Fandom: Hikaru no Go
Title: chiisana yasashisa wo kure
Pairing: Ogata x Akira
Rating: pg-13
Description: So, why did Ogata stay with Touya-sensei for such a long time?

Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go belongs to Obata and Hotta-sensei. "I Heard A Rumour" is Bananarama's.

chiisana yasashisa wo kure
By Miyamoto Yui

Chapter 8 – the vulnerable regret.

How long have I been waiting? For what though?

For whom exactly?

The crispness of the air permeates through the windows as Akira's hand splays over my heart, drumming against his palm through my shirt. For a moment, we integrate with the waves of coolness from the mountains, his soothing composure hushing my anxieties.
Defenseless, I can't hide from him any longer. I have no idea what to do so I close my eyes tightly.

I don't want to push him away, but I should because I know where he needs to go: It isn't with me.
We can walk side-by-side as we've always done.

Anything further is definitely not an option, but was this bound to happen after all?

Similar to piles of autumn leaves, there's been many seasons of chasing after Sensei on the board and off of it. From the moment he walked in front of me, I knew I'd love him 'til the day I'd die though I didn't understand it fully at the time what my feelings added up to.

What's left for you then? It isn't fair to you or me.

By not telling your father, I was able to save myself. And if I give into you, I can never face Sensei and lift my head with the integrity he expects of me. I'll have to give up Go, the cornerstone of all that's kept me balanced and connects everything important to me.

My whole life would be over.

Though I know all this, I'm still weak. Just like Sensei told me years ago.

My heart is corroding more as the seconds tick by, but I end up pushing his hand against it, crushing it as far as it can go. I push my fingers in between the spaces of his and hold on with all my might.

I can't let go.

"This reminds me of the time after the festival."
His face immediately turns red, pressing onto my back. I feel the temperature of his skin rise, incinerating against every place he's touching mine.
"Please don't tell the story…" Akira's voice squeaks in bashfulness.
I smirk and tease, "But you were so proud to give me those two goldfish."
"Father was really mad at both of us though."
"So I spent 5,000 yen. I didn't see why he had to be so upset if I was paying."
"That's why he got angry."
"But you were having so much fun. How could I tell you no?"
His arms jolt mildly until I hear his soft laughter. My eyes squint as I gulp.

How many times have you saved me with that?

"I was pretty determined to get two."
"You could have stopped at one."
"But I wanted him to have a friend." He clears his throat. "Kid logic, you know? I was only three!"
Staring at nothing particular inside the flurry of shadows, I tell him, "I've kept fish ever since."

His lips seal shut.

/"You're here!"
At the top of the cobblestone steps, I spotted Sensei's family. I was about to walk up to them when Akira broke free of his mother's hand and ran to get me. Pulling my hand as usual, he grinned to bring me around the temple matsuri with his parents.

That night, he wouldn't let me go home. His mother had to explain that I really had to, but unreasonably, he didn't want me to.
"Of course I'll be back tomorrow," I said, but he kept tugging on my shirt while crying and sniffling.

Big tears fell down the sides of his face and it made me pause, indulging in the cuteness.
Akira frowned, looking down at the ground. "But it'll be for Father. Not me."

Taken aback, I didn't know how to respond. Why's he so attached to me? I couldn't understand it at all, considering the fact that I was the least friendly and most closed-off personality in our study group.

Kneeling on both of my knees at their genkan, my whole hand covered the top of his head. "I assure you. I come for you as much as for your mother and father. All right?"
"Okay."
As I was about to get up, he gave me a big hug, his face snuggling brightly against my cheek. "Thank you, Ogata-san. Today was so fun!"
I patted his back. "You're very welcome, Akira-san. I'm glad."

While walking back to the station, I winced while holding up the two goldfish swimming in the plastic bag.

There will come a time when I'll miss this. So I'll enjoy it while I can./

I never knew how long you'd stay. How long I'd keep your attention on me without changing. It was impossible, especially when Shindou Hikaru came into the picture, but I took everything I could, didn't I? That's why I only responded on the Go board.
That was the only place I'd meet you or Sensei, where I was sure I couldn't lose our bond.

"When will you ever stop seeing me as a child?"

He lets go of his hand from my grasp to pull on my shoulder and I turned around, the world spinning before me with the dizziness settling in. Intently, we watch one another, but the serenity soon vanishes.
Akira reaches for my shoulders, jostling me. "Why do you always do this to me?"
"What else can I do?" I chuckle darkly, reaching out to twist the ends of his hair onto my index finger. "Even if I did, in a few more years I'll give you away again to Shindou for good, right? Like when you were 11."
"Hikaru…he…" Clearly distressed, he looks from side to side. "I…"

He's unable to follow-up his thoughts, but I can't bear to hear him say Shindou's name so familiarly.
I let go of the tips and look sideways.

