And that surprise is...multiple chapters! Probably is also the reason it took me so long to get it written, along with the emotional rollercoaster we're about to embark on, because boy oh boy, we're in for the ride of our lives! And you thought this was gonna be a fun update, lol.
Anxiety was such a lovely byproduct of nature. I loved feeling like my heart was about to beat out of my chest at the same time ice pinched the muscles between my shoulder blades and twisted knots of chilly nerves in my stomach.
My left forearm was aching profusely, even as I rubbed hard with the heel of my other hand. I couldn't even feel any pain in my leg, the adrenaline completely masking my injury.
Studiously, I kept my gaze down, and concentrated on the sound of the satin skirt swishing as I walked, then came to a stop next to Lady Saphira's skirts.
"Is she not splendid, Capitán?"
Finally, I managed to raise my eyes, seeing glossy black boots, lean legs in ivory trousers, dark waistcoat with silver trim, the telltale elegant longcoat, and finally, I glimpsed his face.
The look on Armando's face made my breath catch.
His mouth was actually slack as he stared at me, obsidian eyes glued to my form.
His expression was unmistakable, stunned silence as if he'd seen a breathtaking work of art for the first time.
The icy knot in my stomach eased, the tension in my shoulders loosening as I realized that I was the cause for that look on his face.
For a minute, I felt…confident. Stunning. Beautiful. Almost euphoric, as I stared at his veneer, the dazed astonishment as he saw what I was capable of for the first time.
And then just as quickly, I was sent plummeting back to earth.
Before I could even bask in the sensation, the complete lack of background anxiety, the idea that maybe, just maybe, I could live up to my expectations, Armando's expression began to change.
What had once been something I would have called awestruck quickly morphed into horrified realization, the emotion making the air stutter in my lungs and my stomach twist sickeningly.
Wha-what had I done wrong? Had I done something wrong? What could I have done that would put such a look on his face?
Bewildered, I could only stand there, helpless against the cold rush of anxiety wrapping itself around my middle like a rope of ice.
Leaping to his feet, Armando waved a hand at me, his expression a melting pot of wild emotions I couldn't begin to name. "You would approve of this, Señora? To allow her to look like-like a ramera?!"
Lady Delagio surged forwards, looking as if she wanted to slap him. "Sei veramente uno stronzo! She does not look like a harlot!"
I flinched at her loud voice, then slowly what she said sank in.
And the implications of what he said.
His words rang in my ears like I was standing inside a bell. Had he…had he really said that? Said I looked like a…whore?
I could only stare at him as he snapped something in Spanish at Lady Delagio, gesturing to me as they spoke rapidly to each other.
I felt for the first time like I could do something, be something, with this dress, that I could maybe even impress him a little…and I just looked like a prostitute?
Before I could control myself, my eyes began to sting, and I heard the watery hiccup I couldn't choke back.
Sucking in a shuddering breath, I bit my lip hard, keeping the sob at bay, and whirled around to limp back behind the curtain, the pain suddenly vividly evident. If only it were so easy to disappear from my emotions.
My first assessment had been correct. I was a little girl playing dress up in a world not my own. I was in a dog and pony show as a pig in a dress.
And there was no way Armando could ever feel anything more than pity for me, even when I tried my best to impress him.
Ezmeria was sympathetically silent as she appeared to help me out of the mountain of fabric, and I couldn't help but wish it was a different dress. A different color, or a cut that would maybe flatter my figure better-
Come off it. No matter how 'flattering', it won't change what you are, I snapped at myself bitterly. You're a duck out of water, and too 'different' by far. You'll never fit in.
"Do not take his words to heart," the dressmaker said quietly, her sharp features smoothed into understanding. "He is only a man, and they are not the most eloquent of creatures. Especially when confronted with something they weren't expecting."
I huffed something between a watery laugh and a scoff. "Trust me, I'm the first person to realize that."
