Hey, everyone! Welcome to Chapter 3!
Mallory instinctively moved in front of the children to protect them. Stan hung back and Ford put a protective arm in between Mallory and the characters. Probabilitor let out a cackle.
"Mortals of Dimension 46'\!" he shrieked. "Kneel before me and snivel! I am Probabilitor, greatest wizard in all Math-ology!"
"Uh, is this normal?" mumbled Stan. Dipper stepped forward around Mallory.
"Are you here to send us on the quest of a lifetime? Because we're the smartest players you've ever seen?" he asked, gesturing between himself and Ford.
"You are the smartest," answered the wizard with a mean grin. "That's why I'm going to eat your brains to gain your intelligence!"
"What?!" Mallory exclaimed. "You can't do that!"
"It'S hIs tHinG!" replied the troll-like creature. Then, Ford stepped fully in front of Mallory and pulled a ray gun from the folds of his cloak.
"Your math is no match for my gun you idiot!" (best quote ever) he yelled. Just as he fired the gun, Probabilitor shot back with a beam of magic that blasted the entryway of the shack to smithereens. Everyone ducked for cover.
"I'm not here to play games!" said Probabilitor. He snapped his fingers for the henchmen to grab Ford and Dipper. Within a moment, they had disappeared into the woods.
"Oh no!" cried Mabel. "That crazy guy is gonna eat their brains!"
"Stan, we have to do something!" Mallory pleaded, grabbing her camera from where it fell. "Besides this could be ratings gold for me!" Boy, did she ever think she sounded like Alan there for a second.
"Ehhh, maybe we let 'em get a couple o' bites in Ford's brain first."
"Stan!" said Mabel and Mallory simultaneously, crossing their arms and looking at him disapprovingly. Eventually Stan sighed dejectedly.
"Alright," he caved. "I guess if we have no other choice we'll go on an 'epic wizard quest'." Mabel and Grenda cheered. "Now everyone, grab a weapon."
"What did I miss?" came a yawning voice. Everyone's head turned to the other end of the living room. It was Robyn. Apparently, she had taken a nap upstairs and had completely missed all the chaos.
"Robyn!" said Mallory. "We need you to stay here and watch the Shack." With that, she grabbed an axe that was behind the chair and ran out the door with the others. "Just in case they come back!"
"Mallory, wait!" Robyn yelled, but they were already out of earshot. "I hope you know what you're doing."
"We're coming for you Dipper!" shouted Mabel as they ran. "And great-uncle Ford! And possibly that hot elf…if he's got anything to do with this!"
"Just like a twelve-year-old," Mallory smiled. They ventured in the woods for what seemed like hours. Mallory swore she could hear minstrel music in the trees.
"We must be getting close," Stan said as he smacked his shoulder. "These fairy bites are getting more frequent." Close they were indeed. At that moment, Probabilitor's troll henchman leapt out from between the trees.
"HalT!" it growled. "YOn iNteRlopErs arE trEspAssiNg uPon tHe aNcIenT foReSt of ProBabIlitOr The wiZaRd!" Mallory and the others looked at each other. "If Ye wIsh to PaSs," it continued. "Ye mUst coMplete sEveN uNwOrlDly queEtS: eAch moRe diFfIcUlt tHan thE—"
"NO!" yelled Grenda. She flung the chair she picked as her weapon right at the troll's head, knocking it out.
"Is he dead?" asked Mabel innocently. Mallory went to check.
"No, he's just unconscious," she said. "But we better hurry before he wakes up."
"Good idea," agreed Stan. "And before any cope show up." Then, the four of them continued on in the forest. After a few minutes, Mallory stopped short.
"Wait guys, listen!" she whispered. The others stopped and put their hands to their ears. Probabilitor's cackle rang from a nearby clearing. "Get down!" she whispered again, pulling them behind some bushes. From there, they could see the wizard and his cronies standing around a tied-to-a-tree Ford and Dipper. Even when he was about to have his brain eaten, Mallory still couldn't keep her eyes off Ford.
"Yes," he laughed. "With each new brain I eat, I increase my enchan-telligence!"
"If my hands were free, I'd break every part of your face!" Ford threatened. Why did that make Mallory blush for some reason? She shook her head to focus and clear her mind.
"It is time!" said Probabilitor gleefully. "Hot-Elf, ready the brain cooking pot!" His elf henchman sighed with boredom but obeyed and lit a fire underneath a huge cauldron.
