The Grass Is Greener on the Other Side
AN: I take no responsibility for Sideswipe's lunacy. And as a 'non-pranking person' I find these very difficult to come up with and yet maintain originality. Please, bear with me. :D
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It took all of Sideswipes inner strength to keep from snickering as he worked. When he was done with the last bot he exited the quarters undetected. He crept down the hall on the tips of his pedes, going to the security camera and removing the special cap from its lens. With a grin he set off down the corridor, removing the other two caps he had placed on the lens to hide his movement. As he subspaced his contraband he turned the corridor that lead to the officers quarters and almost ran into a small black and white speed bump.
The two bots stared at each other for a moment, their optics raking over each others forms, searching for a sign that they were going to be ratted out. Sideswipe offered a nod, sidestepping the officer who was sneaking down the hall at such a late hour.
"Jazz." Sideswipe whispered the greeting.
'Sideswipe." Jazz returned the gesture. He nodded down the corridor he just left, "Cameras are tilted to the ceiling so if you want to go and mess with anyone, there won't be any evidence."
"Thanks," Sideswipe said, nodding from the direction he just left. "Have lenses for the hall if you want them."
"No thanks. Heading back to my room," Jazz said, cheeky grin lighting up his features.
Sideswipe could see the mechs optics glinting behind his visor. It was hard to tell what the saboteur was up to. He offered a nod to his fellow conspirator and slinked down the hall, slipping into Prime's quarters with ease.
Jazz quirked a brow ridge noting that Sideswipe moved with stealth associated with Special Ops. The mech was a natural. He should consider transferring to Jazz's unit. They could use a mech with his skills. Of course he spent most of his time serving time
because of the method of choice to hone his skills. Using his fellow Autobots as targets for his pranks. Oh well. Sideswipe knew better than to try anything with Jazz. The mech was just as sneaky and dangerous enough to make anything look like an accident. Jazz slipped into his own quarters unnoticed. He was glad he had added security to his door locks. Why the rest of the bots didn't add such safety parameters, Jazz would never know. You would think they'd learn after living with Sideswipe for so long. But if the idiots wanted to continue to trust the sneaky slagger, let them suffer the consequences.
An hour later Sideswipe crept back to his quarters. Sunstreaker didn't bother opening his optics to acknowledge his twin.
"What have you been into?" Sunstreaker asked from the darkness of his berth.
"Just a little recon." Sideswipe whispered, going to is berth and settling down in the dark.
"What kind of recon?" Sunstreaker asked, then added, "Never mind. I don't know want to get involved with your insanity."
"Too late Bro, you're already infected." Sideswipe grinned in the dark.
"Yes, well I'll have to speak to Ratchet about further inoculations." Sunstreaker deadpanned, falling into charge and ignoring his brother's sputters of indignation.
The next day nothing happened. Shifts went about their business. Jazz didn't acknowledge the fact he and Sideswipe crossed paths in the middle of the night. Sideswipe pretended Jazz didn't even exist, must to the Porsche's confusion.
"More rain." Gears grumbled as he entered the command center. As always he was complaining about something. This time it was the weather.
It was officially the rainy season in Oregon. A fact most of the bots despised. Especially the sports cars. The rugged mechs like Hound and Trailbreaker enjoyed the mud and rains and sandy winds that whipped around the coast. Everyone else preferred to stay indoors and as dry as possible.
"More rain?" Mirage whined, sounding downtrodden.
The last week had been fairly warm but now that the wet season was upon them, the days were cloudy, filled with a constant heavy mist or downpours. It didn't make a mech feel comfortable.
"Only supposed to be misting heavily today." Hound put in, already splattered in mud and leaving a trial throughout the ARK. Prowl gave him a stern look. How the mech managed to get so dirty from his quarters to the command center, was anyone's guess.
"Why can't we move further south?" Gears complained.
"Besides the fact our ship is buried half a mile in a volcano and we would have to excavate it in order to move it?" Jazz put in, matching glares with Sideswipe as the little prankster kept grinning and not letting Jazz in on the secret. Jazz hated being left in the proverbial dark. He liked to know what was going on. It made avoiding Sideswipe's traps easier.
"Three days, with heavy fog in the mornings and evenings and scattered showers throughout the day." Bumblebee recited getting an itching in his circuits that was usually associated with Sideswipe. He looked to the ruby Lamborghini and noticed his passive aggressive cheek against Jazz.
Something was up between the two, Bumblebee just knew it.
"Isn't the President arriving this week?" Mirage asked, finding it to be tiresome to be gawked at by the human dignitaries.
