Disclaimer: We don't own Chuck and we're not making any money from it.
"So to make a long story short, I opened the records and the charts showed he wasn't waking up anytime soon," Ellie said, holding her drink and giving an eye roll. Sarah was caught up in the story and was surprised at the fun time she was having. Earlier in the evening she had been surprised by the text she had gotten from Ellie asking if she had plans. Since Chuck had become an agent, the only plans she had were training him, and she decided she could use a night off, and Chuck would probably be glad for the break as well….to be fair, his body could use a day of recovery from what she and Casey had put him through the past two weeks.
Ellie's text told her to bring her dancing shoes, but when she arrived at the address she was surprised to find herself at a jazz bar. The atmosphere was relaxed, and Ellie had them a table in the back corner. Ellie explained to Sarah that her and Chuck knew the owner and anytime either of them wanted the back corner for privacy to have a talk, this is where they came. Sarah prepared herself for the questions about Chuck, but they never came. Instead the questions were about how she was, did she have the option of painting her room at Maison23 because that color was hideous. What movies did she like, not the ones Chuck asked her to watch?
Ellie quickly found out how little of a personal life Sarah had.
Ellie asked her if she had ever had rejection issues by her male coworkers and a smile covered both of their faces, and that is what had led Ellie to tell the story of how she had turned Brad down for a date because she was seeing Devon and what Brad proceeded to do about it.
"So here I was, in front of the family, about to give some horrible news when I double checked the entire file." Ellie snorted, making Sarah laugh. "The dipshit had switched everything, including x-rays." Ellie rolled her eyes again. "The patient had blunt force trauma, the x-rays showed someone without blunt force trauma. I then saw Brad slipping into the room, pretty sure he was trying to embarrass me, I and decided to cut him off at the knees." Ellie's eyes sparkled. "I told the family that someone had switched the files by accident and I needed to go find the right file. I looked over at Brad and said, 'oh, look, here's one of the other students helping me out.'" Sarah's eyes widened. "Brad's mouth was flopping like a fish out of water, I gently pulled the file out of his hands, and then opened it, verified the numbers on the EKG and on the patient's wrist band and told the family the news. After the family left, I spun and told him if he were the last man alive I wouldn't go out with him."
Sarah burst out into laughter. "God, it had to be a Brad, right?"
"He taught me something important that day, though." Sarah gave her an inquisitive look. "I learned to always double check a file before entering that room, to always make sure I had the right information about the right patient." She shook her head. "Can you imagine that family if I told them according to the EKG there was nothing showing he would ever wake up?"
"All because you wouldn't go out with him," Sarah said, shaking her head. "Men," she muttered.
There was a long, uncomfortable bit of silence then. "My brother?" Ellie finally asked, wincing a little.
Sarah paused. Then, "No. I mean, not like that. He's the furthest thing from a Brad. You know the kind of person he is. The kind of guy he is." She stared down at the table, nibbling the inside of her cheek. "He just… He's Chuck. He's difficult to understand, the decisions he makes. He does stupid things, but his heart is in the right place, and it's infuriating."
"For someone who was only fake dating him all this time, you know him pretty damn well," she teased. "He's a numbskull. A sweetheart, and a numbskull." Ellie opened her mouth as if she might say more, or maybe even ask Sarah a question, but then she shut it again, went back to her drink.
"It isn't just that," Sarah continued, realizing she was going out on a limb again. But Ellie knew about all of it, and she was sitting here, listening. And nobody knew Chuck better than this woman. "He's very different from the type of people who typically end up as spies, as intelligence agents. He's always looking out for people at his own expense. And in that way, he's so bad for this job. You'd think that'd make him good for it, but it isn't anything like they make this work seem in Hollywood." Ellie nodded, frowning a little. "But in virtually every other way, he's...the perfect candidate. He's going to make an incredible spy. He's a really fast learner. I should be glad to have someone like him as a partner."
There was silence again. "You aren't."
"You know why not."
"I don't blame you. As his sister and someone else who—I mean, as someone who loves him, it isn't exactly what I want for him." She shrugged. "It isn't up to us."
"He's saved my life." Ellie seemed to give her a double take at that. "More than once," she added. "With no training, no relative experience or knowledge about spying or being an agent. It was just...him. With training? With experience? He'll be unstoppable. He's insanely brave."
"Are you trying to make me feel a little better about this even though you don't like it?" Ellie asked, dry wit in her tone.
"Yeah, maybe." Sarah shrugged, then sipped her drink. "And myself. He...stayed… I mean, there was this thing we thought was a bomb, and I tried to make him run while I stayed behind to try to deactivate it. And he refused. He stood right there to try to help me. It didn't go off because it wasn't a bomb. But that's...that's what I've had to deal with." She gave Ellie a wan smile. "As his partner once we finish training and everything, I'm going to keep having to deal with it."
The other woman looked a little pale, and she wondered if she shouldn't have told her about the bomb that night. It'd be worse if she told her about the fact that she'd kissed Chuck, thinking she was about to die. It'd be so much worse. And then she muttered, "I kissed him", almost as if to spite herself. She shut her eyes tightly, and then reopened them.
