Fandom: Hikaru no Go
Title: chiisana yasashisa wo kure
Pairing: Ogata + Akira
Rating: pg-13
Description: So, why did Ogata stay with Touya-sensei for such a long time?
Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go belongs to Obata-sensei and Hotta-sensei.
chiisana yasashisa wo kure
By Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 4 – The windows of calmness.
As fast as he'd sparkled before me, the diamond turns into coal once more. Replaced with apprehensive eyes and a worried expression, a flittering sliver grazes my heart like it always does.
I wonder when did you start giving me that kind of face…Why can't you ever be comfortable with me?
At times like these, you mirror my younger self. I don't like it.
Ironically, I don't have that kind of confidence that you'd see me like that.
Akira turns around to face the mirror again and holds a dark gray summer kimono with alternating medium and narrow-sized lines, appearing hand-sewn strip by strip. Again, I find myself watching, so I go to pick up my things and bring them towards the closet.
Opening my luggage, I'm still distracted as I take another glimpse of his face. How he looks the perfect half of his mother's grace and father's sternness. How the kimono itself falls into place, skin smoothly fitting like a glove.
My gaze touches the ground for a moment and I purse my lips wondering why I have to re-live all those memories now. Walking on shards of glass all these years, I thought I was already numb.
I'm placing one of my burgundy blouses onto a hanger when Akira calls for me. "Ogata-sensei?"
"Yes?"
"Would you mind helping me with my obi?" He sighs. "As you can see, Father insisted I wear a kimono instead of the suit I'd packed."
I wish he hadn't.
With my bags still half full, I cross over again towards him. "What should I do?"
"Could you," he clears his throat, "hold my hair up?"
A tint of red appears on the top of his cheeks.
Slowly and deliberately, he wraps the thin dark magenta obi around his small waist. Once, twice, crossing it over and pulling until it makes a bow. All the while, I hold his hair behind him so that it won't be caught inside the winding, but I don't know exactly where to look.
He shakes his head in disapproval towards the mirror. It's been so long since we've been this close (proximity-wise) to one another that I've forgotten there were days when he used to hug me.
Ever since that day when we went sakura viewing, you've distanced yourself from me…
Playing it cool is futile. Each time he'd redo the tying, I'd steal glances at his profile and scoff at my ridiculousness.
He's only half a head smaller than me, perfectly under my nose. The same kid who used to run away from his parents and hide behind me, holding onto one of my knees for protection.
After five attempts, he sighs, starting to lose patience with himself. His perfectionist nature won't accept anything lopsided. I must have appeared more amused than perturbed because Akira lifts up his eyes, which are now staring straight into mine through the mirror.
"Hmm?"
He pouts while reaching back to poke my dimple with his index finger. He always hated to show his less than stellar moments.
"Stop smirking. I know I'm not good at this."
I get a brief glimpse of my own reflection.
You really have no idea that you're the only person who's seen me act this way.
"Haven't you done this all your life?" I transfer his long hair into his hands, giving a light squeeze in between mine. "Especially with Sensei wearing these all the time?"
"I know, but…" He looks down to the floor, searching for a careful response.
Standing before him with his arms in the air, I peer carefully at the obi. The material was rough, yet well-made. Slowly and quietly, I tried to wrap it from the front, but the orientation is off for me. I've never wrapped it for someone else, so I end up standing behind him again, bent with my arms parallel to his hips. In the quietness, the wind outside makes a low shh shh sound. Akira looks down at my hands as I pull the thin, yet bold colored obi around his slim waist. I take another glance at the mirror to find him watching me, studying my movements.
I look into his reflection and stop midway. "Is it too tight?"
"No."
I make a bow and wind the obi over itself, thinking of the times I'd bothered to learn.
"You're really good at this, but I've never seen you wear one before."
Pulling on the hem, I smooth out the back creases. "I forced myself to learn at some point."
Touching his shoulder so that he could face me, I make sure his appearance is flawless.
"Why?" He looks into my eyes, but I'm unable to meet his. Lightly, I pat his chest to make sure the front is aligned and smoothed out. "I bought a kimono I never wore."
Avoiding the obvious next question, I interject. "That should do it."
He lets go of his hair and it falls back into place, parting again like silk when he bows his head. "Thank you."
"You're not even going to bother checking the mirror?" I joke.
Shaking his head, with smiling eyes, he retorts seriously, "It's good enough if you approve."
Akira turns around to search for something.
I shake my head when his back's towards me. Then, I resume unpacking my things.
"I hope you're not upset that the rooms were switched." He rummages through his messenger bag with his back towards me.
"Oh so that's what he was apologizing for in the voicemail." It all clicked now.
Akira stops, taking out something wrapped in thin paper. "I asked him to."
With knees bent, he's contemplative, but he soon gets up to put this paper into one of the drawers.
"That's fine," I coolly say while taking out a white suit to place into the closet.
"You really…" he sighs as he pushes the drawer in.
Why does he sound frustrated?
"What?" I look at him curiously.
