Okay, as promised in "The Hollow Instructor", here's a little side story that goes deeper into Kirito and Asuna's thoughts about the events from chapter 14 to chapter 19. I hope it can clear up a few things if there are still questions that weren't answered in chapter 19, "Truth Be Told".
This is set on the evening of the events of chapter 17 of "The Hollow Instructor", "...And It Burns".
After discussing the crisis of the Assault Team with their friends, Kirito and Asuna have a private conversation about their very personal issues concerning the matter at hand.
Disclaimer: I don't own Sword Art Online Re:Hollow Fragment or Sword Art Online in general.
Kirito sat on the bed in a room at Agil's inn. This had been his room over the course of a few months. Technically speaking, he had moved out about a week ago after Agil found a log cabin on the 83rd floor for him, Asuna and Yui. Agil kept this room as a guest room for them, though.
It was nice to know that he had a place to stay at near his friends and loved ones. The log cabin on the 83rd floor was a replacement for the one he had owned on the 22nd floor – it was a retreat for him and his new-found family. This room, however, also gave him a chance to still be near the other comrades he had found in SAO. He could stay here after parties like the one they had held after reaching the 80th floor or when he just felt like it.
Similarly, he could stay here if he felt that he was needed in Arc Sophia… like right now. It wasn't the time to relax in the forest of the 83rd floor. There was too much going on with the Assault Team recently.
Today, they had held a meeting about the issue. Kirito hoped that his plan to bring Akinym to help with cleaning up this mess would work… As much as he'd like to do something right now, there was nothing he could do… yet. For now, it was up to Argo to dig up information. Sometimes, patience was the best tactic after all…
Regardless, there was too much on his mind for him to find rest this evening. As if someone had sensed that, there was a knock on the door.
Asuna: Kirito-kun, would it be okay for me to come in?
Kirito [slightly surprised]: Asuna? Um, y-yeah, of course.
Asuna opened the door, stepped into the room and immediately closed the door behind her again without a word. Kirito was sure that there was something specific on her mind – not just because of their meeting earlier that day – yet she seemed strangely calm. Kind of serene.
Asuna: It's been an eventful day, hasn't it? It makes it a bit hard to relax.
Kirito: Well, kind of. Do you wanna talk about something, or…?
Asuna [slightly awkwardly]: Well, actually, I was about to ask the same thing. [calmly] Everyone tried to help me with my worries and problems today, [slightly worriedly] but I thought that you should also have someone to listen to yours.
Kirito was taken by surprise for a second. However, he recovered in no time and chuckled a bit awkwardly.
Kirito: I mean, maybe. Figures that you saw right through me. I guess I have something on my mind, too.
Asuna walked over to Kirito and sat down on the bed beside him.
Asuna [cheerfully, slightly haughtily]: You got that right! There's nothing you can hide from me!
They laughed a little about it, and the last shred of tense atmosphere was gone. However, they went straight back to serious matters.
Asuna: You shouldn't count the others out, though. Okay, most of them are probably a bit too busy with their own worries, but I actually had to convince Leafa-san to let me go first. [chuckles] She even practiced a comfort speech.
Kirito [happily, slightly surprised]: She did? Well, that's… [happily, slightly awkwardly] kinda nice.
Now that he thought about it, Kirito wasn't actually very surprised that Leafa had also noticed that something had been weighing on his mind. After all, she knew him longer than anyone else, and – for better or worse – she had seen exactly what it looked like when he was bottling something up.
Not to mention that she was the kind of person to show a lot of sympathy… And the little bit of awkwardness fit right in, too.
Asuna [softly]: It is, but I kinda want it to be my turn. You see, I… I'd like to thank you.
Kirito [surprised]: Really? For what?
Asuna: For… caring, I guess. I mean, for noticing how heavily this task I've taken has been burdening me all this time. I thought I had to hide it from you and anyone else, but it actually feels really good to know that you still noticed.
Kirito blushed a little and scratched his cheek.
Kirito: I-is that so? Well, good… I guess.
Asuna [chuckles]: No need to be so humble, okay? During the last days, you've really shown me that I can… count on you. [slightly contemplatively] Yes, I think that's a good way to put it: I can count on you to support me in being myself.
Kirito [slightly confused]: Hm? What do you mean, "in being yourself"?