"What?" Ellie asked.
Sarah didn't look. "I thought I was going to die. I mean, I thought we both were. And I just grabbed him and kissed him. Like kissed him kissed him. It was gonna be my last act on Earth, and it was something I'd wanted to do for months."
"Oh."
"And that's also something I've had to deal with. It's probably one of the biggest things plaguing my mind around all of this, the reason why I'm being so hard on him about keeping me out of his decision to join the NSA." She cleared her throat. She wondered what was going through Ellie's head as she swirled her drink distractedly and stared off to the side. "I-I don't even know why I told you that. Ugh. He's your brother," she said, shaking her head.
"No, no. Sarah. Come on. No. Stop that. You can talk to me."
"Well, I'm sure it's hard for you to hear about the dangerous stuff."
"It's not that," Ellie replied, looking...guilty? "I asked you to stay, Sarah. I practically begged. Because Chuck trusts you, and I trust you. And I don't want anything to happen to him and I know he...Well, he needs you." She made a face. "However you wanna take that." Yikes. "But it wasn't at all fair for me to ask you. Especially… Well, I'm not going to assume to know what's...between you two. I mean, the cover boyfriend girlfriend thing aside. This...isn't going to be easy for either of you. At all. And I feel bad. Like I overstepped, even if it is in Chuck's best interest."
"Overstepped? Because you pegged me as someone who could make sure he doesn't get killed? I'd say you're just smart, Ellie And that you care about him." She gave the other woman a small, crooked smirk.
"Ha. What I am is selfish." She huffed. "I didn't think about how it'd be for you. After he lied to you when you thought he trusted you, you know? And now you're here because I made you come back."
Did Ellie not understand? She could protect him, and she would. She refused to watch him turn into what she saw in the mirror every day. Or maybe she'd have no choice. But the least she could do was allow him to make his own decision, and guide him through it as best she could so he didn't die. He said he could do this and she had to try and help him. She had to make sure he had all the tools he needed to be prepared for this life.
Sarah reached across the table and took Ellie's hand. Ellie looked at her, a question in her features.
"I was going to stay. Whether you showed up at my room or not, Ellie. I wasn't leaving him. We both know that." Ellie began to shake her head. "Ellie, we both know that. Yeah, it's not easy. Pfft, it's practically torture thinking about the implications of all of this, helping him get to a place I'm pretty sure I don't want him to go. This is not going to be the cake walk he thinks." Ellie sighed and Sarah smiled at her friend, sitting back against her chair. "Here's the thing, I'm not sure he had any other choice."
"He should've told you. In that, he did have a choice, whether he felt obligated to join the NSA or he really wanted to, he chose not to trust you with this," Ellie said, leaning in a little. Sarah nodded slowly, wondering how Ellie could see it so clearly when Chuck had missed the point so horribly. "This...this is something completely different. Again, I don't assume to know any of the details besides what you and Chuck have told me, Sarah, but he's been adamant about how you're the one person in all of this who always supported him and had his back. And then you ended up being the one person he didn't…"
"He didn't tell, yeah," she finished for her. "I don't understand why. But Chuck doesn't do things without having a reason. It hurts to wonder what that reason might've been, whatever it is. Like I did something to make him think he couldn't trust me enough to talk to me about the offer and his decision to accept it."
Ellie looked at her. "I don't know about what went on between you two, outside of what you both let us see. Maybe he did have a reason. The guy has this almost crippling self-doubt ever since he's kicked out of college, and then all of a sudden he decides to join the NSA." She huffed, then paused thoughtfully. "Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on him. He's spreading his wings. I'm just scared he's gonna spread 'em too wide, get too high where he's more visible to all these bad people and terrorists and then he gets shot." She pushed the alcohol away. "I've had too much of this, maybe." Sarah giggled, earning a wan smile. "You know what I mean. I have to live with the guy and I've been making it kind of miserable, not on purpose...er, all the time. I just see him around the apartment and I can't stop thinking about him in this life and all of the horrific violent things that could happen to him. That he could die. I know I'm being dramatic, but he's my only blood family. At least, that gives a shit about me." She scoffed.
"I'm not telling you what to do but…" Sarah sighed. "I'm already giving him enough trouble, I'm sure. He needs you. He relies on your support. Especially now that you know everything."
"Mmm." Ellie nodded. "He lives in my apartment. I've been a little too much maybe, for all three of us." Then she sighed. "I love him, but I don't have much of a choice in the matter. As his big sister. Gotta make the best of this. But...that's just me."
Sarah didn't say anything to that. She also didn't want to dwell on Ellie's word choice there. So instead she thought about how she'd have to watch him fight a losing battle against the NSA and see him slowly destroyed from the inside. Maybe she could find a way to compartmentalize and push the guilt out of her mind, like she had for the past few weeks. Maybe she and Ellie both could figure out how to be Chuck's back-up and support without necessarily being happy about any of this.
