SIDE SHOW

Inspiration strikes at odd times and by the weirdest of things. I completely and utterly blame Mystery Science Theater 3000 for the inspiration to this chapter. After you read this, go watch "Mighty Jack" on youtube.

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AN: DO NOT eat or drink anything while reading. You have been warned.

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Sideswipe's face beamed like a thousand suns. His prank was going to work. And this time, it was going to be so epic, both factions would talk about it for years! All he had to do was implant the right code for the right mech and calculate the exact time the joke would be put into effect.

The console beeped, letting the front liner know that his program had been approved and would be uploaded at the appointed time.

Normally the main super computer than ran the Autobot base would never have allowed Sideswipe access, let alone allow him to upload and corrupt files for his own devious schemes. But Sideswipe had thought a way around the security measures put into place to prevent his diabolical interference. After watching countless officers and always being mindful of their hands, he had learned the pass codes used by every mech on base, especially the command staff. All he had to do was find a little used console and begin writing the program.

The console just enacted the subfolder that was added under Optimus Prime's own personal code. When the key sequence asked for verification, Jazz and Prowl's codes found their way into the system, letting the back up console know that the changes were authorized.

With a snicker, Sideswipe left the terminal, a skip to his step and an annoyed sensation filtered back from his twin. Sideswipe entered the quarters he shared with his brother and found a paint splattered golden mech standing at an easel with his back to the door.

"You won't believe what I just did," Sideswipe singsonged, going to his twin and standing behind him, mindful of the spastic moves of the artistic hand.

"Knowing you and your complete lack of intelligence, I'm guessing it was something childish and potentially asinine," Sunstreaker said, not looking away from his project.

"I just added a few codes to Tele-Tran," Sideswipe said, taking a step forward and wrapping his arms around his brother's midsection. He laid his chin on his twin's shoulder, looking at the canvas from the artist's point of view.

Sunstreaker halted his painting and emitted a low, rumbling growl in warning. He hated it when his brother invaded his personal space. He hated anyone getting near him. He only just tolerated Sideswipe as a normal, and very annoying, satellite. And the fragger always waited until he was busy before mech handling him in happiness at a prank well executed.

"Let go of me," Sunstreaker growled, sending a flood of anger over the bond.

Sideswipe instantly released his twin, knowing that while he was in an artistic mood, the slagger had quite the attitude. It wouldn't be the first time Sunstreaker had retaliated against his twin while he was trying to work. Sunstreaker's emotional state was more volatile while he was painting.

"When everyone goes in for a repair and Ratchet hooks them up the medical berths, the program will download," Sideswipe said, hoping to assuage his twins' anger.

"Which means there's a good chance either one of us will end up with the faulty program and you'll crash us," Sunstreaker said, feeling his brother's EM field retreat from his own. "Smart plan you devised there, idiot."

"Actually, it's calculated to ignore us," Sideswipe said, giving his twin a cheeky look that meant he knew he had done something smart. It was a rare occurrence. "But only us."

Sunstreaker offered a snort as comment. He put his brush to canvas and flicked his wrist, adding just the right amount of color to his painting. He stepped back, taking a close scrutiny, before loading up his brush and touching the canvas. His hand slipped when the alarm sounded for enemy incursion. Frowning at the misplaced streak, Sunstreaker growled, slamming down his pallet and following his brother out the door. If Decepticons chose now to attack, Sunstreaker would personally dismantle every one of them.

When the twins raced to the Command Hub, it was to find half the mechs chasing Lazerbeak. With a screech the metal bird spiraled upward, blasting a hole in the volcano's crown and exiting with a mocking chirp.

"What's going on?" Prowl demanded, running into the Command Center.

"Ask Red Alert!" Gears shouted, subspacing his weapon and staring at the hole in the ceiling. He just knew that he'd be the one assigned to fix it.

Before Prowl could inquire any further, Red Alert came thundering into the room, his pedefalls ringing loud and clear in aggravation.