"Oh no, what do we do?!" Dipper squealed.
"Stop thinking, Dipper!" exclaimed Ford. "The wrinklier your brain gets, the more he'll want to eat it!"
"We have to do something!" Mabel whispered from their hiding place.
"But what?" asked Stan. Mallory began to think of a solution.
"Now a little equation," continued the wizard. "When I subtract your brain from your skull, add salt, and divide your family…what's the remainder?"
"Your butt!" Mabel yelled spontaneously, then clasped her hands over her mouth.
"What?" said Probabilitor turning around. "My butt isn't part of this particular equation!"
"Now!" Mallory yelled. Her, the girls, and Stan burst into the clearing. For a second, Mallory locked eyes with Ford. He looked relieved to see her them.
"But how did you make it past my one guard?!" shrieked Probabilitor. "Very well. There's only one way you can same your family! You must defeat me in Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons: REAL LIFE EDITION!" he banged his staff on the ground and created a floating game set. Dipper and Ford disappeared from the tree only to reappear in Probabilitor's hand, dressed as elves. "I choose my characters vs. yours! And to up the stakes even more…" He was staring directly at Mallory. "We'll play for the beauty as well!" He banged his staff again. In the blink of an eye Mallory disappeared from where she was standing only to find herself in the tower that was in the center of the game board. She looked down at herself. She was dressed in a light blue gown with gold trimming, complete with gloves and a tiara. Probabilitor had turned her into Princess Unattainabelle from the game!
"What the hell?" she whispered to herself. "Guys, you have to play!" she yelled at Mabel, Grenda, and Stan. Only Stan and Mabel were listening, however. Granda was busying herself with Hot-Elf.
"Seriously?" Stan called back to her. "Can't we just... I dunno arm wrestle or something?"
"Come on, this game's a lot of fun!" said the wizard.
"Fine," Stan sighed. "Just make with the rules, Big Ugly."
"The game is a Battle Royale," explained Probabilitor. We help our characters by casting spells by roll of the dice. If you win, I go back to my own dimension, but if I win, I eat their brains and the girl comes with me!"
"Hey," began Dipper. "I'm not so sure this is such a good—"
"Deal!" yelled Stan.
"Then let the game begin!" yelled Probabilitor. He began by rolling the die. It was a 13. "Attack!" he yelled. His two troll characters advanced on Ford and Dipper. They ran for their lives.
"Ford, look out!" Mallory yelled. Ford looked behind him just in time to avoid a sword swing from the troll that was chasing him. He looked up at Mallory and flashed her a quick grin. She could do nothing else but watch from her tower, her heart pounding in her chest as she watched her new friends scramble around the board.
"What do we do?!" Stan asked in desperation. "What are our moves?"
"There are no moves!" Dipper yelled back. "You make them up!"
"Wait, really?"
"Yes!" Ford yelled. "I tried to tell you before. This game does involve math, but also risk and imagination!"
"Risk?" said Stan, rubbing his hands together.
"Imagination?" said Mabel, doing the same action as her uncle. "Grunkle Stan," she said. "Make something up! It's just like lying!"
"Just roll the die and cast something!" said Mallory. "Anything!"
"Umm," Stan tried his best to think. "I cast shield of…Shielding!" a magic shield appeared in front of Dipper and Ford just in time to protect them from the troll character's blow.
"Shield of shielding reversal spell!" cast Probabilitor back.
"I cast giggle time bouncy boots!" giggled Mabel. Suddenly, boots with springs attached to them appeared on both Dipper and Ford's feet. They laughed and began to bounce, soaring over the heads of the trolls. "Hot flaming sword!" said Mabel. "Super-hot flaming sword!" Dipper and Ford used their new weapons, slicing the trolls in half. They were vanquished. Not for long, though.
"Drat you!" said Probabilitor. "You'll never outrun my Ogre-nado!" he rolled the dice and cast a fearsome tornado with ogre heads spinning inside of it. "It's exactly what it sounds like!" he cackled. Dipper and Fords swords were flung out of their hands and got stuck in the wall behind them, rendering them useless. They had no choice but to run for it.
