Chapter Seven: Blame: Pass it Around

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Leo flowed through his katas with fluidity and grace. His face was a mask of serenity, though deep down, in his heart, he was breaking.

Donnie had been missing for 2 weeks.

Two long, arduous, pain filled weeks.

For the first couple days of since Donnie's capture, the brothers had been relentless in their quest to find Donnie. But no amount of computer skills could detect what was meant to be hidden.

Most of Mikey's time was spent at the main computer bank, staring at the screens, ears pricked up, listening in on various communication satellites, blue eyes scanning the numerous screens in search of a signal that would lead to Donnie.

He was a turtle on a mission. A mission to find the missing geek and bring him home. And he was determined to do so, no matter the cost.

In fact, Mikey rarely left the computer terminals. When he slept, which was rare even before Donnie's capture, his dreams were fitful. Having very little rest, he'd return to his self proclaimed station and resume his task, shell drooping, eyes hollowed, mouth drawn to a thin line.

It tore Leo up to see his baby brother so burdened.

Mikey didn't deserve to take on such responsibility.

That was Leo's job. But Leo was loathe to admit it, Mikey possessed better computer skills and was better suited for monitoring the airwaves for signs of Donnie.

April and Casey were also on the lookout, checking on contacts and searching for any signs of a giant turtle being captured… or found dissected.

That last thought haunted Leo the most.

His own rest was often interrupted by images of Donnie crying out for help as he was systematically taken apart. It was such a dream that awoke Leo early that morning, sending him, as always, to the dojo to work out his fear and aggression.

Not that it was working anymore.

Leo had become increasingly hostile and aloof, especially toward his family. He knew they loved and cared for him, but try as he might, he was unable to shake the feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness.

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't protect the ones he loved.

He failed! At everything!

His katanas sliced through the air in a deadly arc, silent on their intent, exactly as a ninja should be. Light glinted from the razor's edge, winking with mocking delight as Leo continued. He had practiced the kata so many times it was as natural as breathing, requiring no thought or hesitation. A gentle, vicious blow that flowed easily into the next set of strikes.

On and on he moved, ducking, twisting, thrusting, sweeping his blades faster and faster until they breathed on their own, their breath rising and falling as they twirled. Close, then distant, then recoil to protect the body, Leo danced with death.

He wished there was an opponent to take his anger out on, but Master Splinter would disapprove of using his skills for such dangerous endeavors.

Ninjas protect the weak and fight for justice with honor and dignity. They don't go picking fights merely to hurt someone for the sake of causing pain or death.

But oh, how Leo wished he could.

If only once.

Surely such freedom would help exorcise the demons haunting his every waking moment? If only to give in to the mindless, blank aggression and let his anger and hatred be released from the cage where he had sealed them.

Katanas sighing their last breath, Leo ended his routine. Sweat beaded down his face and along his neck and plastron, soaking his waistband. His mask was darkened, the material clinging to his scales as a second skin. His shell rose and fell rapidly as he panted, returning to the harsh reality of the dojo.

Once again his emotions were reigned in, tucked away inside a box to be hidden under a cloak of shame and self loathing.

Inhaling deeply, Leo whirled, slipping his blades into their sheaths on his back. Putting on his ever present air of authority, Leo gave a respectful bow to the phantoms that parried with him the past four hours. He rose, finally acknowledging his visitor.

"What do you want, Raph?"

Raph disengaged from the shadows to join Leo in the middle of the room. His green eyes swept over Leo's sweaty form for a moment before speaking.

"Still fighting your monsters alone?"

Leo blinked, taken aback by such a question from the normally cantankerous turtle.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Leo turned to leave but Raph's hand shot out, catching his shoulder and spinning him around.

"Look, Leo, I know you think this is your fault, but it's not," Raph said, releasing Leo from his grip. Leo's eyes narrowed but he didn't retort. Raph usually didn't admit to shortcomings, but he felt this time, it was necessary. "Losing Donnie wasn't your fault. It was mine."

Leo's expression morphed into shock. "How was it your fault?"

Raph looked away, unable to face Leo's reaction. "It was my job to get you guys out of there. To protect you. I should have made sure the little dork was safe before retreating."

Leo sighed, closing his eyes and feeling the weariness of the world weigh on his shell.

"It wasn't your job, Raph. It was mine. I am the one who failed."

Raph snorted. "Yours? Your job is to lead. Plot and plan and make sure we keep our shells intact. It's my job to protect you guys. To watch your shells and make sure you survive." He flexed his powerful muscles, rippling them under green, scaly skin. He pointed to his huge bicep. "I'm the muscle! Remember? If you can't rely on me to use this to protect you, what use am I?"

Leo rubbed his hand over his sweaty face. "Yes, you're strong, but it's my job to look out for you, as your rash and hasty actions could get you killed."

Raph puffed his shell, rolling his shoulders and neck in an act of defiance. "I'm big enough to take care of myself, Leo. I'm the biggest and the meanest. It's my duty to protect my little brothers."