"He cares about your opinion." Sarah looked up at Ellie as the other woman continued. "It isn't just me he needs supporting him. You mean a lot to him. Your opinion means more to him than anyone else's I think. Even mine. At least, that's how he makes it seem when he talks to me."
"Yeah, right," she muttered, and she thought about how badly she wanted to be a fly on the wall during those conversations between Chuck and his sister. And then at the same time that was the last thing she wanted to be.
"I'm not here as his sister," Ellie softly reassured her. "I'm here as your friend. Your opinion means everything to him. I'm telling you the truth."
"That's the problem," Sarah replied, leaning back. She crossed her arms. "It means so much to him that he chose to dive headfirst into my world to make himself...I don't know. Impressive isn't the word, but just...someone I might want to be with. He definitely didn't read the room. If he had, he would've let me find some other way out of this instead of choosing the spy life and choosing not to confide in me."
Ellie gaped.
"What?" Sarah asked. She decided to throw the brunette's words back at her. "I'm not your brother's cover girlfriend and spy partner, I'm your friend."
That got a snort out of Ellie. "You went there, Sarah." Sarah shrugged. "Stop piling this all on your head. He's a grown man. He made this choice. We can stand beside him and glare at him at the same time."
"I wish it was that easy," Sarah replied, frustrated as she threw her drink back and gulped it, wincing a little at how hard it'd gone down that time. She felt herself slip into her own head, then, and she wished she maybe hadn't said that. Ellie was smart enough to read between the lines, wasn't she? Maybe if she was given a rational explanation, something that would sufficiently explain why Chuck had done what he'd done, it'd make all of this easier.
And that warmth that had been there, that extra...something...that was so hard to define for her but that was constantly there between them…
Whatever Chuck's reason was for not telling her about the choice Beckman had given him, and the decision he ultimately made, he was still in the NSA. He was still on a crash course towards becoming more like her, like Casey, becoming less like himself. He couldn't possibly make that choice if he really understood just how broken her insides were. And Casey's. The more he became an agent, the less he'd be...well, the gift that he was. Not just to her, but to everyone, the whole stupid world.
She couldn't be with him and watch that descent at the same time. She wasn't capable of that kind of selfishness. She couldn't take from him whatever he meant to offer her—and knowing Chuck, it would be his whole self—and watch him destroy himself at the same time. She couldn't give her whole self back to him the way he deserved while that was happening, and it wasn't fair to willingly be a part of that.
If Ellie put the pieces together, she mercifully didn't mention it. And Sarah was incredibly grateful to her for it. She also thought maybe Ellie was hyper aware of the things she was saying to Sarah now that she knew she was a spy, not because she didn't trust her—she felt Ellie trusted her by now—but because she could probably tell Sarah was a lit fucking fuse that might go off at any moment if she was pushed too hard emotionally.
And maybe Ellie was right to think that.
Before Chuck, this shit had never been a problem. His emergence in her life had set her on a path through completely unchartered emotional territory and she couldn't find her footing.
"It's my fault," she said quietly. "All of this crap."
"No, it isn't..." Ellie began.
"Come on, Ellie. This is your brother joining the NSA, walking head-first into a life of danger. Be angry with me. I didn't do enough to show him the reality of this life, how it can be so fucking hard some days that it just..." She huffed and shook her head. "He hasn't seen near what Casey and I have seen as agents, even with all the danger the Intersect has stuck him in the middle of." On top of how much she'd allowed herself to indulge in with him, the kiss by the bomb, the conversations about the feelings they shared, even if they agreed it was too dangerous to act on them. She could at least admit that to herself silently. She'd given herself too much already. She'd taken too much. She'd wanted him too much and perhaps she lost control and accidentally let him see every so often. She'd been compromised and incompetent in letting him see and he thought they could actually explore all of that if he became an agent.
There were other factors, she knew, keeping himself out of a bunker, for one...but if she hadn't been there...if they hadn't had this thing spark up between them...
"Then why isn't it also Casey's fault?" Ellie asked. Sarah stopped, and looked away. "Sarah, you put a lot of shit on yourself and don't stop to consider who else might share the blame." Sarah turned toward Ellie and stared at her. "No, I mean it. Maybe Chuck didn't know the full nature of what he signed himself up for, but he signed himself up for it anyway, and Casey can pretend he's an innocent bystander in all this, but he didn't prepare Chuck for the reality of the spy world either." She huffed then and rolled her eyes. "At least Chuck is definitely aware he fucked up, at least as far as you're concerned. He's very aware. He's miserable."
Sarah felt a pang go through her chest. "Ugh, I know. But I don't get it how you don't hate me when I might end up being what sends your brother to an early grave?"