In an uncharacteristic display of kindness, she gave me a brief squeeze on my shoulder before gathering up the gown into her arms. "I will finish the adjustments. Both of them will be ready within a few days."
"I don't want the red one," I whispered, a small pang aching in my chest. It was a lovely gown, despite how awkward it'd been to wear it, but it wasn't enough to turn me into a silk purse.
Ezmeria pursed her lips in annoyance, then folded the dress with the other one I was supposed to wear. "Yes you do. No one else has so much as expressed any interest in it for as long as it has been in my store. It is too vibrant, too bold, for these uncivilized merchants and sailors."
She sniffed disdainfully as she smoothed out a small wrinkle in the sleeve. "It is too much of a pity for it to simply gather dust amongst pale wisps of imitation. Besides, I have already sent my charges. The gown is yours."
Despite the desperate need to curl into a ball somewhere and cry my eyes out, I couldn't help a weak smile as the dressmaker bustled out of the room, both gowns cradled in her arms.
She was overbearing to the point of being rude and had no problems with bulldozing over anyone's opinion if she felt she knew better, but the lady knew her craft, and I couldn't help but like her a little more for her insistence.
Sitting down with a small sob of pain, I rubbed my leg, feeling the sore stretch of muscles as I carefully extended it back and forth, easing the deep ache.
If only the hollow agony in my chest was solved so easily. At least I don't have an appetite anymore.
I was alone, and I didn't know where Saphira was, or Salazar, and at this point, I couldn't bring myself to care.
The familiar dark train of thought started to gather itself, threatening to return tenfold after fight with the pirates.
I forced myself to move, to change into my other poorly fitting dress, grimacing at the coarse feel of fabric scratching over my skin after the velvety smoothness of the red gown, and squeezed the pinching shoes onto my feet.
I'll ask Reíno if he'd mind grabbing my stuff from the inn. I really don't feel like going back there. I closed my eyes, dreading the thought of having to go back out, to leave the quiet calmness of the backroom, to face…
My teeth sank sharply into my bottom lip as I tried to hold back a choked sob. The look on his face, disgust and contempt...why had he looked at me like that? I'd thought he would've been pleased, or at least placated that I would wear dresses as I'd been asked to…
Only to find out I looked like a prostitute.
I shook my head viciously to get rid of the echo of Armando's voice, ignoring the sting in my eyes as my vision turned watery yet again. Leave, find Ramirez, go somewhere and hide and cry until I could lock this away in the box where I was keeping all the other traumatizing memories.
And the first thing I'd do was toss out that fucking rose.
Trying to breathe through the shuddering wracking my chest, I moved to drag open the curtain and immediately bounced off a solid chest as I came out from the changing room, sending me staggering back a step, the limb protesting the sharp movement. Strong hands flashed out and held me steady as I regained my balance, holding me an extra moment as I adjusted my weight off my leg.
Instantly, the smell of masculine spice and brine met my nose and I knew exactly who was holding my arms.
No, no, no! Too soon, too fresh, it still hurts, leave me alone!
I kept my head down, not looking up, not wanting to meet dark eyes to see if they still held that look of disgust, like I was something needing to be scraped off the bottom of his boot.
I just wanted to run, to get away, to hide in some dark hole somewhere to lick my wounds and never come out.
How long would it take me to make it back to the Mary? Could I find a spot where I'd be a skeleton by the time they found my remains?
"Isabeau, por favor, mi carino, look at me."
That quiet, even tone made my lips immediately tremble, and I cursed my stupid reaction as I shook my head, both in response to his murmured command, and to try and see through blurry eyes.
I didn't want to talk, I didn't even want to look at him. I wanted to get away, I wanted to hide, I wanted to be left alone. The tightness in my chest was growing even tighter, and I could feel my tenuous control slipping.
"Isabeau." This time, my name was accompanied by a light but firm shake, his grip tightening when I tried to shove past the man standing my way. "Isabeau, look at me."
My emotions surged at the pleaded order and I lashed out, knocking his arms away with a violent shove.