"Someone wasn't doing their job!" Red Alert shouted, turning accusing optics to Tracks and Powerglide. Both look guilty, their optics downcast.

"What is going on?" Prime asked, joining the mechs in the command Hub.

"Because of Tracks and Powerglide and their idiotic argument about aerial maneuvers, they allowed Lazerbeak to infiltrate us!" Red Alert snapped, sparks flying from his helm.

"Calm down, Red Alert," Prowl interjected, placing a hand on the twitchy mech's arm. If he got too excited, he could glitch. "Both will spend the next week in the brig for this oversight."

Red Alert relaxed a margin, his livid glare still fixated on the two guilty parties. "Fine! But I want to add to their punishment."

"What do you have in mind?" Prowl asked, earning a couple of muffled noises of protest. It wasn't common practice for Prowl to add to a mechs sentence.

"They will have to clean every lens on base and assist me in finding out our vulnerable places so this type of incident doesn't happen again," Red Alert demanded, looking away from the two and staring at Prowl in anger.

Prowl gave a nod. "That is an acceptable amendment." He turned to the two guilty mechs and nodded toward the hall. "You are confined to the brig for one week and afterwards, Red Alert will have a schedule made for further punishment detail. Dismissed."

Both mechs lowered their helms and marched from the room properly chastised.

"What did Lazerbeak get?" Ironhide asked, going to the main terminal at Tele-Tran and typing in a series of codes. The video footage showed the sneaky bird slipping past a haughty Tracks who couldn't lower his olfactory sensor from the ceiling to observe the Decepti-birdie hiding in the shadows.

"Looks like ol' Beaky went for one of the lesser used terminals," Jazz added, cross checking data and video feeds on the monitor beside of Ironhide. "Terminal delta seven one."

Red Alert joined Jazz and with a frown, he shook his head. "That is one of the inactive consoles."

"Says here it's active," Jazz said, nodding to the log.

"It's was disabled due to it being a redundant station and requiring too much power to operate." Red Alert watched as Jazz manipulated the computer as easily as himself.

"Its active," Jazz repeated, bringing up the consoles logs. Sure enough, it had a stored history of at least six months.

"That's odd," Red Alert frowned, opening the files and reading their contents. "It says here that Prime has been using the consol on a regular basis."

"I haven't used that console," Prime said, joining his officers. "I believed it to be non-operational."

"Says here you reinstated it six months ago," Red Alert read off, recognizing the encryption code unique to Prime.

"Well, at least I know there isn't anything on that station that can be used against us," Red Alert said, making a note to add a camera on the console in question.

"How can you be sure?" Sideswipe asked, knowing there was no way Red Alert could trace him to the usage. Sideswipe was good. Really good. He knew how to cover his tracks and to use someone else's ident-codes.

"I had that consol removed from the main network when it was decommissioned," Red Alert said, giving the red Lamborghini a quick glance before searching the vid feed for Sideswipe's guilty aft. There was a high probability that he had been using the console for his own nefarious scheming.

"Tele-Tran reports no signs of Deception infiltration," Jazz reported, skimming through the logs.

Prime and Prowl nodded, watching the main consol as Jazz brought up the schematics. Sure enough, the console in question had been decommissioned. Its signoff date was the week after they had been reactivated. Due to need to conserve energy, redundancy programs and terminals were rendered inoperable, their connections to the main system severed.

"Tele-Tran is still intact," Red Alert reported. "No sign of downloaded viruses or spyware."

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Sideswipe's wide optics went to his twin, surprise and trepidation flooding their link. Sunstreaker sent a questioning ping to his twin and with a jerk of his head, Sideswipe lead the way out of the commander center. He remained quiet until both were safe inside their quarters and Sideswipe gave his brother an apprehensive look.

"Lazerbeak was in the consol I used to hack the system," Sideswipe admitted, feeling his tanks threatening to purge.