Ellie sat there for a second, gathering herself. Sarah felt bad because she thought maybe that was a serious jolt Chuck's sister hadn't been prepared for. But then Ellie spoke before she could apologize for being so blunt. "You're putting yourself in a very difficult situation, Sarah. And I'm not stupid, I know it isn't for me. I know my cornering you at your place isn't what made you come back. I know it's him...and it's you. But you're being brave. I don't...know you at all, really. I know you enough to like you, but that doesn't mean I know everything about the way that brain of yours works. And I can only imagine it'd be a lot easier to just cut ties to this whole thing, to this city, and just go back to the way your life was before this...mission or whatever. You didn't do that, Sarah." She sighed, shaking her head. "You aren't going to do that. You've made that pretty clear. How in the hell could I hate you knowing what you're doing for my brother? At the expense of…" She paused and looked away. "You know, things. Other things."
Sarah knew they were both aware of the "things" Ellie was referring to. And still, Ellie seemed tentative about going too far with what she probably thought she saw between Sarah and Chuck. The real things she probably thought she saw. Sarah was glad, if she was being honest. She didn't want to have to sit here over drinks and talk about the fact that she had seriously intense feelings for Chuck Bartowski, and that nothing about any of this had changed that, but that she was also going to have to resist him even harder than she'd been resisting him before now that he'd made this choice to drown himself in her truly dangerous world that would fuck him up—because it fucked everyone up. That she'd be forced to help him… It was like holding the door open for him to get into a car that she knew was going to head straight off a cliff.
Fuck.
Sarah put her hand over Ellie's. "Thank you. Seriously. Thank you."
"So hand-holding, huh," they heard a voice behind them. "Are you cover dating all the Bartowskis?" Sarah turned around slowly and sighed.
"Uh, Carina, now isn't the best time," Sarah began, as Carina sat down beside Ellie.
"Carina, Sarah's BFF," Carina said to the surprised brunette.
Ellie snapped right back into it and cleared her throat. "Ellie, grateful to Sarah."
"I like her," Carina said to Sarah.
"Wait, so...are you...CIA?" Ellie asked. "Should I ask that? Shit, probably not."
Carina's eyes widened. "Holy shit, Blondie, how deep are you in?"
"Chuck is now with the NSA," Sarah replied. "His sister has now been read in on the basics...which we both know you are anything but basic." She sent Ellie a subtle shake of the head, hoping the woman understood not to divulge a single thing she knew to the redhead. This could be a shit hitting the fan moment. And that was the last thing they needed, Carina knowing about the Intersect.
"What happened?" Carina asked, her eyes narrowing. "He cheat on you?"
"No, he joined the NSA," Sarah replied. "He's an agent, in training, and I'm still his cover girlfriend. Not that it's any of your business." Carina turned to Ellie who shrugged.
"She got pissed about something," Carina said in what was supposed to be a low voice to Ellie but was said where Sarah could hear. "She was the same way after… Well, you're probably not cleared for that."
"Can you stop fishing? I don't owe you any kind of explanation. He made the decision and didn't even tell me he'd started his training, okay?" Sarah groused, feeling exceptionally brittle at the annoying appearance of Carina right when she and Ellie were in the middle of an important discussion.
"Well, yeah, of course he didn't tell you about his decision. You would'a freaked out and been a hard ass, Sarah. And it isn't like he's Mr. Confidence, or really anything close to the spy that Mr. Blue Eyes Larkin is." She reached over and grabbed Sarah's drink, rolling her eyes upon finding it empty and slamming it back down again.
Sarah gawked. "He is every bit as smart, if not smarter, and—You know, look, I'm not talking about this with you. I'm especially not going to talk about Chuck with you."
Carina grinned. "Well, I've got some bad news for you then. I've got this big deal going down, and I told my contact on my team that there's a couple." She batted her eyelashes. "Unless you want to be a couple with Casey."
Ellie snorted with a, "Dear God."
Sarah stared at Carina for a second. "How did you know I was here?" Carina and Ellie shared a look. "Oh, God, Ellie… Did you tell her I would be here?"
"She said she was an old friend and it was important and she needed to see you," Ellie said with a wince. "But I did just want us girls to get away for a while."
Sarah looked from one to the other.
"We can find you a man to dance with," Carina began, but Sarah gave her a look. "Right, you're still upset that he kept something from you the way you keep stuff from him."
Ellie's eyes widened.
"Now wait a minute," Sarah began. "My skeletons are my own, okay? You probably have more than I do. Have you ever told anyone?"
Carina laughed. "Hell no. But I never called the Truth Police on other people either. It's easier to just never trust anybody, Blondie. Simple as that."
"That's kind of depressing," Ellie muttered. "You have to trust someone...sometime."
"Yeah, but look. Sarah trusted the nerd—sorry, ahem, Chuck," she corrected when Ellie narrowed her eyes. "And look how he apparently threw it in her face by not trusting her back? Now she's all butt hurt and things are probably super awkward on your cute little team, eh Blondie?"
Before Sarah could stick up for herself, Ellie stepped in. "First of all, my brother is trustworthy, whether he...misses the mark sometimes or not. He has a big heart. He always has. Sure, he has to face the consequences for his misstep. But it's for Sarah to decide how she reacts to what he did. Not for Chuck, not for me, and definitely not for you."