"Don't touch me!" I snapped, or at least tried to. I heard the audible waver in my voice, and judging from the sharp inhale, he heard it too.
"Just leave me alone," I croaked, keeping my head down as I shouldered my way past him out into the shop.
It was beginning to get really hard to see, and I could feel tears starting to slip free as I fumbled with the doorknob before I managed to wrench it open and slam it shut behind me.
I made it past one block before I heard hurried footsteps behind me, and snarled to myself. Why couldn't they just leave me alone?
"Isabeau, return to the shop, por favor."
"No." My voice was quiet, but any louder and I'd break.
"Isabeau, vuelve a tienda!" Salazar's sharp tone wasn't gentle and pleading any longer.
Tears of anger burned my eyes as I whirled around to see Salazar storming after me, Lady Delagio hurrying alongside, her expression torn between concern and anger.
But Salazar's face was a pure mask, no emotion visible except the hardness in his eyes.
"I don't speak Spanish, forget that little tidbit?" I snapped hoarsely, the force of my emotions making the tears start to trickle down my cheeks.
"This isn't the place for such behavior, return the store and we will talk." His words were calm, even if his voice was harsh and commanding, and in any other situation, I might have cooperated.
"I'm not going back there, I am going back to the hotel," I retorted, spinning around to stomp away.
A firm hand on my arm spun me right back.
"You are going back to the shop," Salazar hissed as he leaned towards me, his expression growing thunderous. "¡Hazlo ya!"
If I'd been a proper lady, I probably should have slapped him. But I wasn't a proper lady. I would never be 'proper', despite his efforts.
And his opinion on that was quite clear.
"Fuck. You," I spat, wanting nothing more than to smack him. But I desperately held onto the last vestiges of my control, which were rapidly slipping away as fast as I tried to hold onto them.
"Watch your tongue, chiquita," Salazar warned quickly, his voice dropping to a low growl as we both ignored Lady Delagio's gaze of fascinated shock, but I didn't miss his quick glance around. "Your behavior is open for all to see, and it is not becoming of a señorita. Need I take you in hand, lest you become hysterical?"
I gaped at him, completely unable to believe that he'd actually said that. First the 'harlot' comment, now this?! Was this what he really thought of me?!
Thankfully, my temper rescued me for once. Instead of making me burst into tears, I bared my teeth at him and snarled, "How about fuck you, asshole, fuck the horse you rode in on, and most especially, you take my 'hysterical behavior' and fuck right on off with it!"
Salazar sputtered in shocked outrage as I jerked my arm free of his loosened hold. A strangled noise came from Lady Delagio's direction, but I didn't even bother to spare her a glance as I whirled around and stomped off, pretending not to hear the sound of snarled Spanish behind me.
"Motherfucking Spaniards," I spat, my voice cracking as I choked on a furious sob, not caring where I was going, barely managing to dodge around people as I went.
Anger heated the hollowness in my chest, even as tears slid down my cheeks in embarrassment and rage. The pain made my breath hiccup in my throat as I tried to keep from full-on crying, knowing I was drastically losing the war.
Was this how he'd felt when I accused him of being a pirate? When I idiotically said those words I'd regretted as soon as they came out of my mouth?
Somehow I doubted it was on par with this, but I had to reluctantly admit it certainly gave credence to his outburst afterwards.
And even if I got in trouble for my unladylike behavior…
Unless I got thrown into an asylum, I really couldn't feel worse than I did now.
My heart felt like it was shattering all over again, after it had carefully managed to start reassembling itself, yet this time, it was falling apart into a fine powder.
"Señorita," a familiar voice said softly, a looming shape falling into step next to me.
I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut, wanting nothing more than to be alone. I didn't want Ramirez to see me cry, I didn't want him to hear the howl of pain and misery clawing its way up my chest.
"Señorita, por favor." A gentle hand clasped my elbow, pulling me to a stop.