The peacefulness suddenly brews into a personal storm. Somehow he seems upset with me. I've learned to read all his moods since he was born.
"Are you also wondering why your father wants to fight against me? Isn't that the reason why you changed rooms?" I put another blouse onto a hanger. "If you want the plain truth, I don't know either."
The clinking of the metal hook hits the rod. When I look over into his direction once more, his hands are in fists while his head points towards the tatami floor, his profile shadowed by his hair. He slowly gets up. "It is always about Father, huh?"
Trying to make light of the situation only aggravated him. This tone isn't one I'm used to.
"Akira…"
"Forget it." He waves his hand in and replies quietly, "It's nothing."
The cloud still hangs over us.
"I'm going to the shrine and will be right back," he announces, grabbing a small pouch to put in his sleeve.
"Aren't you going to wait until your father arrives?"
"Actually," he says with his back towards me before exiting, "I was waiting for you."
Before I can answer, he bows his head politely and leaves. I hear him slip into his geta and the door clicks behind him.
Nothing ever goes as planned with this boy, I swear…
…and I fall for it every time.
I drop whatever I am doing and rush to put on my shoes to chase after him.
+/+/+/+/+/
Akira is already in a cab by the time I get outside. The ryokan calls for another cab for me.
As I wait with a cigarette outside, I take a deep breath.
/I sat in the den reading kifu while placing stones onto a Go board sitting in the center of the room. Contemplating on the best "move", unexpectedly, she opened the front door and that's when I heard, "I am sorry, I think I have the wrong-"
I immediately got up and stood at the genkan. "Akira-san?"
Bewildered, Akira stood there dumbfounded, losing color as he bowed there. "I didn't know you…Um, I…" he stammered, turning pink in embarrassment.
The woman, between us was just as amazed, watching our faces like a tennis match. Was it that fact that I'd rushed out or that the beautiful child wasn't a girl?
The usual cool maturity he had with all the adults who came to his house had all but vanished.
"I'll be go-" I ran to grab his sleeve as the woman stepped aside, holding out my arm to her that she was still shocked at the force I'd exerted.
"Did you need something?"
Did you need me? Why are you here? What happened?
"I was in the neighborhood and so I thought I'd drop by to say hi."
You live nowhere near this train station.
"Don't go anywhere. Just stay there. I'll go grab a coat."
Clutching onto his schoolbag, he nodded. In my room, I thought how I tried to always act calmly and non-plussed, but that immediately shattered in a snap. There was no way I could cover how disconcerted I appeared to both of them.
It was an unfamiliar territory outside the walls of my mind. Anything remotely "Akira" was a landmine in itself. I'd avoided this very subject for years. Well, that was until he showed up at my door. In a single instant, he'd unwrapped years of hardening.
As I passed her in the kitchen, she said nothing.
"I'll be back." She didn't bother to look up as she chopped some carrots. Funny thing was that she never bothered to cook before.
"So…" I started as we walked out of the complex. "…what happened?"
He turned to me in exasperation. "You need to help me."
"With what?"
Without thinking, he grabbed my sleeves. "I never win against Father."
I blinked my eyes, thinking, "At the rate everyone's going, no one's done that."
"Sensei is…himself," I answered.
"Well, I'll do it. And you're going to help me."
"I haven't given consent to aiding you, Akira-san. I'm in the same position."
He pouted as he let his hands go.
"Then you won't help me?"
"Wasn't I your rival a few months ago?"
He nodded with his lip sticking out, contemplating and becoming more adorable the more I poked at his burgeoning pride.
He stopped walking and looked at the sidewalk. I covered my mouth as a smirk appeared on my face. I cleared my throat.
I was about to say something when he said, "I hate losing to Father. And I have a big handicap too."
"Don't we all…" I trailed off without thinking.
"You have a big one too?"
I was fortunate that he couldn't connect the dots yet. Soon though, he would and it'd probably still be too early for me.
"A long time ago." I put my hand on his soft hair. I touched the tips when I bent one knee to meet him eye to eye.
As I watched him, my mind fast-forwarded to when he'd been born. Was it a coincidence? Okay, maybe not.
"Why should I help you?"
His eyes widened as his hands touched my cheeks. Grinning from ear to ear, those baby teeth half gone with gaps. "Because you never say no to me."
He nodded his head proudly.
My fingers tingled as I watched his elated face silently.
For now. Only for now.
My cel phone rang and vibrated. "Hello?"
I finally let go of his hair, but he still pushed on my cheeks with his palms even though I was on the phone. His delighted eyes lit up with whatever weird face I had.
"Hello, Ogata-san. Is Akira with you?" His mother asked nervously.
"Yes. He's right here."
Akira winced as he gave me a "busted" expression as I talked with his mother.
"I'll bring him to the salon then."
I stood up with one eye raised as I closed my phone.
"Did you come here without telling anyone?"
He nodded. "I was going to go to the salon anyway so I thought I'd take you with me."
"And what if I wasn't home?"