Carina blinked, and then she grinned. "Well, you sure told me. God, I really like you. I have so much respect for you. You know that? If you want to join the DEA, I could use a woman with a straight spine made out of steel and a stiff upper lip. Whadda ya say, Ellie?"
"I'll stay in surgery, thank you." Ellie looked like she was just barely holding onto the politeness she typically tried to carry around with her wherever she went. Carina had a way of pushing buttons...even with the Bartowskis. If it wasn't so annoying, Sarah would be impressed.
"Suit yourself, then." Carina clapped her hands together. "So you're not big on drug busts, but do ya dance?"
Ellie gave Carina a blank look.
"That looks sort of like a yes. Maybe. We can work on you and this Chuck thing later, Sarah. Let's get drunk and dance tonight." Carina leaned in towards Sarah. "And tomorrow? A new mission. All of us. What fun."
This was going to suck. Absolutely suck.
}o{
"We could go out," Morgan offered.
"Nah," Chuck replied, paying attention to the game, but not.
For two weeks Sarah and Casey had pushed him, made him work out, and he was exhausted. He didn't have the energy to go to a club, but even if he did, he just wasn't emotionally up for it.
He was safer here, in known surroundings, with a friend, and a video game.
He missed his team. They were right next to him every single day, especially Sarah, with all of their training they had him doing. And he still missed her, missed all three of them and the way they all worked together. While her mask wasn't always in place the way he feared it might be, she was fully focused on the task at hand.
She wasn't harsh. She wasn't impatient if he got things wrong. She'd say, "It's okay. We'll just go again. You've got this." But it still didn't feel the same. She was training him to be a spy, and it felt like she was doing it for him. But it still felt like there was so much space between them. That she was merely a teacher, a partner… She kept her distance still.
When they talked it was all business, and even Casey had a way of holding his hands up and leaving the room if Chuck tried to talk to him about it, as if he didn't want to get in the middle. Like he was washing his hands of whatever drama he perceived Chuck might try to bring up.
"We have business to take care of," he'd said today when Chuck opened his mouth to speak.
"Casey, I just need—"
"Bartowski, zip it. I can't control how things go outside of your training. That's all I'm focused on. And if that's all she wants to focus on, you gotta let her." Casey ended it there and Chuck understood.
He moped. But the lack of anger or outright bitterness he thought she'd push at him wasn't there. That was the silver lining. He imagined she was frustrated with him, that she was probably still hurt. But she hadn't exactly put walls up. Even if she kept her distance.
"Well, the good news is no training tonight," she'd said earlier as she came back into the room.
"Oh," Chuck replied. "I thought we were scheduled to do some more Aikido?" She studied him for a second. "Got a date?" he asked with a grin, trying to lighten the mood.
"I need a break from Castle and your sister gave me a good reason to step back. She's been trapped at the hospital. So...we're going out to try to have some fun." She added, "For once" under her breath, and he couldn't begrudge her or his sister.
"Oh! Oh, that's… I'm glad. I'm glad you two are—I mean, you both need that. So I...am glad."
She sent him a small smile, but didn't give him anything else.
"Have fun. Tell her hi. I live with her but I'm also a little wary about introducing conversation because she might bite my head off if I do. So I'm glad she'll have you to talk to at least."
Sarah crossed her arms. "She might surprise you. Maybe you don't know her as well as you think."
He'd been stuck on the extra meaning to her words all day now. Dwelling on that. On what she meant. If she meant he should try to talk to Ellie again, apologize to her again, mend that fence so he had someone he could really talk to about all of this… Or was she referring to herself too? Maybe he really didn't know Sarah as well as he thought, and maybe if he had, he would've felt more secure talking to her about wanting to join the NSA. He would've known how she might react to it. And then he'd go into that conversation prepared.
Maybe he would've known better than to ask her out on a real date and tell her then. Idiot. God, he felt like such a moron for that. He should've just told her when Beckman and Casey offered him the choice. Consequences be damned. It was immature to set up an elaborate date scenario. What'd he think would happen?
He regretted it now. More than anything, he regretted not just being up front with Sarah. He could deal with her anger over him joining the NSA. She knew by now that the bunker was definitely the worse option. But if he'd just been honest…
His character on the game died and he tossed his controller onto the table.
"Dude," Morgan said, clapping his hand on his shoulder and his eyes growing wide, feeling the muscle in Chuck's are that wasn't quite so pronounced before. "Have you been working out?"
"A little," Chuck admitted.
"Trying to bulk up to impress your girl? Not a bad idea, Chuck, not a bad idea at all."
"No, just thought maybe...maybe I should take a little better care of myself."
Morgan's eyes widened and began to wonder. "Where is the Lady Sarah?"
She's...out...with Ellie," Chuck replied, shaking his head. "I screwed up so bad, Morgan."
"Dude, what do you mean? I mean, it's nice, having your girlfriend and your sister wanting to hang out. Remember how much Ellie hated your other girlfriends? Yikes. What, you think they're gonna spend the whole time talking about you?" Chuck turned to him, his eyes wide. "It's fiiiiiiine. Chuck, dude. All of your baby stories are cute, even if they're a little embarrassing."
