by him)

10:

Saten: (several years earlier) Excuse me. I'm looking for the owner this business?

Mare: Wait though there (points at Master Swords office)

Saten: (starting going in).

Master Sword: (hiding behind wall) Come on. Come on.

Saten: (walks in) Excuse me I-

Sword: (tackles him and start violently beating him up)... (stops).. Sorry. (pants). I thought you were the mafia.

Saten: N No I'm Saten Twist.

Sword: Who?

Saten: I've been asked to interview you.

Sword: Interview!?. (eyes narrow) Well. You can't interview a dead man now CAN YOU! (jumps out the four story window, and ends up going into ambulance, and he waves evily to Saten, as Saten watches him get lifted into the ambulance).

11:

Sword: You're cousin single.

Saten: I guess wh- Oh no.. No way. Don't even think about it!

Sword: Just once.. Please.

Saten: No... You just end up hurting her.. And I'll end up killing you.. And not simple killings either. I mean like really creative killings. Like in those SAW movies.

Sword: (ends up asking her out anyway)

Saten: She'll never agre- (Derpy agrees)

Derpy: Saten. He's not even as dorky as you say he is.

Sword: Wha-

Saten: Well.. I still loved pranking him anyway.

Derpy: (laughs) you did?..

Saten: Yes.. I remember I use to put fibreglass shards in his gym shorts. Every time he had to take a pee. He'd come back crying. *Saten and Derpy laugh*

Sword: It wasn't funny. It was painful.. Wasn't so much the fiber. As it was the glass!.. I had to get a urethra transplant.. And those are COSTLY!

Sword: You should hear his more recent ones.. (to Saten) Tell her what you did a the other day.

Saten: Well.. I mailed a wild hog to house the other day.

Sword: (angrily) THERE'S GIANT PIG WITH HORNS! LIVING IN THE BASEMENT!

Saten: Plus.. The time before that. We were suppose to have a sleepover at his house., I was planning to sneak laxatives into his cereal.. But the sleep over got canceled so I couldn't get him with that one.

Derpy: Ohh... But the idea was still there.

Saten: Oh! Differently (they high five)

Sword: (arrogantly) HE DIDN'T GET ME THOUGH! He didn't get me... DidyougetmeSaten? Didyougetme!?

Satan: No-

Sword: No! You did not get me!.. Who didn't get me... Saten Twist.

Saten: You know what.. Fuck it.. Fine. You guys can go out.. But only once.

Sword: Good enough. *leaves*

Sword: Alright Derpy.. Let's go.

Derpy: Fine.

Sword: Just remember one thing tonight. One thing.. Your cousin did NOT get me with the poop thing..


SATEN:

1:

Saten: Can you pass the pepper, please?

Pinkie: I don't know how much longer I can last.. I am gonna explode if I don't tell somebody.

Saten: It'll be fine. Now please pass the pepper!

Pinkie: Hang on. I don't feel like you're taking this dilemma seriously.

Saten: Fine sweetie. You have my undivided attention.

Pinkie: Okay, now, the Shining said I still can't tell anyone the surprise.

Saten: (sarcastically) No way!

Pinkie: Yeah, well, it's true. But I am killing myself over here!

Saten: (sarcastically) Well, we wouldn't want that!

Pinkie: No, see? Well, you absolutely would not. And furthermore, this is getting harder than ever before!

Saten: (sarcastically) You're kidding!

Pinkie: No, I am not.

Saten: (sarcastically) This is a nightmare. How will you ever make a decision?

Sheldon You see? I don't know. What should I do?

Saten: (angrily pounding table) PLEASE! PASS! THE PEPPER!

2:

Saten (pacing and mumbling): Stupid Maggie. Non-inventing, recipe-stealing, wanna say bitch, but still friend, maybe.

Starlight: Would you calm down. Maybe you can take consolation in that something you created is making people happy.

Saten (high pitched voice): Ohhh, look at me I'm making people happy! (flapping pegasus wings) I'm a lovely little butterfly flapping my butterfly wings! (skips around) I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, Lalalala! [leaves the room, slamming the door; pokes his head back in] Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic. [closes the door again]

Starlight (annoyed): Well, duh.

