Harry Potter and The Marauding Champions

By NonsensicalRants


Chapter 5:

Lessons from the Master


The massive black dog padded towards them from the deep shadows of the forbidden forest. The unfortunate shape of his jaw, as always, forced his teeth to be exposed in what looked like a snarl to the untrained eye. The entire scene was rather frightening and made Harry regret failing to warn his fellow champions about Padfoot's resemblance to a Grim.

Fleur pressed herself even harder against his back, though this time not for the warmth, while Cedric and Viktor both went for their wands.

Then, in a flash of stretching anatomy, Padfoot morphed into Sirius. He had recovered greatly from his time spent in Azkaban. For once he looked the epitome of a proper pureblood, with his hair combed, his dress robes vibrant and recently pressed. Were it not for his warm smile it would be easy to recognize why so many people thought he was one of Voldemort's most faithful.

"The box!" Sirius drawled in his best imitation of a deep voice as he dropped his smile. "You opened it. We came!"

... Harry did not understand the joke.

"Sadly, the other cenobites are either dead, in hiding or hormonal this time of the month so it's just me today." Sirius continued while still sounding, well, serious.

Harry still did not understand the joke. Fortunately, Sirius dropped the facade and opened his arms towards Harry in the universal sign of "Come give me a hug!"

"Sirius!" Harry exclaimed as he rushed forward and embraced his godfather.

Mmm. He smelled of sandalwood and tobacco.

"Oh! It's good to see you Prongslet!" Sirius exclaimed back as he crushed the life out of him. "Though I hear you've earned a new nickname?"

Harry broke their embrace and smiled, before waving towards his friends.

"Allow me to introduce the new Marauders." He said, pointing to each person in turn. "Hailing from Bulgaria we have TrionSkin. From France we have the lovely part-Veela, Firebird. And our two hometeam players PaddleCul, and yours truly, VulgeNeb."

Each person bowed or curtsied as they were introduced. Harry went so far as to give Sirius a sweeping bow so deep his messy hair scraped the snow as he revealed his own new name.

Sirius' grin stretched from ear to ear at the news that Harry was sure the old dog must have guessed. He'd left enough hints in his letter.

"Spectacular! And have the house ghosts given you the rundown?"

They all grumbled unintelligibly at Padfoot's question. Sirius must have had super hearing though because he seemed to catch it all.

"Yeah, kind of an unfair deal. It's one thing to miss the small print in a contract, it's another to be forced into it without ever getting the chance to read it first. Though you'd know all bout that, eh VoulgeNeb?"

Harry groaned again. He had somehow managed to convince himself that he wasn't being forced to compete in the deadly Triwizard Tournament. Their string of pranking had certainly helped take his mind off of it. Then reality had to come barreling back into his delusion.

"So! What are your forms?"

The quartet shared a glance.

"Well, Trionskin is a shark, we have no doubt bout that, and PaddleCul here is probably a beaver." Harry explained.

"Or a platypus." Viktor interjected.

"Or possibly a platypus." Harry amended. "But we have no earthly clue what I am."

Sirius was now glaring at them like they were morons.

"How in the world do you not know your forms?"

"It's a long story involving mind-altering drugs. Ill explain later. For now we need your help." Harry dodged.

"Oh yes. You mentioned needing advice on a small-time prank war you're having with Arthur's crotch fruit. Tell me what you've been trying."

"Well, we really wanted to keep things simple and stick to the classics. Wedgies, short sheeting, plastic wrap on toilet seats." Harry explained. "The short sheeting was childs play, but our attempts at the other two ran into difficulties."

Cedric took it from there.

"We can't exactly put plastic wrap on all of the toilet seats in the castle. Because after the first unintended target makes a mess out of things, the prank is over."

Sirius nodded knowingly as Harry continued.

"And our attempts at giving each-other wedgies with a summoning charm have resulting in us crashing into each other or getting a fistful of panties."

Fleur giggled at that one.

"Hopefully ze next time you use zat on me it will be in a more romantic setting." She teased from his shoulder with a flirtatious smile.