God, what if they were spending the whole night talking about him? How pissed they both were at him?
"Morgan, you don't understand—"
The door flew open. Morgan and Chuck both turned toward the doorway, their mouths open. There stood Ellie, Sarah, and Carina.
"Ellie, are you all right?" Morgan asked, rushing toward her. She looked… Well, very drunk.
"See… Tell 'im. Tell Chuck. Sometime you need to think about other people besides yourself, Chuck. You try to do the right thing, I get it, but you jus' go about it the wrong way sometimes and I love you so much but you really need to...think..." Ellie slurred at Chuck. Then she looked at Morgan. "Why is Morgan touching me?"
"Oh, boy," Chuck muttered.
"We went dancing and Ellie...well," Sarah said, looking apologetic.
"I'm tryin' to fix it is what I did, fixing...everything," Ellie said, waving her arm. "I'm gonna throw a party, and you are going to be there...together damn it...or...don't make me say wuz af'er the or."
"Carina, will you help Morgan with Ellie? Please?" Sarah asked, her gaze not breaking Chuck's. "Chuck and I need to talk". Carina nodded and helped Morgan walk Ellie to her bedroom.
"Was it the mojitos, Ellie? Because we've talked about your mojito tolerance..." Morgan asked, guiding her.
"No! Why are you still so close to me?" Ellie mumbled, heading into her room. "E'ryone is so unhappy. Nobody can jus' be happy anymore. Why can't we all jus' agree to be in love and happy and screw all the res' of it!"
They sounded like they were having trouble getting Ellie down the hallway, and it wasn't fast enough for Sarah, so she huffed and gestured with a flick of her head. "Let's go outside." She turned and left before Chuck could say anything.
Chuck followed her out into the courtyard, shut the door, and leaned against the door frame.
"I'm...sorry she—" She gestured towards the apartment. "I wasn't watching what she was drinking. And I think Carina thought Broken Filter Ellie was funny and secretly slipped her more to drink without me...paying enough attention."
"No, hey." Chuck shook his head. "It's okay," he chuckled. "She's a grown woman...that's what she would say in this situation, at least. If she were sober."
Sarah gave him a wan smile. "Right. She's just...under a lot of pressure at work."
He gave her a bit of a flat look, and then a crooked smile. "That's nice of you to say that, but Ellie can do her job. She can handle work pressure. That drunk Ellie in there is because of me. I'm to blame for most of that. I know I am"
She didn't seem to want to respond to that. "Come over here so Morgan won't hear us," she said then, waving him away from the door.
Chuck rolled his head on his shoulders, popping something in his neck, earning an eyebrow raise from Sarah, before he walked over to her.
"Shouldn't we wait until morning if this is spy related?" he asked. "We're missing a certain John Casey and I'm assuming Carina showing up to crash your girl time with Ellie means something is up."
"Normally I'd agree, but we have to talk about the cover," Sarah began.
"No," Chuck said, shaking his head. "No cover." Sarah stared at him. "You're pissed at me and I completely understand that, I can't begrudge you. I don't. There are issues here," he gestured between them, "but it isn't fair for us to both go through this, playing this cover when things are...the way they are...between us right now. I'm not putting you through—"
"You're not putting me through anything," she retorted.
"Fine," he said, turning to walk away.
"So how will you explain to Morgan why we're not together anymore?" Sarah asked, making him pause. He turned back to her. "You can't tell him the truth."
"Sarah, come on, Morgan is, like, constantly asking about you and watching our relationship like a hawk. He's protective," he explained when she furrowed her brow. "Of both of us now." He couldn't tell if that had warmed her heart or made her uncomfortable. Maybe both. "He's gonna notice if you're acting like...this...around me." He cleared his throat, squirming a bit under her stare.
Thankfully she didn't ask "Like what?" like he was afraid she would.
"I'm a spy, Chuck. I've been at this for years. I've had to pretend to like people I've absolutely hated before; pretending with you in front of Morgan will be a piece of cake in comparison." She said it so matter-of-factly and it almost made him feel better. Almost.
Chuck shook his head though. "It's different, Sarah. And you know it is. All of this is different than anything you've had to do before."
"I'm a professional," she explained.
Chuck nodded. "Right. And I'm not." She narrowed her eyes, not seeming to understand what he was getting at. "Haven't I proven that this week? That I'm not a professional?"
"You're still in training, Chuck," she reasoned. "That's what Casey and I are here for. You chose to become a spy, this is the path you picked, so here I am ready to help you. You thought you could just snap your fingers and be all caught-up in an hour when every other person who ever entered this business goes into the Farm or whatever else training facility an agency might use for months, sometimes years?"
"No, of course not." His shoulders slumped a bit.
"Chuck, go a little easier on yourself." He gave her a look. "Point taken." At least she looked a bit sheepish. Like she was going easy on him at all? "I meant with training, though," she said quietly.