3:

Pinkie: Master Sword thinks he can fly off of his roof.

BonBon: Yeah. He could die.

Trixie: Probably.

Saten: ... Do it! Do it Sword!

Sword: I'm gonna!

Trixie: I wouldn't if I were you. Those wings don't look very strong.

Saten (gets camera out): Don't listen to 'em, dude! I'm sure it'll work. Go for it!

4:

Pony: You look like a man who can make a decision. I know you're buy this. Why? Because I heard somebody tell me you "can't".

Saten (angrlily): I'll show him! (buys the RV).

5:

Narrator: In the gentle forest clearing on Christmas Eve morn, The little forest critters prepared for the Antichrist to be born. The noble mountain lion had stopped evil in all the years past, But now the good protector lay dead as the good owls amassed. And meanwhile, three lion cubs were crying away. For them, there would certainly be no Christmas Day. And all of this because of the little red pony, for killing a lion.

Saten is shown in his house, with his head buried into his arms at his desk in his room.

Saten: Uhhh.

Narrator: "I know!" Saten Twist said with a new happy grin, "I'll go back to the forest and speak with those critters again!"

Saten: [waves the narrator away and leaves his desk]

Narrator: He ran out the living room, turned out the light, and went back to the forest to set everything right!

Saten enters the living room, hops on the sofa, and turns on the TV.

TV: In west Philadelphia, born and raised. On the playground, is where I spent most of my days…

Narrrator: (ahem) And he went back to the forest to set everything right!

Angry look on his face, Saten turns the volume up to drown out the narrator.

Narrator: He tried to ignore the issue with TV, but his conscience caught up with him, and to the forest he did flee...

Saten: (turns it louder)

Narrator: He thought he could hide from his problems - not true! [Saten rolls his eyes] He knew in his heart the thing he had to do!

Saten (annoyedly): Leave me alone!

Narrator: He knew that only by going to the forest could he -

Saten: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!.. GOD! [He turns off the TV, hops off the sofa and walks out the door, leaving the remote control on the floor.]

6:

Trixie: Baby, this is absurd!

Saten: I have to, he has my girlfriend.

Trixie (angrily): Saten, I'M your girlfriend!

Saten: I know I-, ugh. Look I can't explain it but I have to do this. I'm not gonna die. I mean, how bad can the K-13 be?

Jud Crandall: [appears out of nowhere] The K-13? You don't wanna go down that run. That run has got a history Ayuh, Thirty-five people have died goin' down dere, and some say you can still see their ghosts up. It was on that very ski run that a group of students were killed by a wolf-boy who escaped from a mental institution. You see, that ski run was once a burial ground to a tribe of vampire Wichicaw Indians who ate the flesh of children with no eyes. Ayuh- a lot of history on that ski run. [leaves].

Saten: (to Trixie) And you were worried.

7:

Saten: So, in conclusion, I believe the painful sensation felt after passing a meal of spicy chillies is proof that the rectum does possess the sense of taste.

Trixie: ... I concur, but you changed the subject. What are we doing for hearts and hoove's Day?

Saten: ... Oh, you caught that, did you?

8:

Derpy: I.. I don't know about this Saten.. This place is giving me the creeps.

Saten: Relax, it'll be fine.. (knocks on the door to an old, rusty looking, trailer).

Trevor Phillips: (opens his door) Hello?

Saten: (holds contact) Hi, do you mind signing this contact to legalize wee-

Trevor: (suddenly punches Saten square in the nose, knocking him off the steps and onto the ground) I make a SHIT load of money selling that stuff! Last thing I can handle is legalism, NOW FUCK OFF!

Saten: (holding his nose as Derpy helps him up) You could of just said no!

Trevor: What's the fun in that?

Saten: Your a dick.

Trevor: WHAT!?.. (pulls out gun) SAY THAT AGAI- (Suddenly there's an explosion from inside the trailer).

Trevor: DAMN IT MICHAEL! I TOLD YOU NOT TO SMOKE IN HERE!

Michael: (off view) Eh, shut up!