"So what?" Sunstreaker said, going to his easel and grabbing his paints to resume work. "The terminal didn't go anywhere. It wasn't linked to the main systems. No harm done. Red Alert already gave the green light. So there's no chance of it being traced to you. And whatever idiocy you had planned won't come back to bite us in the aftplates."

"Well, about that," Sideswipe trailed off. When Sunstreaker turned in slow motion, optics narrowed in that dangerous way that meant parts would fly, Sideswipe added, "I didn't know about Red severing the link, so when I hacked into the system, I used Prime, Prowl, and Jazz's codes to do the overrides."

"You did what?" Sunstreaker asked in a low, threatening voice. He put down his paints and turned fully to his brother.

"I was hoping to use the back door and get into the medical berths. In order to change coding, I had to use the officer overrides," Sideswipe explained, feeling both threatened from his brother and scared of what his indiscretion could be uncovered because of Lazerbeak.

"You need to tell Prime," Sunstreaker said, jerking his head toward the door. "NOW!"

"I can't!" Sideswipe cried, starting to pace. "If they knew that I know their codes, then they'll change them and be careful when I'm around and I wont be able to know the codes and if I need them, then I wont have them and…."

Sideswipe's rambling was stopped when he turned and ran headfirst into his brother, who had moved without sound to block his path.

"You're idiocy could cost the base its security and not only get our comrades killed, but us as well," Sunstreaker said his voice stern and commanding. "Go to Prime. Tell him that you used the codes, so he, Jazz, and Prowl can change their codes and secure this base once again." When Sideswipe opened his mouth, Sunstreaker's fist connected with his jaw, sending him reeling, "Enough of your pranks! You're going to get us killed! Now, go tell them what you did, take your punishment and pray to Primus that Lazerbeak doesn't use those codes against us."

Sideswipe had no choice but to obey. With Sunstreaker's firm grip on his arm, he was marched out of their quarters and right to Prime's office, where Prowl was already presenting a report. Both officers looked shocked at the sudden intrusion, but with Sunstreaker's shining vehemence, Sideswipe admitted to his misdeed. When he was finished, Sunstreaker offered him a shove toward the now stunned officers and left, returning to his awaiting easel.

"How long have you known my code?" Prowl asked, the shock wearing off.

"Umm… since about two breams after I meet you," Sideswipe admitted.

Prowl looked taken aback for a few seconds before he asked, "What exactly did you use that terminal for?"

"I was setting up a prank,' Sideswipe admitted. He already knew he was going to be serving a long sentence. It was good to come clean with the whole scheme lest the command element learn about the added 'bonuses' and see fit to punish him again. Sunstreaker was right. Lazerbeak could take the codes to Megatron and the whole base could be wiped out. All because he wanted a good joke.

"The codes will be changed immediately," Prime said, looking to Prowl. "Double security as precaution."

Prowl nodded, "I have already assigned Sideswipe to the extra shifts."

"Oh man," Sideswipe sighed. He hated guard duty. It was boring.

"What else did you put on that console?" Prime asked, knowing Sideswipe the way he did, there was a good chance that other things had been placed in the console as well.

"I was hoping to put a little program in the main consoles that would add little… 'glitches'… to anyone who charged," Sideswipe didn't elaborate on the med bay aspect. He was already in deep trouble. Admitting to tampering with potential life saving equipment was sure to get him sent to the smelters. Prime was forgiving, but if his soldiers were in danger from a stupid prank, he'd end the prankster with his bare servos.

"You wrote a code?" Prowl asked hoping to understand what Sideswipe was trying to say without giving away all of his true intentions.

"Just a program to make everyone act funny after they charged," Sideswipe said, looking to the floor. "It wasn't going to hurt anyone and the effects would wear off in a day or so."

"And what if the Decepticons attacked during the time that we would be incapacitated due to your mischievous intentions?" Prowl asked, his doorwings hiking high in aggravation.