"I cast centaur-taur!" Mabel yelled. There appeared a horse with another horse connected upside down where the first one would be. Dipper and Ford hopped on. With Mabel and Stan cheering them on they managed to make it past the gate just in time for the Ogre-nado to hit it and disappear. They all cheered, but then a flying monster grabbed Dipper and Ford. Mallory gasped. It was the Impossi-beast, a character that was universally hated when Mallory was a kid until the creators of the game finally got rid of it.
"Yes, I was saving the worst for last!" laughed Probabilitor.
"I'll think of weapons!" said Mabel.
"No, you don't understand." Ford said. "It's the most powerful monster in the game. It can only be defeated by rolling a perfect 38. But the odds of that are—"
"Hey," said Stan, snatching the die from Mabel. "Long odds are what you want when you're a world class gambler." He let the die go from his hand and let it roll across the board. Time seemed to stop and the dye seemed to move at a snail's pace until it eventually came to rest. On a perfect 38.
"NOOOO!" shrieked Probabilitor.
"Sorry, nerd wizard," said Stan. "All your smarts are no match for dumb luck."
"I cast death muffins!" giggled Mabel. Exploding cupcakes appeared in Dipper and Ford's hands. They threw them down the throat of the monster and were dropped right before it exploded into a thousand more cupcakes. Then, Dipper, Ford and Mallory were all transported out of the game board and were restored to their normal sizes. Mabel gave Dipper a big hug and Probabilitor started to disappear.
"I'm going back to my own realm! Turning into pure math!" he screamed. "What are the odds?!" and with that, he was gone. Mallory had landed several yards away from Dipper and Ford. She shook her groggy head and looked up. Ford was standing above her with a smile and an outstretched hand.
"May I, Princess Unattainabelle?" he asked. Mallory smiled and took his hand. When she rose, she slipped on a loose stone. Throwing her arms around Ford's neck to steady herself, he placed his hands on her waist to keep her upright. They stared into each other's brown eyes for a few moments before—
"That was awesome!" Dipper exclaimed. Ford and Mallory broke apart. "Grunkle Stan, how did you do that?"
"Hey a gambler never reveals his secrets," he responded with a wink.
"That actually was kind of fun," Mabel said. "Sorry for making fun of you, Dipper."
"I'm sorry, too," said Stan to his nephew and twin. "Sure, it might be too nerdy for me. But it's just the right amount of nerdy for you two. And next time you guys want to play together…I won't get in the way."
"Actually, I could maybe use a break from playing for a while." said Dipper. "Say, Mallory…" he continued, suddenly shy. "Do you think I could maybe come with you on your investigations here? You're gonna need someone to show you around." Ford raised his eyebrows at the word 'investigation' but didn't say anything. Mallory stooped down to Dipper's height.
"You know," she said. "I watched you out there. You got chutzpah, kid. I'd love to have you accompany me."
"Yes!" Dipper cheered. He leapt into the air with a fist-pump of triumph.
"Wait, my shoulder-cam!" Mallory said. "It was rolling the whole time!" She searched on the ground for a few moments before finding it in a nearby bush. But when she picked it up however, she saw that it had been crushed. "Oh well," she said, tossing it over her shoulder. "Something tells me that this was the first of many things I'm going to encounter here." She looked at Dipper.
"You could say that again," he replied with a wink. Mallory winked back.
"Guys!" yelled Grenda. "We can still catch the other showing of Ducktective! It's not too late!"
"Well, what are we waiting for?" Mabel said. "To the Mystery Shack!" Her, Dipper, Stan, and Grenda all raced back to the shack, with Ford and Mallory following.
"So, Ford," she said, choosing to be bold. "Does this mean that I can call you Aragolas now?" This time, Ford blushed.
"Was that a King of the Amulets reference?" Mallory didn't answer. Instead, she raced back to the Shack with the others, leaving a still pink-hued Ford in the clearing to ponder just who this strange woman was that had come into his life.
Later that night, everyone was watching the cartoon in the living room. Everyone except Mallory. Robyn had gone back to sleep, tired out after Mallory had explained the whole adventure to her. She almost didn't believe it, until Stan told her the same one (obviously in his own flirtatious way). Mallory was sitting on the porch steps outside with a cup of tea in her hand, gazing up at the stars. It was so rare that she was able to take time away from constantly working other than eating and sleeping. Most of her days consisted of filming, editing, and making appearances. It was nice to have a moment to relax. She heard footsteps behind her.
"Beautiful, isn't it, Ms. Minton?" She turned around to see Ford standing with a cup of tea in his hands as well.
