Fandom: Hikaru no Go
Title: chiisana yasashisa wo kure
Pairing: Ogata x Akira
Rating: pg-13
Description: So, why did Ogata stay with Touya-sensei for such a long time?

Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go belongs to Obata and Hotta-sensei.

chiisana yasashisa wo kure
By Miyamoto Yui

Chapter 11 – this is what I believe in.

Midway, I get another message: "Can you come to Sugamo Station instead?"
"It would help if you could just leave a number, Shindou," I comment in annoyance.

Damn it all! Just when I was able to concentrate, that's when that kid throws me in another maze to crawl through.
I take the cigarette out of my mouth and smush it against the car ashtray. Right then, I find a parking spot near our new meeting spot.

"I wouldn't have expected anything less though," I mumble to myself.

Walking out to the station entrance, I lean on the railing, tempted to take out another cigarette from my vest pocket. Instead I adjust the knot of my tie and fold my arms, scouring around the place they call the Old Woman's Harajuku. The people around me talk about going to the nearby temple to wipe a Buddha statue with a towel on the spot of their body that needs healing.

Having faith in things like that…

Another flood of people exits the train gates when I look straight ahead. Shindou's there before me with his hands in fists, something out-of character when he isn't in battle mode. By his face alone, I already know it's worse than I'd previously thought.

I've seen this agitated expression before. But when?

"Shindou." I call out as he walks up to me, obviously distracted when looking up to meet my eyes.
"Ogata-sensei. Thanks for coming."
Immediately, his gaze touches the cement.
"What happened? You would never call me."
I knew the obvious answer.
Frowning, he answers, "I wouldn't say never, but it's about Aki."
Covering my mouth to cough, I avert my face so that he can't read my expression.

To hear you say Akira's name so familiarly ruptures my chest in a way that that I'll never be prepared for.

Gradually lifting his head, I notice we're almost at eyelevel, taller than Akira and a forehead shorter than me. And traces of his younger self remain within those eyes: The uncertainty that always follows him, thinking after doing and knowing it was too late to take it back. These days, that's offset by the luster of his brilliant plays, gaining him momentum on the black and white road towards Akira's coaxing triumphs.
The air of mystery hovering over Shindou is as potent as ever.

What's wrong? Somehow this looks like it involves more than Akira.

"Follow me."
Turning to his left, he leads the way and walks up Hakusan Dori until we have to cross over to the other side. I glance over at him, but that apprehensive look becomes grimmer. We walk off the main road and come upon some brick apartments until we're in front of Honmyouji Temple.

A graveyard?

Shindou passes the placards for directions to specific celebrity plots and stands in front of one of the graves with a seriousness that totally doesn't fit his rambunctious nature. Side-by-side, all I can do is observe his profile.
He looks forward and says in a deliberate, reflective tone, "I come here whenever I need to be by myself. But I couldn't be alone today."
Without a glimpse in my direction, he reaches out to brush his fingers against mine, squeezes them for a second and then lets go.

He's shaking.

"I've never brought anyone else here with me." His shoulders and chest rise as he gulps a deep breath of air. "You're the first one ever since that day."

Why me?

I finally turn my head to read the gravestone before us: Honinbou Shuusaku.
Shindou explains, "Of course the real one's in Hiroshima. That's where Aki found me when I ran away from that event. Weren't you the one who drove him there?"

What is he talking abou-The Go Tour project! The one where Akira ended up napping in my apartment after fainting. Later on, he came to me to bring Shindou back, begging me not to ask him why.

My eyebrows furrow. "Are you talking about that time in Innoshima?"
"Yes."

My eyes keep scanning the stone memorial for answers I have yet to make questions for.

This makes no sense to me. How in the world is this person related to all that?!

Wincing, Shindou closes his eyes to pray and give his respects. Though I'm not one to pray, I do the same to honor the spirit of this honored Go Master. If anything, to me he's probably the closest I'd call god.
Seconds pass at a snail's pace and I feel the oncoming pressure building in my head.
He turns towards my direction and questions, "You remember Sai, don't you?"
Almost like a movie, the leaves of the trees swish with the sudden rush of wind. My eyes open widely. I feel like I'm drowning into a darker sea of confusion.