"I didn't think," Sideswipe admitted. It was true. He didn't calculate on what would happen if there had been an attack while the crew was enacting their roles from the programming glitch.

"Obviously," Prowl gritted.

"You have guard duty to attend," Prowl said in dismissal.

Sideswipe sighed, receiving a databurst of his new schedule. He groaned, realizing he had two hours of downtime between charging, guard duty, and refueling. No days were scheduled off in a two week time period. He took up position in front of the ARK, his weapon held at the ready. If the Decepticons attacked, then he'd be ready. How dare they use his hard stolen codes to use against the Autobots. Those codes were for Sideswipe's devilish schemes.

The Decepticons didn't attack that day or night. The next morning however, Prime received an incoming transmission from Nemesis. Taking a deep inhale, he steeled himself up for whatever cruelty Megatron had to throw at him.

It wasn't uncommon for Megatron to threaten and taunt the Autobots, or insult Prime and his values. And the Autobots had witnessed the vile mech in his war room and sitting on his grand throne many times. What they had never seen before was Megatron wearing what could only be described as a black and white 'coat.' The striping of some earthen animal, zebra or white tiger, was adorning Megatron's shoulders like a ceremonial cloak. To say it was strange was an understatement.

"Greetings, Mr. Prime," Megatron said, leaning back on his throne in relaxed nonchalance. Ravage was clutched under his left arm, the small cassette looking very miffed. "It is an honor you would grace us with your presence."

"O…kay," Prime muttered so only the surrounding mechs could hear him. He squared his shoulders and addressed the warlord on the screen. "What do you want, Megatron?"

"I wished to extend to you a small courtesy before I terminate you," Megatron said, his right hand crossing over to stroke Ravage. The cat mimic scowled at the treatment but didn't verbalize any protest.

"Why is Megatron dressed like a pimp?" Spike asked, staring at the Decepticon leader clad in animal print.

"Dunno," Bumblebee said, his face blank as he stared at the monitor.

"Thanks for thinking of us," Jazz sneered, knowing Megatron was up to something.

Megatron opened his mouth to speak, but halted, looking down at Ravage with a confused look. He lifted the cyberpanther up and gave him a little shake, as if checking a broken toy.

Ravage offered a tinny, "Meow," in response.

The noise appeased Megatron, who smiled at his pet and tucked him back under his arm before continuing.

"You have evaded capture long enough, Mr. Prime," Megatron said, his gaze focused on his favorite enemy. "Today, you and your friends shall suffer defeat!"

"Sure," Jazz said, barely able to keep his jaw from hanging on the floor. He exchanged a look with Ironhide and mouthed, 'Mr. Prime?', his optics wide and searching. Ironhide offered a half shrug.

It was obvious, Megatron had taken quite the hit to the helm. His hand went back to stroking Ravage along the head and neck, some scratches making an irritating screeching noise. Ravage didn't look happy. Another tinny 'Meow' escaped and it was obvious the panther was frowning in discontent.

"As we speak, my forces are gathering," Megatron continued, his hand idly stroking the temperamental panther. "Soon, all pieces will be in place. And you will tremble in fear before I deal the killing blow."

The twins walked into the Command center just in time to hear Megatron's declaration. Sunstreaker scowled as Sideswipe's step faltered, his optics going to the screen and staring at the strange sight. Sunstreaker halted his step toward the monitors the duo was to watch during their shift, but his gaze traveled along his brother's frame, and followed his line of sight. With a surprised gasp he saw Megatron's ugly face in the view screen.

"What's up with Chrome-Dome?" Sunstreaker asked, noting how Megatron had dressed himself in organic garments and was petting a snarling Ravage.

Sideswipe went to the main console and typed in a code, cutting the transmission. Jazz offered an annoyed growl, his visor glaring at the ruby warrior.

"What the slag was that all about?" Jazz demanded. "Megatron is up to something! You could have just slagged him off and he'll go do something destructive to the humans!"

