It didn't matter. Because in the end, he would always choose them.
He was the one person who was supposed to put her first, but his duty would never allow that.
So as she sat there, holding the pregnancy test in one hand, and an apple in the other, she wondered once again what she would do. Should she tell him? Should she disappear? Should she tell everyone?
She knew she owed him enough that he deserved to know. But she couldn't bear the thought of telling everyone; everyone who loved him and thought the world of him, and hated her. She couldn't let them take away her child. Not now. Not ever.
Nesta sighed. Putting the pregnancy test in her pocket, she tossed the apple into the air.
She'd known for a while now that Cassian was her mate. It wasn't the sort of thing that one could just ignore. But… she also knew that, even if Cassian were to love her more than anything, even if he accepted her as his mate, even if he did everything she could ever want, he would always put his duty to Rhysand and Feyre first. Because that was who he was: loyal, brave, kind, strong. Someone to rely on.
Still, the fact that her cauldron-damned sister would always have more power over her mate than her didn't sit well with Nesta. Feyre was High Lady, Feyre had the whole Inner Circle as her best friends and her new family. Why couldn't Nesta just have one person? Just one?
Even Elain, whom Nesta had cared for above all else, whom Nesta had loved and taken care of and sacrificed the world for, even ELAIN had abandoned Nesta.
Perhaps it was the world's way of taking revenge on her for not providing for her family as a child. For wanting her father to feed them and take care of them the way he had when they were younger. But truly, wasn't it enough that she'd drowned in that Cauldron and been turned into the thing she'd feared and hated her entire life?
Nesta shut her eyes.
The baby's only possible father was Cassian. Once, Nesta had taken to sleeping with countless, nameless men, just to show that she could and just to try to feel something. Who she was proving something to, she wasn't entirely sure: perhaps her parents, who had raised her to be proper and to become this thing that even her sisters couldn't love, perhaps her old self, who had actually believed that by marrying herself off she could help her sisters, perhaps Tomas, who had tried to take her virginity. But for a few months now, she had not engaged sexually with anyone, save one drunken night where she and Cassian had…
She'd woken up early in the morning, wrapped in his arms and sheets, her head resting gently against his chest, both of them naked. Panicking over what the fallout of that one night of pleasure would be, she'd quietly pried herself from his arms, gathered her clothes, and left. They hadn't spoken of that night again.
Nesta had tried, on several different occasions, to get Cassian alone, to try and build a friendship, or maybe just a civil relationship, with the male. And every time, without fail, Feyre or Rhysand or Morrigan, who hated Nesta as much as Nesta hated her, had interrupted, stealing Cassian away for something.
According to the calendar, Nesta was probably about two and a half months into the pregnancy. She knew she wanted to keep the baby. From what she knew due to gossip from when she'd been human, her belly would start showing around three or four months. Meaning Nesta only had a few more weeks to procrastinate before deciding how to tell Cassian that she was pregnant and how to make sure that he wouldn't tell the rest of the Inner Circle.
It wasn't that she thought the Inner Circle would hate her baby; on the contrary, she knew they would love them because the child would be Cassian's. She just didn't want them hovering around her during her pregnancy, acting like they cared about her, seeing them conflicted between their disgust at her and their love for the child she carried… She didn't want them to poison the one relationship she needed: the relationship between her and her child… It was already going to be hard enough to be a mother without all their judgmental stares and fake smiles.
To be a mother was something Nesta had always thought would be in her future but had never given too much thought to. Motherhood. Morning sickness, giving birth, breastfeeding, playing with her child, watching her child grow… Did she even know how to be a mother? Could she even take care of a child? She, who had allowed her sisters to starve, doing nothing? She, who had drunk herself into stupors and slept with anyone; she, who couldn't stand the crackling sound of fire and couldn't even take a bath… Could she take care of an infant?
She didn't know. But she was certain in only one fact: she would not let anyone take her child away from her.