Asuna: It's… a bit complicated. I had the feeling that I had to put on a mask around everyone else. I had to act strong and confident around my subordinates at the guild and the other Assault Team members, that's… basically just business. [slightly dejectedly] What really bothered me was that I had the feeling that I had to act like that around you and my friends, too.
Kirito [hesitantly, slightly worriedly]: You see… that's… something I couldn't really understand. I mean, is there a particular reason why you didn't say anything if it was bothering you?
Asuna averted her gaze for a moment and gathered her thoughts.
Asuna: I guess it's just about meeting expectations. You know, whenever I heard what others thought of me, it was "how insanely strong The Flash is" or "how calm and confident the vice-commander of the KoB is"… or anything else like that. [slightly contemplatively] It's… a matter of how I've been raised, but I guess I wanted to meet all these expectations… and I kinda assumed that the people that are close to me had the same expectations.
Kirito thought about that statement for a moment. There was probably more to come, but what already caught his attention was the part about "the way Asuna had been raised". That was a real world issue, so it was something that would normally not be brought up in SAO.
Yet Asuna did, and it seemed to be an issue… Kirito had the feeling that there was more to it, and he wondered if he should inquire further. Maybe Asuna wouldn't mind if it was him…
However, it still felt wrong, so Kirito decided against it.
Asuna: I mean, Silica-san always speaks of me in such admiration, I've always been composed and cheerful around Liz, Sinon-san seems to have enough worries as is, and [slightly awkwardly] I just wanted to look strong and confident around Leafa-san… [mutters, embarrassed] to make a good impression. [calmly] And with Yui… What mother would want to look weak in front of her daughter? Not to mention that Yui-chan always looks so proud when she talks about us.
Asuna turned her head towards Kirito. He was a bit shocked to see the sudden worry in her expression, even if it actually wasn't as bad as he made it out to be at first.
Asuna: I guess my biggest worry was that they only liked me because I was strong and could give them a sense of security, so they'd turn away if I showed weakness… just as many people in the Assault Team seem to do. And… that even you…
Kirito already knew what Asuna was going to say, and frankly, he didn't want to hear it. To be more precise, he didn't want her to have that kind of feeling/worry about him.
He put her hand into his and looked at her with a determined and slightly stern expression. Asuna was a bit startled by the gesture.
Kirito: That's nonsense, Asuna! I don't like you just because of your strength! And neither do the others.
Asuna put on a soft smile while intertwining their fingers. She nodded.
Asuna: Mhm, I know. Now I know. I… began to believe that after what you said to Akinym-san.
Kirito [confused]: What I said to him?
Asuna: I mean what you said about not wanting others to tell me what I should do or be like.
Now Kirito understood what she was talking about. To be honest, he had just said what had come to his mind on the spur of the moment. He had been honest and didn't regret saying that, but it was also a bit embarrassing in his opinion.
Kirito: Well, it's just that I've been seeing people treating you like that for way too long, and you already had too much on your mind at that time. I mean, it was just the same thing with Schmitt after the boss battle. I just wanted them to give you a break, so I kinda snapped when Akinym showed that attitude. Sorry if I went a bit too far...
Asuna: Don't be! You know, it made me happy. Very happy. I don't even know when was the last time that someone gave me the feeling that I could be myself around them like that.
Kirito: W-well, now you know… I guess. [calmly] I just want you to know that I have trust in you even if struggle every once in a while, [slightly reassuringly] so you can be open about it, okay? You're still the right person to lead the Assault Team in times like this, [averts his eyes, mutters, grumpily] despite what some people say.
Asuna's expression became oddly serious. It took Kirito aback.
Asuna: Kirito-kun, could you hear me out on this?
Kirito wondered why Asuna would ask him that. Was she about to tell him something he might not understand? He didn't know, but he had just told Asuna to be open with him, so he figured that he should comply and nodded.
Asuna: I think I'll step down as the leader of the Assault Team, no matter how we will resolve the current crisis. I just don't believe anymore that I'm the right person to deal with all this. [slightly sternly] And before you say anything: No, that's not about anything Akinym-san or anybody else said. It's a conclusion I've come to myself.
Kirito: I… see. So what are you going to do?
