Fandom: Hikaru no Go
Title: chiisana yasashisa wo kure
Pairing: Ogata + Akira
Rating: pg-13
Description: So, why did Ogata stay with Touya-sensei for such a long time?
Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go belongs to Obata and Hotta-sensei.
chiisana yasashisa wo kure
By Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 7 – emptying myself inside out.
When we reach Mrs. Touya standing in the hallway, I apologize immediately. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude and leave so hastily. Then I nodded off on the roof without even saying where I was."
I touch the back of my neck modestly with childish guilt.
She nods her head understandingly. "That's all right. I was just worried you were taking it too hard."
Reaching out her hand, it's almost as if she wants to pat the top of my head, but she hesitates, fingers curling into a soft fist.
Does my face look like it's going through hell? If she feels the need to do that, I'm certain it does. But no one has comforted me in that manner. I wouldn't know anyway. I've never given anyone the opportunity to.
I want to curse myself for your concern when it should be the other way around!
Unconsciously, my gaze wanders towards the door I've purposely ignored. My mind's breaking, so I pull on my jacket to keep myself in check.
Beyond that door, he's lying down with an oxygen mask and I don't think I can handle that right now. No, I know I can't. I've got to keep up the few strands of control I still possess within me.
But how long can I keep up this façade?
I watch Akira sitting down and texting someone, most probably Shindou-kun, with lips in a line and a distraught expression.
For you, Sensei. For Akira.
That's right…this is nothing after enduring all this time. I have to keep it up. I need to make it to the end of this day in one piece.
"We'll make an announcement about postponing our match, but the charity event will go on as planned. Let's go back to the ryokan, Akira-kun." I take the handle of Mrs. Touya's luggage from Akira's left hand. "For sure, we'll return as soon as we can."
Mrs. Touya smiles at us, bowing her head slightly. "Thank you, Ogata-kun."
"You're always welcome, Mrs. Touya."
+/+/+/+/+/
This morning's ride seems so much quicker compared to last night's.
As soon as we sit down, Akira falls asleep the instant he closes his eyes. With hands folded, his head falls towards the right and it makes me relax for a moment. Always vigilant, I wonder why I never saw the signs.
You hold your pride up to me as your weapon, not your shield. Yet, you let me see beyond your armor.
But then in tiredness, my mind slips back into that dream. I stop it midway, keeping it from ensnaring my senses and seducing my soul away.
If you truly need me, it can't possibly be like that.
You are your father's most precious treasure: His pride passing onto you with all the experience he could give.
Tarnishing it would definitely kill me.
+/+/+/+/+/
After discussing with the Takeno Ryokan staff about our situation, we take quick showers and change clothes before heading to the hosting hotel to face the cameras and their film crews. Under the barrage of blinking red dots, electrical eyes, and hardened mesh mouths, Akira and I address Sensei's situation and revert to leading the event with steel nerves.
"...So as of this moment, Sensei is in stable condition, but we deeply regret having to postpone our match to a later time when his health is better." I bow my head forward.
Akira now walks up to the cluster of microphones. "We will be continuing with all other matches and signing sessions for this charity event. Thank you again for attending and please enjoy the afternoon at your leisure. We will begin in ten minutes."
Everyone heads to their respective seats as we push our chairs out to step off the stage. Amano-san is waiting for us at the bottom. "I just wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear about your father, Akira-kun. But I'm happy the Meijin is faring well."
"Yes, he is. Thank you."
He glances towards me and says, "We look forward to the rematch then, Ogata-sensei."
"I do as well," I reply.
He goes off to walk around the room when Kurata-sensei heads over towards our direction.
"Akira-kun! I'm looking forward to the matches today, but is your father's condition getting better? What happened?"
"He is all right. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but he's resting now. He just had surgery but the doctors said he'll be able to go home soon. Other than that, actually he's very energetic."
"That's great to hear! I wanted to play against him again so it was too much of a shock to hear it over the tv so suddenly. Well, I'll be going over to my table now. See you in a bit."
Behind us, I hear that horrid cackling. "Oh ho ho~. You've been saved, haven't you, Ogata-kun?"
Ah yes, how could I forget the aggravator of nerves-sensei himself…
I turn around and greet him too politely for his tastes. "Kuwabara Honinbou."
"Regards to your father. I am glad to know there's still enough umph for us to fight one another, Akira-kun."
"Thank you, Kuwabara-sensei." Akira bows respectfully. "I am very honored you chose to play with me first."
