A/N: Trolls in the reviews are to ignored or laughed at, as always. Already deleted twenty of them in the last five minutes. I'm sure they'll try and rear their ugly heads here as well.

Who says I update only RWBY stories these days?! Eh?! Oi! Well, Kiss of Death needs a little more time before its ready, so the gang I decided to update this one next, if only to make a point.

Remember! This, right here, is a humor-driven story! Don't take it too seriously. Its mean to make you smile, so I hope we've achieved that aim.

Still really sore from my surgery, can't move around too much.

That aside, this story is a right delight to write. Maybe I should call it "Misunderstandings In Mordor" given Naruto's luck. Hmm. Doesn't quite roll off the tongue. On another note the gang and I finally broke down and played the Blade of Galadriel DLC, seeing as everyone was begging us to include certain Orcs in the game. We enjoyed that part...but not so much Eltariel. Didn't think it was possible to hate her even more, but now we do.

By comparison the Desolation of Mordor was alright, I guess? I've got no beef with Baranor, but it was stressful; you die once in that mode, and you lose damn near everything. Still, we somehow manged to get through that one without dying at least. Still running around the desert with Talion causing chaos.

Speaking of the 'ol Gravewalkr, Talion/Celebrimbor are still getting ready to forge that New Ring of theirs; which is a bloody good thing, because it means they're far, far, FAR away from Naruto and the chaos that follows him. When they meet...well. That'll be fun to write.

Now we experience a minor timeskip of a few days here, nothing major...

As promised, here's the Naruto POV you've all been asking for.

Couldn't help myself with the title.

"Come into my parlor, said the spider to the fly...

~?

An Itsy Bitsy Spider

Naruto was beginning to wonder if he'd gone mad.

It certainly felt like it sometimes. Like this was all one big twisted joke, and he was still waiting for the punchline to crack him upside the head. But it wasn't a joke, was it? By now he knew this couldn't be a dream; if only because the series of unfortunate events that led him to this point were too absurd, too fantastic to possibly be called such. He'd stumbled from one misunderstanding to another, and someway, somehow, he'd wound up with a following. And now this.

"Come to me."

Someone called to him; a strange specter haunted his dreams, tormented his every waking moment.

In hindsight, Naruto wasn't even sure who "she" was, only that he'd felt compelled to come here; if only to make her shut up!

To find this dark, awful place in Cirith Ungol and see who or what sought out his attention. He'd indulged his curiosity on a whim, leaving Kruk behind to handle matters in Nurn. Bruz had chosen -demanded really!- to accompany him for reasons he failed to understand. No doubt he thought this was all part of his master plan. Yeah, right. A plan. He definitely had one of those. He wasn't making this up as he went along; totally wasn't flying by the seat of seat of his pants here. Nope! Not at all! Fake it until you make it. That was his plan.

"And not a bad one at that...for a rookie."

"Bite me, Kurama." the blond clicked his tongue. "Better yet, bite Kruk! Probably how he likes it."

At least he wasn't alone in this. But he wasn't immortal either. Stab him in the right spot and he'd die. Granted, it would take a lot of stabbing, but there were a lot of Orcs in Mordor. Numbers had a quality all their own, and he wasn't keen on being Orc fodder anytime soon.

"Then we'll kill them all."

"Feh!" Naruto barked a laugh, noise echoing in the tunnerl. "Easier said than done.

Bruz muttered something under his breath. "Bloody spiders. Why did it have to be spiders? I hate spiders!"

"Hey, don't go getting enraged on me." Naruto blinked, reluctantly roused from his reverie. "They're harmless. See?" He held out an arm and one skittered up the length of his limb and raised its long legs in what might've been a greeting. He gave the little thing a quick pat and sent it scurrying on its way. "Wouldn't hurt a fly."

"Hrmph. Harmless to you, maybe." the olog groused. "Sorry, boss. Never really been a fan of spiders. Too many bloody legs. Don't get me started on the venom."

"That's alright." Naruto patted his arm as the descended deeper into the pit. "You don't have to follow me in here, Bruz."

"See, when you put it like that, I kinda do...can't have you dying before you we take that fort, eh?"

Blue eyes squinted at him. "Well, yeah. You can have the fort, Bruz. I don't want it."

"Heh." a bruising pat on the back nearly sent him stumbling. "You really are one of a kind, boss. Nothing like that Gravewalker bloke,"

A warm heat crawled up the back of Naruto's neck as another spider skittered by underfoot. "That's what everyone keeps telling me. Think I'd like to have a few words with that guy."