"They arrive in two days." Jazz confirmed, giving up on getting Sideswipe to spill his secret. The mech really should transfer. Jazz would love to see what the mech could do if unleashed.
As predicted there were days of dreariness, mist, and fog so bad that Bluestreak had missed a turn and ran off the road, throwing out his alignment. The mountains were shedding their winter diamonds causing the streams and rivers to swell, the falling rain doing little to keep the banks within check. A bridge washed out in the next county prompting the Autobots to enact rescue. Only one vehicle had been stranded, thank Primus. Hound had no problem wading into the waist deep water and extracting the newly wed couple from their minivan.
The morning of the president's arrival and the base was slow to power up. The solar cells were running low on energy, the ARK now relying on batteries to keep its systems operational. With difficulty the mechs climbed from their berths with much grumbling and slow boot ups. Optical shutters were heavy and refused to retract fully and joints creaked with the strain of moving.
Sideswipe was at the communications monitor, neglecting to inform the bots that instead of an ETA of eleven am, the President would be there by nine. Apparently there was a local school that he was going to visit as well and wanted to greet the children before their lunch. Which meant the Autobots were going to have to adjust their schedule and entertain their human host before his next engagement.
Several bots trudged from their quarters to the rec room for morning rations, looking deprived of charge as the dreariness of the days weighed on their processors and sparks. The bots were just like humans who feel gloomy when it rains. It was always difficult to lift their spirits when the rains and leaden sky always felt oppressing. No one liked to be cold, damp, and restricted to indoors. Or the clean up detail that went with traffic.
Sideswipe allowed a snicker to escape upon seeing the official convoy head toward the ARK. He hit the alert on the sensors, granting access to the arrivals without raising any alarms for possible incursion. He waited until the humans had disembarked from their vehicles before calling over comms.
'The humans have arrived!' Sideswipe alerted the mechs to the situation.
'What?' Ironhide yelled, still staggering from his berth toward the door.
'Can't be!' Red Alert cried out. 'They aren't scheduled to arrive for another two hours!'
'Apparently they are early. I'm on my way now to greet them,' Sideswipe said, heading toward the entrance of the ARK. 'I suggest everyone meet us in the Command Center and look busy.'
'Primus, frag it!' Ironhide grumbled over comms, apparently not able to throw off the excess charge that had built from the twins brewed hi-grade from the night before. Whatever the duo did to their brew, it certainly was unique and packed the punch a mech was looking for.
Prime stumbled from his quarters, wondering why his helm was pounding when he swore he drank only one cube of high grade last night when Jazz hosted 'karaoke.' He half ran, half teetered his way to the command center, his circuits singing with charge. By the time he got to the command center, he was able to dissipate a good portion, though there were some residual energy that made Prime twitch from time to time.
Prowl entered the control room, his expression neutral though everyone knew he was just as flummoxed as they were with the human's arrival. And though he wouldn't admit to such emotional folly, Prowl felt the dreariness weigh heavy on his frame as well. His doorwings weren't as high and rigid as normal, his optics a little dimmer. He scratched at his wrist as he subspaced a datapad, preparing for the change to itinerary.
Prime appeared beside of his first officer, stretching and rubbing along his helm and neck. He must have charged funny. His joints were stiff and itchy.
"And if you follow me to the Command Center, I will introduce you to our Prime and his most trusted officers," Sideswipe said, layering on the charm like a seasoned pro as he escorted the large contingent of humans.
Prime adjusted his shoulders, adopted a gentle, yet commanding look, and turned to face the humans. Prowl flanked his commander, Jazz and Ironhide coming to stand behind the SIC with pleased expressions, their fans whirring from the rush to get to the command center. Ratchet, Smokescreen, Tracks, Bumblebee, Cliffjumper, Huffer, Hoist, and Windcharger came waltzing in, looking pleased to see the human visitors.
"We have been anticipating your visit and I know our Prime wishes to speak to you on some important issues, if you have the time," Sideswipe said, smiling in that roguish, sexy way that had the female population giving him an appraising look.
Sunstreaker entered the command hub and paused, looking at the assembled collection of mechs, all of whom he had seen beaten, broken, bloodied, dismembered, and shining as factory new but never had he witnessed them in such an arrangement. He paused, a snicker escaping his vents before he could stop it and like a bandit, tiptoed around the edge of the assemblage and started the video recording.
Sideswipe crossed the threshold to the command center, his attention on the humans before he looked to Prime. "I'm sure a mutual agree…. ment….."