"And hopefully I don't send any feminine hygiene product flying along with your lace." Harry retorted, before remembering they had company. "I mean! You all didn't need to hear that."

Fleur had descended into a deep blush and returned to burying her face in Harry's back to hide her shame.

Sirius gave them a curious, and somewhat suspicious, look during the entire explanation. That definitely wasn't how Harry had planned to introduce their relationship to his godfather, but considering their nature as pranksters it seemed more appropriate than an awkward family dinner.

"Well..." Sirius began before shaking his head and returning to his mirthful self. "The wedgie issue is easily solved. Summon the tags on the underwear and cancel after half a second. Instant wedgie."

"Ohhhhhh!" Harry, Viktor, Fleur and Cedric chorused.

"The plastic wrap prank was something we agonized over too. But we eventually came up with a solution." Sirius explained, while beckoning them to come closer so he could whisper his revelation to them. "An exceptionally convoluted and complicated solution, but one that works. You see, we carved in a water shielding rune array into every toilet in Hogwarts. One set to activate in the presence of somebody tagged with a simple activation marker."

The other three champions shared an expression of "eureka!" at the explanation but Harry needed that last bit explained. Fleur noticed his confusion and took the liberty.

"An activation marker is just a spell zat marks a person or object with a signature tied to a rune array, like ze wards of a house, so the ward knows to exclude or include you in eets effects."

Bitchin!

"So we just have to tag our target with a simple charm and suddenly every toilet in the school will refuse them access?" Harry clarified.

"Rightio. And nobody else will make a mess, exempting those who tend to make a mess in the bathroom all on their own. Disgusting animals." Sirius groused

Cedric, Viktor and Fleur turned their focus to Harry.

"So. Fearless leader." Said Cedric. "What are your orders?"

Oh, Harry was the leader now? That's rich.

"Tonight let's tackle the common room toilets. I'll take care of the Gryffindor toilets, PaddleCul takes Hufflepuff, TrionSkin takes Slytherin since they have the Durmstrang students bunking there." They nodded in turn. "I'll try to tag the twins in their sleep, but they should only run into problems in Gryffindor tower... for the first day."

Realization dawned on the others as he spoke,

"But by the end of the week they'll only be able to piss in the sinks, yes?" Viktor summarized.

"Exactly! We activate the rune wards on the public toilets all over Hogwarts at our leisure, but we will get them all. And we can watch the misery set in as they resort to sneaking into the other common rooms and finding no shelter." Harry concluded.

"We will need to infiltrate ze Ravenclaw common room zho." Fleur countered. "Especially since eet eez closest to Gryffindor. And I might as well try to enchant ze carriage toilets."

"I could handle the Ravenclaw toilets on my own." Sirius interjected. "But I think I should leave that to you guys. Discovering the secret to entering another common room is a real rush, and I would never deny it to you all."

Harry nodded. Who didn't enjoy a good challenge?

"Oh! And don't forget the private restrooms." Sirius added. "Every faculty member has their own private quarters, complete with shower and toilet. You'll have to activate those too. And of course the throne."

Throne?

Harry shared a confused look with his fellow Marauders.

"None of you have ever used The Throne?" Sirius said, aghast.

The blank expressions and shrugs they gave the old dog seemed to only disappoint him further

"How have none of you ever taken a deuce on the throne? Well we're going to solve this right now. Who needs to use the toilet?"

Viktor raised a hesitant hand.

"Come with me. All of you." Sirius commanded before transforming back into Padfoot.

The four teenagers followed their pet dog under their invisibility cloaks. Their path lead them back into the castle, up four floors and down several twisting corridors until they stopped beside an empty stretch of wall with a suspiciously low wall sconce.

Sirius, who was now Sirius again, reached behind the sconce and grabbed hold of an easy to miss rubber ball and yanked on it, revealing it to be a toilet pull chain.

The blank piece of wall melted away like hot wax to be replaced by a regal wooden door with smoky, stain-glass windows.

Sirius turned the tiny knob and opened the door, revealing a small closet with a massive throne. It was identical in every way to the overly ornate chair Dumbledore sat on at the staff table, save for the seat itself which was that of a cushioned porcelain toilet seat.

