Orochimaru was pretty proud of the fact he could keep his cool during chaotic situations. Plus, it was entertaining to torment your enemy by looking amused the whole time; it tended to piss your enemy off.
Chasing insignificant little genin was so laughably easy that taunting them was the only sort of enjoyment he got out of it.
So, it was a little unexpected that the blond one came barging out of nowhere to suckerpunch his summons away from the frozen Uchiha. First off, he hadn't expected the blond to have any sort of capability to accomplish something like that, let alone escape his first summons. Worse, after giving his teammate a verbal lashing that made Orochimaru want to snicker, the blond turned a scowl on the still disguised man.
"I don't see what you're so sacred of! It's not like this pasty ass chick is Oro-prick! I mean, come on!" The blond rolled his eyes before doing a very insulting flappy dance with his hands and hip wiggle while singsonging "Oro-oro-oro-chichichichi-maaaaaaaru! I play with little boooooys, and piss my pants when Sarutobi arriiiiiiives!"
Orochimaru's eyebrow twitched, but he resisted his initial response of gutting the kid while hurling back insults as well. He waited a couple seconds to see if the fool would stop, but the blond was belting out the song with oblivious pride. The Snake Sannin decided he would put an end to the degrading display. "Kukuku, funny you should mention that, a-"
"ORO-ORO-ORO-CHICHICHICHI-MAAAAARU!" continued the blond, practically screaming the stupid little made up lyrics. "I think I'm the second coming of Kami-sama! And I like to-"
"SHUT YOUR TRAP YOU LITTLE INGRATE!" roared Orochimaru, finally losing patience. He flickered across the gap separating them and shook the brat by his collar. "I'm the Orochimaru! Snake Sannin and-!"
"Faaaaake," droned the little airhead. "Orochimaru is supposed to be like, super badass and terrifying. You're some creepy lady with bad skin."
The pink haired one snickered, SNICKERED!
There was an odd roaring sound in Orochimaru's ears as he hurled the blond at his teammates. They cried out, falling in an undignified heap against the trunk of the tall tree.
"Badass? BADASS?! I'll show you badass!" KI crashed through the forest like a tidal wave, crushing the annoying brats to the branch they were on. Orochimaru sneered at them, grabbing his false face and slowly ripping it from his proper visage. "Do you have any idea who you're dealing with?" he hissed dangerously. "Who you're mocking so thoughtlessly?"
The blond one brightened, completely ignoring the suffocating KI to pop right back to his feet to bounce into his ridiculous little dance. "Yup! It's Oro-oro-oro-chichich-"
A hail of kunai shot at the blond, his two teammates crying out in horror as the deadly blades all impacted with heavy thuds. Orochimaru preened as the blond idiot gaped stupidly at him before he started to topple off the branch.
Then the blond bastard grinned. "Just kidding." And disintegrated into a pile of mud.
Orochimaru stared.
The Uchiha and the pink banshee were edging away. Orochimaru's gaze flicked to them, eyes wide with fury.
Without a thought, he sent a wall of mud at the two surviving brats, utterly crushing them beneath the swift and unexpected attack.
Orochimaru gloated over the pile of mud for all of five seconds...and then reality smacked him in the face when he realized he just crushed his prodigal host in a fit of fury the likes only pathetic chunin and below would fall fate to.
Orochimaru hopped over to the mess, muttering his frustration under his breath. "What is it with blonds? Why am I cursed to deal with such annoying pests? How is it that they have the stupid and inexplicable ability to piss me off at the drop of a hat? First it was Tsunade who could demolish trees with a single flick of her finger and had mood swings from hell, then there was that fool Minato that stole my rightful place as hokage, then I had to deal with that numbskull who calls explosions 'art', and now I have to deal with some prepubescent kid who's so idiotic he intentionally taunts S-Class criminals!"
Orochimaru toed the dirt with a frown. Such a vulgar mess. Stupid blond for making him have to deal with it (he totally ignored the fact he was the one to make said mess). He silently prayed that the Uchiha managed to survive, especially as Orochimaru wasn't entirely certain the raven haired boy's eyes would have been spared his fury if the Uchiha indeed perished.