Bruz laughed at that; a deep booming bray of a sound that bounded off the barrow walls.

"Y'know, I think I'd like to see that for myself."

In the end the Olog continued to follow him for reasons Naruto still didn't quite understand.

"Orcs respect power and strength." Kurama's voice drifted beside him as they descended to the deepest part of the tunnel yet. "They follow those who are strong, but thus far, you've given each of them a choice. They seem to like that. From what Bruz told us, no one's bothered to ask them what they want before."

The thought put a smile on Naruto's face; one that lasted even as they reached their destination.

A large antechamber awaited them beyond, with high looming walls, vaulted ceilings and webs in abundance as far as the eye could see. It was here that the spiders congregated, dozens of tiny little legs clicking against the worn rock as they awaited his arrival. In another life, such a sight might have terrified Naruto. Now? He merely arched an eyebrow at it and stormed down to the center of the room. Each arachnid made way for him, careful to avoid being trod upon. Some even bowed.

Bruz shuddered. "Don't like this. Don't like it one bit."

Naruto patted his arm and went ahead.

"Alright!" the last shinobi raised his arms and all but bellowed the word, voice rippling through the chamber. "I've heard your voice in my dreams for the last week now. You let us here, right?" he paused and cocked his head to the right, anticipating an interruption. Almost expecting one, really. When none came he found himself dissapointed. "Show yourself!"

Silence reigned supreme and availed him naught. An eye twitched, pulsing alongside a muscle in is jaw

"Fine. You have five seconds before I bring this cave down on your head.

Not so much as a lick of noise. Even the spiders had fallen silent.

He began his count. "One. Two. Three. Four...!"

"My, my, my. Aren't you a foolish little fly?" A woman's voice answered him as laughter swelled into the air. Rich and indulgent, soft and sensual like silken sheets. "Or perhaps not foolish, but brave?"

Naruto was having none of it. He'd spent the better part of two days walking here, his feet hurt, he hadn't eaten a damn thing since this morning, and frankly he was fed up.

"Yeah, can you not with the puns please?"

Bruz barked a warning.

Blue eyes flashed red and his body burned gold as he flared his cloak, a pulse of light beating back the darkness. The spiders recoiled around him with a hiss and there, for a moment, he saw a towering monstrosity in the dark. It hung back from the rest, regarding him with bead eyes.

In a plume of black smoke, it shifted it shape and something...more.

Bare human feet padded against the cavern floor, trailing up into long creamy white legs and pale things wrapped in dark cloth. The rest of her -for this could only someone of the fairer sex- was similarly clad in that eerie thin garment, her face angular and eyes sharp, a stern visage framed by a flowing curtain of ebony hair.

"Nope." Kurama shook his head. "All the nope. This is bullshit. Going back to bed!"

"And what do we have here?" the faintest of smiles wreathed her pale features as she approached the two of them. "A man and an Olog. Quite the pair. No," said smile became a frown as she turned her head to regard his piercing blue eyes once more. "Not a man. Something more." She blinked. Once. Twice. Thrice. Finally, she found her voice. "What...are you?"

Naruto's reaction proved more profound. He tried not to flinch, but for a different reason entirely. "Gah! Spider lady! What the hell?!"

"You...?!" The woman bridled as he flailed his arms at her. "I am no mere spider, you damnable man!"

Bruz crashed backward, clutching his sides as he howled with laughter.

"Then what are you, a mind reader or something?!"

"I am Shelob." she all but snarled the last word. "And I deal only in truth. Why have you come here?"

Naruto coughed. "Um...because you called me?"

"That is not of what I speak." Dark lashes fluttered in a rapid blink. "I ask of how you came to be here. Of how you came to Middle Earth-

"Fell outta the sky." Naruto felt the beginnings of a smile pluck at his face. "You didn't know that, miss I-See-All?"

A dark brow quirked. "My visions grant me much, but I am not omnipotent."

"No, you're just a meddling witch with a mouth." Naruto shot back.

"And you, a foolish man." she countered instantly.

"Hmmph!" he crossed his arms. Spider hag!"

"Impudent pup!"

Bruz climbed back to his feet as they traded barbs. Bruz looked left. Bruz looked right. Bruz sighed.

"This is gonna take awhile, innit? You want me to wait outside, boss?"