Just like with your father, I'll watch it happen all over again. At least, I was prepared for that…
But not this.

"And who gave you that choice anyway?" His fingers reach out to pull my collar and they go up to my cheeks. "I never left you."
Pulling my face towards him, he pushes his tongue into my mouth. I blink at him, but his eyes are fully closed, his fingers running through my hair. The trickles of electricity flow through, awakening my starving body…

This kiss is nothing compared to the dream. Wanting, and wanting more than that…

I've slept with others, and I was somehow cut off from all of them, disinterested even with the sex. But the moment he starts to undo my buttons, I know I'll pay gravely...

I'll lose everything.

…but I let him.
Helping him along with my hands over his, I push more into the kiss and then pull back. As he's leaning into his left side onto the futon, I take off the blanket and start licking his ear. My right hand deftly goes past the band of his shorts and into his underwear until I am grabbing onto the soft flesh hardening onto my fingertips.
Gasping, his right hand goes under my left arm, pulling my back towards him so that I can hear his voice in my ear. He pulls on my shirt tighter and tighter until it's starting to stretch, nearly ripping.
His gasps shorten the faster I rub him up and down with my fingers. I feel nothing but heat. From his muffled moans into my shoulder, the motion of my hand controlling his rapture...

"Ogata…Ah~!" His whole body shivers, writhing against my fondling.
"Mmm…" Kissing him and starting to taste his salty shoulder, his hands struggle to catch my forearms.

Pulling back, I cup the back of his head with my left hand so that I focus on him through the darkness. I want to watch his changing expressions, but my right hand is still in between his thighs. With his hair spread out on the floor and the rumpled hem of his shirt over the nipples, I find myself eyeing the naked legs with the shorts still clinging onto one ankle.

He never stops watching me though. Waiting for me to open him up.

Even though I can partially see him, I know he's more ravishing than before. It makes me want to torture him.
He pulls his chin up, lifts his stomach up, nails digging into my arms while his eyes scrunch up and lips opening in pleasure. "AH~!"

"Closer." He reaches out to hold my face again in between his hands. "Come closer to me…"

I'm getting addicted. If he starts calling my name with that raspy voice, I can't go back…

"Akira…" I lean forward to lick his lips and he responds, fervently kissing me back.
But when I open my eyes, this vision of him is more breathtaking than ever.

Those eyes which always accept me despite all their questions. Being loved even after he knows what kind of person I am…
Could I really give this up?

Breathless and concerned, he asks with his hands still on my cheeks, "What's wrong?"

I finally realize whom I've been waiting for.

"I can't..." Sweeping my thumb across his lips, I shake my head. "We can't."

You are everything. And then, I'll truly have nothing once I give that away.

"So…you love 'Go' more." He swallows these words harshly and finally lets me go. Staring at the ceiling, his hands fall quickly to the ground, dead weights on either side of him.

I mutely get up, walk to the bathroom and close the door behind me. Over the sink, I look into my palm and see the white substance inside of it. Closing my shaking palm, I start to cry deep inside.

You never win, do you?

+/+/+/+/+/

"So you realize what hurt you made
And the love you threw away
How can I forgive or soon forget
It's never gonna be the same…"

Worse than an alarm, my hand shoots out to snatch my phone, cursing under my breath. Clumsily hitting my glasses next to it, I get up abruptly to find that Akira's futon is empty.

I hate you for putting this on my phone.

"I Heard A Rumour" plays in my hands while I go towards the window, leaning onto the cold surface and looking out to discover that dawn is chasing gradients of navy blue away. Scratching my head, I answer the phone.
"Took you long enough, Seiji."
"Well good morning to you too," I grumble.
The amusement in his tone vanishes. "I heard your Sensei's in the hospital. Are you doing all right?"

I've never explained to anyone about my situation, but of course, Kouichi had been there in Shinjuku when I'd declared I'd defeat the old man. He knew that Go was important the moment I'd given up college to continue on with Sensei despite my parents' protests in following my "designated" path.

"He's doing all right. In fact, he'll be out tomorrow."
There's a pause on the other end of the line. I can feel him rubbing his chin to think.
"Your voice sounds tired."
Knowing I can't think of an excuse, my eyes peer over the glistening grass and the sun yawning prettily in shades of oranges and yellows.

A deep contrast to the mess I am inside and what I made of last night.

"I…"
"Did you get closer to your goal, Seiji?"
"Not yet. Actually, I didn't make a dent. Not one mark."
"He's stronger than ever?"
"As of four days ago? Yes."
"So, what are you going to do now?"
My gaze gradually lifts up to look beyond the houses, mountains, and ocean, wishing I could see the dunes, but I can't come up with a proper answer. He would figure out the double meaning in a split-second. After all, we've been together since middle school.