"What if after all of this, after the decision I made and the people I pissed off, I fall flat on my face?" He huffed and shook his head. "I'm sorry. It's not your job to build me up right now. I heard you loud and clear when you said we aren't friends anymore, that we're just partners, a team."
She definitely looked uncomfortable this time. "You didn't fall flat on your face in Mexico. And until Javier kidnapped us, even if I didn't really get it at the time, you didn't fall flat on your face at the bar, either."
"I literally did, Sarah. Literally, right on my face."
"Yeah, 'cause you tackled me to keep me from being assassinated, Chuck."
"But I—"
"I know you can do this, Chuck!" she cut him off, stepping in closer, almost hissing at him, trying to keep from raising her voice. "And it scares me." The courtyard was quiet for a few moments. When she spoke again, it was very softly. "Chuck, you can do this, it's just not what I want for you. That doesn't matter now anyway," she rushed, that vulnerable and uncomfortable look back on her features as she shifted her weight. "You made your choice and you can't take it back. We're all just gonna have to do our best."
"Sarah, I need your help," Chuck said. "However you can give it."
"You're going to get it." She swallowed hard enough for him to hear it. "If you want to drop this cover, I'll help you figure out a way to do it that won't wreck Morgan's spirit." He smiled a little at her. "But it would be a lot easier if we just kept it up. The less drama, the better." She winced when he raised his eyebrows. "Yeah, I heard how that sounded, too, but it's...the truth."
He stared just over her head, nibbling his lip. "Someday, they might be able to get the Intersect out of my head, Sarah. What if they don't want or need me anymore after that? What if I'm done with all of this?"
"Chuck, that's not how this works. And if you'd just talked to me, I could have told you that. I could have explained the way all of this works to you." He sighed and let his head drop, his chin against his chest. "They get you in, they sink their claws into you, and then you won't want to leave. You'll think it's the best thing you can do, you'll think it's for the greater good…" He peeked up at her and saw she was staring off to the side, her blue eyes going dim. "...and then the next thing you know you're a broken shell of the person you were before. I don't want it happening to you."
"Then help me make sure it doesn't," Chuck pleaded.
"I've seen it happen to literally everyone in this business, Chuck. I'll try, but…" She shook her head, pushing her hand through the air. "Look...We have to be a cover couple. It's just what's best for this situation. It's too much to explain if we aren't a couple. In the morning we'll get an assignment from Carina."
"Okay," he replied, nodding. He knew there was no use to continuing the conversation. Sarah had slipped the mask on. "Maybe this is the worst possible time to ask this, but can we at least try to be friends again?"
"I don't know, Chuck," she replied after a long pause. An upset look crossed her face then and she walked away, leaving him standing there.
He tilted his head back and looked at the sky. "She didn't say no," he muttered to himself. "That's a start."
}o{
Sarah finished slipping her knife into the holster around her thigh and pulled her dress down over it, smoothing her hands down the front and looking at herself in the mirror.
"Paperwork Soundtrack for Sarah?" she heard Carina's voice come from across the room. Sarah rolled her eyes and turned to watch Carina approach. "The hell is this?"
"Why are you going through my stuff?"
"I wasn't going through your stuff. It was literally sitting on top of your dresser." She wiggled the CD in its case back and forth. "What is it?"
"It's just a CD, Carina. Not a big deal." She could still see Chuck pulling it out of his messenger bag when he stopped by after work one evening. He'd remembered her whining about how boring and tedious paperwork was between missions and he'd made her a CD with a mix of songs he used to do physics homework to. The perfect balance of not putting her to sleep and not distracting her too much that she couldn't concentrate on what was in front of her. She'd only actually listened to it once. Fine, twice...maybe even three times. But never while she was actually doing paperwork.
"Uh...huh. Sure. Mr. Analyst to NSA put his name at the bottom here. Not surprised he's the Makes Mixtapes for His Girlfriend type of guy if I'm being honest." She snorted derisively.
Sarah went straight for her makeup bag and started working on her eyelashes, ignoring Carina completely, even though she could feel the other woman's penetrating gaze on the side of her face. "What?" she finally asked, as if totally unbothered.
"Do you, uuhhh, wanna talk about what happened with him?"
No, Sarah didn't. She really didn't. And she dropped her gaze, taking a deep breath, squirming in discomfort. Carina definitely wasn't her go-to person for emotions. She hadn't been her go-to for anyone or anything else, and she definitely wouldn't be for Chuck. It just wasn't the way this relationship of theirs worked. And that was fine with Sarah. And with Carina. This worked just fine the way it was.
Carina hummed. "When we wrap this mission, why don't you come with me on my next gig? Just us girls again. Get the hell outta here. Get into some trouble in Saint-Tropez. I mean...it's no Burbank, of course," she scoffed sarcastically.
Sarah sniffed in amusement for Carina's benefit, smiling just a little as she put her earrings in. And then she caught sight of the CD again, Chuck's weirdly neat scrawl that she'd come to recognize as well as she recognized her own handwriting, just about.
"Do you ever...wonder about a different life? Like...not the spy life. Something...normal. Regular."