"If you want." Naruto shrugged. "Just be careful."

"Aye, I'll be careful."

"You need not fear my brood." Shelob reassured him with a bemused smile. "They shall do you no harm."

"Bloody spiders." The olog grimaced, raising a foot. "More the Gravewalker that I'm worried about."

Full lips quirked in what might have been a smile. "He is...indisposed at the moment."

Naruto arched an eyebrow, but no story was immediately forthcoming.

"Hrmph." Bruz grunted and trundled off. "If you say so."

To her credit, Shelob waited until he was well out of sight and earshot alike before she dared to move again, much less speak. Once more her head swiveled in Naruto's direction and the blond found himself subject to the full weight of her gaze. He bore it stoically, showing none of the panic and confusion he felt deep inside.

"He is fond of you."

"Is he?" Naruto caught himself scratching the back of his head and wrenched his arm back before he could look like a fool. "Between him and Kruk, I can't really tell."

"Hmm." Shelob pretended to considered his words for a moment before she stepped around him. "How is it that you are able to recruit those fiends to your side without the power of domination?" She circled him now, idly trailing a pale palm across his chest."Is it charisma? A silver tongue, perhaps?" Bad touch! Bad touch! He needed an adult!

"I am an adult."

Naruto twitched. "Lady, get out of my head! And to answer your question...I dunno."

There it was. The unvarnished truth. He honestly didn't know what he'd done to inspire Kruk. Bruz had been a happy accident. Really, he was stumbling from one disaster to the other, hoping the act would hold. He didn't even have an end goal beyond getting home. And yet everyone thought he had some grand master plan. Did that make him a genius or they the fools? He wondered about that sometimes.

Shelob's gaze drifted to his marked palm. "Your hand. May I see it?"

"Sure." Wasn't like she could do anything to it, after all.

Well, he wasn't wrong about that part.

Shelob didn't do anything to the mark. The mark did something to her. Pale fingers curled around his, turning his palm over to expose the crest etched within. Tightened. Her fingers brushed it, and something deep inside of Naruto's very soul clenched in response. He couldn't think of any other way to describe it.

She recoiled with a gasp, eyes wide.

"You carry a fragment of a god within you." Well, yeah. He knew that bit already. Was she talking about Kurama or the power the Sage had left to him? Both? Oh, right. Monologue. Should probably listen to that. "I barely touched it, and yet I feel...full. This world you hail from," she quizzed him suddenly, "Are you able to return?"

"Don't you think I would have if I knew how?!"

"As you say, then." her lips brushed his ear and he fought down a shiver. "I think I'd rather like to see it for myself someday. If others wield such power, it sounds fascinating indeed."

A small, hysteric laugh burst out of Naruto and she mistook it for something else. He allowed her to. Sure. Lets bring the dangerous spider lady home to meet the parents. Because that'll go over reeeaaal well with the rest of Elemental Nations. He could just imagine their reactions now. Hey guys, I'm back! I brought an army with me! Did I miss anything?

But now Shelob was stepping away, and he found himself distracted once more.

"Forge your army." she told him. "There is a great shadow on the horizon, and I would see it held at bay. Do so and I shall grant you the alliance you seek. I will aid you in the battles to come."

"Neat...?"

She blinked at him, eyes narrowing with suspicion. "Is that not why you have come here?

Nope! Roll with it! Bullshit was the way to victory!

"Yeah, sure." Naruto coughed into his fist to hide his smile. "That sounds great."

"All I ask in return is this." the shapeshifter held up a single finger, capturing his attention for a third and final time. "There will come a time when I am in great danger. No, don't give me that look." she slashed a hand at the air between them when he opened his mouth to protest. "I have foreseen it. When such a time comes, I will call to you, as I have now." she paused to consider him anew. "How will you answer?"

She offered him her hand, and Naruto dithered.

That was it? That was all she was asking for? It seemed almost too good to be true, but he couldn't sense so much as a sliver of duplicity form her. Not like he had anything to lose here, either. He'd only come down here to make her stop haunting his sleep, and really, if some imagined alliance was all it took to shut her up, he'd happily accept it.

"Eh, why not?" he shrugged. "I'll help you. Just don't go poking around in my head."

"So be it." Her eyes flashed with triumph as he clasped his marked palm against hers. "Our pact is sealed." A strange burning sensation raced through his limb, leaving his fingers feeling vaguely numb for a moment. He frowned and shook it away with a pulse of chakra, restoring sensation to his quaking digits. Odd.