The President and his handlers paused, looking from their brilliant ruby escort to the assembled Autobots. And every one of them gapped in astonishment. Eyes were wide. Breaths were held. Bodies were frozen.
Prime opened his vocalizer to speak when Sideswipe interrupted with a strangled noise, his expression scandalous and shocked.
The snickering started out as a whisper, then grew to thundering proportions as the humans watched the dumbstruck look on the Autobots' faces. It was only when Prime looked down, extending his leg and noting the discoloration that the full absurdity hit him. One look at Prowl, both now wide awake and optics clear, and Optimus Prime let out a sound like someone squeezing an owl.
"Siiidddeeee…." Prowl growled out, noting the patches that adorned every Autobot save the Lamborghini twins. "Sswiiippppeeeee!"
It was then that all mechs took a good look at their comrades.
Every one of them had a fine sprinkling of green 'hair' covering their legs, their interface panels, torsos, and those with a battlemask were marked with a facial outline of the greenery. Prowl scratched at his bumper, finding the thin paste that had been applied who knows when or how. A quick analysis showed the greenery to be normal Earthen plant growth. Nothing toxic or damaging. Thank Primus. The only thing the victims would suffer was embarrassment.
Bumblebee scratched at his interface panel, frowning at the extra thick carpet that grew around the edges of everyone's panels, looking like a bushy verge was about to explode from their private arrays. Ironhide growled, rubbing the hairy greenery from his chest plates while Smokescreen was trying to extract the verge from under his arms and from the juncture of his doorwings and body. He resembled an angered moth fighting an invisible assailant.
Tracks let out a pained cry and dashed from the room, finding his own body covered in the growing verge, his legs appearing to be twice as hairy as anyone else's.
"Guys, what have I said about waxing?" Sideswipe snapped, one servo going to his hip, the other gesturing toward the humans. "We have guests! The least you could do is clean up the playground!"
"How?" Jazz asked, looking to Sideswipe completely flummoxed. There was no way Sideswipe could have bypassed his security locks! But the evidence was a beautiful array of growing greenery, Jazz's torso nearly obscured by the growth.
"What is this stuff?" Huffer asked, rubbing at his interface panel. Now that he knew something was there, it was impossible to ignore the itching.
Sideswipe waggled his brow plating.
"Is this a… plant?" Windcharger asked, looking at his own bushy body.
"How can we grow plants on our bodies?" Ratchet asked, looking at the thick fur adoring his joints.
"It's been humid lately and quite muddy." Sunstreaker put in.
"And apparently thrives in joint grease." Sideswipe snickered.
"Sideswipe!" Blaster, Powerglide, Brawn, Bluestreak, and Grapple yelled in unison as they entered the command center, all sporting the growing vegetation.
"Get him!" Gears yelled, finding a thick carpet along his crotch plating to be hindering his movement.
That's all that was needed. Like a multicolored comet, everyone started after Sideswipe, who offered a scared wave to the humans before making a run for it. Sideswipe whooped and hollered, the assorted mechs chasing him around the base.
"So that's why he ordered two hundred chia pets," Sunstreaker said to no one in particular.
"Two hundred?" Prowl repeated, giving Sunstreaker a 'why didn't you realize what was going on' type look. "And you never said anything?"
"I didn't know what he was going to do with them," Sunstreaker said truthfully.
"You could have guessed what his one track processor would do," Prowl said.
"I stopped understanding my twin when we split." Sunstreaker deadpanned, glaring at the mayhem caused by his rambunctious brother. There were shouts and clangs echoing from the hall. "Besides, it not my place to keep an optic on him."
"It should be." Prowl amended, struggling hard not to scratch at his plating.
Sunstreaker looked to Prowl and asked, "Can't they just terminate him?"
"There's a chance it will terminate you as well," Prowl said his hairy green joints itching. Now he knew what had been causing his discomfort the past couple of days.
"Can we test the theory?" Sunstreaker asked, hearing Sideswipe yell about not being taken alive.
Prowl looked over to the now laughing humans, all wheezing and red in the face.
"Perhaps when there aren't so many witnesses," Prowl said, earning a smirk from Sunstreaker as the two separated. Prowl went to scour his body free of the grassy verge and Sunstreaker to cover the shift that his bother wasn't going to finish.
He was just glad his brother omitted him from this prank, both as a participant and victim.
The green would have clashed horribly with his paint.
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Hope that was entertaining.
Reviews would be loved and cherished!
Next chapter is a request by Starfire.