Asuna: I will not let the Divine Dragon Alliance take over if that's what you think. I think that leading the Assault Team isn't a responsibility that a single party should shoulder. I've tried my best to decide objectively, but I've come to realise that I often lacked the right perspective. I agree with Akinym-san about one thing: Every player in the game deserves consideration and to be heard, but I… failed to do that, and I don't see how I could do that better. I don't know if anyone can. Maybe Akinym-san could to some extent, but he has lost sight of other things in turn. I think the way the Assault Team is led has to change fundamentally, and I have an idea as to how this would work.
Kirito had an idea as to what Asuna was getting at now. He could understand her thought process to some extent.
For a long time, many people had thought that the Assault Team should be unified to a certain degree and that they'd need one leader for them all in order to march forward with maximum determination. Maybe that kind of thinking was wrong…
No matter what anyone else would say, even Asuna herself, Kirito believed that she was a talented leading figure. However, a task such as leading the Assault Team would require to balance a lot of different skills, and a leader of such a big group would have to keep an overview over many things. That was probably too much for a single person, let alone a girl who was (probably) still in high school.
Kirito: I see. If that's what you want, you have my support.
Asuna: Thanks.
Kirito thought about Asuna's stance on the current crisis once more. Apparently, she was eager to draw a lesson from it, which was a healthy approach. To be honest, it was healthier than what Kirito had thought would go on in her mind.
Frankly, he had thought that she would secretly be mad at many of the other Assault Team members for putting so much pressure on her. Even more than that, Kirito had thought that Asuna would be upset – if not furious – about what Akinym had said to her.
Now he wasn't so sure anymore. The way Asuna had talked about the conclusions she had drawn didn't sound like it.
Kirito: Asuna, if you don't mind me asking, is there anything you'd want to tell the people who really have these expectations of you? Especially Akinym. I… wanna know what's actually on your mind about that.
Asuna thought about it for a moment.
Asuna: I'd say that when I learnt what Akinym-san did to defeat Arboreal Fear and that it was my strategy against the GeoCrawler that had given him that idea in the first place, what shocked me the most was that it was as if I was facing a former version of myself.
Kirito: So this was about the possibility that someone might want you to revert back to that former self?
Asuna: That's… also the case, but it was more than that. I still believe that it's for the better that I could leave that inner hopelessness and stubborn single-mindedness behind, and I don't want to go back to these days, but there's also the fact that I had help to overcome it. Without that help, I wouldn't be where I am, as a person who can finally be happy again. I'm wondering what has led Akinym-san down that path, and if I can reach him like you've reached me. It feels like an opportunity to… pay some of the luck I've had back.
So that was what she thought… Kirito pondered over it for a moment.
If he had to be honest, he had used his guess about how Asuna felt about Akinym as a justification for his own (admittedly minor) animosity towards him. That wasn't an option anymore, yet the uneasy feeling that Kirito had had for a while now wouldn't go away.
Asuna [slightly softly]: You know, Kirito-kun, I actually wanted to hear you out about what's preying on your mind, but now we only talked about what I think. I guess it's your turn!
Kirito [smiles, thinks]: As if on cue… [says aloud] Well, there is this one particular thought I can't shake off. Whenever I think about the things Akinym did, my mind almost immediately jumps to a conversation we had. It was about the old Beater stories.
Kirito mentioning the whole Beater ordeal reminded Asuna of something else Akinym had said. It was about "making the necessary decisions regardless what others would think about it".
Asuna: Could it be that you're concerned that Akinym-san is just trying to do the same thing as you did back then? Trying to do the right thing even if everyone else blames and despises him for that?
Kirito [slightly contemplatively]: Well, maybe to some extent, although I'd say it's mostly about the way the others look at the issues. [calmly] Akinym basically called the Beater rumors "illogical", and he stated that anyone could've seen through it with a little bit of thinking. To be honest, I'd agree to some extent, so I guess I'm a bit worried that I could jump to conclusions just as the other players back then. I mean, take what that guy at the meeting told us: At first glance, Akinym just killed someone, which would be inexcusable, at least on paper. But we both know that the reality of SAO is more difficult than that.
Asuna just nodded in response. She hated to think of some of the things they had to do over the course of about two and a half years to survive, but there was just no way around the fact that these things had happened.
Asuna [slightly curiously and worriedly]: But there's more, isn't it?