The Snake Sannin rolled his eyes and huffed, deciding he would indeed waste chakra to use a water jutsu and see how bad he 'effed up. After all, it was deplorable if his clothes got dirty because some stupid blond-
Orochimaru mentally cut of the rant and focused on a low level water jutsu to clean away the mud.
Orochimaru was expecting broken bones, maybe some splashes of blood, and a couple crumpled bodies at his mercy.
He wasn't expecting to find nothing but the kami forsaken tree staring at him without a single genin in sight.
"You look pissed," remarked a blithe voice from the side. "I mean, I'm pretty sure that's what expression your ugly ass face is wearing, but I could be wrong."
Yellow eyes were wide as he slowly, oh so slowly, turned to find the orange wearing midget squatting on a branch two trees over. The brat's head was cocked to the side and he was squinting at Orochimaru and rubbing his chin.
"Yep," continued the blond, "I'm pretty sure that's anger." He snapped his fingers and grinned, like he'd just made some monumental connection.
Orochimaru hadn't been this pissed since Jiraiya copped a feel of his ass when the idiot Toad Sannin thought Orochimaru was a girl due to his long silky black hair and patterned kimono he was wearing for a festival.
"Where is he?" Orochimaru's voice was deceivingly calm.
The punk shrugged and cleaned an ear with his pinky. "Dunno. Teme is probably starting some fight with another genin team for a scroll. He told me to go 'be a distraction elsewhere'." The blond rolled his eyes. He propped a cheek on his fist. "So...hi. I'm a distraction."
Unadulterated rage coursed through Orochimaru, and he lashed out with vicious intensity. His kunai struck home, and he felt the beginnings of bliss-
*Poof!*
The trees in a twenty meter radius were obliterated, leaving a fuming Snake Sannin hissing in rage within the remaining crater.
"Whoa!" a brown haired youth staggered in line at the cafeteria inside Training Ground 44's Tower.
His raven haired teammate reached out to steady him with a concerned frown. "You okay?"
The brown haired youth gave a smile. "Yeah. I think that snake we had in the forest is just disagreeing with me." He made a woeful expression. "Revenge for eating him, I guess."
Their third teammate, a busty blond, rolled her vibrant green eyes. "Please, snakes don't go around getting revenge."
The brunette frowned and crossed his arms with an aloof air. "Shows what you know. This snake is totally pissed." He grabbed his gut. "Guy's fightin', even now!"
The raven haired teen sighed. "We ate that snake too. We're fine."
"Yeah, but I'm the one who killed him so we could eat him, so he's all vindictivey of me." The brunette nodded resolutely. He held his firm stance for a beat longer before groaning and curling in on himself. "No really, I'm not feeling so hot. I think I'm going to skip lunch and head back to the room."
The raven haired teen sighed again. "I'll walk back with you. Don't want you collapsing somewhere inconvenient." His gaze darted meaningfully around the room at all the high strung genin gathered there; half of them were sporting splashes of bright paint, new unwanted haircuts, or patched up clothes that had been whole previously to arriving at the tower.
The blond huffed and crossed her arms moodily. "Great. We're skipping meal time again. I swear Miki, when we get home, you're buying me six five star meals!" She glared at the brunette who was clutching his stomach and groaning lowly. "I'm getting sick of ration bars!"
The brunette gave her a weak smile. "Yeah, sure, whatever you say Sonya," he agreed distractedly.
The team left the cafeteria and made their way to their room. Once inside, the blond instantly put a silencing seal on the door after securing it.
"So, Snake Face?" she asked instantly, green eyes sharp.
The brunette straightened immediately, all signs of illness gone. "Contact was made. Confirmed the target." His eyes darted to their raven haired teammate. "Sensei was correct. Snake Face is dangerous." He smirked. "But Snake Face is pissed; won't be thinking straight for the next couple of days. I think our ploy will work."
His teammates shoulders sagged with relief.
"Good," responded the blond. She sighed. "Still, be careful. Snake Face is...clever. We can't afford to take chances."