Why now? What does Sai have to do with anything?

"Of course I do." Memories of his name and my outrageous behavior flicker quickly before me. "I apologize for-"
"No." He shakes his head and smiles in wistful recollection, rouge tinting his cheeks. "You were right. I was connected to him."
"What?"
"You could say that he was my sensei. He's the one who taught me how to play Go, but…" He closes his lips.

Sai was his teacher?! That explains so much! But if that was the case, why was he so reluctant to introduce him?

He looks back at the grave and sweeps his hand on the stone lovingly. As if he'd embrace it with all that he could give.
"You might not believe me because it sounds farfetched…"

From the fear in his eyes, I can tell he's going to tell me the truth this time. No matter what it is. But I can't control the qualm inside my stomach.

"I finally explained this to Aki. Though he waited for years, he somehow puzzled it out himself." Despite the pain, the ends of his lips extend to an even wider smile. "Because when Akira played my old self, he played Sai."
"Your old self?"
"The kid you met at that children's tournament."

I admit the way you read the board in a few seconds and the same person who played in those Kaio games were perplexing. They didn't add up to one another.

"Or actually, the answer I gave wasn't mine even though it came out of my mouth."

What's that supposed to mean, Shindou?

"But this person…" His fingers push into the stone and there's an aching in his eyes. His profile appears poignant, so picturesque with the wind blowing around us in this strange, perfectly timed way that I'm genuinely afraid of what he'll say next.

"…is the true Sai."
"The true Sai? Honnibou Shuusaku?"
"This person owns half of me."

I keep repeating back what he's saying and it's starting to irritate me. I don't understand anything of what's going on. Sai is Honinbou Shuusaku? And he owns half of Shindou?

"How is that even possible…?" I stop talking because my mind can no longer process his words.
He takes his hand away and opens his cupped left hand. It is a Hyuga clamshell Go stone. I only know what it is because I own a set, but they are practically non-existent. There are no longer shells on that particular beach in Miyazaki.

So Akira gave you one of the pieces of his set, which makes his incomplete without yours.
The devotion of these two to one another…

He continues to watch the clamshell in his palm. "And Aki carries the other half."

I gulp. To hear this and know it in your heart…
no other words could break me so easily except when Sensei dies. I can't fathom of even thinking about it though it's inevitable.

I manage to open my mouth and question, "Why are you telling me all this, Shindou?"
Isn't it enough that you've proven over and over how I cannot reach him the way you do?

"Akira's closed himself off. He won't talk to me. It's like the time when I stopped playing Go, only worse." Cupping the shell in his fist once more, he places it carefully into his jean pocket.
"What made you come back?"

"I had to go back to the source: Sai. I found him in my game." His eyes begin to brim with tears.
"I keep him alive because somehow, he still lives inside of me." He pounds the area over his heart. "I don't want to ever lose him again. That's why I'll take any challenge. Just to see him there in the game! It's the only way I can connect. That he can exist here with me."
As if to himself, he asks while glimpsing at the memorial once more, "Will you be the one we'll meet if we ever reach the Divine Move, Sai?"

The god of Go talking directly to a child…
Even as he's saying all this, absurd as it all seems…why do I believe him?

Morishita-sensei's student's voice comes to mind: /"It's like Shuusaku learning modern Joseki."/
Could it really be possible?

Shaking his head, Shindou reaches out to touch my wrists. "I know this doesn't make any sense, but I know…I know that you can reach Akira if you talk to him. Because you're the source."
"Me?"

How can that be?

"I can't be selfish this time. If half of me is with Sai, then half of Akira is with you, don't you think? I'm not blind! We play every night. His game has changed too drastically these days. I kind of got it when I read the kifu he gave me to study while you guys were doing the exhibition. For the past two years, Aki and I analyzed your games together.
"So I know it's you."

Does that mean you've read all those memoirs at his house? And why mine? There are many players with much more experience than me.

I take a step back, but his hands won't let go of me. Distraught, he stares straight into me and my jaw clenches, overwhelmed by his strength and my unacceptance of the closeness of their relationship, the situation before us, and his implication that I'm crucial to whatever's happening from here.