"I'd wait 'til you came back."
I sighed. We were going in circles.
His eyes began to glisten. "Are you mad at me?"
"No, I am not."
I could never be.
"How'd you find my address anyway?"
"Father passed by once so I remembered how to get here."
Without a chance to wonder why, he took my hand and pulled me towards the station. I watched him as he held my hand so warmly, almost laughing as he excitedly half-walked, half-ran with me in tow.
+/+/+/+/+/
He's a quarter up the hill when I'm getting off the cab.
With fastidious grace, I walk behind him. "Akira…"
He doesn't hear me. Knowing him, he's locked himself away, thinking as he always does.
I call out again, "Akira."
The clacking on the stones stop. An older couple passes us, but we still exchange no words.
Slowly, he starts walking again and I know better than to stand beside him. We go to visit the shrine and find a gathering of people at the top while only few were at the bottom of the hill.
Years ago, I took my first trip alone here. When I became an insei, I prayed that I would find a way to meet him and stay beside him somehow. I promised on my one-sided feelings.
Who would have thought I'd end up here with his son?
In front of the shrine, while bowing his head, I stood beside him.
I won't ask for anything for myself this time. Thank you for granting me my wish, even if it came in such a convoluted way…Please just make whatever Akira's praying for come true.
Let me stay with them as long as I can.
As we head back, his head rises to peer into the cerulean blue and then at me. "You didn't have to come after me."
Not waiting for any explanation, he continues walking.
That isn't actually a choice for me. I surrendered that option years ago…
I stood in my place. "Whether or not you want me to, I always will."
That certainly got his attention because he starts to put his hand to his mouth, coughing a little.
"You sound so certain." His profile faces me but he doesn't look at me as I finally walk beside him.
"When have I ever lied to you?"
"Adults don't always say the truth though."
"Are you still mad about finding someone living in my apartment?"
"I wouldn't hold that against you. I was only a child then."
She moved out after she saw you.
When he glanced at me, I knew he had. Or still did.
At the bottom of the hill, even though we took the same taxi back, we rode back in silence.
On a whim, I asked the driver, "Could you please bring us to the Tottori sand dunes?"
+/+/+/+/
Since it's summer, there are crowds of people.
As I'm taking the cab driver's number to call him back later, Akira takes a deep breath, watching everything before us. His resentment at not being able to practice for our matches evaporates the more he turns his head from side to side. There are droves of people walking in every which direction, but they are all trying to get to the top of the highest hill.
"How…?" He peers at his feet.
"Do you want me to carry you?" I jest.
"Hmph." He feigns dismissing my remark. "I'll walk on the sand with my tabi. But what about your shoes?"
"I can always buy another pair."
It's been years since you came with me anywhere, hasn't it?
Trudging along, we follow a family with children running towards our right, on an outer edge. When we reach it, we look over the mini cliff and see the sea. The salt more apparent with the wind rushing through, making grooves along the sand. A few people have gone the long trek down to reach the edge of the Japan Sea.
Without even thinking about it, I don't question Akira as he climbs down to run towards the coast touching the moving waves. It takes a while to get there with one or two switchbacks and trying not to fall into holes along the way. Along the way, we marvel at the people going down the dunes in cardboard boxes.
When we finally get to the cusp where sand meets water, Akira drops his geta and runs towards the ocean. It rushes against his feet and his eyes are twinkling again. The water starts to brush against the hem of his kimono, but his smile gets brighter, fascinated by the whole atmosphere.
Being so serious all the time, it really has been a while since I've seen him this way.
"Magnificent…"
The scene before me is so absolute I wish I could capture it into my fingertips. These windows of calmness open whenever you are with me. The shards seem dull when you walk before me, forgetting the hurt coming along this path...
I cannot keep him a child forever. He isn't mine to have. I know that and yet-
I gulp, but he runs towards me and pulls my wrist to come with him. I don't care as the water seeps into my shoes. I close my eyes as the sun absorbs into my skin.
His hand grips firmly onto mine with his fingers pushing into my palm. "I don't know how you do it, but you always bring me to beautiful places."
Closing onto his fingers, I hold onto him just as tightly.
No, that isn't true…
You're the one who always shows me that magic still exists in this world.
Tsuzuku… / To be continued…
Author's note: It took a long while to bring this chapter to life. I kept coming back to it, and then I was uploading older fics so that I would not lose them again. Along the way, I picked up pieces of myself that I remembered and tried to embed them here. It was a good experience to walk down that lane.
But as I analyze Ogata-sensei many years after I'd seen Hikaru no Go and read the manga, I'm beginning to understand him better, or at least more aware of why I like him. As for Akira here, he's usually the perspective I pick, but I realize, you put him against Ogata-sensei, he's completely different than when he's with Hikaru. But do not worry, we will get to Hikaru soon enough. (I still enjoy the Sai and Ogata pairing though!)
Love,
Yui
12/1/2019 7:17 PM – Los Angeles
12/2/2019 12:17 PM - Tokyo