"Maybe, but I doubt it," Sideswipe said, turning the monitor back on to see Megatron frowning at the screen.

Megatron picked up Ravage and rose from his throne, his steps heavy. Ravage was tucked under his left arm and squirmed in discomfort, not being used to such treatment. Megatron scowled, his servo banging on the vid-screen a couple of times.

Sideswipe looked over his shoulder and muttered, "Pretend to be impressed and agree with whatever he says."

Without waiting for confirmation from Prime, Sideswipe hit the audio button and called, "Sorry about that. Glitch in the system. You know what its like with these older systems."

Megatron looked pleased with the return of audio and visual feed. His hand went back to Ravage and stroked before giving the cyberpanther another jostle. Ravage offered the customary, 'Meow', though instead of it being its normal tinny timbre, it was growling with annoyance.

"You will suffer," Megatron droned on as if nothing had happened. "And just before you terminate, you will see that I alone am the superior ruler."

"Yes, you are," Prime said, playing along like Sideswipe ordered.

Just as Megatron went to speak, a flash of purple filled the screen and Skywarp's aft appeared. Shaking, wiggling, and completely devoid of any armor. The dull pewter of his protoform was discernable before disappearing in another violet flash. Megatron stood, gazing at the screen, as if trying to remember what he was doing.

All of the Autobots in the ARK were staring at the screen too, but in stupefied shock. It was Sideswipe who snapped Megatron out of his daze and into action.

"You will never defeat us," Sideswipe said, shaking his fist at Megatron and a childish display of aggression. "We have a spy in your midst. We will never be bested!"

"We shall see!" Megatron snapped, his optics narrowing as he flexed his body. In the process of showing up his arch nemesis, he forgot about Ravage tucked under his arm. Ravage gave a pained yowl before clawing himself free of Megatron's grip. Megatron look frightened and stunned, glaring at his feline companion.

"Poor kitty!" Megatron called, sounding distraught over harming Ravage. "I didn't mean it. I just got upset. Don't be scared."

Ravage hissed and ran off, much to Megatron's dismay. Megatron turned back to the screen, anger making his face look pinched.

"You will never defeat me!" Megatron yelled before the transmission was cut.

The Command Hub was quiet until Jazz looked to Sideswipe with a questionable look.

"What the slag was that all about?" Jazz asked.

"The joke I was going to play next was a hidden program that would incorporate irregular behavior during a mechs charge. Lazerbeak was hiding in the terminal I used, so he got the programming, and I'm betting he downloaded it into Nemesis' computers," Sideswipe admitted. He was already scheduled for a lot of thought provoking sentry duty. He already had a long dissection of his most recent actions and found them to be lacking the humor he was striving for.

"What exactly was your plan?" Prowl asked, feeling a burning sensation along his battle computer. Statistics, tactics, millions of moving pieces, calculated risks, orders, counter-orders, all he could deal with and suffer no ill side effects. Sideswipe? Well, the mech could bring on a processor ache just by being in the same room. He was also responsible for the more memorable crashes to the tactician's resume.

"I wrote a program that would give mechs different personalities or enhance certain aspects of their programming," Sideswipe said, knowing he was adding the metaphorical nails to his coffin. "I mixed it up from television programs to movies to characters from a book. The idea was to get everyone acting out their favorite character or something that best fit their personality."

"And Megatron was just channeling, whom?" Prime asked, finally pulling his gaze away from the blank screen. The scene was still being processed.

"I think it was something from a spy movie," Sideswipe said, then remembered Ravage's part in the scene. "Actually, I think he was a villain."

"Care to elaborate?" Prowl asked, wanting to scoff and slap the Lamborghini senseless.

"Spy movie. Villains that strokes their pet, and likes to tell the good guy their diabolical scheme right before they initialize it, giving the hero time to escape or foil the plan," Sideswipe offered, then gave Prime a grimace. "As for Skywarp, I don't know why he just showed us his aft."