Desperately, he entreats me but his voice is solid, "If you don't reach Aki, we both lose him, Ogata-sensei!"

Here's the person who knows one part of Akira and he's telling me I know the other.

Even though I knew him all his life, I'm beginning to doubt it. He has colorful expressions with you.
Akira's never been that relaxed with me from the moment he was aware of 'himself' as a person. I've done nothing but prick at him to keep a safe distance. For both of our sakes.
But crossing over that line, I've chosen to hurt him more than was necessary. We'll both keep bleeding along.

All I can do is stand here silently as he pours his soul out to me.

"He's sitting in a corner of our room hugging himself, looking out the balcony. He won't eat. He won't sleep. It's been TWO DAYS since he's touched a Go board!" Then, Shindou's knees give out, falling onto the stone path with his fingers still latched to the cuffs of my white blouse.
"Even if I play our first game." His entire body is trembling. "He doesn't respond at all. I can't lose both him and Sai. He's the one who's the closest to knowing Sai."
He looks up at me this time, but he won't get up. "And Sai…he enjoyed playing with Aki. They were the true opponents to one another. There were times I was jealous because I could only watch them as a bystander. It was Sai Aki wanted to fight against. Especially with the Kaio tournament. It wasn't me. Later on, I denied Sai from playing…"

So it was Sai that Akira was chasing after. And Sai acknowledged him.

Letting go of my cuffs, tears splatter onto the stone. They pour through his fingers as he sobs. "That's why I ran away. I thought Akira would leave me once he knew. That he'd stop recognizing me as his rival. That he'd lose all faith in me even as a person because it all sounds crazy."

These eyes also parallel my former self: Apparently, Akira too keeps his sanity in check.

You're telling me so much. The courage it took to confess this…And even though I only understand a 1/3 (the things related to me) of what you're saying, I'm overwhelmed by your trust in me.

"But he didn't." I place my hand over the top of his head and bend down. Holding onto his forearms, I pull him up to his feet. "And I believe you too."
An unexplainable surge of warmth envelops me.

Shindou closes his eyes and a tiny grin emerges from his face.

"You were the other one who kind of figured out who Sai was." He wipes his right cheek and eye with the bottom of his hand. "You played him. When you were drunk, it was Sai."
"Really? Weren't you the one sitting in front of me that night?" I take out a handkerchief and hand it over to him. "Even if I was very drunk, I at least remember that much."
"Thanks." He rubs his face clean. "Yes, that's true, but just like you wanted to play Sai, he wanted to play against you too."
I blink at him incredulously.
"He told me so." Shindou puts the handkerchief into his pocket. "We had a long talk over that one."

Sai wanted to play me too. This realization is somehow comforting to know.

"But please give me time. When you're ready, I'll tell you. That's why I'm here, aren't I? From the way Aki talks about you, I'm sure you'll understand what I'll say."
"He talks about me with you?"
"Mm." He nods his head forward. "Let's go sit down somewhere first."
"All right."
Before we go, he looks at the stone one more time. "See you later, Sai. I'll be sure to bring some Ehime mikan next time I come."
Dipping my head, I regard the memorial stone.

Sai.

When we're about to exit, a middle-aged couple comes to pay respect to a loved one, taking up a bucket of water, incense, and flowers to one corner of the cemetery.

+/+/+/+/+/

We go back to the other side of the street where the healing temple is at and into the crowds of connoisseurs either buying fabric or food. The both of us end up getting a snack, bring it to a park near the station, and sit on a bench to eat together.
At the same time, we both say grace, "Itadakimasu."