He pats his shoulder while chuckling. "I wonder…will you take this title before Ogata-kun?"
Walking away, he lifts an eyebrow, giving me a contumelious look without Akira's knowledge. He then saunters to join his part of the room, waiting for his opponent.
Not taking the bait, I keep eye contact for a moment longer, just before the instrumental karaoke version of "Polyrhythm" plays in Akira's pocket.
I've never heard this ringtone before.
Akira rushes out to the hallway to take the call. I want to follow him, but Kiyohara Yashiro-kun walks up to me, his eyes following Akira's trail.
"I had wanted to ask how his father was, but…"
"He is all right. Thank you for your concern."
"I was looking forward to your match together, but that will have to wait for another day."
"Yes, but rest assured, we will have it."
He bows his head politely and strides over to his table completely composed.
Now it makes me very curious as to why Shindou didn't attend…
Smoothly making my way towards the bathroom, which requires passing through the hallway, I'm able to catch pieces of the conversation. Eavesdropping from the doorway, I hear Akira's end: "Yes, you really don't have to worry, but thank you for calling. I appreciate it…Yes, I know we've been texting…Well, that was why…No, Father is resting. There is no Go board in his room…Yes, mother is doing fine…Could you, no on second thought, it's okay. Really…I'll text you if there's any more news…Thank you again, Ichikawa-san."
Ah, Ichikawa-san.
Then he frets over his phone before making another phone call.
"Hikaru?" His voice becomes softer and hushed. "I only have about five more minutes before the matches begin, but I wanted to tell you something…I'll be here for two more days, until father is released from the hospital…Yes…I am okay…No, you don't have to come…I just wanted to hear your voice…Why you! I…"
I leave without looking back. All feeling I've managed to retain forcefully twists itself clean with no room left for air.
I didn't know that even more pain could exist after the deadening of the senses.
+/+/+/+/+/
By busily roaming the room throughout the event, I'm able to camouflage avoiding Akira and the interim of mental paralysis and physical disengagement. It was my protection system while growing up, but within two days, my old habits strap me down blind.
We're finally able to go back to our ryokan and into our room, but I'm more aloof than usual.
Akira immediately sits in front of the board, but grabs onto the bottom of my jacket without looking at me. "Please. I still haven't played my match with father this morning."
I stand behind him covertly exasperated. "I…"
...am at the last of my reserves. Give me time to breathe, Akira.
His eyebrows furrowed the more his fingers grab onto the hem. "If the time ever came, Father said to ask you to resume my morning matches."
When was this?
I looked down at his profile, a bit put off. "He's never discussed that with me."
"Who else can teach me, but you?"
I've played this game more times in my head than on an actual board. How many hours have I spent trying to go up the ranks and still not get there? Do you know how frustrated I am that you're coming up so quickly and now you're asking me if I'm qualified? Just because Sensei said so?
I have never doubted his judgment, but this…
Sensei, why do you always have to give me a puzzle to solve? Always wanting me to counter your latest move even off the board?
His lips open to talk until I put my hand over his and take off each of his fingers from my jacket.
When I kneel on one knee, our eyes meet and his mouth seals itself shut. Despondently, I stare straight into his eyes for the first time not as his teacher, brother, friend, or rival, but as a stranger, the part of me I never wanted to show him.
The person I was before I met his father: Self-destructive without a conscience. I cared for no one but myself.
Your father and then you and Hikaru...how exactly do you expect me to keep functioning?
I'm very tired. Of him messing with my mind. Of you wrapping me around your finger, latently aware that you do.
Why do I keep repeating the same mistake with eyes wide open?
This time, Akira's shocked into silence. For once, I'm openly showing him my misery, my jealousy, my contempt at full force.
Without another word, I get up and leave the room to smoke a cigarette.
+/+/+/+/+/
When I return, he remains sitting in front of the 19 x 19 board, looming over it with severe vehemence, agitation draining into the stones. He doesn't even feel my presence as I watch him battle against himself.
Within a glance, I know I'm white and he's black. It is the current me as of a few days ago at their home.
It seems you like to pick me apart too. Then again, didn't you say that I practically taught you the ruthless cruelties of the game?
Laying the stones with poignant sharpness, he suddenly stops on move 73.
Eyeing the board almost in disdain, the more my heart beats on end from madness and sorrow.
Even if you keep insisting, I won't let you have the benefit of seeing me defeated, Akira. Especially on that board!
"I don't know if you'll put this stone here or there," he ponders aloud, pointing at the places I mentally picked out as well.