She did a quick mental calculation and sighed in relief: she hadn't drunk very much in the past few months. She needed to eat more, though. While she didn't care very much if she allowed herself to waste away, her child needed to be healthy. She'd go to the market tomorrow to buy some food.
Nesta cleaned up her house, throwing away old food and bottles, putting away dishes and clothes. She would need to buy clothes, too. Nesta sorted through her clothes, making a pile of the looser ones which would allow her to hide her bump for a month or so. She definitely needed to buy subtly loose clothing as well as maternity clothes if she didn't want people to know so soon.
Nesta sat down on her bed, and took a deep breath, calming herself. While she didn't know that much about being a mother, she did know the basics of how to hold and breastfeed an infant, since she had seen her mother do so with Feyre.
She needed a plan.
Step one: buy food and clothes tomorrow
Step two: find a way to invite Cassian over
Step three: make him swear not to tell anyone
Step four: tell him about the pregnancy
Step five: make sure no one else finds out
Step six: prepare a nursery
Nesta nodded to herself. She would be totally fine. And if Cassian couldn't promise to keep it a secret or if he didn't want to get involved under her conditions, well, she would be just fine. Her child would get to know their father later in life and that was that.
Nesta looked in the mirror. There was nothing outwardly different about her yet, at least none that she could feel or tell. She had been feeling nauseous at times, and it was getting worse, but it was nothing new. Ever since she'd turned fae, her body had been messed up, throwing up whatever she ate and aching over nothing. It had been getting somewhat better, but during her drunken stage, she had obviously thrown up quite a lot. When that phase had ended almost six months ago, her body had also recovered. Still, when the pregnancy-induced nausea had begun, she hadn't thought much of it. According to her little knowledge, it was supposed to be worst at around three months.
Great, she thought to herself.
She placed a hand on her stomach, marveling that a life was inside her. She hoped that whatever trauma her body had endured when she'd turned fae wouldn't affect the baby. Truth to be told, Nesta hadn't even been sure that, as fae, she could get pregnant, since her body had been through so much. That was part of the reason Nesta knew she couldn't get rid of this baby.
"Hello, little one," she whispered. "I can't believe you're in there. I hope you know that I'll take care of you no matter what. It doesn't matter what Cassian- what your dad- decides. I don't know very much about babies but I'll do my best. I'll read some books… Did you know that I love reading? After you're born, I'll read you lots and lots of books. In books, you can do whatever you want. You can be anything. But you're… you haven't even been born yet, have you? You still have your whole life ahead of you. You really can be whatever you want. I'm going to make sure of that." Nesta laughed quietly. "I don't even know if you can hear me. But maybe you can feel what I'm saying? I love you, little one. I love you, unconditionally." A tear slipped from her eye, and Nesta hastily wiped it away, despite being alone in her home.
Unconditional love was something Nesta had always craved. Her father had once loved her the most, and her mother had loved each of them equally, claiming that she would cherish them forever. Yet her forever had ended far too soon, and so Nesta's reality had dissolved. Her adorable, loving baby sisters had turned into something else: Elain, into a reserved, smiling child; Feyre, a stubborn, strong girl. First Feyre had lost her admiration for Nesta; now, years later, after all they had endured, Elain had lost her patience at her elder sister.
Nesta didn't know if her child would love her unconditionally, especially when they found out about her past. Still, she would love her child no matter what and she would make sure that her child knew that they were loved.
Another tear slipped.
Stupid pregnancy hormones, Nesta thought to herself, wiping the tear before it could make a trace down her cheek.
Walking over to the kitchen, Nesta decided that tomorrow, after shopping, she'd go to the library and pick out pregnancy books.
AN:
Thank you so much for reading! Please review & follow!
(I read all reviews and take them into account so any constructive criticism, questions, or comments as rly appreciated!)
I also posted this on Ao3 (just FYI). Hope you liked it!
Behind the title:
I chose the title to be sand and stardust because sand symbolizes time (which suddenly slips through your fingers, especially when raising a child), & stardust because we are all made of stardust and I think that having a child makes your appreciate the beauty of life itself (which I think stardust conveys).