"I've never seen so many stars," she said. Ford took a seat next to her.
"Now, if you look up there," he pointed to a cluster of stars. "You'll see Orion. And over here…" he pointed in another spot. "That's Ursa Major. They're my favorite."
"My favorite is the Leo constellation." Mallory replied, pointing at the constellation of the lion. "It's my star sign."
"Astrology was a subject that I never paid much mind," said Ford. "I believe experiences and choices are what determine our destinies and personalities, not the position of certain stars."
"I have to say I agree," Mallory said. "But it is fun to think about." There followed a few moments of silence before Ford took a sip of his tea and cleared his throat.
"So…" he began. "Dipper mentioned that you were an investigator, Ms. Minton?"
"Yes," confirmed Mallory. "I'm a paranormal investigator and a historian. I have a TV show where I track down urban legends all over the country. I came here because in my research I found a horde of activity denser than anywhere I've ever seen. After looking into the history of Gravity Falls, I couldn't pass this opportunity up." Ford gave a chuckle.
"You sound like a younger version of me," he smiled. "A scientist trying to make a name for myself and fulfill my life's passion."
"A scientist, you say?" Mallory asked. "I envy you. Math and science were not my strong suits in school. My mind works timelines, events, and connections, not calculations."
"I must admit," continued Ford. "It's refreshing seeing someone doing what you do because they love and are fascinated with the paranormal. Not to get famous or to prove they're tough. And to do it on your own without a camera crew is commendable, that's how people know what you discover is real." Mallory cleared her throat, adjusted her glasses, and looked back up at the sky, hoping Ford wouldn't suspect.
"Yup," she said. "Just me…" she trailed off, her and Ford sitting in silence again. Mallory finished the rest of her tea before she yawned, stretched, and stood. "I'm going to turn in," she said. Ford said nothing but kept his eyes on Mallory the entire time. She reached the door and turned around. "Thank you, by the way, Ford," she said. "It's so kind of you, Stan, and the kids to open up your Mystery Shack to Robyn and I."
"Stanley didn't bother to consult with me before allowing you to stay here, but you're welcome, nonetheless. It's always nice to have someone else of an astute mind around here." Mallory blushed and looked her feet. "Oh, and Ms. Minton—" he began. Mallory looked back up at him. He had a stony look on his face and dead seriousness in his eyes. "Do not make the same mistakes I did. There are some things about Gravity Falls that are better left alone and unseen. Beware this unseen." Mallory thought this extremely unsettling but nodded and smiled again and Ford before entering the shack and off to bed.
It was unlike any dream Mallory had ever had before. She was standing in a field of endless golden wheat against a gray sky. Everything around her was broken and had an ashy look to it. Stranger still was that she seemed to be surrounded by things from her past. Run-down versions of her parent's and grandmother's houses, and her father's truck were on one side, a broken silhouette of her high school on the other. Scattered around were musical instruments, books, and sports equipment. She looked further away and saw an outline of the television studio with cameras hanging out of broken windows. But she could feel someone watching her. Something flew behind her, blowing her hair back. She turned around and was faced with a giant eye. She screamed and fell backwards. A cackle pierced the still air. It rattled her bones. Golden bricks surrounded the eye and formed a triangle. The thing grew arms, legs, and a top hat. It continued to laugh and adjust its bowtie.
"Well, well, well," it said. "What do we have here?"
"Who-who are you?" she asked.
"Allow me to introduce myself." The triangle tipped his hat. The ground titled. Mallory barely held her footing. "The name's Bill Cipher. And you're Mallory Minton, the 'ghost hunter'"
"How do you know my name?" she said.
"Oh, I know lots of things." Bill said.
"About me?" she dared to ask.
"Absolutely, Broken Heart!" he said, cheerfully. "I know everything about you: your past, your dreams, your…secrets." He turned red and grew larger.
"Like what?" Mallory challenged, trying to seem unafraid.
"Easy, kid," he said, holds up his hands in surrender. "You don't have to be afraid of me. I'm your friend! And I'm here to help you!"
"By knowing everything about me?" Mallory snapped. "Stalker much?"
"Don't friends know things about friends?" replied Bill.
"Well, what do you know about me, then?" said Mallory crossing her arms.