I wanted to slap his hand away, to wrench myself free, to run away…but I just stood there, breath coming in hiccups as I struggled to keep the tears from overflowing, to keep from screaming out the agonized sobs choked in my throat.
"Here." Ramirez lifted my chin with one finger, then brushed a soft handkerchief over my cheeks, wiping away the traces of the few tears that had escaped.
I closed my eyes and let him. I couldn't…couldn't fight, couldn't struggle. If I did, I would fall completely apart.
"There. All better. ¿Sí?"
A choked scoff almost escaped before I reined it in, instead turning into a watery snort. I shouldn't scoff, it wouldn't be ladylike.
"Señorita, would you like to return to the hotel?" Ramirez asked gently, kindly not mentioning my less than emotionally stable appearance.
The thought appealed for a brief second, then I remembered last night and quickly shook my head. I just wanted to be alone, without anything to remind me of everything, but that wasn't an option. My next best bet was to retreat to someplace most comforting, most familiar.
Opening my eyes, I was just about to tell him that I'd like to go back to la María, then snapped my mouth shut with a sharp click when I caught sight of the man stalking towards us.
My teeth clenched together at the sight of Salazar's dark expression, which grew even fiercer when Ramirez turned around, stiffening as he saw the other man's face and subtly shifting to stand in front of me.
I wanted to tell him it wouldn't matter. Salazar would simply go through him if he deemed the officer as an obstacle.
"Teniente Ramirez," Salazar rumbled in a voice like rocks grinding together, "Estás despedido."
The tear tracks were cold on my cheeks as I quickly took in the two men and the quickly escalating situation.
Ramirez had become ramrod straight, and I recognized the last word of Salazar's order as 'dismissed'.
This could get ugly so fast. I'd never heard such rage as what was contained in Salazar's voice at that moment, except when I'd told him he was no better than a pirate, and I was almost scared of what might happen if Ramirez refused. I might could get away with my behavior, but Ramirez…
And from the look on his face, I was worried that he was seriously contemplating it. It was disconcerting standing next to these two dangerous men, standing toe to toe, ready to lunge at each other at a single twitch.
I'd never known tension could be so thick.
Lightly, I touched Ramirez's back and swallowed thickly before speaking softly. "I'll be fine, Ramirez. Go ahead."
Glancing at me over his shoulder, his eyes flickered over my face with some unreadable emotion, before he turned back to Salazar, nodding respectively before moving out of the older man's path.
Though not before leaning down to murmur, "I'll be close by if you need me, señorita."
I saw Salazar hackles immediately rise at Ramirez's not so quiet whisper, and the subsequent look he gave at the capitán, and I wondered if he wasn't intending to live long as he kept vexing the obviously irate Spaniard further, though I appreciated his offer.
But Salazar caught sight of my sneer of bitter resentment, and his attention was quickly diverted to his original focus.
Me.
His jaw rippled as he ground his teeth, not bothering to acknowledge Ramirez as he left to hover nearby, simply stared at me with a hard light in his eyes.
He was quite obviously upset, and it made my own fury start to boil at the man's display of emotion, made even more molten when I felt a slight breeze skate over the sticky tracks of my tears. He had no right to be furious after what he said. No right.
And I was at my end of tolerating everything.
"What do you want." My tone was icy and cutting, my words borderline rude, but I didn't care. I glared back at the man towering over me, daring him to so much as touch me.
Salazar visibly wrestled with his own temper, before he finally blew out a harsh breath, running his hand over his hair. "I must...apologize."
"You fucking think?" I shot back sarcastically.
Salazar stiffened, then visibly forced himself to relax slightly before he continued.
"I…" He stopped suddenly and let out a deep sigh, slumping a little, weariness lining his face. "I offer my apologies for my unfortunate choice of words."
"Not accepted," I bit out. "You can shove your absolutely shit apology where the sun doesn't shine."
He paused, his countenance morphing to one of confusion. "Where the...sun doesn't…shine?"