"He's an idiot," Ratchet said, shaking his head at the lunacy that surrounded him. "He's probably acting out one of those college movies or one of the cheap, poorly scripted young adult centered idiocy that the uneducated flock to in droves."

Sideswipe snickered, knowing Ratchet had a habit of watching the very movies he just bashed. It was like someone condemning masturbation but having an extensive porn collection. Just as the thought crossed Sideswipe's mind, he immediately gasp and started typing a code into Tele-Tran.

"What are you doing?" Prowl snapped, irate with the warrior who seemed to forget all about the talk they had concerning using the terminals and putting hacking skills to use.

Sideswipe's servos flew over the controls with ease and in twenty seconds flat, the screen lit up, showing the interior of the Nemesis.

"How did you do that?" Red Alert asked. He was on his way over to scold Sideswipe about touching the monitors when the unusual video feed lit up, capturing everyone's attention.

"Back door, as the humans call it," Sideswipe said, forgetting that he just used a well hidden trick to hack into the Decepticon's own security systems. There was a good probability that he was going to be having another one of those long, boring talks with Prowl again.

"Is… is that…. Nemesis?" Jazz asked, though it could be no where else.

Megatron was sitting on his throne, but instead of petting Ravage, he held Lazerbeak, who looked just as uncomfortable as his brethren cassette had been in such a position. Soundwave was standing behind the warlord, his servos rubbing and massaging along the black and white stripped shoulders.

"What in the name of Primus is Soundwave doing?" Jazz hissed in a low voice, still staring at the screen.

"You can speak normally. They don't know we're watching," Sideswipe said, then winced when everyone's optics swiveled to him. He knew he should have kept his vocalizer shut.

"You mean, we can watch them and they don't know it?" Red Alert asked, sounded stunned and just a little hurt. Surely he could have been entrusted with such vital information?

"Yeah, found the back door to the Nemesis a few months ago," Sideswipe said, knowing his favorite off-duty activity had just been discovered by the crew. Many a time Sideswipe had sequestered himself so he could watch the goings-on at the Nemesis without outside interference. He had watched as Megatron plotted and planned and stalked about his domain in a foul mood. It was usually Starscream who took the brunt of the punishment. Sideswipe didn't want to admit it, but he did feel sorry for the jet. Many times he had been beaten until offlined by the tyrant. To Sideswipe, it seemed worse than the pits.

"And you didn't care to share this information with the rest of us?" Prowl asked, his lip plates pursing in a line that meant he was a bit miffed.

Prime turned to the ruby mech and added, "Any other little tricks you know that you would like to share with the rest of us?"

"A few," Sideswipe grinned, waggling his brow plating. "But they require a berth and a few props."

Collective groans went through the assembled bots. Someone gasped and Spike literally squalled like an angered cat. Everyone turned to look and found a rather disturbing scene.

"Well, I know where the porn programming went," Sideswipe snorted, then choked.

Starscream sauntered into view, most of his armor removed and tinges of pink dotted along his person. He was licking energon off his fingers, a half consumed cube held in his servo as he watched Megatron through half lidded optics. He dipped his finger back into the energon, tracing the rim of the cube, before bringing the digit to his lips and licking off the pink fluid. When no one paid the crazed jet any attention, he huffed a loud sigh and pranced across the floor, swaying his hips in a suggestive manner. Those watching back at the ARK let out shocked noises, finding the scene to be not only disturbing, but rather arousing. Pink energon tipped the broad white wings, and there were noticeable scratches along the jets back. There was also the telltale silver stain between the jets thighs. While the Autobot crew stood mesmerized, Starscream dipped his finger back into the energon but instead of licking it off, he traced the edges of his cockpit.

Bumblebee had the good sense to grab Spike and exit the room before the young human learned more about the Cybertronian anatomy than what was healthy. Spike protested, clearly interested in what was going on, but Bumblebee was vehement. It was a good thing too, because Starscream chose that moment to reload his finger and trace another pattern. And this time he opted for lower regions.