"Go." Shelob stepped away, returning to the darkness from which she'd come. "Build your army. Take Nurn for your own.

"Yup, that's the plan." he lied through his teeth like he was born to it. "So...are you going to come with us or...?"

Here at last, a specter of shame flitted across the shifter's face. "I...cannot. My place is in the shadows."

Shelob seemed almost sad to admit it, resigned even. As if she'd come to accept that she would never again see the light of day. It stirred a strange pang of pity in him, yet with pity came relief. He wasn't sure the world was ready for someone like her. And yet!

"That's not fair."

Shelob went terribly still. "E-Excuse me?"

"I said its not fair." he repeated the words guilelessly wholly unaware of the effect he was even now having upon her. "Why do you have to hide down here. Did you do something wrong? No? Then are you afraid of something? Someone?" when she didn't answer he bulled onward, heedless of the conflicted expression on her face. "That's not fair, either. Its your life. You should be the one deciding how to live it!

In a huff, he turned to leave.

"Naruto."

"Hmm?" her voice turned him back just as quickly. Weird. He didn't remember giving her his name.

"Beware the elven assassin." she cautioned. "Trust not in her lies or tricks. She is a creature of deceit. Beware."

"Right. Don't trust an elf." he smacked his fist into an open palm. "I'll try to remember that. Anything else you wanna get off your chest?"

Shelob fell curiously silent. Her right arm crossed her body, gripping her left wrist hard enough to turn her already pale knuckles white. It made her look surprisingly...vulnerable for a woman who laid claim to divinity. A confusing array of emotions flitted across her visage in vicious succession; rage, fear, and there at the very end. No. It almost looked like hope. Her eyes widened, only to narrow just as quickly. Her lips parted to speak-

"You done down there, boss?" Bruz called down the tunnel.

Naruto turned towards his voice.

"Yeah, just a...what?"

When he thought to turn around, Shelob was gone. Only a faint spool of dark mist remained, swirling harmlessly into the air. He waved a hand through on a whim, and felt another chill race up his arm. All's well that end's well, he supposed. He'd found the specter haunting his dreams, got her to stop, and forged himself an alliance. Kruk would say it was all in a day's work for him. It wasn't. Really, it wasn't.

"Very well."

Naruto exhaled in a long-suffering sigh. "What now?"

"I shall leave a piece of myself with you, the better by which to guide you in the war to come." her words carried on the breeze. "I've the strength for it now, thanks to your power. Do take care of her. What she sees, so I too shall see."

A tiny hand tugged at his sleeve. Against his better judgement, Naruto looked down.

A small, almost childlike version of Shelob looked up at him, her little head barely coming up to his waist. She couldn't have been more than ten years old. Only the solemn look in her eyes told him otherwise. Fortunately-or unfortunately depending upon one's point of view- his mind was somewhat preoccupied with another thought.

"So cute~!"

"I am not cute." the child huffed. "I am fearsome!"

Booming laughter echoed long and loud through the hollow cavern.

A/N: Yup, decided to end it on a more humorous note. Now the fun begins~!

Behold Little!Shelob! All shall fear her and despair...nah. Not really.

Felt Shelob deserved a chapter to herself, anything else would have felt rushed and I don't want to do that for this story. Its all about striking a balance, you know? Things are going to speed up soon and I want to finish laying the groundwork before that.

Talion's going to show up sooner or later, don't you worry. And that meeting is going to be...interesting to say the least.

Of course, the

So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...

...Review...Would You Kindly?

And enjoy the Previews!

As ever:

SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

PLOT DETAILS AHOY!

YE BE WARNED!

Read at your own risk!

(Previews!)

"TAKE THE FORT!"


"I request to be held." Little Shelob raised her arms.

Naruto did his best not to laugh again. He really did. Bruz had no such reservations.


"Nope." Kurama smacked his lips with a resounding pop. "Not dealing with an uppity elf. You gonna punch her, or can I?"

"By all means."


"No, no, no! Bad drake!" Naruto snapped. "Bad! You let go of that Orc right now!"

Much to Bruz's disbelief, the beast whined like a petulant puppy. Its long neck craned away, pretending it hadn't heard.

"Don't you give me that tone, mister!" the shinobi stabbed an accusing finger at the winged behemoth. "You stop that right now, or you'll get no treats! DROP HIM!"


"No more talk! WE! BRING! WAR!"

R&R~!