"Why?" I cover my mouth, hiding that I am proud of him despite being incensed at his arrogance.
"To provoke me to make a mistake or kill me in one swoop."
"What do you think?"
"Here."
It's a spot I saw, but didn't mention.
"You'd kill me without me knowing." His eyes connect with mine.
I can't tell if you're disappointed or resentful at discovering the truth.
"You really do know me well, don't you, Akira?" I smile enigmatically as I sit across him. "I'm not a challenge for you if you've figured that out."
"As I said before, this is only if you played with me. You'd be completely different with Father."
"How so?" I provoke him to answer, to hit the nails and pierce himself while hammering deeper into the crux of my scars.
Again, you're chasing me all over the board…
"That's the part I don't know. Yet." His eyes hover over the board, recounting each move meticulously for later use.
"Does it really matter?" Holding the container in my hand, unable to fix the stones while he's still storing his mental kifu.
"Yes!" he snaps, turning his face away from mine. The strain in his voice pulls a chord within me.
Always have to inflame his hate, don't you, Seiji?
I grimly start to pick up the stones, my eyes blankly watching what I'm doing.
I hate hurting you, but I keep doing it anyway...
Clack clack clack…each stone drops into the container, they clatter louder in our ears through the silence. I then hold a black stone between my fingers, rubbing it for some sense of stability.
I think about when he was little. He used to try to steal these from my hands and cracked them on the board after gnawing on them with his gums.
…fully knowing that most of the laughter and joy I experienced in this life came from you.
"I enjoy playing with you," I calmly say.
"Are you being sarcastic?" He sniffs, and his whole body is shaking in resentment.
Tap. Placing the stone on the board, I shake my head while pretending to be indifferent.
Refusing to look his way, I focus on different spots of the board, ghosts of past moves float by. A few triumphs appear here and there, but the stinging regrets linger, recorded on and off the official stats.
"You reset everything."
He glances at me in curiosity, eyes rimmed with redness and breathing deeply to find equilibrium.
"I remember how I devoured every book when I started. How I went around the city playing in all the Go Salons to look for a challenge."
"You did?"
"Yes." I close my eyes briefly and nod slightly forward.
"What about now?"
"Endless struggle. The mountain never conquered. It doesn't matter what rank I've become because I still haven't reached my goal. The reason I began Go in the first place." With my jaw tightening, I give Akira the filled container of white stones. "Let's play before going back to Sensei and your mother. I did promise you I would."
He takes the stones, but stares at me with new eyes. "I should play bl-"
"No." I lift my eyes with a serious vigor. "Let's continue on like this."
+/+/+/+/+/
Driving along the long stretch of road, some landmarks start becoming familiar: A gnarled tree in front of a white house. Akira seethes in his seat as I've somehow managed to glide away from collapsing, five stones to be exact. I take off my glasses, cleaning them while thinking about how much quicker he's come since the latest Cup.
He's closing in faster than I'd estimated, but why's he mad at me? According to my terms, this is his victory. I won't admit it though.
The Honinbou League where we first faced each other professionally seems lifetimes ago.
We get to the hospital by late afternoon on the cusp of twilight and Akira talks privately to his father while Mrs. Touya and I enter the cafeteria to get some coffee, neither one of us with an appetite.
The sifting of somber visitors and white uniforms fade into the background as we both sit down.
"Thank you again. I am so glad you and Akira were able to straighten out the situation with both the event and the ryokan. How was everyone?"
"They were disappointed Sensei and I weren't able to play, but they all expressed their well wishes towards Sensei. On the most part, I think they're satisfied. However, I've never written on so many signboards before."
"Didn't you know you were popular?"
"I never paid attention."
Putting a hand up to her mouth to laugh, she gives me a relieved expression. "You look much better than this morning."
Even when she should be focusing on herself, she's not. She's always so cool and calm, a complete contrast to her husband.
"You don't have to worry so much about me, Mrs. Touya. Really, I'm okay." I take a sip from the blandness. I haven't been able to taste anything today. "Besides, Akira-kun and I were able to converse with friends, fellow players, and fans. We even had a private round in our room. That actually helped."
She blinks at me and when I look at her, I notice this is the first time I've actually seen her in a long while. Usually we are side by side or talk in passing, but we've never truly faced one another like we are now.
In my eyes, I still see the pretty woman in the dark purple yukata looking back at me.
"We haven't conversed like this since…" She looks off to one side in contemplation and then back at me. "…Akira-san was born?"
"I'm sure it hasn't been that long, has it?"
It's been too short for me.