In any non-magical setting the idea of a cushioned toilet seat sounded like a horribly unsanitary thing to put your buttocks on. But in Hogwarts there was plenty of magic, and house elves, to keep such a thing sanitary, clean and dry.

"Mister Krum, if you would kindly enter, and if the rest of you would kindly give the door some space and privacy."

Viktor entered the cramped throne room and the others backed away until they had nearly turned a corner. And then they waited.

A few minutes later - nervous bladder there Viktor? - their Bulgarian friend emerged from the throne room shuffling like a zombie. As they approached him Harry saw that he seemed to be in a slack-jawed daze. The man was barely coherent.

"Well!?" Sirius prodded.

"I have gazed upon the face of God." Viktor told them. "And he is smiling down upon us all with much benevolence and pride."

It took Viktor three whole minutes to come down from the turd he likened to a spiritual experience, but eventually he was lucid enough to pay attention to Sirius' explanation.

"Since we're all here, we have a golden opportunity to teach you how to activate the rune array."

He opened the door to the throne room and immediately shut it again.

Sirius then turned his eyes to Viktor, confusion written on his face.

"Bulgarian food." Viktor said simple. "Vicious going in, vicious coming out."

"But the toilets are all built with air cleansing and odor eliminated enchantments!" Sirius practically yelled.

Viktor shrugged.

"Like I said. Bulgarian food."

They ended up having to sneak down the hall to a public bathroom where Sirius gave them a crash course on finding the rune arrays, which were cleverly hidden beneath the lip of the toilet bowl, the part that's impossible to clean, and activating them. They then went their separate ways, with Sirius promising to visit them again by the end of the week to help train them as animagi. He shook all of their hands as he left, though Harry had to practically pry Fleur off of him to say goodbye to his godfather. The handshake she shared with him seemed unusually tense.

"So, uh, Firebird." Harry broached as they sneaked back to the Bauxbaton's Carriage beneath his family cloak.

"Hm?"

"You were really quiet tonight. I thought you were just being sensitive to the cold, but looking back you seemed... afraid."

She sighed.

"Your godfazzar. I am frightened of him."

Harry had to stop walking at the confession. He forced eye contact with his girlfriend even though it was too dark to properly see her.

"What? Why?!" He demanded in a hushed tone.

She huffed, clearly not expecting an interrogation. If her date with Davies at the Yule ball was any indication, she probably wasn't used to being talked back to by boys.

"Reverse ze roles and imagine how you would feel."

Huh?

"Imagine if you were seventeen and in love wiz a fourteen year old girl." Harry's heart fluttered at the implied confession, but he didn't comment on it. Shit! Was he turning into a girl? "And you met her godfazzar, or fazzer, who was not only a war veteran, but had been falsely convicted and imprisoned for mass murder. Imagine, also, if he spent twelve years in ze most terrifying prison on ze planet, escaped from said prison, and was a wanted fugitive."

Harry had to admit it. She had a point.

"I am surprised he didn't steal me away to show me his mounted gun collection and shovel." She went on. "Papa kept scaring my boyfriends off with zat speech."

"Er, how many boyfriends?" Harry couldn't stop himself from asking, the sudden sense of insecurity demanded he do so.

He could just make out the comforting smile she put on underneath the cloak before she planted a kiss right on the tip of his nose. And like that his insecurity was replaced by warm fuzzies.

"Relax 'arry. All of my past 'boyfriends' were as coherent and worzwhile as Rogaire had been. You talk to me, you challenge me. I like zat." She explained, showing off all her teeth as she smiled. It might have been his imagination, but she also seemed to be glowing with a silver aura, just like those cheerleaders at the world cup. "Zho, to be fair to Rogaire, he was actually able to kees me! Ugh! Boys!"

Well that just sounded miserable. Then again, there were quite a few girls in Hogwarts(Ginny) who acted as strangely around him as boys did around Fleur. So he could kinda relate. If he was completely honest with himself he would have made a pass at Ron's sister as far back as second year if it weren't for her behavior. She was a very pretty redhead after all, who doesn't like those?