The brunette grinned until his teeth were all exposed. "Trust me, I got this." His eyes subtly flicked to their raven haired teammate again. "No one messes with Team Kuebiko."
He looked decidedly dangerous as he said it, and his teammates were both startled and touched by the sheer emotion behind it.
Iruka yelped, barely dodging a wadded mixture of paper and glue. He had hoped that all the pranks on his person would cease after his extended B-rank. Sadly, it seemed he had underestimated whomever had been devising such nasty traps. It seemed that even something as pivotal as the Chunin Exams wouldn't hold back the arsehole causing all these shenanigans.
He wouldn't lie, however. It seemed that he wasn't the only poor sap getting caught in the mess, and he was rather smug about it. He'd already heard rumors that Training Ground 44 Tower was receiving annoying prank attacks, as well as the village itself. If Iruka was being honest, he was glad that all the jerks who thought Naruto (and some of his lesser known students) "wasn't that bad" and pranking was harmless, were getting tagged relentlessly; he could shove it in their faces that being pranked sucked...a lot. That didn't mean he enjoyed suffering anymore than his comrades did.
Iruka, however, was suitably impressed that someone was managing so much chaos. He had never managed to make such a large swath of victims. No one had ever been so paranoid when he was at the height of his pranking career. Kami help them, but everyone was paranoid. He'd heard many of his chunin buddies bemoaning their bad luck when they got hit. He'd even heard snippets of jounin getting caught up in it too, and it seemed like they were out for blood. Wanted posters for information about the fool(s) responsible were posted everywhere; there was even an impressive reward for anyone with credible info!
Iruka didn't know whether he wanted to congratulate the prankster or beat 'em senseless. After all, the Leaf had never been so alert unless it was wartime. And, if you looked at the twitchy ninja, the tense shoulders, the pinched expressions, and the paranoid eyes constantly on the lookout, you would think a war was still going. Iruka had no doubt that any visiting ninja for the third part of the Exams would be blown away by how high strung and on edge all of the Leaf shinobi were. It would probably make them just as paranoid, and hopefully instill some doubt that Leaf had gotten lackadaisical.
Several people had already come to Iruka about the whole mess. They'd demanded to know if Naruto was responsible. Iruka stared at them like they were idiots. Naruto was impressively clever with pranks, but there was no way the solitary blond could cover so much ground consistently. Iruka was also forced to point out that Naruto had been on an extended mission to Wave while the pranks were still occurring. So basically, there was no evidence that could put the blond in T&I for questioning. It had upset the crowd that had arrived at the academy demanding answers; they had really hoped it was the blond because he would (supposedly) be easy to deal with.
Iruka had watched them leave and rolled his eyes at their foolishness. Really, Iruka would never rule out Naruto. He wouldn't tell them that, but Naruto had proven he was a downright terror when it came to pranking. But Iruka had told them the truth, too. Naruto couldn't do all the recent stuff alone. Even with the Kage Bunshin, Naruto would be extremely hard pressed to keep up with missions and training, let alone trying to wedge in the sheer amount of well thought out pranks. But Iruka couldn't imagine Sasuke or Sakura helping out. That was beyond ridiculous.
Really, Iruka didn't rule out Naruto, but he sure as Kami-sama didn't know who else would have the time to team up with him to create such unparalleled messes. Nor did he have a clue who would want to. After all, the wanted posters were not flattering, and sooner or later someone would be caught and be made to suffer.
Iruka shuddered, tilting his head to absently dodge a balloon filled with paint. It should also say something that he thought a B-rank was a vacation.
"GAK!" shouted a voice in front of him.
Iruka paused to blink at Anko, whose face was covered in fluorescent pink paint. She wiped her face as her eyes shot in his direction.
Iruka barely had time to put a kunai between himself and the one aimed at his neck.
"What in Kami-sama's hell do you think you're doing?!" she hissed, a wild look in her dark eyes.
Iruka huffed. "It wasn't me! It was aimed at my head! I dodged it!" He blushed when he realized that, involuntarily, it was partially his fault. "Sorry." If he remembered right, she often went to the dango shop down the street. "Look, it wasn't me! But, um, since I was inadvertently responsible, I'll treat you to some dango."