Like a branch bending to the wind, Starscream began to sway, his fingers tracing along his interface cover. The pink energon outlined the promised land as the jet closed his optics and danced around the room like a stoned wallflower. He swayed and bobbed, his digits sneaking to the edges of his interface cover and teasing the latches with delicate ease.

"Primus," several Autobots breathed, transfixed by the jet and his actions.

"Please tell me you're recording this!" Ironhide snapped at Sideswipe. A lecherous grin was his answer.

Starscream slowed his motion, swaying gently from side to side, his fingers intent on their purpose. With a soft click his interface panel retracted, his servo blocking the view as he explored the revealed circuitry. He gasped in surprise, the cube long forgotten in his other servo.

All Autobots, including Prime, were staring transfixed at the screen. Not only was it hard to believe that someone would perform such an intimate act in front of an audience, but add to the fact that it was Starscream who was melting under his own ministrations and there was just something very erotic about the vile little jet pleasuring himself for all to see. A soft whine escaped Starscream's vocalizer, his servo still blocking the view of the camera.

The whine was answered by several Autobots, before they cleared their vocals and tried to regain control of their senses.

Starscream gasped, lurching forward, his frame starting to shudder. And out of no where, Breakdown came hurtling into view. He knocked Starscream down and stood triumphant, hands on hips, head tilted back and chest puffed.

"Fear not, Milady!" Breakdown yelled. There was a strip of red material hanging from his scruff bar. "I shall save you."

"How can I ever repay you?" Starscream asked in a falsetto voice.

"I don't need payment," Breakdown said, looking at something off camera. "Helping a femme is payment enough."

Starscream had barely regained his pedes when Breakdown frowned in the distance and started toward whatever drew his attention. Apparently Starscream wasn't done with the Stunticon. With a feral growl he launched himself on the Lamborghini. Both tumbled out of the picture, their tussle filling the air waves with bangs, clangs, and screeching grunts. Suddenly it was punctuated with a lustful groan, followed by a gasp of pleasure that was soon drown out by panting, mewling cries.

"Can we sell this back home?" Tracks asked, unable to remove his optics from the screen.

"Might be a way to end the war," Sideswipe gave half a shrug. He was rather immune to the lustful pants, having witnessed such scenes before.

The Autobot's lust filled gazes were snapped when Motormaster stormed into view. Snickers went up at the wad of material wrapped around the lower half of the deadly semi. Prime couldn't stop the choked noise that escaped and took several mental pictures. Next time Motormaster decided to provoke a fight, Prime was going to have good fodder for retaliation. It wasn't every day one got to see their enemy sporting a diaper.

"I want Daddy!" Motormaster yelled, stomping his foot.

"Not now," Megatron said, waving a dismissive hand.

"Now!" Motormaster screamed, tensing his frame and emitted high pitched wails to get the attention he wanted.

Wildrider came into view, wrapping his arms around the distraught semi and glaring at Megatron.

"You don't have to be so distant with your son," Wildrider scolded. "He only wants your attention so you can be proud of him."

"I am," Megatron said automatically. It was obvious he wasn't paying attention to the duo in front of him. His hand was stroking Lazerbeak, and the bird was about to fly the coop.

"Well, I know where the soap opera went," Sideswipe snickered, watching as Wildrider tried to consol a crying Motormaster.

Just then, Ramjet came into view, his hands over his face and sounds of muffled crying could be heard. Thrust and Dirge went to their teammate's side, both trying to wrap their arms around him in consolation.

"Get away from me!" Ramjet shouted, shoving both of his trinemates away.

"We didn't mean it," Dirge said, waving between himself and Thrust. "You don't have to terminate. We'll figure something out."

"Neither of you ever loved me!" Ramjet cried out, tears of coolant streaking his face. "You just wanted to berth me, spark me up, and then leave!"