Off to a corner, two teenage girls are sitting on the swings eating ice cream. I'm relieved that we're out of the bustle and so I break my chopsticks to start eating my crab croquette.
"This is quite delicious." Holding it out with my chopsticks, I observe the steam coming out of it since it's freshly cooked. "I forgot to eat on my way here."
"Didn't I tell you that place is amazing?" Shindou unexpectedly starts to laugh. "This doesn't fit your image, Ogata-sensei. You look the type to eat at a hotel restaurant and not on a park bench."
"I'll eat anything as long as it tastes good." I take another bite. "Even those kinds of places don't always taste good."
"You think so? I wouldn't know." He takes a big bite of his tuna mayo onigiri. "From the places where we tutor Go, they seem to all be good."
"I'm glad you feel that way."
"You don't think so?"
"The overnight tutor Go sessions are an exception." I find myself smiling at him and start on the second croquette in the plastic container, hungrily swallowing the curry one. "So…what exactly has Akira told you about me?"
Out of three, he's already on his second onigiri. It's a chicken one. Swallowing, he replies, "Everything?"
Saying it so casually, I'm caught off guard. "So you know…"
"About what?"
I clear my throat and lower my voice for discretion's sake. "Why he came back home early in the morning the other day?"
"Oh…" Shindou opens his small carton of milk tea and puts a straw into it before taking a sip. "That doesn't bother me so much. I already saw all the kiss marks you left on his body."

It's astonishing that he can say that so matter-of-factly.

"Ah…so you did see." The container in my hands makes a crinkling sound as I place my chopsticks down.
"We keep no secrets. After explaining about Sai, everything else is easier to talk about. Well, that's until we fight over Go."

I've been jealous about this boy and he doesn't even return the same sentiment? His confidence confounds me!

For a moment, I push my index and middle fingers into the center of my forehead. But I resume eating, not knowing how to respond to his bluntness.
"He loves you as much as he loves me." Taking a bite of the salmon onigiri without batting an eye, I'm more and more dumbfounded the longer we continue our conversation.
"I don't quite understand. Aren't you his boyfriend?"

Or more accurately, his lover.

He nods. "Yes. And?"

Shindou is still Shindou. Just as confusing as ever.

"You aren't upset at all?"
"Of course I am a little because I have to share him, but I know he wouldn't ever replace me." He gives me a disapproving look like I'm asking something stupid. His manner conveys no doubts. Wiping his mouth with the towelette, he then cleans his hands. "You too. I don't know why you're insecure about that."

Insecure. The simplicity of his words and thinking.

Swallowing the second to last bite, I sigh. "Usually people get mad if their significant other is sleeping with someone else."
"Does that count as 'cheating', Ogata-sensei?" He blinks at me again like I'm the one who's said something contradictory.

Shouldn't it? I really can't follow your train of thought at all.

"So you have an open relationship?" Finishing my croquette, I wrap everything neatly into the plastic bag, placing it to one side.
That doesn't match yours or Akira's personality at all. You're too obsessed over each other.

"Aki and I had this talk before. I just didn't think you and me would have it so soon."

They really do know one another very well.
I begin to think how I really can't penetrate into their invisible barrier.

"Haven't you ever talked with Akira about this kind of thing?"
"Not until recently." I cross my arms, leaning back into the bench. "I actually didn't understand how he felt until we went to that exhibition. I didn't know what I really thought either."

More like 'purposely unaware'.

"So you couldn't talk about me?"
"No."
I couldn't.

"I see…" He gets up. "Now I have an idea of why he's been frustrated with you."
"You make it sound like he's been irked for a while."
"Because he has."
I raise an eyebrow.
"Even after all that he showed you and what I've told you, you don't think we're the same in his eyes, do you?"
"Nope," I admit and watch the alternating yellow, red, and orange square pattern on his shirt. "I've known him his whole life, but he comes alive when he plays Go. His fighting spirit arises when it's you he's going up against."
Shindou stretches his intertwined fingers behind him, watching the sky overhead. "And I've tried hard to meet his expectations though I'm nowhere near Sai yet."
"That's why I know I lost him to you." Unfolding my arms, I distract myself with the dust on the ground. "He only came to me to ask about you. That's why I brought him to the Institute when you became an Insei. I had to see the evidence for myself."

Even now, it still makes me sad.

"But when he's not with me, he goes to you." His black and white sneakers turn towards my direction and he leans forward, touching my chin with his index and middle fingers so that we're seeing eye-to-eye. "Off the board, I've been competing against you for all you know."
He takes his hand away.
"Then why aren't you bothered, Shindou?"

Especially since it's obvious who won this silent war over him.

"Because if I could have one more time…" He gulps and his eyes squint, the hurt so transparent I felt it reach out for me. "I'd give Sai anything he wanted. I never thought he'd leave so soon. I draw his face once in a while, but it doesn't look as handsome as it should. It doesn't capture everything I want out of it. What he was. What he is to me…That's why I keep on playing. I want to meet him. Tell him thank you. Tell him I love him so much. That I cared. That I was sorry."