"What society is too polite to say, up your fucking ass!" I all but shouted, no longer interested in playing nice. If this was what I had to look forward to with delicately placing my heart under his boot, I wanted nothing to do with it. "And if you need some help, I'll be more than glad to stick one of those shiny fucking boots up there too! Not quite as much fun when you can't understand someone, is it?!"
"Isabeau, lower your voice," he warned, casting another quick glance around. "This conduct is unbecoming, and if someone were to see-"
"Unbecoming! Unbecoming! I'd say it's perfectly becoming of a harlot, wouldn't you say? And if I'm not lady-like enough for your tastes, why don't you go back to fucking Lady Delagio, hm? You're such a power couple already," I spat with no small amount of self-loathing coated with a vicious enjoyment at seeing him wince when I repeated his word for my dress. And my jealousy was audible too, but what would he care? "And if someone were to see, I don't think I really fucking give a horse's ass at this point!"
"After all your fears you told me, I do not believe you mean that," he said smoothly, trying admirably to keep the calm, in an odd turn of the tables.
I sneered spitefully, but couldn't argue against the point when we both knew he was right.
"And I am not...sleeping with Saphira, wherever did you hear that?"
I rolled my eyes so far back in my skull, I swore I saw my past self from twenty years ago. "Despite my reliance on prescription lenses in my previous life, I'm not blind, Salazar. Anyone with a single working eye can see the history between you two. For Christ's sake, the sexual tension is enough to cut with a goddamn knife. And as you slunk off with her in the middle of last night, it's really not that hard to put two and two together. I didn't get tossed backwards through time yesterday, despite the implication, thanks."
My vernacular was all over the place, and I took a perverse sense of pleasure from seeing him have to sort through it word by word until he understood the gist. How did he like it when someone else essentially spoke in another language for a change?
The emotions flashing over his face would've been fascinating in any other aspect, but I was almost impressed when he settled to a strained patience.
"There are many things to...address, in that colorful outburst, but firstly, I did not bed the señora," His voice was firm, but barely above a quiet murmur, as if he didn't want to admit to it.
"Well, that's a fat fucking lie," I snarled, calling him out on the blatant bullshit. "Where's your propensity for truthfulness now, Capitán."
"I do not appreciate that kind of language," he said sharply, eyes darkening in warning. "You are treading dangerously close to the last insult you flung at me, which I am just starting to forgive."
"Really? Really? You want to go there, after what you just said about me in the shop?!" I let out a wry, bitter laugh. "That's such bullshit, I'm surprised you don't choke on it."
Armando let out a sharp sigh, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose, seeming to struggle for control or the right words, I didn't know, and didn't care. "I apologize, again, for that. I should not have...it has not been…easy, restraining myself from giving into impulses that I have never had a concern for before. I remind myself that you are only here for a short period, and are not to be, what is the English term...dallied with?"
My face exploded into a blush at his implications and the fact that I was so affected by just a comment only made me more angry. "Alright then, if I'm not to be 'dallied with', then just what exactly are your intentions then, huh? Between you kissing me, the fucking rose- well, I guess it's not exactly much in lieu of everything, is it?"
My voice trailed off as I had a moment of horrible realization.
Outrage evaporated into something much colder, much more shattering.
He really hasn't done much. Just a few gestures of affection. A single kiss. One rose. And here I am, completely wrapped around his little finger like a desperate...harlot.
Armando grew visibly alarmed at my sudden silence. And likely my suddenly white face. "Isabeau? What outlandish thought is racing through your mind?" "It's not much, is it…" I whispered out loud, looking at him with what felt like new eyes at this horrific epiphany.
Translations: (Courtesy of thsoawc)
Sei veramente uno stronzo! - You're such an ass! (Italian)
¡Vuelve a tienda! - Go back to the store!
¡Hazlo ya! - Do it now!
For those of you impatient with the ups and downs of all the emotional angst, this is the last big drop on the coaster tracks before we level out to a steady road to the end. So hold tight to the handle bars, we got one more to go!