He sighs into the phone. "You shut down, didn't you?"
Unconsciously, I end up watching my open hand and avert my eyes immediately. Remembering what happened last night, I'm utterly disgusted with myself.

"You know me so well," I reply dryly.
"So was the girl you slept with a good substitute for number one?"

Not a substitute at all, but I won't tell you that.

Smirking I nod to myself, my eyes glimpsing at the bedroom door. "The best. I'll never find another one quite as sweet."
He notices my attitude change, the vulnerable regret. "This girl actually contends with the one? And you never told me?"
I start to snicker at the irony. "Weren't you calling for something else?"
"Seiji...The one and Sensei are the same right?"

My mind absolutely shatters.
Almost dropping the phone, I grip onto it but barely feel it in my hand anymore.

All the guilt, the suffering, the longing from every millimeter of my body pumps into my stomach, forcing itself up to my throat. All I want to do is throw up.

How long have you known? But on the other hand, how could you not?

I don't answer to incriminate myself, to acknowledge what I'd voluntarily subjected myself to. In my mind, I see multiple selves at different ages all walking towards the same stern figure: The desperation one and the same.

Barely hearing his voice, he catches me back into reality. "I'm sorry, Sei. I didn't mean to hit you with that. I called to see how you were and-"
"No, you shouldn't apologize."

If anyone, I wanted to tell you the truth, but I wasn't ready to face it myself. You knew all along and you still stayed with me.

"Thank you, Kou…for understanding."

For not ever giving up on me.

I start to cough because I didn't realize I'd stopped breathing.
"Oh. He's really…if you're…" he stammers and the smoothness of his delivery becomes bumpy. He's never stumped for words.

Throughout our whole friendship, I've never been straight with you. I always wondered why you stuck around…

I finally watch the tatami's interwoven patterns with a strained single answer: "Yes."
"Call me back later. Or I'll-"
"I know."

When he's about to go, he still hesitates and asks, "Wait. So how was the one you slept with…?"
"You're so persistent."
"Well?"
"Already taken." I can taste the bitterness on my tongue.

Silence.

"You better call."
"You're annoying."
"Take care."
"Yeah, you too."

I eye the phone not quite sure how to feel about anything anymore…

When I put it back on the table to charge, Akira steps inside the bedroom and dips his head, devoid of the smile I enjoy. Politely he greets me, "Good morning, Ogata-sensei."
The business-like iciness pinches my heart raw.
"Good morning, Akira," I manage to answer back.

He doesn't bother to ask me about his morning match.

By the time I finish washing my face and brushing my teeth, he's already eating breakfast in his mother's room. I step into the living room to find he's aligned the Go board next to the balcony door, the ends of the curtains lightly stroking the wood.
As I step closer, the mixing of black and white stones glow under the sunlight and I look down to an adjusted pattern of yesterday's cutthroat game.

He's caught up to me.

A large gust of wind suddenly passes through and I hear paper rustling underneath the board. Kneeling down, I find three stapled pages and bring it to my lap. Flipping through the mechanical penciled marks, he's found three different routes to battle yesterday's game with me.

I feel nothing but rage from these papers: At how much he evolves and how I underestimated the accumulated costs. The disguised violence written coldly and boldly, binding me onto these sheets.
These graphite lacerations tantalize my competitive appetite to meet his challenge.

So instead of pushing myself away, the more I'm drawn to him…

He'd kept his word. Akira stayed with me all night, but within our 19x19 universe. In fact, I'm sure he didn't sleep at all.
Laughing to myself, I then lick my lips. "He never does what I expect him to..."

Fine. I'll completely lay you out naked and take you on the Go board.

Tsuzuku… / To be continued…

Author's note: I cannot say how many times I listened to Ogata-sensei's voice, catching nuances I hadn't when I first viewed Hikaru no Go. (Comparing younger to older me is quite insightful considering that I don't like reading/viewing things again, but Hikaru no Go is one of the few exceptions because I'll go back to recapture an aspect of my 'hope'.) He's always waiting for Akira somehow even if he provokes him in the worst way. And sometimes even worse than Hikaru does. It's all delicious to me though!
But it's excruciating all the same. That part where he looks at Akira and comes to his own understanding of what he'd truly lose…I wasn't thinking of this at all, but it was a revelation to me.
Then, Akira's calculated counter is just…beautiful. Kills him on the board to keep Ogata running after him.

This chapter was hard on my heart but so fun to write! Hope you enjoyed!

Love,
Yui

8/2/2020 9:14:50 PM – Los Angeles
8/3/2020 1:15:50 PM – Tokyo