Putting his hands into his pockets, he kicks at the dirt. "If he'd come after I…"
"After…?"
He shakes his head. "Nothing."
"I'm sure he knows, doesn't he?"
"I never told him. I was selfish, even when I was playing with you. But you can tell Akira here and now and not regret it."
"Tell him and then what?" Getting up, I pick up our bag of trash. "You're supposed to warn me not to go after him since he's yours."
"Why don't you understand?" He runs his fingers through his hair. "I won't give Aki up because I don't want to make the same mistake with Sai."
Strolling over to the wire-rimmed trash bin, I throw away our stuff. "You're saying two different things, Shindou."
He walks beside me. "You don't want to give him up either. He doesn't want you to give up. I want you to stay-"
"I'm already in his life. It's fine the way it is."

What's he getting at anyway?

"Do you really think so?" He tilts his head. "Let me put it in your terms since you can't see it from my perspective."
"You're willing to share but I'm not?" I tartly retort back.
"This isn't a Yosu-miru where you'll sacrifice to see what's going on. I see it as a Miai, where we have equal value. But you don't want to accept that. The values are askew in your eyes. Whether it's him, me, or you, there's something unbalanced."
"You're going to put this one on me? What you're asking me is-"
"To accept me into your relationship with him."

Isn't it the other way around?

"We're opponents and students of the same sensei. Sometimes, I'm his teacher." Being forced out, these words leave a bad aftertaste in my mouth.

Soon though, you both won't need me for any of that. That's why I keep clawing my way up. At least enough to be out of your reach.
To be with you as much as I can.

Shindou smiles sadly and a weird, cold breeze sweeps between us. Patting the knot of my tie, he no longer meets my gaze. "You keep thinking that, Ogata-sensei."
Defeated, he then takes out a key with a piece of paper. "I was really counting on you."
He slips it into the pocket of my vest. "If you ever change your mind, come. I'll leave if you want me to, but Aki needs you."

When he walks a few feet away from me, his hands are in fists again. "I really thought I could depend on you."

Running as swiftly as he can, within a few seconds, Shindou's already gone from my sight.

I close my eyes briefly, but my legs run forward before I can think of the consequences. Chasing after him, I cough along the way from not being a runner.

That same feeling…
The children's tournament. Seeing him in front of Sensei's Go Salon. Akira finding me to talk about his match with Murakami-kun. Cornering him to let me play Sai. Leaving after our match that night in the hotel. Speeding through half of the country so that Akira could bring him back.

Each time, I always had to wonder, "Why do our paths always seem to intersect?"

Slipping into a narrow street, I reach out to catch his hand so that he'll face me. "Shindou!"
Painted with water, his cheeks and eyes are redder than even when I've seen of Akira at his worse. He tries to wipe everything with the back of his hand again and struggles to pull away.

You idiot. You've made them both cry.

I hold onto him firmly, imploring, "Take me to Akira."

Whatever happens, this is what I believe in.

Tsuzuku…/To be continued…

Author's note: More than a year ago, this suddenly popped into my head: "How could Ogata, Akira and Hikaru connect because Ogata and Hikaru both need Akira?"

Ogata-sensei is the only other person next to Akira who figures out what is going even though it is Waya who explains about Sai/Shuusaku way back in episode 17. Of course later on, Ogata came into the Meijin and Hikaru's conversation, but even when he played Sai when he was drunk, he could tell it was Sai, which meant that he'd been analyzing things off-screen.

But what a turning point within the story. I was holding my breath for most of this chapter and took it slowly because the emotions overwhelmed me. Hikaru and Ogata-sensei talk about Akira and where they stand is already heavy, but when Hikaru is telling about Sai, he bears his soul to Ogata-sensei and that touched me. He's been bursting to tell about Sai and now he's able to.

So many unexplainable things in this world, but they are there waiting for faith to make them true.

Love,

Yui

9/13/2020 9:32:40 PM – Los Angeles
9/14/2020 1:32:40 PM – Tokyo