Kirito: Well, yeah… [worriedly] I've made a lot of mistakes ever since the death game started, and as much as I wished I could correct them, I won't ever be able to correct most of them. I think I at least owe it to the people I've met and… I owe it to them to draw the right lessons from what happened, and I used to believe that I do…
Asuna [worriedly]: You… used to? [calmly] So… What about now?
Kirito: When Akinym asked me when was the last time I thought about any of the Assault Team members I don't know personally, I wanted to tell him that I care about all people in Aincrad, that I don't play favourites. However, I've realised that he was right. They are all just nameless figures to me. Recently, I thought that it was for the best if I just kept fighting on the frontlines, that there was nothing wrong with that because I would still fight for all people that are trapped in SAO. [dejectedly] B-but… Can a person who doesn't know the first thing about the daily struggles of all these people really claim to do that?! What am I even doing? There's not even anything I'm doing that anybody else couldn't do… I'm just blindly following the straightforward path before me. Am I caring about others? I'm only caring about those who are already close to me! Is what I'm doing right now really that much better than what I did when the death game began?!
At this point, Kirito's body was shaking. Asuna was visibly worried, but she decided to hear him out before she would do anything. She had the feeling that it would be better that way.
Kirito: I have to face the question if I'm really dealing with what I've experienced in this world in the best way I can. On top of that, if Akinym really is some kind of "Beater" himself, I'm wondering if he's actually doing it better than I am. What if someone else is drawing the right lessons just as I should, and he came to the exact opposite conclusions? I… just don't know what to think.
Now that he had voiced all these worries, Kirito actually felt a little bit better, at least for the time being…
...which meant for about five seconds or so. The fact that Asuna didn't say anything made him a bit worried. He couldn't look directly at her, but he felt that she didn't even move.
When she pulled her hand away, he was scared that she actually would turn away from him. However, that fear was promptly abolished as Asuna scooted closer and put an arm around Kirito before resting her head on his shoulder.
Asuna: You don't have to worry about that. You're doing everything you can to make amends for your mistakes and everything you regret.
Kirito was downright astonished to see how Asuna's simple words affected him. If nothing else, they provided an immense feeling of comfort.
Asuna: You fight every day as hard as you can to beat this game, and nobody understands this game better than you. You, too, have something you can do better than anyone else, and you do that every day to play your part, please don't forget that! You're trying to help others, people you don't even know, whenever you can. Silica-san, Liz, Klein-san, Agil-san… me… or even Philia-san in the Hollow Area – you have a positive impact on so many lives just around you, and there are even more people like the former guild Golden Apple, Nishida-san or Thinker-san and the Army.
Kirito's eyes widened as he let the realisation hit him. Were there really that many? Well, yeah. He had been so focused on the people he hadn't even seen that he had completely forgotten about some of them.
Asuna: See? You're not just following a simple path so you can claim that you did something, you have an actual impact on others in the best way possible! You help others, you even inspire them. A while ago, Silica-san even told me that she only wants to join the Assault Team because you managed to give her a sense of confidence, and she wants to prove that your efforts haven't been wasted on her. She wants to repay you. That's how much you've done for a single person. Maybe you haven't solved all her problems, but you've given her strength to do it herself.
Kirito's expression at that moment showed pure relief. It was very soothing to hear someone close to him say all that.
Kirito: Y-yeah, I think you're right. Thanks, Asuna!
Asuna just nodded with a smile.
Kirito put an arm around her and reciprocated her hug. They stayed like that for a moment, just basking in the comforting warmth.
Asuna: No need to thank me, Kirito-kun. You're here to support me when I need it, so I'll be there when you need me, too. I just want you to know that I think you've drawn the right lessons from your past. You just have to accept that you are only one person, just as I have to. We can't save or help everyone in SAO on our own.
That evening, both of them came to terms with the worries that had been haunting them for a while. Now there was only the question if they could bring it across to Akinym.
...and that was shown in chapter 19 of "The Hollow Instructor", so... yeah.
At first, I had thought about throwing in a little scene with Yui at the end for some lighthearted, silly comedy, but I think it wouldn't fit the hurt/comfort theme of this side story, so I've omitted it. I already have another idea when I'll use the general idea.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little side story. Next up is chapter 20 of "The Hollow Instructor", and after that, there will already be the next side story. A little teaser: It will be a special treat for all those who think we need more stories about friendships between the canon cast.