Leo arched a brow ridge incredulously. "You are joking, right?"

Raph maintained his posture, staring down Leo, though there was only an inch difference in their height.

"I mean it, Leo. It's my job to keep you guys safe. Losing Donnie? That's on me. I wasn't paying attention. I'm the one who failed. If he dies, it's all my fault!"

"You stepped up and made sure Mikey and I got to safety," Leo said, pain flaring in his chest with the thought of Donnie's death. "You didn't leave Donnie behind on purpose."

"Well, there's a reason why you're the boss," Raph admitted grudgingly. He offered his customary sneer, but it lacked the vehemence normally behind it. "You would have made sure Donnie was with us before retreating. You wouldn't have left him behind."

"I did," Leo muttered, face drawn grey with grief. "Donnie's capture is on me."

"You were knocked out," Raph snapped. "Can't save anyone while flat on your shell!"

Though Raph's words were meant to ease Leo's misgivings, they had the opposite effect. Leo's expression grew darker. Raph's large hands clasped Leo's shoulders, giving him a little shake. He waited until Leo met his gaze before speaking.

"It wasn't your fault. Those ninja were invisible. Even you aren't capable of fighting an invisible enemy. I don't care how much you train."

"I should have been able to protect my family," Leo muttered, clearly not moved by Raph's words of wisdom.

It seemed Leo wasn't the only one suffering from survivor's guilt. Raph also bore the weight of failure and shame.

"I swear, Leo, you're the poster turtle for self doubt," Raph scoffed, rolling his eyes and smacking his thick headed brother upside the head. Leo stumbled, hissing at the slight, but Raph wasn't perturbed. "You did your best, bro. You were out cold. Mikey was badly injured. I barely got both of you out alive. Stop blaming yourself for something that was beyond your control. You may be the best at everything you do, but even you aren't infallible. You can be injured or killed like the rest of us."

"Perhaps you should stop blaming yourself as well?" Leo shot back, half serious.

Raph drew up at the slap of logic. After a moment he huffed, his shell lowering in defeat.

"Aren't we a sorrowful pair?" Raph quipped.

"The best we can do is vigilant and prepare, training our minds and bodies to prevent something like this from happening again."

"I used to find your crowing about vigilance to be a pain in the shell, but you know," Raph said, rubbing the back of his neck, "if I had been a better leader, I could have stopped them from taking Donnie."

Leo placed his hands on Raph's broad shoulders and gave them an affectionate squeeze. "Given the circumstances, you did the best you could. You got Mikey and me to safety. You went back for Donnie. You did nothing wrong. I don't blame you for Donnie being taken."

Raph leaned forward, bumping his forehead into Leo's, as he used to when they were kids. "We'll get him back, right?"

"Absolutely," Leo muttered. He made sure his voice was low as to not be overheard by rodent ears. Master Splinter would not approve of the brothers' bloodthirsty nature. "And we will make them pay for hurting our brother."

Raph visibly perked up at the thought of causing some damage and getting retribution on those who dared take their nerdy, lanky, little brother. An idea struck Raph out of the blue.

"Do you think one of Eric Sacks' lackeys got Donnie and took him back to the estate?"

Leo paused, mouth hanging open. He hadn't considered that. There was a good chance the Foot would return to their old stomping ground. If they were starting their chatter again, having had their transmission detected in the first place, then there was a good probability they would keep to familiar patterns.

Leo headed out the door without warning, Raph tagging along.

"Master Splinter," Leo called to his father who was lounging on the couch, half asleep with a reality tv show playing. Leo settled in front of Splinter, who had perked up and regarded his son with keen beady eyes. "Raph and I are going to Eric Sacks estate."

Mikey ambled over from the computer bank that usually ensconced Donnie. His arm was still in a sling, nearly healed from being snapped in two. Another week and he would be able to resume training to rebuild his strength.

"Why, may I ask?"

"Donnie was taken by the Foot. The Foot worked for Shredder and Eric Sacks. Maybe that's where they took Donnie? Familiar ground and all. Nice, quiet, out of the way place to do experiments. With their resources, they can replace the equipment we took and start their experimenting again."

"Might have upgraded to include a signal dampening field," Raph said thoughtfully. "That's why we can't find Donnie's signal. It's shielded."

"Dunno, dudes,' Mikey interjected, settling down on the arm of a chair. His shell rocked as he balanced himself. "Donnie has the trackers attuned to a specific frequency. One not common with normal distress bands. Can easily penetrate basic dampening fields because it's not a normal channel."

Splinter stroked his whiskers in thought. Finally he spoke.

"I believe it would be prudent to examine all avenues. If Donatello isn't there, perhaps we may find a clue to his location."

"I'll get my chucks!" Mikey called, getting up to go find his ever elusive weapons.

"Michelangelo! You will remain here," Splinter said, standing up and stretching. "I'll go with your brothers to provide backup."