Saten: Who's your friend?

Trevor: Why are you still here!? FUCK OFF!

Saten: (angrily) You fuck off.

Derpy: (nervously grabs leaves) Cousin, the guy has a gun.

Saten: Yeah, well I bet it's not real (gets nearly shot) LEAVING! (he and Derpy run off).

Trevor: (sighs and goes back inside his house) Stupid pony references.. I hate this fuckin writer!


DERPY:

1:

Child Derpy: (jumping on bed, but her eyes seen as normal and she doesn't have her cutie mark)

Saten: Hey Cuz, quit that already, you're gonna hurt yourself.

Derpy: (stubbornly) Shut up! You're not the boss of me.. (bangs her head on the roof, making her have the cross eyed design).

Saten: My god, you okay!?

Derpy: (calmly and unaware of her new look) Sure, why do you ask?

2:

Pinkie: Oh Derpy.. I don't know if I could do this?

Derpy: Well.. You can always do what I do when I have a problem.. (shows bag of Marijuana).

SOON AFTER:

Pinkie and Derpy are both high.

Pinkie: W- What where we doing again?

Derpy: Say.. This reminds me. (long pause).

Pinkie: Reminds you of what?

Derpy: ... Dude.. I totally forget.

3:

AJ: (eating it quickly) this is delicious. What's in it?

Derpy: Oh you know. Dough. Blueberries.. Bit of pot.

AJ: (nervously) What was that last part!?

Derpy: Raisins.

AJ: (scared) That's not what you said!

Derpy: Whatever. Just be glad this is a party for that new girl. Because your gonna be hungry.. A LOT

4:

Derpy: I can't feel my legs. (punches them)

Trixie: Derpy, they belong to the man behind you

(an unusually tall man stands and glares at her).

Derpy: ... (puppy eyes)

5:

Derpy (holding empty can): Ladies and gentlemen, l'm sorry to disturb your pleasant ride but unlike yourselves, l was born without taste buds.

Derpy: Allow me to demonstrate. (Licks the railing) (shivers) the shit I do for money.. Thank you for your time, free change?

6:

Derpy sees every muffin store closed. And states that he would sell his soul for a muffin. The devil himself appears and offers her a contract to seal the deal.

Derpy: Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, right?

The Devil: Well, technically no...

Derpy (singsong) I'm smarter than the de-vil! I'm smarter than the de-vil!

The Devil: (morphs from normal to Chernabog) YOU ARE NOT SMARTER THAN ME! I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL YET, DERPY HOOVES! (shrinks and disappears)

Derpy: Pfft, yeah right.

7:

Derpy is seen laying in a hospital bed brought down to Saten's and Trixie's apartment, the two holding hands worriedly.

Sword (comes into the building): Alright we embraced all coconut opening options. It's time to embrace.. the Dark Arts. [With that a Motorcycle bursts into the building though window]

Saten: The Criss Angel!?

Trixie: The freakiest magician on the planet…

It actually reveals to be Discord dressed as Criss, but nobody seems to notice. Or least not care. He spins the bike til it vanishes and he lifts himself up to the air.

Discord: Who's ready to get their minds BLOOOOOWN?!

Saten: Me! me! I am!

Trixie (at same time): Yeah! Yeah!

Discord (to Sword): Sir, please inspect the box. It's solid. No trapdoors Nothing underneath. Correct?

Sword (knocks on it and gives a thumbs up): It's a regular box, Chris with two S's.

Discord: Now let's see what happens when we put a regular coconut in this regular box.. (pulls out ninja sword) And slice through it with a regular blade!

Everyone looks on anxiously, Derpy's beeping speeds up.

Discord slices though the box, Derpy's monitor beeps faster. And he lifts the box to show the coconut finally sliced.

Discord (shows it to them, cut in half): Coconut anyone?

(The three all cheer excitedly)

Derpy: (suddenly bursts up with unexplained recovery) Oh, yeah! Mindfreak, baby!

Everyone cheers excitedly, mainly about the coconut.

Discord: (the bike reappears and he speeds off) MINDFREAAAAAAAaaa