Still. Fleur had assuaged his concerns so Harry ought to return the favor. It was the boyfriend thing to do.

"Relax Fleur. You don't have to worry about Sirius threatening or disliking you." He cooed, bringing her in for an embrace.

"Are you sure? He must zink I am manipulating you with my allure because of your fame. A lot of Veela do zat, seducing rich or famous men for sport."

"Of course not!" He consoled. "He's probably immensely proud of me for having caught such a pretty bird as you, pardon the pun."

She giggled at the terrible joke, bringing a hand up to wipe away a tear he hadn't known was there before.

"I promise you, he finds the entire situation incredibly amusing."


Sirius black was not amused.

Some part-Veela hussy had gotten her claws on his young and impressionable godson. As much as he loved Harry like his own flesh and blood, the boy was very clearly a late bloomer, just as James and Lily had been.(The girl hadn't sprouted until their fifth year, but BOY did she sprout!) He was all but positive Harry didn't even have pubes yet, let alone a healthy - or was it unhealthy? - interest in the opposite sex. But that did not preclude him from falling under magical influences, whether by love potions or magical aura.

He had really meant to have a long talk with him about the dangers starstruck or lascivious girls posed. Especially the upper year ones, as his own father had warned him that there are bad women out there who will try to get preggers by him because of their lust for his family wealth. It was a speech that really fucked up Sirius' views on romance, especially since his miserly cynic of a father had failed to counter it with a speech on how to identify and court the GOOD women that filled the world.

Sirius wasn't even given the chance to teach Harry prophylactic charms for God's sake! Let alone the awkward and hilarious bird and bees discussion over firewhiskey. He had so been looking forward to doing that this year.

And now he was under the spell of an upper year girl, a seventh year no less. He was so far out of his depth, dating a woman with three whole years of experience over him. This wasn't even mentioning how she was French, and the legendary levels of propriety and chastity French witches displayed. And by legendary, he meant existing only in legend.

What was her angle? Was she after his fame? The family wealth he was due to inherit upon reaching majority? Was it as simple and petty as trying to get the extra advantage over him in this god-forsaken tournament?

This went beyond sneaking her off to Grimmauld place and showing off the Black gun and shovel collection.

After all, for what other reason would a seventeen year old girl, practically a woman, pursue his boy? A boy who didn't even have shoulders yet!

Sirius couldn't think of any, but he did know one thing for sure. With his hunt for Peter resulting in a cold trail, Fudge and Crouch Sr being beyond his reach and Voldemort being MIA, Fleur Delacour was now at the tippity top of his shit list. If for no other reason than accessibility. This is why he decided to spend the rest of his week loitering at the edges of the forbidden forest as Padfoot where he could keep a close eye on the going-ons at Hogwarts, and one silver-haired wench in particular.

After all he had nothing better to do.

Not a single. Fucking. Thing.


The next morning saw Harry getting up bright and early, having set his alarm to wake him in time to wait outside of the communal bathroom.(Which was much cleaner than the girl's, thank you very much!) Once again donning his father's cloak and crouching in a dark corner while he waited.

He had activated the ward schemes before going to bed the night before, but even he wasn't full-hearty enough to sneak into the sixth year dormitories and try to tag the twins in their sleep. He knew what came from trying to prank the twins in revenge on their own turf. Everyone knew. It only took one person to try.

Poor Percy. He never was the same after that.

As he waited, Lee Jordan came down no less than six times to relieve himself. You really should have Pomfrey look at that Lee. Could be an infection, compliment of those Slytherin girls you keep sneaking off with. And maybe stop bragging about how the supposedly chaste pureblood girls are a bunch of coal-burning mudsharks while you're at it? It's not very nice. Least of all to you.

His opportunity eventually came just before dawn when Fred - or maybe George? - came racing down from the sixth year dorms in what looked like a urinary emergency. Perfect. He tagged the redhead from around the corner just as he entered the common toilet.

He only had to wait a few moments before the chaos began.

"Oh no! Oh god! What the F..."