"That you're keeping what really happens behind the scenes of your little show a secret from ol' Pine Tree. Imagine what would happen if he knew you were faking everything you film!" Bill waved his hand and there was an image of Dipper (think like when Mabel's crushes spawned from the love potion. Yeah, they look like that but less pink), pointing his finger and yelling at an image of Mallory, then turning away from her and running before the image faded into mist. "Or maybe that you're in a competition with this guy!" an image of Alan appeared before her. "And that you get certain feelings when you're around a 'certain someone'!" He waved his hand again and there before Mallory was an image of Ford, smiling at her and extending a hand. She sighed contentedly. He was so handsome.
"Ah-ha!" said Bill, poking her cheek. "I knew it!" Mallory came to her senses and shook her head, remembering Ford's warning.
"So what? This is a dream!" she spat.
"So what?" Bill repeated. "So everything, Broken Heart! And this is all very real." The images all disappeared. "And I know what you really want!" he floated around to Mallory's other side and placed an arm around her. It felt like a warm gesture, but Mallory could sense the slight burning sensation it gave her.
"And that is?" she challenged again.
"You want to be accepted, adored!" Bill conjured up an image of her signing autographs on the red carpet for screaming fans. "You want your work to be recognized by everyone!" Another image of her holding a book and shaking hands with the president appeared. "And most of all…" Bill continued. "You want to be loved…and have a real family!" There appeared an image of her, Stan, Ford, Robyn, the maintenance guy, Soos and the cashier girl Wendy, Dipper, Mabel, and surprisingly her little sister, Morgan (who she hadn't seen for three years) laughing on the steps of the Mystery Shack. When that faded, she saw the most heart wrenching image of all. It was one of her and Ford sitting and lounging against each other on a picnic blanket. Ford had one of his hands on Mallory's swollen stomach, gazing into her eyes. They wore rings and in front of the image of them there were two more: of children. One young girl, about seven, and a five year old boy. This time, however, Bill snapped his fingers and the images began to play themselves. Fake-Ford leaned his head against the image of Mallory. Their moment of bliss was interrupted by the giggling of the fake-girl. She ran up to them and held up a thistle.
"Daddy, look!" she said to Fake-Ford. "I found a thistle! An Onopordum Acanthium!" she struggled to say the scientific name for the plant but got it in the end.
"Well, look at that!" said Fake-Ford proudly. "You know, they say that these flowers grow from footprints left behind by pixies. They leave pixie dust with every step."
"Wow…" said the fake-little girl, her eyes full of wonder. She turned to Fake-Mallory.
"Are pixies real, Mommy?" she asked. The fake Mallory and Ford exchanged a knowing glance.
"Of course, they are, Marie," said Fake-Mallory. "As long as you believe."
"I believe!" said the fake-boy, running over. "I want to catch one and take it home!"
"I'm afraid you can't catch them, Jules," said Mallory. "They're almost as big as you!" She tapped him on the nose.
"They're feisty like your mother," said Fake-Ford, kissing Fake-Mallory on the cheek. "And they mostly come out at night," he added, as he stood, then helped Fake-Mallory to her feet. "When good little boys and girls are supposed to be asleep. Speaking of which, it's time to head home." Both of the children protested, but Fake-Ford scooped up the fake-boy and placed him on his shoulders. "But if you take your baths and eat your vegetables, then we'll stargaze tonight." This time both of the children cheered. Fake-Ford and Fake-Mallory held hands and Fake-Mallory took the hand of the fake-girl. They all walked towards a big, beautiful house in the distance, as a family. Then the image faded. Mallory wiped away the tears that pricked her eyes.
"You see, Broken Heart?" Bill said, floating in front of her. "All this can be your destiny! All you have to do is help me with something I've been working on. You just have to make the deal. It's written in your stars after all." The backdrop changed to solid gray ground against a night sky. He extended his hand to her, surrounded by blue flame. Mallory moved to shake his hand. It was all she ever wanted. But something stopped her. It was Ford's voice saying: "Experiences and choices are what determine our destinies and personalities, not the position of certain stars". She lowered her hand and stepped back.
"Need some more time?" Bill said. "That's fine by me. Think about it though! Just remember I'm always watching!" With a final cackle, he popped out of existence. Mallory woke up on her bed in a cold sweat. She sat up and saw Robyn sleeping soundly on the laid-out couch. Catching her breath and stilling her pounding heart she laid back down and stared at the full moon shining through the window.
"Should I take Bill's deal?"