"You meeean, something like frying hot dogs or putting frozen gunk into cups for hormonal teenagers? Driving around in a Le Sabre and listening to your boyfriend's hot new mix CD with Barbra Streisand songs on it?" She laughed and shook her head. "No. I don't," she said emphatically.
Well, that shut Sarah up real quick. And she was about to walk away from the mirror altogether when Carina's hand clamped down on her wrist and held on to keep her there. "You do?"
Sarah pressed her lips together and shrugged. "I don't know. I'm human, I guess. I've…" She sighed.
"You've thought about it. Chuckie, huh? Did he really do that big of a number on you?" Sarah shook her head and got an incredibly flat look from the DEA agent. "What happened? Seriously."
"It's like I said the other night when we were having drinks with Ellie, he's...been a lot more involved in the mission," Sarah started. Carina shrugged. "He's been training to be a full-fledged agent. Like, in the field. Casey's pulled him in to be a full-fledged NSA agent." She shook her head then with a huff. "It's more like Chuck chose to dive headfirst into being a spy and Casey just…"
"Filled the pool for 'im?" Carina finished.
Sarah sent her a look, but then she bobbed her eyebrows and nodded.
"I still don't see what's so bad about that." The redhead smirked. "Wowwww, Blondie. I had no idea you were such a snob. You only get into bed with CIA now? No NSA men for our Blondie…"
"Shut up, Carina. It's not that. I don't care what agency…" If anything, the NSA was a lot safer for him than the CIA, what with the way things had gone pear-shaped over in Langley, Director Graham being killed in the explosion, leadership roles up in the air. It was a whole shitshow over there and Beckman was a good leader, a strong and dependable leader. "I care that he's…" She shrugged, not knowing how to finish that.
"I got the feeling the other night you think he's too good for field work. Is that it?" she asked, and there was no sarcasm, no biting wit, in her voice. "Wanna keep him in the van behind the computer screen? Or...is it that you think the curly-haired dreamboat is gonna get iced on a mission?"
"It's not that, Carina. You know how this life is. You know what...what we're like. Us. You, me, Casey… There's a...hardness in us. The spy life made us this way."
"Yeah, sweetie, that's what keeps us alive," Carina drawled, applying her eyeliner.
Sarah just looked at her for a few moments, then shrugged. "He's not...like that. I'm sure you can see it when you aren't too busy trying to flirt with him to make him uncomfortable and piss me off."
"Oh, he's a total soft boy. I'm surprised you guys are planning to give him a gun. Sure he won't shoot himself in the foot?"
"That's what the training is for," Sarah said, the thought of Chuck with a gun making her feel admittedly queasy. It just didn't fit.
"Or worse, I can see him not being able to take a shot in the field because he doesn't wanna hurt someone. The guy makes CD mixes." She grabbed the CD again and waved it in Sarah's face. "I can see why you'd be worried about him in the field."
"I'm not worried about him in the field. He's smart and he's brave and he's a fast learner. I just don't want him to become us."
"Well, tough shit. If you wanna be a spy, Blondie, this is what you get."
"I know. That's the point."
"So this...different life...was that...something you were waiting for? With him?" She leaned against the dresser and raised an eyebrow. And Sarah realized she had no idea how Carina would react if she told her yes—whether it was true or not.
"Not really. I don't know. But he's an agent now, a spy. And...God, he told everyone else about it but me. And I don't get why, like I did something to make him think he couldn't trust me with it, and I hate feeling like this. I hate the whole thing. I shouldn't even be talking about it with you. It's-It's stupid. I'm a complete…"
"Sap?" Carina shrugged her shoulders in agreement. "Yeah. You are." Sarah glared. "What? You are! You're being a sap, Sarah. And that's not something I ever thought I'd say about you. It's a little cute but mostly sad."
"Can you stop being outright mean maybe? Jesus. This is the last time I say something to you about...anything."
Carina put her hand on her shoulder and looked her in the face. "Look, Blondie. I'm...sorry. It's just that this whole...thing? You and the kid? You're stuck here. You're forcing yourself to stick around this place why exactly? To help train him? Because GB ordered you to? Or are you legit crazy about him and you don't wanna leave him? You need to figure out which one it is, and then you need to fix your shit. There's a reason spies are hard on the inside, there's a reason we're cold. We'd never survive this gig otherwise. I love your face, Blondie, really. And I appreciate your honesty and shit, but…" She squeezed Sarah's wrist. "Bury it away for this assignment at least. This is a big one. You can punch the guy in the throat for lying to you, for deciding to become a spy, after this. I'll even hold him still for ya. Deal?"
Sarah smirked a little and shook her head. "We're not made for that kind of life, are we? A normal life?"
"Nnnnnnope. Maybe what you and Chuckie need is a really good sex fest, and it'll clear up all the stupid emotions clogging you up and causing whatever…" She gestured vaguely at Sarah. "This is." Sarah just gaped at her. "He can make a CD mix for it."
Sarah shoved a laughing Carina and walked clear away.