Her eyes narrowed a beat, and Iruka had to suppress an uneasy swallow.
"Ugh!" Anko pulled her kunai away. "Fine!" She huffed and muttered some curses. "Let's go!" She grabbed his arm and started dragging him down the street. "I only have a little while before I have to go check on the fresh meat at forty four."
"Fresh meat?" he echoed, bemused by the whole situation. He'd never actually met Anko, but she was turning out to be rather similar to the descriptions he heard in passing.
Anko abruptly stopped, causing Iruka to bump into her. She whirled on him, and he cringed back, though that wasn't very far considering she still had hold of his wrist.
"You!" She snarled.
Iruka blinked. "Me?"
"You're that academy teacher!" she poked him harshly in the chest.
He was pretty sure he was going to get bruises from this whole encounter. "One of them, yes."
"How did you do it?!" she demanded.
He stared. "Do...what?"
"How did you get all those whiny ass kids to be so competent?!"
"Er, what?" He leaned away as she loomed closer over him.
"The Rookie Twelve!" she nearly bellowed. "How did you do it?! There's never been that many rookie teams in the Exams before! And they all got to the Tower already!"
Iruka shifted uneasily. "All of them?"
"All of them!" she hissed. "Worse, they still act like brats!" She huffed and threw her free arm in the air. "I don't get it! Ibiki is giving me hell because they all made it! You're the only thing that's different! It's your first gig! This is just...impossible!" She grabbed his collar and shook him. "What-did-you-do?!"
"Maa-maa, Anko, you shouldn't be roughing up your fellow Leaf ninja," said a bored voice.
Anko's head whipped around so fast Iruka was sure he heard a snap.
"Kakashi!" Anko promptly dumped Iruka on his ass. "Do I get to torture your team after the exams?!" She crooned at the silver haired man. "They are such an amusing bunch of brats!"
Kakashi eye-smiled. "We'll see. After all, they may just get promoted and be taken off my hands."
Anko snorted. "Yeah, right." She squinted at him. "Did Naruto give you anymore of those Explosive Notes he secretly hordes?"
Kakashi tilted his head. "Your prey is getting away." He pointed at something over her shoulder.
Iruka cursed, having almost been around the building when Kakashi ratted him out. Bastard.
"Hey!" Anko leapt towards him. "You owe me dango!"
Iruka sprinted like a madman, but he only made it three blocks before he was trussed up by several snakes. Anko cackled as she stood over him.
"Man, you're too easy! Naruto at least makes it across town before I catch him!" She grabbed him and threw him over her shoulder. "Let's go!" She pointed dramatically before walking jauntily back the way they'd come. "Dango, dango! Everybody's favorite yumm'o! Dango, dango! Have to have it every day'o!"
Iruka groaned as Anko kept up the weird singsong. He'd found an adult female version of Naruto. He didn't need two of them! One was plenty!
"Oooo! Sensei-kun! You have a firm butt!" cooed Anko, squeezing Iruka's rear.
He squealed and managed to struggle out of her grasp. He landed uncomfortably on his face before rolling around to glare at the woman leering down at him. "That was uncalled for!" he shouted. He totally wasn't blushing. ...He wasn't!
"Aww, does lil' Sensei-kun need a hand?" She reached for him.
He managed to pull a kunai and made a swipe at her hand, making her pull back. "Don't touch me!" He glared. "I'll cut you," he growled.
She blinked at him slowly...and then a wide smile split her face. "Oh reaaaally?"
Damnit!
Kami-sama hated him.
A/N: A definition and hopefully a clear reason why I chose this as a false in-the-know name that Team 7 can use when they are incognito. I couldn't think of a better representation for Kakashi and Team 7.
kuebiko
n. a state of exhaustion inspired by acts of senseless violence, which force you to revise your image of what can happen in this world—mending the fences of your expectations, weeding out all unwelcome and invasive truths, cultivating the perennial good that's buried under the surface, and propping yourself up like an old scarecrow, who's bursting at the seams but powerless to do anything but stand there and watch.