Raph shot a glance to Leo. They loved their father, but he was notorious for backseat driving. Leo gave a suppressed sigh of exasperation in return. It was going to be a long trip.

The trip to upstate New York was as perilous for the turtles as going into battle against the Foot. Their father kept a running commentary on Leo's driving and made sure to point out any infraction, no matter the slight. Raph rode in the back of the moving van, the brothers having chosen it as a disguise in case they found the estate crawling with Foot.

Hopefully if they saw a moving van approach, they'd assume it was delivering more equipment, and not a van full of whoop ass.

Though it was the first week of March, the days were intermittent with snow and sun. Thankfully this particular day was greeted with burgeoning spring sunlight. The snow from a few days previous had melted off. As the turtles drove up to the front gate of Sacks' estate, they noted the lack of snow banks to indicate the driveway had been cleared for traffic.

Leo bypassed the front gate and drove to the back where the gate was still hanging limply on its hinges from their escape in the semi. Eyes in constant motion, Leo surveyed the courtyard for any signs of habitation. As the last time the turtles visited, to rummage through equipment and destroy data relating to them or mutagen, the place was deserted.

Disembarking, Leo and Raph watched the security camera mounted above the door. It remained motionless, lifeless. No pulse of electronic life. The wire was still severed from the first time they infiltrated. It appeared no one bothered to fix the broken equipment.

The door opened without Raph jimmying the lock with his sai. It swung inward with a pitiful moan, allowing turtles and rat to see into the darkness beyond. The smell of musty disuse filtered through their nostrils. There was no trace of recent human visitation.

"Bad asses first," Raph growled, lumbering through the doorway.

"Exercise caution," Splinter warned as Raph took a left down a hall and disappeared from view.

Leo and Splinter wandered the hollow halls and empty rooms. There were smashed vases and plates, broken picture frames and slashed furniture from the last time the turtles visited. To further give the aspect of vandals, Mikey's crude graffiti was splashed along the walls, offering gang symbols, crude language, and the occasional perverted silhouette. He had done a fantastic job with creating a dismal den for brainless gangsters.

Splinter paused at a particularly vulgar expression, coupled with a diagram with prominent anatomy and shook his head.

"Remind me to have words with your brother,' he muttered to Leo as Leo snorted in disdain.

Splinter's nose twitched, examining the rooms more acutely than his eyes, which shone black and tiny in the fading light filtering through grimy windows.

"Place appears deserted," Leo whispered, escorting his father down a set of winding stone steps into the underground lab where he and his brothers were held. And where Donnie had pilfered the majority of lab equipment.

The spacious place was devoid of life.

Leo's shell drooped in defeat. He was sure Donnie would be here. Once again his decision was flawed. His leadership proven inadequate. Could he do nothing right? Was he doomed to this constant life of failure?

"There is no trace of your brother or of humans," Splinter said after sniffing around the glass enclosures.

Leo's mouth formed a thin line.

"This way," he said, leading his father to the opposite side of the room. They took the stairs in silence, finding the coldness of the stone estate as welcoming as a mausoleum.

The white slabs of marble with grey veins added to the ambiance of a tomb. For a fleeting thought, Leo wondered what it cost to heat such a place, then mentally laughed at such an absurd thought in the middle of a dangerous situation.

Raph bled out of the shadows ahead, sais whirling back into their sheaths at his sides.

"Nothing upstairs or round front," Raph reported. "Quiet as a tomb."

Leo suppressed a shiver.

"Any computers or toys to take back to the lair?" Raph asked.

"No. We cleaned the place out last time we were here," Leo replied, feeling as if he was slamming his head into a brick wall.

He was positive they'd find a lead out here at the old base, but all they found was solitude and dust. Donnie had been thorough in dissecting the place when they purged the computers and confiscated the equipment from the lab. Given the state of the abandoned house, it was as empty as Leo felt.

"The more locations we eliminate, the closer we come to finding where they took your brother,' Splinter put in sagely. He recognized the emotions flitting across Leo's face.

Raph and Leo fell into step, following their father out of the door, where Leo closed it behind them, and returned to the moving van. Raph's face was drawn, betraying his thoughts.

"We'll find him," Leo promised Raph.

"But in how many pieces?" Raph added lowly.

Leo's eyes darkened in sorrow. The longer it took to locate Donnie, the lower his chances of survival.

Splinter got into the passenger seat and made himself comfortable. "We will find your brother. I have faith he will find a way to escape from whatever prison they are keeping him. He's smart, and well trained as any of my sons. He will return to us."

"Including Mikey?" Leo asked, trying to break the tension.

Splinter paused for a moment, contemplating Leo, then offered a nod. "Yes. Even Michelangelo. He may enjoy frivolity, but he is a trained fighter." Splinter motioned toward the main road. "Now, let us head home to him. And watch the road. Traffic will be terrible and you get to close to cars in front."

"Yes, Master," Leo said dutifully, turning onto the main highway that lead back to Manhattan.

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Nothing worse than a backseat driving rat!

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