Who knew Fred had such a high-pitched scream?

Curiosity won out and Harry peered into the toilets.

Shit. Shit everywhere. If you could imagine somebody loading a shotgun with rabbit dropping soaked in olive oil and firing a couple dozen shots in the bathroom, that's what it looked like. Sirius failed to warn them that the rune scheme didn't just make a mess out of morning leaks. Not that it would have dissuaded him in the slightest.

Fred had gotten the brunt of it and was naturally freaking the fuck out. Harry took a second to ponder why the redhead didn't clean himself off with his wand before realizing he must have forgotten it in his rush to reach the toilet.

Amateur mistake there Gred.

Quietly closing the door, Harry layered on a silencing charm and all eighteen locking and repelling wards he knew onto the wooden frame. All were spells utterly impossible to break through without a wand, and nobody would be coming to help for a good half hour at least, save for maybe sir-piss-a-lot, Lee Jordan. But Harry doubted the dreadlock-rocking sex-machine would opt to spend the time necessary to tear down his wards instead of fleeing through the common room and down the hall towards the seventh floor toilets.

Today was looking to be a fun day. Now where was he going to find a shotgun and rabbit droppings at this hour?


Chapter 6 Preview:

Luna Lovegood


Harry and Viktor walked along the line of second and third year students. It had taken Cedric using all of his clout and charm on Cho, but they had managed to setup a Seeker training day for underclassman. It also took the baited promise that Harry and Viktor would loan out their Firebolts so the seeker hopefuls would experience what seeking is like at high speed, the way professionals play. The high turnout could also be explained by the fact that the "study group" was being taught by none other than the star seeker of Hogwarts; Harry Potter, with assistance from the little known professional player, Viktor Krum.

You probably haven't heard of him. He isn't exactly popular.

There were a good thirty students, mostly third years, from all four houses. Harry couldn't wait to see Draco's temper tantrum when he learned they excluded him from the event. Cho and Cedric had at least been invited to help, but apparently preferred to have their own private practice away prying eyes.

Perverts. He was surrounded by perverts.

Their first order of business was to examine the brooms for any defects or jinxes. The lessons would begin by having the underclassman practice a few basic drills on their own brooms, or school brooms, before pairing them up and teaching them how to handle the much more dangerous Firebolts. Safety first after all.

There were a few obvious contenders, like Astoria Greengrass who had dreams of playing on the "might is right" all male Slytherin team. Good luck with that Greengrass. Ginny was obviously there too, standing in line with her hand-me-down Cleansweep 7. This confused Harry, seeing as her older brothers had Cleansweep fives.

"Oh it's Charlie's old broom." Ginny explained as she positively vibrated with excitement for the event. "Mum kept it locked up until she could give it to me for my second year."

Yeah. The Weasley matriarch totally wasn't showing favoritism for her only daughter. Noooooo, none of that going on at all.

Everyone else's brooms were pretty standard, and came out clean during their inspection. That was until they came upon a petite blonde third year hailing from Ravenclaw.

"Er, why is there a teddy bear strapped to the head of your broom?" Harry asked with worry.

Indeed, the wide-eyed girl had strapped a small teddy bear to the very tip of her broom with some kind of clip on cup holder meant for desks and a whole lot of rubber bands. It looked like a childish figurehead for a pirate ship. Wait, were those radishes hanging from her ears?

"Oh that's my copilot, David Bowie." The girl explained with a dreamy voice.

The guy from the labyrinth with a moose knuckle? Ick!

"And, uh, vhy did you name your teddy bear after the singer?" Viktor asked, apparently more familiar with the Muggle actor/musician than Harry was.

"Well because he has a little bow, silly!" She answered as if it were the most obvious thing in the world and they were idiots for asking. "And also because his hair is super soft, just like David Bowie's."

Silence met her explanation. Harry didn't know how they did it, but both he and Viktor managed to keep straight faces at her explanation. Viktor recovered first, leaning down into Harry's ear and whispering.

"This girl is an absolute riot. We must keep her around."

Harry wholeheartedly agreed.


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