"You've been Kouyo-san's student for decades that unlike the others, I've always regarded you as my other son."
I end up gripping onto my coffee with both hands and I bow my head. "It's an honor to me for you to say that."
"I admit I have no idea about the world of Go, but I do know that without you, Kouyo-san would never have pushed himself so hard." She holds the cup in between her hands and glances at it with a reflective look. "Akira-san too. So I am grateful to you for the both of them."
My heads goes from side to side. I'm no good with compliments.
Why am I feeling so nervous?
"You don't have to thank me. Both of them are very strong, self-motivated players. I'm humbled that I can learn from Sensei in the first place. I know there's still more for me to absorb. And I've enjoyed discussing about Go with Akira-san, especially since we love it so much."
Yes…that's right. I never use the word 'love' for anything. Affection, yes, but never that word.
But I couldn't lie to Mrs. Touya.
Finally, she lets go of her cup and reaches over the table. "I don't mean to treat you like a child, but…"
She pats my head and runs her fingers through my bangs, the hair I used to hate because it didn't grow black like others around me, but somewhere around brownish-blond. I was pestered and made fun of for it, but Kouichi accepted it without questions. From then on, I no longer felt ashamed.
"You always act tough, but I know…"
What does she know? I'm afraid of what she really sees…
Even my own mother didn't do this for me. She was too busy with her socialite friends when I was growing up.
But her fingers feel smooth and comforting. I can't help but go along with the rhythm, even if it is in public.
I'm not offended at all that she's treating me like a kid. I wonder why that is?
Holding my breath, she answers, "…you're more straight-forward than you care to admit. Kouyo-san won't say it, but he praises you all the time."
I open my eyes widely in pure surprise.
He does?
"You could have gone to another teacher or taught your own classes by now, and this is the perfect time to think about it, but…" She takes her hand away and tilts her head to one side. "…I know it's selfish of me to ask, but please stay with us. I want you to know how much we all need you."
I feel a warm clasp over my hands. "There are times I feel you don't know that, Ogata-kun."
Overcome, I bow my head, my nose almost touching the table's grooves. "Thank you, Mrs. Touya. It means more to me than you'll ever know. I promise I won't go anywhere."
She smiles and we both take another sip of our coffee, listening to the bustling of trays and the hum of other conversations.
A few seats away, a child walks to a table with her father behind her holding a tray. She sits on his lap as they eat together.
With the awkwardness I experience with my own family, I don't know what to feel. I know what I've wanted, but who has ever needed me?
I take another sip of my coffee to discover that there's nothing left inside the cup.
+/+/+/+/+/
Akira is leaning on the wall when we make it back, but I ask them not to wait for me since visiting hours are almost over and that they should eat dinner together. I take them to get a taxi before I grab onto the knob of Sensei's door. Fixing my lapel, I push the door in and see Sensei resting with an oxygen mask.
He blinks his eyes as my leaden feet try their best to walk over. Antsy, I can't seem to sit down so I lean by the windowsill.
"Ogata-kun."
He's having a hard time breathing.
"Good evening, Sensei."
Are we really going to have a talk right now?
I want to be here, but at the same time, I want to be anywhere but here. I don't want to see this. Imagining it was already hard, but hit with the reality of it actually happening, I know half of me is already in shut down mode, waiting for the other half to implode.
Just glancing at you in this state speeds up my breakdown.
He gestures tiredly for me to come closer and I stand right by his bedside, looking down at him.
"She was right. Worry's written all over your face." He chuckles, the sides of his eyes crinkling.
"This is a bit more drastic than last time, Sensei."
"It is. But I'm not going yet. I still have things to do." He pointedly looks at me despite the weakness in his voice. "How was your bout with Akira? He told me you beat him."
"And he said that if anything happened to you, you said he should come to me," I counter, unforgiving about the circumstances.
"That's right. It is only natural that he does so. You're one of his teachers. And from all my students, you're the most qualified."
It's only because I've stayed the longest…
I don't say anything.
"You took care of the charity event on my behalf as well." The ends of his lips curl up. "You'll have to wait for our match."
The cries of the cicadas outside begin to sting my ears with their growing loudness.
"It seems you are always waiting for me, Ogata-kun."
What do you mean by that?
I hold my breath. The absolute fear that he's always known my secret causes me to stand very still, the numbness of earlier spreading and painfully clutching onto all that's left of me today.
"Sensei?"
"Thank you."
The oppressive silence of no explanation hangs in the air, and he ends the conversation by closing his eyes.