"No! We would never!" Dirge said, giving Thrust a despairing look. "We don't care who the father is."

"As long as it isn't Chad's," Thrust added, his face contorted in disgust.

Ramjet let out a pitiful wail, his trine mates soothing him with words of consolation and their happiness at the impending parenthood.

"Okay, that is the soap opera," Sideswipe said, looking between the three mechs before Ramjet cried out about wanting to terminate his apparent pregnancy with the other two chasing after him. "Motormaster and Wildrider must have gotten the chick-flick."

Several Autobots exchanged looks. Sideswipe was going to instate this program…. on them? Oh, the implications and the possibilities were frightening!

"We must prepare for an attack," Megatron said, still stroking the irate condor. "Mr. Prime has many devices at his disposal. We must be wise, and outthink our enemy."

"Yes, Megatron," Soundwave said with a soft, feminine lilt.

All Autobots lost the ability to keep their mouths closed. There was the sound of someone's jaw hitting the floor, but it was ignored as every Autobot stared in disbelief.

Soundwave's hands traveled along the Deception leader's shoulders, before trailing over his chest, the cassette-former leaning over to nuzzle along the mech's helm. Soundwave's hands drifted along Megatron's torso, until one disappeared in his lap. Megatron gave a gasping purr, tipping his head back to allow further exploration of his throat. His lip components compressed, followed by a pleasurable cry as his entire body jumped from whatever Soundwave was doing.

Whatever Soundwave was doing frightened Lazerbeak, because with a shattering shriek, the condor broke free of Megatron's grip and skittered across the floor, trying desperately to gain flight. The wings were trembling when the condor finally came to a halt, keeping his back to his master and avoiding further mental scarring.

"Mmm… we… should… mmmm… Prepare for …. An… attack," Megatron managed to say under Soundwave's provocative manipulation. A mewl escaped before he could stop himself and having enough of the foreplay, Megatron grasped Soundwave and pulled him around the throne. His voice was growling as he pulled the tapedeck onto his lap. "We can plan later! I have a minx to satisfy!"

Sideswipe hit the button to black out the feed as the two bots started pawing at each other, the sound of priming interface panels echoing in the silent confines of the ARK's Command Center. The screen went blank. No one spoke. A few cooling fans were running. No one moved. Optics stared at the now lifeless screen in a mixture of horror and arousal, disgust and jealousy.

It was Sideswipe who broke the deafening silence.

"Sorry, guys, I don't think I'm old enough to watch the rest of the feed," he said, feeling rattled. He never saw such drastic emotions with the Cons before. Maybe the program had a glitch and the Cons were suffering from the ill-side effects? Whatever it was, Ratchet must have been thinking along the same lines. He cleared his vocalizer before he spoke.

"Sideswipe, I want a complete copy of that program you wrote," Ratchet said, gathering his wits. "And I want the entire code, not the random bits and pieces you like to file as a report. I want the program in its entirety and I want you to explain to me how you were able to write such a code in the first place." When Sideswipe made no move to comply, Ratchet raised his voice and pointed toward the med bay. "I said I want a copy of that code and a complete explanation on its structure! Now!"

Sideswipe jumped from Tele-Tran and lead the way to med bay.

Ironhide looked to Jazz, his voice low as he whispered, "Did you stop the recording?"

"Slag no! I didn't want to miss anything!" Jazz said, turning the screen back on. As images started to come into focus, the bots settled in for the show. The Autobot forces watched in shocked fascination at the reality of insanity unfolding in the enemy camp.

Even Prowl was watching. And no one noticed him take a few notes.

OOOOO-I-IIIII-000000-OOOOO-IIIIII-0000-OOOOOOO

All I can say is "Crow's Meow" and I'll leave it at that.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

And next week will be another double posting to celebrate the New year and I may take a hiatus. I'm a very tired storyteller.

But reviews help. EG