"You're welcome."
"See you tomorrow then."
"Yes, Sensei."
Why are you thanking me, I wonder?
I've done nothing for you.
+/+/+/+/+/
They are in the middle of eating when I arrive. We end up having dinner together in Mrs. Touya's room and soon, Akira and I go back to our room.
After taking a bath, Akira goes back to the Go Board, playing over and over. Even as I towel myself in the bathroom, I hear the stones roar in their tenacity, never stopping unless to start a new round.
So this is also his form of stress relief.
Now that I think about it, this is the first time we've shared a room since he's usually by himself and I roomed with Ashiwara-san. Unfortunately this time, that tactic failed me.
Drying my hair, I pop my head into the living room and say I'm going to bed.
The continuous tapping stops. "Am I being noisy?"
"No," I reply. "I sometimes sleep while listening to replays of Go matches."
"Aren't those televised without the clacking sound?"
"The ones from decades ago. I used to take cassette recordings and videos when they were allowed." I hold my towel in my hand and turn around to put it back in the bathroom.
Afterwards, I place my glasses next to my phone on a table and turn off the lights without closing the door. "Good night, Akira."
He doesn't bother to look into my direction as I hear the stones in a rhythm as if it's hard rain, a typhoon strung in melody.
I go into my futon and close my eyes, but my mind refuses to quit. Words keep rising to my consciousness: Mrs. Touya's request and Sensei's resolve when he told me he still had things to do.
That image of Akira I can't let go of, repeating in its savage fantasy.
I turn over, and well away from him.
My unrequited feelings. The loneliness of being the only one who knows them. These dirty thoughts a manifestation of all my unquenched desires…they're all eating away at me.
"Ogata-sensei?"
I hear the shh shh sound of his blanket as he turns towards my direction.
I've been so consumed in my thoughts that I didn't notice him lying in his futon.
Sighing deeper than ever, my eyes stare blurrily into the darkness.
Akira enters my futon. His cold legs wrap around mine along with his arms.
"What are you doing, Akira?! Go back to your futon!" I scold angrily.
Unexpectedly, his whole body's shaking, but he whispers gently into my ear, "I'll stay with you until morning. I promise I won't tell."
"Tell what?" I sarcastically retort while trying to push his arms away.
"You've been looking for a place to cry, haven't you? Wordlessly, without the press, without our friends…without Father seeing."
Disarming me, his words hit straight into my nerves.
He hugs me tighter than before and I feel my whole body loosen all the built up tension, surrendering to the exhaustion and his body.
They may have seen traces of it, but…
When did you learn to read me so well, Akira?
You've really grown up, haven't you? You've ripped the wool from your own eyes...
Just how long have you seen through the real me and kept me from knowing?
I really must be getting old because I can't tear myself away. My skin, my bones…everything aches for him, hidden underneath all my protests. It feels right though, that my place has always been here.
But you're a child. And you're in love with Shindou, not me.
In a moment of weakness, I'm not mixing you up. You're not your father from the past. Sensei isn't the you of the future. I never thought that way.
If I step past that line, it'll mean more than suicide. I'll forfeit all that I hold sacred. I know that very well. That's why I refused to see when you got a few centimeters taller, that our closeness defaulted from years of being around one another almost daily, your magnetic eyes relentlessly daring me to crossover.
Between his arms, without sobbing nor tears, I find myself quivering, emptying myself inside out:
For his mother's trust.
For Sensei's regard and ignorance.
For his unconditional adoration.
I never thought I'd lose all three at once
with the reality of wanting the unthinkable.
Tsuzuku… / To be continued…
Author's note: The strange instant when I even thought of creating this fic, I thought, "Do I really know Ogata-sensei?" The more I write, the more difficult it becomes because I consciously now understand what I hadn't before, like latent thoughts fluttering to the surface, becoming apparent under the scrutiny of light. Ah, the things you learn through fanfics. That's part of the reason why I'm still here doing it.
Sadly, a few months ago in April, while trying to figure out his voice, I found out his seiyuu (Fujiwara Keiji) passed away. (For both Hikaru and Initial D/Shingo! ;_;)
Ogata-sensei's so interesting, but all I feel is his struggle. My chest tightened every time he spoke. He loves Touya-sensei. He doesn't fully understand his love for Akira, but doesn't want to betray either nor his feelings for both.
And this chapter's dedicated to someone for their birthday.
Love,
Yui
7/26/2020 10:10:11 PM – Los Angeles
7/27/2020 2:10:11 PM – Tokyo
